I nodded, but added, “I don’t deserve this. Like Tess said, I won through pure dumb luck.”
Laura whispered back, “Most of us have never fought a sorcerer. You’ve surprised most of us already.”
The kids seemed happiest of all, and Christina climbed up into my lap. Tess brought back drinks and cake for all of us, and I tried to make the best of the situation. Fooling the kids seemed particularly nasty, but Laura didn’t hesitate to talk me up as their hero.
Some people love parties, and she was obviously one of them. For me, though—they’d always drained me of energy.
Even Crystal dropped by. She’d seemed so hostile to me earlier, but she sat close and showered me with praise. Her smile was dazzling. It was hard to believe she’d acted aloof before. I must’ve misunderstood her.
Christina eventually climbed down from my lap, and Laura kissed me on the cheek.
“Thanks for paying attention to her. You’ve made her day.”
“She’s easy to like,” I replied. “Quiet and friendly.”
Laura kissed me on the cheek. “Thank you. I want us to all be friends.”
Everyone nearby cheered.
“I want that, too,” I whispered back.
She sat next to me and wrapped an arm around my neck. I circled her waist with my arm, and we talked to more strangers who passed by.
When folks stopped congratulating me, she whispered in my ear, “I have a little bad news.”
I wondered what she meant.
She stood, took me by the hand, and led me to a table for two in the corner. “Not to rain on your parade, but you’re about to experience a shock.” Then she paused, as though to let me steel myself for the bad news.
A sour taste filled my mouth. “Just blurt it out.”
“Remember what I said about this being like feudal Ireland?”
I nodded.
“Diana is our queen, and she intends to exercise her right as our lord, the droit du seigneur.”
I knew what that was. In merry ol’ England, the lord of the manor would take a new wife away from her husband on their wedding night. “Diana wants to sleep with me? That’s ridiculous.”
“Maybe, but she always gets what she wants. Whenever a male witch beats a sorcerer, he’s blessed with the Warrior’s Kiss. Any woman you join with tonight is guaranteed to bear a proud baby boy who will grow to become a ferocious fighter.”
“But this isn’t feudal Ireland. I’m not spending the night with her.”
Laura grinned. “You don’t have any choice, Farm Boy. We count on Diana for everything. You can’t embarrass her by saying no. If she asks you to share your Warrior’s Kiss, and I’m sure she will, you have to do it. In fact, you have to pretend that you’re desperate to screw her brains out.”
I snorted. “She reminds me of Jabba the Hutt, except thinner.”
Laura scratched her cheek. “Who’s that?”
“Don’t tell me you’ve never seen Star Wars. Jabba is the fat toad guy who—”
She put a finger on my lips to shut me up. “Do you plan to stay at the ranch? That’s the only question you have to ask yourself. If yes, do exactly what she wants and pretend you’re loving every minute of it.”
I gulped. Diana wasn’t nearly as ugly as Jabba the Hutt, but she also reminded me of one of my Irish aunts. Yuck. “What if I can’t perform? I’ve been pretty stressed lately, and she creeps me out. Also, I’m not good at faking—”
Laura kissed me again. “Do what you want, Farm Boy, but Christina and I would like you to stay.”
Panic rose up in me, and my face warmed.
Laura led me by the hand back to the large table. She kept her fingers intertwined with mine, as though she knew I’d bolt at any second if she let go.
Diana appeared wearing a fancy party dress decorated with a red rose. Laura smiled at me, stood, and let our dread queen have her seat.
Diana waited for a moment and then said, “Ian, I have something to speak to you about that’s quite important. Will you do me the honor of your company?”
How the hell was I going to get out of this mess? I nodded, and she took me by the hand and led me to her office. At least a dozen women followed us. When we got there, she faced me and took both of my hands in hers.
“Because of your remarkable double victory, you are doubly blessed with the Warrior’s Kiss. I beg from you the honor of this extraordinary blessing.” Although her words were humble, she spoke them sharply, as though she was daring me to say no.
I glanced over at Laura, who nodded several times.
My teeth chattered, and my stomach revolted. “I-I c-can’t. Too sick.”
The women gasped. Diana squeezed my hands hard enough to create welts. “Excuse me?”
My face flushed hotter. “S-something’s wrong. Too sick. Have to rest.”
Her face turned white, and her eyes bored into me. “You can rest later.”
She held one hand and dragged me toward the door. I stumbled and barfed all over her beautiful rug.
Some of the women shrieked, and they all backed up in case I hurled again. Diana let go of me, rushed to her desk, and used some tissues to clean one of her shoes. She was lucky that that was the worst of it for her. The carpet reeked.
“Get him out of here,” she snapped.
Laura grabbed my hand and led me to my apartment. “If you’re going to be sick again,” she said, “warn me.”
Once I was out of Diana’s sight, I felt a lot better. “I’m okay now. I couldn’t help it. Too gross.”
Laura took me to the kitchen and got me a cup of water to rinse out my mouth. After I’d wiped my face with a napkin, she helped me lie down on the sofa.
“Are you going to be okay alone?” she asked.
I nodded. “I’m really sorry. Just not good around the ladies.”
She sighed. “Now you’re sure to be kicked out of the clan. Christina and I will miss you.”
“I know I’m no longer welcome. I don’t have any way to get to California, or someplace else safe. I doubt I can fly, and I don’t have a car anymore. Do you know anybody out there?”
She kissed me on the forehead. “Tess’s dad is in San Diego. He hates Diana, so maybe he’ll help you out. He’s a pretty arrogant guy, though, to be honest. I’ll talk to the others and get some suggestions for where you might go.”
I blew out a deep breath. “Okay.” Then I muttered, “I’ll never understand this world.”
“It’s all about staying safe. The rest is inconsequential. Our last leader was much worse than Diana in grabbing what he wanted, and he wasn’t nearly as strong or smart. He took me to bed at eighteen and kept me there for months with another teenager. No one lifted a finger to stop him from molesting us because the king can do no wrong. In fact, everybody thought I’d gotten lucky.”
I decided that my best bet was to keep my big mouth shut about sexual assault. “Thanks again. I hope to see you tomorrow before I go.”
She left, and I wondered how long it would take me to pack.
Now that I was alone, I felt much better. Social situations were always hard, but this had been incredible. What next?
Then I thought of my best source for advice, namely Grandpa Samuel. I called him.
His first words were, “Watch what you say. This phone line is probably tapped.”
So much for confiding my deepest, darkest secrets and embarrassments. Instead, I told him the basics about the attack, leaving out the magic. I gave him the same story I had told the detective, but I prefaced it several times with the phrase, “The official version.”
He was a damned sharp old medicine man. No doubt, he’d read between the lines. Then I said, “Have you ever heard of something called the Warrior’s Kiss?”
He snickered. “Of course, but that’s Celtic magic. Diana ravaged you?”
“Tried to.” I described what had happened.
He burst out laughing.
“I’ve heard of her. I’ll bet she’s furious. Very smart woman, according to people I trust. I wish there was some way we could meet, but it’s much too dangerous for you to come here. I’ll arrange a trip to visit you as soon as I can.”
“That would be terrific, but I expect her to kick me out in the morning. I was hoping you’d have advice on where I could go in California.”
“I know several tribal elders there. I can send Francis with your pickup. He’ll go with you to the West Coast.”
That was a relief. Maggie would probably let me stay at her house until the cavalry arrived. “Perfect. Oh, and can you tell him how sorry I am about his Cadillac? I’ve already mailed back the driver’s license I found in his car.”
“He got the license already. I’ll tell him about the Eldo, but I’m not the least bit sorry. That car was an eyesore, and your horse is more valuable. Francis has already been fully compensated. You must focus on staying safe.”
We chatted for a few more minutes before I headed upstairs to bed.
Chapter 10
Sunday, September 8th
WHEN I WOKE UP the next morning, I still couldn’t believe I’d humiliated Diana. I’d taken the easy way out.
When I got to the dining room for breakfast, none of the clan members would look at me. My moral code didn’t line up with theirs, and I was the one who had to go.
Laura, Christina, Katie, and Tess were sitting at a table together. Tess, wearing a crooked smile, waved me over. I grabbed a tray of food first, hoping to wolf it down before I got the boot.
When I sat down, Katie hugged me. “Diana is madder than I’ve ever seen her, and we’ve been friends for twenty years.”
My face warmed with my embarrassment. “Should I apologize while she’s gutting me?”
“No,” Laura said. “When she sees you, she may pretend to be nice while she’s kicking you out, but that’s unlikely. She’s still our great high priestess, and you’re still one of her disobedient vassals.”
“It won’t hurt to grovel,” Tess said. “I have a plan to save your sorry ass.”
Katie burst out laughing as she hugged her daughter. “You’re a treasure.”
Tess snickered. “Bottom line, Farm Boy—you need her a hell of a lot more than she needs you, but she still needs you.”
I blew out a breath of frustration. Tess was wonderful, but I couldn’t believe Diana might let me stay. I leaned forward in my chair. “I’ll grovel and let you do the talking.”
“You’re going to remind her about protocol?” Laura asked Tess.
She nodded.
Laura grinned and then focused on her daughter.
Katie kissed me on the cheek and left our table. I looked at Tess to see how she was reacting, but she merely stared back at me with a bemused smile.
When Katie was too far away to hear, I sat next to Tess and spoke softly. “Exactly how does Crystal fit into this?”
“Diana took Crystal as her consort a year ago, but Mom and Diana have always been strictly friends. I thought it was tacky for Diana to put her lover on the council, but Mom swears she appreciates Crystal’s perspective.”
“Crystal got appointed to the council just because she’s good in bed?”
Tess shrugged. “Be happy that Diana and Crystal are happy together. I thought last night that you’d become Diana’s second consort. You still might, if I can convince her to let you stay.”
Ugh! “So, if it came to a vote, Crystal would vote with Diana to get rid of me.”
“Of course.”
We sat in silence, and I played dominos with Christina. She was amazingly clever for a six-year-old, and she beat me twice before Diana strode into the dining room.
Diana spotted me and headed for our table. She stood glowering in front of me and pointed a finger like she was ready to cast a spell.
“Before you pronounce sentence, Your Majesty,” Tess said, “I would like to raise a point of procedure.”
Diana’s face went blank. “What precisely?”
“Before you attempted to claim the Warrior’s Kiss, you did not seek permission from me, his master in training.”
“That wasn’t a significant oversight,” the high priestess replied. “You would’ve consented, as you always do.”
“Unfortunately, dread queen, I would not have in this instance. As our leader, your first priority is to protect the clan. But if you become pregnant, you can no longer fight for us. That would place your leadership in great peril. To protect you from that threat, I would’ve denied my consent for you to lie with my vassal.”
Diana thought for a moment. “Perhaps I was too hasty, but that does not excuse his refusal to obey me. He must leave immediately.”
Tess shook her head. “The council’s formal decision was that Ian could remain for a thirty-day period, and then his probationary status would be evaluated. The thirty days has not yet expired, and because of his twin victories yesterday, he is far more valuable to the clan as a fighter now. I would beg your indulgence, Your Supreme Highness, and ask you to ignore his unintended insult due to illness. I ask this as a great personal favor, so that I may keep my vassal until such time as a better candidate appears.”
Diana frowned. “You’ve never asked for favoritism before. You want to do so for him?” She pointed at me disdainfully.
Tess bowed her head. “Yes, my liege. If it will encourage you to grant my humble request, I promise to beat him mercilessly during training.”
“That would be a great comfort to me,” Diana said. “O’Rourke remains on probationary status for the balance of his time. He had better show extraordinary improvement, or I will be rid of him soon enough.”
Tess nodded, and she motioned for me to bow.
I did. “Thank you for your mercy, great queen.”
She spun on her heel and left.
Once she had left the room, I took one of Tess’s hands in both of mine. “Thank you so much! I’ll train my butt off.”
Our master of arms’ eyes narrowed. “I did it for Christina, who seems to enjoy beating you as much as I do. And, speaking of training, Ian, you are woefully behind everyone else in this community. I’m not sure why I should make the time for private lessons, but your next one is in fifteen minutes.”
She stood and left before I could thank her again.
I looked at Laura, not sure what to make of Tess’s sudden departure. “She’s mad because I made her use up a personal favor?”
Laura shook her head. “Not at all. If Diana had gotten pregnant, that would leave our community with only one experienced defender, our master of arms. That’s too much pressure on Tess to protect us all. Now, she can get help from Diana and you.”
“Okay, makes sense. I’ll do my best to help her. But why is she mad at me all the time?”
“She’s not mad at you. She’s mad at me…for being interested in you.”
Laura hugged her daughter. “We three will be great for each other, but she’ll be the last to figure that out.”
I agreed, so I kissed them both on the cheek.
-o-o-o-
FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER, I showed up in Tess’s training room.
Without saying hello, she handed me a staff. “In this room, you will address me as Master, is that clear?”
She reminded me of one of those sexy fighting babes in the superhero movies, but I didn’t think she’d find that flattering. “Yes, ma’am.”
For the next hour, she focused on showing me how to fight hand-to-hand and using a staff. No magic. I did my best to learn, but I wasn’t nearly as coordinated as she. She got a dozen good punches, kicks and whacks in, thereby keeping her promise to Diana.
I only landed one solid punch on Tess, but it took her a minute to shake it off.
I apologized over and over, but she finally stopped me. “Do it again, if you can. You’re showing a bit of promise.”
That was my only bright moment. The longer our
session dragged on, the more exasperated she became. Finally, she said, “Are you a natural-born klutz, or did you study for years to achieve such heights of clumsiness?”
I tried not to feel offended. She wasn’t the first to have noticed my lack of coordination. It hadn’t hurt me in my work because farming was nothing like dancing. “My mom used to say all big, strong men are awkward. You have to take the bad with the good.”
Tess apparently didn’t share Mom’s philosophy, because she swung at my head with her staff. I blocked that blow with mine, but just barely. Tess was apparently determined to clobber me, and she swung again.
I kept my pole between us, and I kept my feet moving, as she’d taught me. Instead of giving me an atta boy, though, she snarled. Then a timer on her desk rang. I’d survived another training lesson.
“Thank you, Master,” I said as I tossed her my weapon and ran out of the room.
-o-o-o-
LAURA PATCHED ME UP, and I spent the rest of the morning mucking out stalls. Being the queen’s least favorite person hadn’t raised my stature there. My only companions walked on four legs, which was wonderful. There were no power-mad leaders to placate.
Several of the farm dogs and a half-dozen barn cats followed me around, apparently looking for handouts. I hadn’t planned for that. Next time, I’d sneak a few treats from the cafeteria.
Without warning, the biggest dog, a gray and white Malamute, snapped at a black Lab, opening a nasty gash on one of the Lab’s forelegs.
“Gary!” I yelled at one of my co-workers. “Can you get a muzzle for the Malamute? He’s biting.”
Gary, a burly teenager, rushed into the pen with a large muzzle and grabbed the aggressive dog. He fastened the muzzle on and led the punk away.
I knelt next to the Lab. He was lying submissively on the floor, his belly exposed, and he wagged his tail frantically. All the while, his wound bled freely.
How could I help this whimpering dog?
When Gary re-appeared, he asked, “Do we need to take him to a vet?”
No way. I wasn’t going to let this opportunity pass. “Not yet. It looks worse than it is. Let me see what I can do for him first.”
“You sure?” Gary held my gaze, challenging me.
Lone Survivor: The Sorcerers' Scourge Series: Book One Page 10