Rhys’ deep, husky voice filled the bar as he sang “Came Here to Forget.” The angsty, bluesy sound of his voice was spellbinding. I made my way through the crowds to stand closer. It was as if the music drew me to him. Memories flooded me and we were back in my high school bedroom and he was playing and singing just for me.
Rhys looked out into the crowd and his eyes met mine. I was stuck in my spot, unable to distinguish between the past and the present. His fingers never faltered as he continued. The frisson of awareness between us was tangible. I wanted to feel his skin under my fingertips again, feel the weight of him pressed against me. More than anything, I wanted his lips to possess mine. Those blue eyes bore into me as he finished his song. He was off the stage and dragging me behind him in seconds.
“Come with me.”
Like I had a choice.
He led me down a small hallway and into a dark office tucked somewhere at the back of the bar. It was hard to keep up in my heels, but I managed without falling flat on my face. Suddenly, my back was against the closed door and his fingers were tangled in my hair. Our tongues twisted together and he pressed his body against mine. I ran my hands up the back of his shirt, burning from the feel of his skin under my fingertips. I gasped for air as he pulled away suddenly.
“Why are you here?”
He didn’t move away from me, just stared into my eyes, demanding that I lay myself bare for him.
“I love you,” I whispered. “You can’t just leave me again.”
“Amanda, I can’t be everything—”
“Damn it, Rhys! Not this again!” I pushed him away from me, and he stumbled back a few steps. “You don’t get to decide what’s best for me without having a conversation. Didn’t you learn anything from the last time you disappeared?”
“You need someone who can give you the world. I’m a jealous bastard and I won’t share you with anyone.” He sighed and rubbed a hand down his face. “I’m terrified of becoming my father.”
I poked his chest. “You told me you weren’t going to let me go again.” Another poke. “You told me you still loved me.” And another. “You said you wanted to make a life with me. The Rhys I used to know would never make promises and break them. He told me everything. I came after you because I want those things. You aren’t the same kid you were back then. So why are you running now?”
“Because I’m never going to be good enough for you.” His voice cracked. “Mandi, I saw you standing next to Connor on set and I went nuts. You deserve someone who won’t act like a caveman. I could have gotten you fired because I tried to fight your co-star for doing his job. He didn’t even do anything wrong, but when his hand wrapped around your waist, I saw red. Then I knocked you down and you flinched. God, you were scared of me.” He tugged on the ends of his hair and paced in the small office. “I can’t share you. Even if it’s pretend, I can’t fucking share you, and I won’t be someone you’re fucking afraid of.”
“I don’t want you to share me and I’m not scared of you. Get that out of your head right now. Rhys, you aren’t your father.” I closed my eyes. “I want you to want me! You were supposed to fight for me!”
He stalked across the room and cupped my face. “Don’t you get it? I want you more than anything, but I can’t deal with any of this. I told you if it was the best thing for you, I would walk away. If I can’t do something as simple as being at work with you, then we can’t make us work. I thought if I could just protect you everything would work out.”
He sounded defeated. Totally broken. Exactly the way I felt. Tears pricked at my eyes, but I was too proud to let them fall.
“Well if you’ve already decided, then I guess there’s no reason for me to be here.” I took one last look at him before opening the door. “When we were just kids you made me believe that we were meant to be together forever. I’ve never been scared of you. You have this complex that you are going to turn into your father and do awful things that you still won’t tell me what they were, even though I have a pretty good idea. He filled your head that you weren’t good enough for me and even though he’s dead, you’re still letting him poison things between us.” My hand lingered on the knob. “I would’ve given it up for you. Acting means nothing to me. It was always just a job. All I wanted was to be with you. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, Rhys.”
My hands fumbled with the door knob and I choked back a sob as I rushed out of the office. Rhys called out from behind me, but I ignored him. The smoky bar felt suffocating as I pushed through people to get outside.
My stomach was in knots, and I thought I might throw up for a few seconds. I leaned against the bricks and sank down to my knees in the dirty parking lot as I finally let it out. The sound of my sobs surrounded me, echoing through the small alley. The sound of my heart breaking all over again was the only thing I could hear though.
It wasn’t safe here in the dark alley. Consciously I knew that, but there was nothing I could do to make myself move. I cried until I couldn’t anymore, and very slowly I rose from my kneeled over position. My entire body ached as I walked to my car. Each step a little heavier than the last.
Gage was waiting when my plane landed. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and led me to his car. I was thankful for his silence as we drove back to his apartment. Somehow he knew I didn’t want to be alone, but he wasn’t making me ask for his time.
“Thank you,” I mumbled softly.
He nodded and placed his hand on my knee. “For what? Being your friend?”
I wanted to cry, but I didn’t have any tears left. “You’re the best friend I could ask for, Gage.”
“We’ll talk about it when you’re ready. Until then, just make yourself at home. Lucy loves my apartment by the way.” A smile curled his lips. “She also learned that the couch is a million times more comfortable than the floor.”
I groaned. “Really, Gage?”
He grinned and shrugged. “She was just too cute. I couldn’t tell her no.”
Despite my mood, I laughed. He patted my knee.
“Are you hungry?”
“Pad Thai?”
“Call in the order and it’ll get there at the same time we do.”
I laid my head on his shoulder for a second. “You’re the best, you know that?”
His smile was a little bittersweet. “Yeah, I do.”
Lucy practically climbed up my body when I walked in the door. Even though I hadn’t been gone a full twenty-four hours, she was ecstatic to see me. Gage pushed me in the direction of the couch and I snuggled my puppy in my lap. I needed something to comfort me and help take the pain away. The puppy seemed to pick up on my mood because she sat next to me quietly. Every once in a while she would lick the top of my hand just to let me know she was there.
“What can I do to help kid?”
Gage startled me. When I looked up, I realized he was sitting next to me on the couch.
When did he even sit down?
“I don’t know. Everything feels hollow, Gage.”
“Are you ready to hear what I have to say?”
Slowly, I nodded. Sometimes Gage’s tough love conversations were a little rough, but he always meant well.
“Rhys loves you.”
My head snapped up and I glared at him.
“How can someone who says they love—”
“I’m not done, Mandi.” He sighed. “Rhys called me as soon as you left. He knew he couldn’t be the one to go after you because you wouldn’t listen. I may or may not have laid into him over that one. He knows he screwed up and it’s eating him up inside like a cancer. That man wants to be with you more than anything, but he’s scared of losing or hurting you again.” I started to speak, but he held his hand up to cut me off. “How would you feel if there was a girl putting her hands all over Rhys? It might mean nothing to him, but you still had to witness it and there was nothing you could do about it.”
“I wouldn’t like it,” I whispered.
“You’ve been his
all these years without even realizing it. Rhys is struggling because even though he knows what you do for a living, he doesn’t know how he fits into your life anymore. He doesn’t realize that all those other fools you dated were just a distraction.”
“I told him I would give everything up for him.”
Gage rubbed his hand down his face in frustration. “That’s not what he wants. He doesn’t want to be the reason you give something up you love to do.”
“But he’s not. I decided I was going to do IVF before he showed back up. I’m serious about having a baby. I was going to take a few years off anyway. My publicist has the announcement ready to go when I tell her to send it to the press. I was just waiting until things started happening before I made the announcement.”
“Did you tell Rhys any of this?”
“Kind of, but not really. I mentioned that I wanted a baby, but I don’t think I went into any details. Every time we got together, we….made up for lost time.”
“You don’t think you told him details?”
I looked away, my cheeks flushed.
“There was this phone call,” I mumbled.
Gage laughed. “You drunk dialed Rhys? That’s awesome, Mandi.”
“No, it wasn’t. I was mortified. Lord only knows what I said in that voicemail.”
Gage clutched at his stomach while he laughed. “You’re kidding me right? There was a voicemail? You left evidence of your drunken mistake? You’re killing me here.”
I glared at him. “I’m glad my stupidity is giving you a good laugh.” He tried to straighten his face unsuccessfully. “You’re an asshole.”
“I’m sorry, but that shit’s funny.”
My lips tipped up. “I guess, but it’s really embarrassing. I was so mad, but I kept telling him I loved him over and over again. I do vividly remember calling him a pussy.”
Gage cracked up again. I grinned and the knots in my stomach loosened a little. “What am I going to do, Gage? I love him and there’s obviously a reason why I never found anyone else. He just shredded my heart again, but I still want to be with him. I feel like I should just let him go since he’s fighting me so hard on this.”
“In his defense, you did catch him off guard. When I talked to him, he sounded really torn up. I think you should really consider talking to him. This time just meet on neutral territory and be honest with him. I know you and I would bet anything you’ve been holding back what you’re actually feeling.” He sighed. “You both are just being too damn selfless. Giving up something perfect just to make the other one happy, when in reality all you need is to be together. I wish I had that.”
I flushed. Gage was right because I hadn’t been totally honest with Rhys. I should have laid everything out on the line, but instead I was still guarding my heart when he was being completely honest with me. Or maybe he was holding back too and we both had things we needed to come clean about? I wouldn’t know until we actually talked.
“You’ll get that one day, honey. There are plenty of good women out there.”
“I think I’ve already screwed myself on that one. I wasn’t ready when my other half came, and now I’m kicking myself in the ass for not growing up sooner.”
I laid my head on his shoulder and put my hand in his. We sat there in the quiet for a long time. Both of us were lost in our own thoughts, but thankful not to have to face the darkness alone.
Violet looked at me from the side of her eye. I didn't want to be at this stupid red carpet event, but my agent told me it would be good for me after Rhys’ little outburst on set. Under normal circumstances I would be ready to mingle, but I’d just sighed for the third time in five minutes, which explained the side-eye from Vi. Jaxon snorted beside her and I tried to hold back a giggle. He hated these events, no matter what the cause, so he was my best ally for the night.
"Can you guys hold the complaining to a minimum?" Violet mumbled under her breath.
Jax scoffed again and I gave an unladylike snort. It was hard to be serious when we had been subjected to back to back presentations so depressing that it made you want to slit your wrists. Even Vi was starting to look a little frayed around the edges, but as normal, she was holding it together a hell of a lot better than I was.
"How soon can we sneak out of here?" I whispered to Jax.
"God willing, soon."
Violet shot us another look, and I had to take a drink to keep from laughing out loud. This had been the longest three hours of my life. Luckily we were free to start mingling and I was able to get another drink. At this rate I would be drunk within the hour.
"Hey guys. What are you doing here?"
I froze as Rhys familiar voice filled my ears. He was supposed to be in Washington. Why was he here? It had been five weeks since the incident, as Gage and I had taken to calling it, in Vegas. My heart thundered in my chest as I turned around to look at him.
"Hey Rhys," Jaxon said, shaking his hand.
Violet hugged him while I stood staring at him in shock. The alcohol was making me much slower than normal.
"We agreed this would be a good opportunity, so here we are,” she answered, looking between his handsome face and my shocked one. “But these guys have had at least one drink too many, so I’m on my own. What about you?"
"My brother asked me to come. Something about a good networking event, but I'm not sure I believe him. This has to be the oddest event I’ve ever been to."
I felt like an idiot; all I could do was stare at him. He looked yummier than normal in a tux, but that could have been the alcohol talking. Or it could have been the fact that I had missed him so much I could barely breathe.
"Hey Mandi,” he said softly. “You look amazing."
"You look beautiful too."
Oh god. I'm such an idiot.
“Um, I mean you look very handsome.” A flush raced up my cheeks, and Rhys’ husky chuckle filled my ears. Jaxon snorted and I smacked at his chest.
“Amanda’s been hitting the bottle a little too hard tonight,” Violet said laughing.
I scowled. “I’ve been bored out of my mind. Plus, Jax is just as tipsy as I am. I’m not drunk yet, but if I have to sit through another depressing speech, I will be.”
It surprised me when I looked up and Rhys was next to me. His lips tickled the shell of my ear and I shivered. “Can I talk to you alone for a second?”
I nodded and he took my hand in his, leading me away from our friends. Jaxon and Violet shared a look as we walked away. If I wasn’t in an alcoholic haze, I might have said something.
“Why have you been avoiding me?” Rhys asked.
“I haven’t been avoiding you. I’ve been busy.”
“You’re telling me that you’ve been so tied up you couldn’t take thirty seconds to send me a text to say that? Plus, it has nothing to do with what happened? I’ve been trying to get ahold of you for weeks.”
My cheeks flushed.
“If you don’t want to talk to me anymore, just let me know. I don’t want to play games Amanda.”
“I don’t want to play games either.”
“So why haven’t you texted or called me?”
I looked away.
Because I’m terrified of what you make me feel, and I know you’re going to hurt me again. I wish that I could tell him everything I was thinking. Gage helped me figure out what I needed to say to Rhys, but now that he was here, I just couldn’t bring myself to say anything.
“Can we talk about it later? Maybe after this thing is over?”
He studied me for a full minute before answering, and I squirmed under his sharp gaze.
“Is that what you really want?”
“Yes.” My voice was barely a whisper.
He leaned in and kissed my forehead. “Then I’ll be there.”
I stared at Rhys, burning holes in his tux jacket as he spoke with a breathtaking brunette. Each time they laughed or she touched his arm, I tensed up. My hands clenched into fists every time she threw her head back
and laughed at something he said. Violet followed my gaze and raised her eyebrow.
“If you’re that jealous then maybe you should do something about it?”
I stared at her blankly.
“Go talk to him,” she laughed. “Are you really that plastered you can’t think straight?”
“I’m just—I don’t—I’m not,” I stammered.
“You’re a little green-eyed right now. Go stake your claim on him and run the bitch off.”
“I couldn’t do that. We aren’t,” I trailed off. “Things got…heated in Vegas and now it’s all awkward. This is the first time I’ve seen him since then. I’m such an idiot.” I laid my head down on the table.
“I think we need to get some carbs in you to soak up some of that alcohol, honey. I’ve never seen you act like this.”
“That’s because it’s Rhys. I’m so fucking in love with him, but I’ll never be able to actually tell him that because I’m a mess and he broke my heart. He was supposed to be my everything and I fucked it up.”
Oh God. The word vomit coming out of my mouth was unbelievable. I needed to quit drinking. I was dealing with things the same way my parents dealt with everything, denial and alcohol.
Violet stared at me. “What?”
Shut up stupid drunk brain and mouth.
“Nothing. It’s just nothing. Ignore me, I’m drunk and tired.”
“Amanda, it sounds like a hell of a lot more than nothing. Do you want to talk about it?”
“Probably,” I said miserably. “But things have been so crazy with Stephen, and then I started on my new movie with Connor and haven’t been around much. I didn’t want to bother you guys with stupid stuff.”
She sat down in the chair next to me and took my hands in hers. “Sweetie, we’re here for you whenever you need us, no matter what’s going on. Yes, bad things happened with Stephen, but that doesn’t mean the world stopped spinning. Stephen would’ve wanted you to talk to us and you know that. Me, Taylor, Sophia, we are all your friends, and we want to know if you aren’t okay. For that matter, Stephen, Gage and Jaxon are too. We are all here for you if you need to talk.”
Selfless: A Relentless Series Novella (The Relentless Series Book 3) Page 7