by Jen Andrews
“I’m sorry, but we’re not doing this until you’re fully healed. You’re covered in fucking bruises and I can’t touch you without hurting you. This never should’ve happened,” he muttered as he raked his hands through his hair. Not looking at me once, he stalked into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.
Hot tears of rejection spilled down my cheeks as I went to my dresser, took out my pajamas, and pulled them on. After tossing my new lingerie set into the empty trashcan next to my small desk, I limped around the room blowing out all the candles I’d lit earlier. The room filled with smoke before I realized it would set off the alarm, so I opened all of my windows in an attempt to air it out. I flipped on a single lamp, sat on the edge of my bed, and waited for Andy to come out of the bathroom.
When he finally did, he looked more pissed than upset. I didn’t know if he was upset at me or at himself, but I couldn’t take it anymore. The emotional distance between us was too much for me to bear and I just wanted to be alone. I glanced up at the man I loved more than anything and said something I never thought I’d say to him.
“Please leave.”
“Zoey, I’m sorry, but I can’t—”
Tired of hearing those words from him, I put my hand over my mouth as a sob escaped it. “Andy, please go. I need to be alone right now. I…I need some time to think about things.”
“Think about what?” he asked quietly. He stood in the center of my bedroom, still as a statue while he waited for my answer.
“Us.”
“What do you mean by ‘us’, Zoey?” he asked and came to kneel in front of me. The alarm in his eyes revealed to me that he was clueless about what my words meant.
My hurt turned into anger at that point because he just didn’t get it. We were falling apart. How could he be so blind?
“Just fucking leave,” I cried. I couldn’t even look at him.
Andy stood and walked away, but stopped at the doorway. “I love you,” he said, just before turning on his heels, leaving me alone in my apartment.
An hour later, I was still perched at the edge of my bed, so very confused about my life with Andy. What had gone so horribly wrong? My mind was overwhelmed from the way the night turned out. All I wanted to do was sleep, so I went to the kitchen and took a pain pill for my throbbing hip.
The smoke was cleared from my bedroom, so I closed the windows. As I did, I noticed Andy sitting on the top step in front of his apartment. I stood at my window and watched him as he sat and watched me. Were we over? Was there still hope for us? More than anything, I wanted there to be. I closed all but one set of curtains, lit a single candle in a small holder, placing it on the wide, brick windowsill as a peace offering. I crawled into bed, shut off the lamp, and fell into a restless sleep.
The next morning when I woke up, I found my gorgeous man, fully clothed and lying behind me, his body molded to mine. He had come back while I was asleep.
“I’m going to miss you so much,” he whispered.
“I’m going to miss you, too. What are you going to do while I’m gone?” I asked, trying to give myself some time to wake up and figure out where we stood after what happened the night before.
“Worry,” he replied dryly. I rolled over and moved in close to him.
“Please, don’t,” I begged as I rested my forehead against his and closed my eyes. “This is too intense. Last night was horrible.”
Andy took in a deep breath and let it out. “I’m sorry, Zoey. I’m still freaked out after the accident, and now you’re leaving for a month. I’m afraid something is going to happen to you and I can’t touch you without hurting you—”
“Then let me touch you,” I whispered with the unwavering need to prove to him that I was okay and nothing would happen to me.
After last night, I knew he wouldn’t have sex with me, so I held his face in my hands and kissed him hard. He parted his lips, deepening our kiss, letting our love for each other take over. I slowly slipped my tongue inside his mouth to meet his, thankful when Andy finally wrapped his arms around me. He had barely touched me all week aside from helping me bathe. His refusal to make love to me the previous night hurt worse than the injuries. He hadn’t harmed me on purpose, but the rejection still stung.
No matter how badly I still wanted to be with him, he would refuse. However, I was still more than willing to give him what he needed. I ended our heated kiss, unbuttoned his jeans, and slid the zipper down, knowing he wouldn’t turn down what I wanted to do to him.
I tugged his pants and boxers down as he lifted his hips, freeing his erection. Wasting no time, I took him in my mouth. He groaned as I sucked, drawing him further inside. I wanted to do this to him every day. I loved the way he tasted and the way he watched me. I stroked him while I ran my tongue and lips over the head of his cock then took him deep inside my mouth.
When the tip of him hit the back of my throat, I swallowed. He took in a sharp breath, closing his eyes while he knotted his fingers in my hair. He must have liked that. A lot. I continued sucking him and pumping him with my hand, increasing speed and pressure until he was close to coming, then I’d back off for a bit. I wanted to prolong his experience since it was probably the last time I’d touch him until I returned from Cabo.
Looking up at him, I found he was watching me again, his eyes glazed over with lust. I ran my hand up his warm chest, and on the way back down to his muscular abs, I teased his nipple with my fingertips. He moaned quietly at my touch, so I did it again.
His breath came in rasps the closer he came to his release. His body jerked slightly and he mumbled my name as he came. I swallowed and released him, crawling back up to lie beside him. He wrapped his arm around me and we drifted off to sleep.
It was late Saturday and almost time for our dinner and karaoke night with all my friends. Andy was going to be there too so we could spend as much time together as possible. He hadn’t left my side since he’d come back in the early morning hours after our horrendous fight, and I was pretty sure he had no plans to until I was on the plane.
My hip felt better after a day of rest so I was well enough to cook dinner. Will and Justin were bringing a salad, I was making lasagna, and Jess and Sasha were bringing garlic bread and dessert. I felt a little wimpy for needing Andy to lift the pots and pans full of food for me because they were too heavy to lift with a sore shoulder.
His mood was still not right and it was obvious he was worried about me leaving because he kept asking me if I was sure that I was okay. I did everything in my power to try to get through to him so he knew I was, but it didn’t seem to help.
When my friends arrived, the six of us enjoyed dinner gathered around my dining room table. Andy finally loosened up after a few beers. I pulled out a half bottle of Johnnie Walker and the guys proceeded to knock back the rest of it. I wasn’t drinking because I didn’t know if I’d need a pain pill that night. Not to mention the fact I needed to wake up early to get to the airport.
Later on, we set up the karaoke machine. We always played a game where we took all the names of the songs, printed them out, and put them in a hat. Each person drew out a strip of paper and no matter what was on it, you had to sing it.
Andy was being shy and a bit quiet. I wasn’t too sure if he was ready to join our game or not. I’d heard him sing several times when he didn’t know I was listening. He had a great voice and I begged him on many occasions to sing me something, but he never did.
I had yet to hear him play his guitar either, for that matter.
After everyone except Andy sang a song, my turn came up again. Jess pulled out a slip of paper, handing it to me. I opened it and read the song title.
“Oh, hell no. You assholes do this to me every time. I swear I’m going to delete that song from the list.”
They started clapping and cheering for me, obviously wanting to see me make an ass out of myself. I put my hands over my face to hide my shame as I laughed hysterically. I couldn’t help it. It was funny.
&nb
sp; I looked over at Andy who was waiting for someone to tell him what was going on. He was nearly drunk and seemed to be having a good time. Not wanting to ruin his night, I decided to suck it up and do the song my so-called best friends gave me.
“Let’s get on with it, bitches,” I teased. Dear God, how am I going to get through this sober?
Jess found the song on the karaoke machine then pressed play. The music started, along with the cheers and applause. Once Andy realized what it was, he joined in with the rest of my friends. I knew the song by heart, every single word of it. Much to everyone’s amusement, I actually did a good job rapping to “Ice Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice.
While I was singing, Will and Justin thought it would be funny to hop up and do the dance routine Vanilla Ice actually did in the music video. It was hilarious to watch them and I had a hard time finishing the song without laughing.
When my torture was finally over, I was so mortified I collapsed on the couch next to Andy, burying my face in his chest. He put his arm over my shoulder, patting me lightly on the back.
“It’s over, Beautiful. Can you do it again?”
“Very funny. You get up and do it now,” I joked.
Still laughing, he picked up his glass of Johnnie Walker from the table. “I’d need about ten more of these before you could get me to even attempt any song.”
He finished his drink and set the empty glass back on the table, then reached over and hoisted me onto his lap, wrapping his arms tightly around me. I was surprised at his actions to say the least.
“I love you so much, Zoey.” He sighed, then buried his face in my hair. His warm breath tickled my neck, and the sadness in his voice broke my heart.
I was so relieved that he’d finally chosen to touch me I couldn’t let the moment pass by. I wrapped my arms around his neck, rested my cheek on his head, and sat there, unmoving. I didn’t know what else to do. He wanted to hold me and I was damn sure going to let him because I needed it as much as he did.
Justin cleared his throat. “Hey, party people, we better get home and let these two lovers be alone.”
Andy and I sat there while everyone packed up to leave. I didn’t get up from his lap and neither of us broke our hold on each other.
“Don’t forget, our flight leaves at twelve-thirty, Z,” Sasha called over her shoulder.
“I’ll see you girls tomorrow at ten then,” I answered quietly as everyone made their way out my door.
Once everyone left, I decided to give Andy the gift I’d bought him. While I was away, I didn’t want him to forget about everything we’d begun to build together.
“Andy, I have something for you. Wait here. I’ll go get it.”
Since I was going to be away on Valentine’s Day, I bought an iPod for him as a gift. Of course, the stores started selling Valentine’s cards before Christmas, so I picked one up after an appointment with Dr. Jensen.
I gave him a kiss on the lips, went into my closet, and pulled the little black gift bag out from behind a stack of shoeboxes.
During the week while he was at work, I worked on getting his new iPod set up. The doctor said no work for me so I would heal faster for my trip, which left me to find things to do around my apartment.
Fuck, I even went over to the shop and sat in the lounge to read the new magazines that came in the mail because I was so bored. That was after I attempted to play a few songs on my guitar, but couldn’t get it situated on my lap comfortably enough to play it without some body part hurting. The entire week had been pure hell.
I added music to the iPod I bought him on the day we went shopping for his laptop so we could Skype while I was on vacation. I made him several playlists of songs that were special to me, and songs that reminded me of him.
Back in the living room, I resumed my favorite spot on his lap.
“I know it’s not Valentine’s Day yet, but since I won’t be here…I bought this for you.” I handed him the card first. It was one of the mushy cards and it actually made me tear up when I picked it out.
He opened the card and read it as a genuine smile spread over his entire face. “Thank you. I love it,” he whispered, wrapping his muscular arms around me.
“I have a present for you too,” I said, handing him the tiny bag.
“Zoey, I didn’t get you anything.”
“You don’t need to get me anything. Open it.” I was anxious to see if he liked it.
He pulled the tissue paper out of the bag and took out the box containing the iPod. I’d wrapped it in black paper and tied it with a silver bow. He pulled off the ribbon, then the paper.
“You bought me an iPod?” he asked, as he looked it over. “No, you bought me the most expensive iPod. You shouldn’t have spent so much money on me.”
I looked him in the eyes. “Don’t worry about my money, okay? I did it because I love you and wanted to get you something nice, but that’s not the best part.” I took the box from him, opened it, and pulled out the black iPod. I chose the black one for him because it reminded me of the black paint on his Camaro.
After I powered it on, I scrolled to the song menu. “Look, I preloaded it with music for you.” I moved on to the playlists I’d made for him. “All the songs on this list remind me of you. They’re special to me and I want you to listen to them while I’m away. I made this one with some of your favorites too.”
He sat in silence for a minute after I handed the iPod to him. “It’s perfect, Zoey. Thank you.”
“Turn it over,” I said.
Earlier in the week, I’d taken the iPod to a local store that engraved items. I wanted him to remember the night of my birthday when we danced in my apartment. The night the walls I’d built around me briefly crumbled. The night I realized I loved him. He turned it over and read the back, a look of confusion washing over his face. “It’s a lyric from the song that was playing when I realized I was falling in love with you,” I admitted.
It was also the very same song he unknowingly quoted the line: Just let me love you. He put the iPod aside and we sat and held each other for what seemed like hours. Unfortunately, it was getting late and I needed to be up early in the morning for our flight.
“Let’s go to bed before you pass out on the couch. I can’t carry you,” I teased, because his eyes were as sleepy as mine were.
“Very funny,” he replied dryly. I was still sitting on his lap, but in one quick movement, he was standing upright with me still in his arms. He walked down the hall to my bedroom and laid me down on the bed. “I’ll be back after I lock up.”
By the time I was ready for bed, Andy was back, wearing only boxer briefs. I was going to miss seeing him in those every night. Well, I would mostly miss seeing him out of them. Lying on his back with his fingers entwined together behind his head, he stared at the ceiling. I hated that he was still being so distant and quiet.
I rolled over to him, laid my head on his chest, and began tracing his tattoos with my fingertip. “Please don’t be mad at me. If I’d known I was going to meet you, I would have never planned this trip. You know that, right?”
“I know, and I’m not mad at you. It’s going to be a long month. That’s all.”
Tell me about it. “For you and me,” I sighed.
He stirred and I raised my head so he could roll to his side and face me. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to make you feel bad for leaving. I feel like an asshole about last night. I want you to have a good time and take all the time you need. Remember, you were going on this vacation for a reason.”
“Yes, I remember.” How can I forget? I was stressed out and the accident had made my life extremely unbalanced again. It seemed like for every good thing that happened, something bad followed.
My mind drifted back to the memory of being dressed up in pretty lingerie for my special night with Andy. Because of my injuries, he’d flipped out and I threw him out of my apartment. I shook my head to get the memory of the devastating night out of my thoughts because it still hurt to th
ink about his rejection of me.
Once again, I was overwhelmed. Andy knew it, and I knew it. I needed a break from my life. I didn’t want to leave him because it felt like our relationship was hanging by a thread about to snap, but I knew if I didn’t take some time to de-stress, I would be no good to either of us. It would take a while to deal with all the crap that I allowed to build up for months, not to mention all the new issues between Andy and me.
Things were better since Andy came in to my life. I was seeing Dr. Jensen again, but I still needed some time away, especially after the accident. Plus, I didn’t want to become codependent on Andy. It was crucial for me to take care of myself for once.
I realized that I didn’t even know who I was. Right then, I decided the sole purpose of my trip to Cabo was to find out. Have I ever known who I truly am?
“You know I love you, right?” I asked him, to break the silence. He nodded. “Try to think of this time apart as a way to get to know each other even better. We can talk all the time on the phone and you can use your new laptop so we can see each other on Skype. Just don’t go finding someone else, okay?” I teased.
“Zoey, don’t say things like that,” he said, obviously irritated, but I knew he immediately regretted his words. “I’m sorry. I’m really tired. Can we just go to sleep, please?”
“Good night, then. I love you.” I kissed him softly on the lips then watched as he rolled away from me to go to sleep. I didn’t want to leave on a bad note, so I let it go.
The next morning, my alarm went off at eight, but most of the night I had stayed awake. Andy hadn’t slept much either. He tossed and turned as much as I did. When I rolled over to get up, he was gone. My heart sank, but I didn’t have time to worry about what he was doing or why he wasn’t there. I took a shower and dressed in some comfy traveling clothes.
After I was ready to go, I found him sitting at the dining room table, staring down at a cup of coffee. He was wearing only a pair of faded jeans, all his golden, muscled, tattooed skin on display…it was going to be a long month.