Upon Your Return

by Lavender, Marie

  “Oui.” He sighed, defeated. “I'm grateful that you went through with it. But, I can't give you much now, Fara. I'm a traitor to my own country. After what I did, I was in an enemy prison. What can I be to you?”

  She let that news sink in. God, what he must have endured when he was away. “A husband? The father of my child?”

  “It still comes down to our own betrayal. We lied to one another. What will keep us together now? Surely not trust.”

  “What about love, Grant? I've asked you that question before and now you have to answer. In marriage, it matters. Please tell me that it matters. I've gone my entire life thinking so and not caring what society says. So tell me now. If it doesn't matter, you can go on and live your life the way you want. You can leave, go anywhere and find another woman who'll satisfy your needs. But, if it matters, then please give us a chance. Please...for the first time I'm begging you, Grant. Tell me it matters.”

  He studied her expression for a long moment before saying, “It matters.” He stepped back from her then.

  “At least you don't deny it.”

  “I wouldn't, not about that.” His hands moved to his hips, a captain's stance, she mused. “Now, what?”

  “I won't ask you to give up who you are, it wouldn't be right...” She sighed. “But, Gabriel needs a father figure...if he can't have his real father, then I would have to marry someone else.”

  He nodded curtly. “There have been many offers?”

  She frowned. “A few offers that I didn't hesitate to refuse.”

  “So, you were waiting for me...”

  She approached him then. “You asked me to. I couldn't give up hope that you would return. In my heart, I knew you would try to keep your word.”

  He cupped her face. “And I did. I never lied to you about anything besides my disloyalty. I meant it when I said I would come for you, that you were the only woman I needed.”

  “I know,” she whispered. “And I love you, despite everything that has happened.” As he held her close, she raised her head to look at him. “Will you stay for dinner?”

  He smiled. “Could I stay longer than that?”

  Fara giggled. “You know my answer. The rest is up to my aunt. You may have some making up as far as she is concerned.”

  “I see.”

  * * * *

  Her aunt did not make a fuss about Grant's presence. Propriety kept her from reproaching him, Fara could only assume. Lina treated him like a guest, but no one said anything to Gabe about who he really was. Grant asked him questions about what he was interested in and such, but no one, not Fara, or her aunt, or the man in question, explained the significance of Grant's arrival.

  It was an enormous matter to approach, and everyone knew it. There would be many questions. Gabe was at the age where asking was his nature. He would want to know why his father had left his mother so long ago. He would want to know the truth eventually. He was not old enough to know the whole truth, such as the nature of their past relationship, but he would want to know some of it, and that was hard enough to say. It would take time, Fara knew, for Gabe to accept Grant as a man who was supposed to be with his mother. He had never seen her with anyone else. She would have to approach the issue delicately. Perhaps it was better for him to become accustomed to Grant's presence before admitting who he was.

  Lina let Grant stay in a guest room a ways down the hall. Having him so far away from her own bedchamber made her both nervous and relieved. Renewing their relationship after all of these years seemed odd. She did not know how to go about it. Part of her was afraid he would force her into what they had been before; though they'd shared many discussions, she still had to admit it was a mainly physical affair. How did a pair of lovers become so much more than that? Deep down, that was what she wanted. More. Possibly more than he could ever give her.

  She knew that her aunt would want that as well. She would want Grant to treat her differently, to do things right this time. Propriety advised her aunt's actions, just as it had her uncle's, but not so strictly. Lina would want her happiness for the most part, and propriety made some people happy. It had for her aunt.

  Fara was a different person than she was when she had met Grant. She was not so naïve or impressionable. She truly felt more control over her life than she had before. She knew what she wanted out of a marriage, and if marriage was not in the cards with this man, she did not know what to do next. How could she tell him that though in the past she had wanted companionship as well as passion, she truly needed all of that on a level he couldn't possibly understand? Or could he? She didn't know what to expect from him now. Another reason she was glad for the distance in their locations in the house; it protected her from an almost inevitable confrontation.

  Suddenly, a soft knock at her door propelled her heart to skip a beat. “Tante?” She reached for her dressing sacque and rose from the vanity where she had been brushing her hair.

  “My intentions are not as chaste as your aunt's,” she heard a deep voice grumble.

  Grant. She had feared he would try to resume the passion they had shared together so long ago. She would have to fight him. That was the only way to attain what she wanted of him. She undid the chain and opened the door slightly to look at him. So as not to arouse outside interest, she whispered, “What are you doing here?”

  “I could not wait. I had to see you.”

  “Perhaps we can continue this in the morning. Are you not fatigued?”

  “Fara, it is not like you to put me off. Are you all right? Are you ill?” He observed the pallor of her features before reaching out to touch her cheek.

  His concern cut through her defenses. Stammering, “I am well,” she stepped back and the door crept open.

  “Are you sure everything is all right?” He shut the door behind him and proceeded into the room.

  “I…” She searched for the words to delay his proposed intentions.

  “You are afraid. Fara, I have never hurt you. What is this?”

  “Nothing. I do not fear you.” Only myself, she thought. “You surprised me, that's all.”

  “Bon.” Grant approached her. “Mon Dieu...four long years have not stilled the hunger I have for you.”

  “Grant, please.”

  “Please?” He put his lips against her neck, inhaling her scent. “I have waited so long to hear you beg again, chère.” His voice wavered as he reached her ear, flicking his tongue inside. His lips crept along her cheek, moving over her mouth.

  She felt his lips burning her, little fires springing up in all the right places. It had been so long since she'd experienced that kind of mindless desire...so long because of the vow that she would never let her emotions carry her away again. She shivered involuntarily and turned her head. “You know I did not mean it like that.”

  “Didn't you? Do you not desire me still or did the years erase my memory?”

  Hardly, she thought at his latter assumption. How could any woman forget a man like Grant? “Grant, please! I do not want you.” The words weren't enough for her tone was soft, breathless, and her body still responded to him.

  “You do not mean that. Why, earlier you said you loved me. A woman does not lie about that kind of thing.” He faltered though, fear in his tone. “Or does she?”

  How could she think clearly while he was so near? She swallowed tight against the rise of ardor inside her. “I did not lie.”

  “Good. You should know by now that love is expressed in many ways...gifts, marriage, making love.”

  His movements stilled and she looked up into his captivating gaze. It was an invitation of sorts, inviting her to see what was there and take it if she chose to. Mon Dieu, making love with Grant again sounded delicious. But, she just couldn't...not here. And not like they used to. “Gabriel is in the house,” she reminded him.

  “He is a child, my love. He's seen you consort with men in that manner before--”

  “I trust not!”

  A dark eyebrow quirked in in
quiry. “You've not accepted any proposals. That leaves affairs...you haven't taken lovers either?”

  “Absolutely not,” she replied stiffly.

  “Your fidelity amazes me. It seems I left a lasting impression on you. Gabriel is better left innocent concerning the ways of men and women. I agree with you on that matter. However, my ship is in port. My cabin is unoccupied, you know.”

  “That is unnecessary.” It was also ridiculous. Her aunt would know immediately if they left the house, especially at this hour.

  He lifted a tress of her hair and watched as it fell to her shoulder. “You are not immune to me, love, but you refuse to let me make love to you. It is a trifle curious.”

  “It is not as difficult as you make it, I think. Really, La Capitaine, it's quite simple. I'm surprised you do not comprehend, you being so experienced with the ways of men and women.”

  His jaw tightened, a movement that left his face pale. “Are you suggesting I do not know how to handle rejection?”

  “No, but we aren't speaking of rejection, are we?”

  The anger left his expression and it was replaced with consideration in his gray gaze. “It is possible, ma chére, that you will not be satisfied until you utter a vow or see a wedding band on your finger...”

  “If you must know, oui. That would leave me deeply satisfied.”

  “Deeply?” Fara tightened her jaw and she was aware of the warmth flooding her cheeks. “All of which can be arranged at the simple lift of a finger. We could be wed tomorrow, if you like.”

  She sighed. It was appealing, but her pride won over. “My dear Capitaine, this sounds very much like a bribe...”

  “Perhaps it is, Fara, if you are suggesting I desire you to a degree that I would be willing to do anything to be near you legally...even marry you.”

  She gasped and looked away. For God's sake, she was speechless. For the first time in her life, she had nothing to say.

  “Perhaps I have enraged you once more, chère...I seem to have that ability with you.”

  She found her voice with difficulty. “No, you have not. I am just getting over the shock, that's all.” But, he hadn't said he would marry for love. Nothing he'd said or done indicated the depth of his feelings. Melancholy swept over her. So, she was to marry for love in a one-sided deal...to live a life ever hitched to a man who merely desired her. She found the thought disheartening.

  “Fara, look at me.” When she turned to face him, he seemed to study her expression carefully. “What are you thinking?”

  “Nothing you'd be remotely interested in, I assure you.”

  “But, I am interested!” he protested.

  His outburst had not a trace of anger, just a virulent need to have her believe him. She gazed into his eyes. “The truth is, Grant, I cannot think when you are looking at me so.” Oh, to hell with it, she thought. One day she might be able to tell him nearly anything he wanted, but today was not that day. Her façade continued because her heart was not satisfied with their relationship as of yet.

  He grinned. “Then we are more alike than I once thought.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  That night was not far from her thoughts in the following weeks to come. Grant seemed more distant since he'd returned. Aside from a momentary lapse in his reserve after they'd been reunited, he had been more distant than ever before. Though he escorted her to town when she had business there and rarely left her out of his sight for longer than ten minutes, she sensed a reserved attitude about him. It was as if he had much on his mind for though he had claimed to want her still, he did not attempt to visit her bedchamber in the wee hours of the night when her body recognized his presence in the house. He'd changed rooms so that he was only two doors away, and yet he did not try to disturb her again as he had when he'd arrived. Was he not the same man who had seemed unable to control his passion for her so many years before?

  She would allow that years apart from someone could cause a rift, but she did not feel as if they were that different at all, at least not when they were together. Though she had stated the terms for being with her, such as needing some kind of vow from him of marriage, she had not thought he would give up entirely. Also, it was possible that Grant's experiences abroad, fighting the ocean currents and such, could have made him more hesitant to be cavalier in attitude and perhaps because of his past treachery, he felt less able to trust others. She was not sure what it was that made him appear so resigned; she only knew it was nothing at all like the Grant she had known in her more innocent years.

  “What is troubling you, chère?”

  Fara jerked her head up. Her aunt's blue eyes seemed to see right through her. “Oh, Tante Lina…” she stammered, catching her breath, for she had not realized her thoughts had trailed during their afternoon tea.

  “Come, Fara, you know we are both adults and have always been open about our lives. What are you fretting about?”

  “It's Grant.”

  “Ah, Capitaine Hill. That one would be in your thoughts.”

  Fara waved away her aunt's sarcasm. “It is not so simple as that. He's been distant, reserved since he came back. It worries me. It's like he lost himself while he was away. He's not the same person.”

  She pursed her lips and shifted on the chaise. “Ah.” She took a deep breath and released it. “He has not been cruel in my absence, has he?”

  “Tante!”

  “I need to know the truth, Fara.”

  She sighed. “Grant would never hurt me.”

  “That's good.”

  “Yes. But, it's just…” she trailed off, shaking her head as if it was to no avail.

  “Perhaps there is a reason for his distance then. Have you asked him about it?”

  “No. That would be silly to ask. There is nothing much out of place. We talk all of the time. It is only…I do not know how to put it.”

  Her aunt took her hand gently. “I am a woman too, you know. If it is a question of passion, I do understand.”

  Fara smiled weakly. “I love him.”

  “Of course you do. So, let me understand. He does not act the same around you as before. What about when you're alone?”

  She lowered her eyes to the floor. “He has not tried to be alone with me since he came here. I was firm with him about doing anything in that manner if we weren't betrothed. But, I only meant…never mind. I mean, I do not object to certain displays of affection.”

  “I see.”

  “I do not know what I did--”

  “Fara, I don't believe this is about passion. It is a question of propriety.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I know that you were only betrothed for a short time to both of your past suitors. Had they acted properly, the treatment you are receiving now would have been a natural occurrence. It would result in a satisfying union.”

  Fara stared at her aunt as if she was a circus exhibit.

  “Don't you understand, chère? Monsieur Hill, however many years belated, is trying to court you. He is gaining your respect as well as giving it. He is treading softly in order to prepare you for the rest. He plans to ask you to marry him. His method is not a foreign practice.”

  “No,” she replied softly, “but, you think he would want to marry me?”

  “And why not, chère? You're beautiful, charming, and witty. What else could the man want in a wife?” She frowned. “Has he not mentioned it before?”

  “Yes, but…I do not know. I just never thought he would willingly do that.” Then she remembered his expression upon encountering his son. “Lord, do you think it's because of Gabriel?”

  “Does the reason matter so much? This is your chance to have what you want. You're in love with the man. Would it be so bad to be married to him?”

  No, that wasn't the downside. She might, however, have to live with him and never know his real reasons for marrying her. If not for love, then it was duty. And that would lead them back to where they had started. Hadn't she promised never to marry unles
s it was for love? Her heart sank. Didn't Gabe need his father though? A boy could hardly be complete without knowing who he was and where he'd come from. “No,” she whispered. “It wouldn't. What should I do, Tante?”

  “Go to the man. Tell him you realize what he's been doing. Let him ask and answer him.”

  “All right.” She rose, but then sat down again. “I know you've never liked Grant--”

  “Chère, it wasn't about that. I was trying to protect you, that's all. If Capitaine Hill is doing the right thing now, then I approve. I just want you to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted for you.”

  “Merci.” She smiled. “Oncle was wise when he named you as my guardian.” Lina smiled knowingly. They embraced and when Fara pulled away from her aunt, she stood up and crossed the room. At the door, she turned. “I guess I should go and find my husband-to-be.”

  * * * *

  After she had Pierre escort her to La Voyageur, she found Eric by the docks. He seemed to be milling around, keeping an eye on the crew. Though he wasn't Grant’s second-in-command, she knew he still felt a need to oversee some things when his master was not present.

  “Petite!” he exclaimed when he saw her.

  She smiled and approached him. “Have you seen your captain, Eric? I have been trying to track him down. I need to see him.”

  “That I know of, he has been staying at your house. He has not informed me of any change. That I know of, he has no other engagements to tend to.”

  She frowned. “Do you know where he might have gone?”

  The man tapped his chin. “Well, at times he visits the grounds by the cove. It is no longer private territory and he goes there when he wants to be alone.”

  She nodded. “Thank you.”

  As she turned to leave, Eric gently grasped her elbow. “He has thought of no one else but you since he left four years ago, petite.”

  She smiled in response and retreated back to the carriage. She signaled her driver to take her to the destination. On the drive there, she shook her head. Grant's valet, it seemed, had some intuition of his own. It was as if he'd known she needed that reassurance. The cove was a ways from the main part of town and the carriage traveled over rough surfaces. From the window, she saw trees and rolling hills. After some distance, the carriage stopped. “We are here?” she asked Pierre.