by Jen Andrews
I ran my fingers over the back of his head and neck while he stayed there with his head on my chest.
“You called me baby…” he said quietly, his voice deep and hoarse.
“Hmm…I did?”
“You asked ‘are you ready for me, baby’ earlier,” he explained.
“Oh yeah, I guess I did. Sorry,” I said as I kissed the top of his head.
“It’s okay, I liked it. You’ve only ever called me Sexy. Wait, I’m still sexy, right?”
I smiled. “Yeah, baby, you’re still Sexy. Don’t forget you’re my love too.”
He reached down, pulled the sheet up over us, and propped himself up on his elbow. He rested the palm of his free hand on my chest between my breasts. “I love you, Zoey…so much,” he said as he looked down into my eyes.
“I love you, too,” I replied. “I know this day didn’t end the way either of us predicted, but you need to know that today under the willow tree was the best, most perfect day of my life. We will get through this.”
He rolled over on the bed and laid his head on his pillow, so I rolled to my side to face him.
“Zoey, I feel like everything has been fucked up now,” he said honestly. “The day we get engaged was supposed to be a good, happy memory…and it’s been… ruined. We can’t get that back.”
“It’s not ruined,” I whispered, on the verge of tears. I was sickened at what he was telling me. “Please don’t say that.”
Tears fell from my eyes then, and I needed a minute alone to gather my thoughts. I jumped off the bed, snatched my pajamas from the floor, and went into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. I backed up against it for support, trying to catch my breath and control my emotions.
After I cleaned myself up, I pulled my pajamas back on, went to the sink, and splashed water on my face. When I stood back up, patting my cheeks dry, he was standing in the doorway.
His eyes, brilliant blue rimmed with red, were bloodshot from crying. “I’m so sorry, Zoey,” he said miserably, rubbing his jaw with the backs of his fingers.
“Will you stop apologizing?” I sobbed. “You have nothing to be sorry about. None of this is your fault. Don’t you get it?”
He crossed the room in two strides and pulled me close. “I’m sorry. I’ll try. I feel like everything is all fucked up. I wanted everything to be perfect for you.”
I sighed. “Everything was perfect, Andy. I’m trying to keep what Corey said and our amazing day separate. We don’t even know if what he said is true.”
He shook his head. “Why would he lie? He has nothing to gain from it.” I hoped he was wrong, but who would say something so horrible and lie about it?
“I don’t know…I don’t know,” I sighed. “Let’s go to sleep, and we’ll try to find Michelle tomorrow, okay?”
I slept horribly and Andy did too. He tossed and turned constantly. I finally dozed off well after two a.m. The next time I opened my eyes, the sun was up, and I was alone in bed. I yanked on some shorts and a T-shirt then went to check on Andy.
I arrived in the kitchen to find Hamish and Sarah sitting on the barstools at the kitchen island still in their pajamas.
“Where is he?” In my gut, I already knew he was gone.
They looked at each other, as if they weren’t sure what they should say to me. I saw the concern in their eyes when they turned back to me.
“He’s gone, isn’t he?” I asked, my voice shaking.
Sarah nodded. “I’m sorry, Zoey. He wanted to go talk to Michelle on his own. He wants you to go home.”
I felt nauseous, like I was going to throw up, the acid building up in my mouth. “I need to talk to him,” I mumbled as I turned around and ran back up the stairs to the bedroom to find my phone to call him.
I took my purse and turned it upside down, spilling the contents on top of the bed. “Where is it?” I cried, rummaging through my belongings. “Where the hell is my phone?” I threw the covers back on the bed then searched my suitcase for it.
“Zoey, it’s right here,” Sarah said from the doorway. “You left it on the couch last night.”
I jogged to the door, and she handed it to me with shaking hands.
“When did he leave, Sarah?”
She seemed ashamed. “It’s been a couple of hours. He woke up early and found out where Michelle is employed on the internet. She’s living in San Francisco and working at a real estate company. He’s planning on staying there tonight and going to see her at her job tomorrow.”
“How did he get there, Sarah?” Andy wouldn’t have taken my car if he wanted me to drive home.
The corners of Sarah’s mouth turned down in a frown. “He took my car, since I don’t drive it very much.”
I sat down on the bed, not saying anything back to Sarah. I was so angry with her and Hamish for letting him go alone. Did they not realize he needed someone with him for support?
They had known him his entire life. Me, less than a year, and I knew he needed someone with him.
I dialed Andy’s cell number.
“Zoey, please don’t be mad at me,” he said as soon as he answered the phone.
“I’m not mad, Andy. I am worried about you. I don’t think you should do this alone. Where are you?”
He cleared his throat. “San Francisco.” Fuck! “Please try to understand. I need to see her on my own, if she’ll even talk to me.”
What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t force him to let me help. He didn’t want me there. I didn’t have to like his decisions, but I had to respect them. It wasn’t my marriage, or my child.
However, it was my future and his at stake if this went bad.
“Fine, Andy. I can see you already made up your mind, but you didn’t have to run out on me without talking to me. That hurts more than anything,” I admitted, trying to keep the tears at bay.
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking straight and didn’t mean to hurt you. I need to go, but I’ll call you as soon as I find anything out. Go home and try not to worry about this. I’ll get it figured out.”
What choice did I have? “Alright,” I acquiesced, feeling crushed. “Please be careful, and keep me posted. I love you. Don’t forget that.”
He let out a shaky breath. “Okay, Beautiful. Please be careful driving home. I’ll miss you every day. I love you. Bye.”
The line went dead, and our call was over. A wave of dread washed over me, and my mind automatically went on autopilot. I had to get the fuck out of there and back to my home, where I could try to deal with what happened.
I packed my belongings and found everything Andy had left behind and put it in my suitcase. He did not want me with him. I was emotional and just wanted to go home. I picked up my makeup bag, headed to the bathroom, brushed my hair, and then tied it back in a loose knot.
I stood in front of the mirror brushing my teeth when Sarah came in and knocked on the doorjamb. “Zoey, do you want to talk about it?” she asked.
At the same moment, I pushed my toothbrush back a bit too far and triggered my gag reflex. I launched myself toward the sink to spit out all the toothpaste then gagged again. My face was suddenly clammy and sweaty, and I became dizzy.
I propped my elbows on the cold bathroom counter for balance.
Sarah walked into the bathroom and put her hand on my back. “Zoey, are you alright? Are you sick?” she asked.
I shook my head. “No. I think I’m better now. That was really weird.”
After rinsing my mouth and toothbrush, I splashed cold water on my face. Sarah handed me a towel to dry off.
“Thanks,” I said as I took the towel. I was still feeling a little weird from my gagging incident. “I think I need to eat something before I leave, if it’s okay.” The whole situation was making me physically sick.
She nodded. “Of course, Zoey. Let’s get you some food. If you want to talk about what’s going on, please let me know.” I nodded and followed Sarah downstairs to the kitchen.
I sat at the table, wa
tching Sarah and Hamish eating their bagels. We talked about Michelle a bit, as I picked at my bagel. It had no taste and I was having a really hard time eating it.
Other than discussing their divorce, Andy never really talked about Michelle, so I didn’t know much about her. Apparently, they eloped because her family disapproved of him.
Previously, he told me they didn’t approve of him, but I had no idea they eloped.
It seemed as if Michelle was rebelling against them after she graduated from college, and Andy was her token ‘bad boy’. I found that information slightly amusing, because there was nothing ‘bad’ about him.
Sure, tattoos covered most of his upper body, but they never even saw his tattoos because he’d gotten them all after his divorce. Her family mislabeled him as a greasy mechanic, but he was a great person. He came from a good family, from the right side of the tracks, so to speak. Michelle’s family sounded like a bunch of rich, snobby assholes to me.
“Zoey, I know Michelle sounds like a horrible person, and I am not defending her actions, but she really did love A.J. She was getting a lot of pressure from her family. It took a horrible toll on their marriage,” Sarah explained.
Why should it matter if she loved him? I shook my head in disgust. “That might be true, Sarah, but she kept a child from him. How could she do that if she loved him as much as you say she did? I love him more than anything, and I couldn’t fathom doing something like that to him.”
Hamish and Sarah nodded in understanding. “She had her reasons,” Hamish sighed. “I can’t imagine what they would be, but from what Corey was saying, it sounded like something was medically wrong with the baby.”
I let out a long breath. “I really hope she’ll talk to him, and he comes home soon.”
Andy and I hadn’t been apart for more than a weekend since we came home from Cabo at the end of February. It worried me that he was going through something so devastating by himself.
“I should really get on the road.” I stood up to wash my plate. “My parents are expecting us for dinner, and I need to let them know what’s going on.”
Hamish stood and picked up my bag for me. I picked up my purse, phone, and keys. “Thank you for having us. I’m sorry our visit turned out the way it did.”
Sarah reached out and gently squeezed my elbow for reassurance. “Zoey, it will all work out. A.J. loves you. I know you feel bad because he left, but he has always needed to work problems out on his own. It took him months to let us in after the accident. He believes it was his fault because they were coming back from one of his rugby matches. After his divorce, he went back to New Zealand for six months. He deals with matters the best way he knows how.”
Great, I had to worry about him taking off on top of everything else. “Well, I hope everything turns out for him,” I sighed. I didn’t know what else to say, so I left.
It took everything in me not to tell Sarah how wrong she was about what he needed. She said he dealt with everything the best way he knew how, but the best way to deal with problems was to address them when they happened, not to leave and ignore them.
I needed to stay strong and focused so I could be there when he realized he needed me.
By the time I hit the Sacramento city limits, I felt horrible. I was sick with worry and exhausted from not sleeping the night before. I had too much time to think on the way home from Sonoma by myself. I convinced myself I would do anything to make Andy happy. Once I arrived at my apartment, I unpacked my suitcase and started a load of laundry. I decided to take a nice hot bath after putting my makeup and bathroom items away.
When I pulled my birth control pills from my bag, I stared down at them, took a deep breath, and tossed them into the trash. I would give him what he wanted most, if it’s what would make him happy.
Besides, I only had a few days left before I needed to start a new pack anyway. I’d been on birth control for years and I was going to marry the love of my life. I would do anything for him, and he would for me. I just needed him to come home so I could tell him. Then we would get married and move on with our lives. Without a doubt, he would be happy with my decision.
I felt like shit from the stress I was putting on myself about what Andy was going through. Unfortunately, I still had to explain everything to my family since he was going to be off work. I took a nice long bath, trying to waste as much time as possible before it was time to go to my mom and dad’s.
After a long while, the water turned cool in the bathtub, so I got out. Drying myself off, I noticed my breasts were a little tender. I was not looking forward to that every month. I used to get horrible tenderness and cramps until I started taking the pill.
I dressed and called Andy. He didn’t answer, so I left him a message telling him I was going to explain what was going on to my family, and how I would split his jobs between my brothers at work until he came back.
I sent Jess a text.
Are you coming to family dinner? I need you. Something bad has happened.
Not even a minute later, my cell rang. It was Jess. “Zoey, what’s wrong?” I explained to her what happened in as much detail as possible. “Oh no, Z…I don’t even know what to say.”
I began crying, again. “Why does this shit happen, Jess? Couldn’t she have been honest with him from the beginning? He would’ve dealt with everything by now and this wouldn’t be happening to him. To us.”
Jess sighed heavily. “I don’t know. The whole thing is crazy. Are you worried he’s gonna leave?”
Terrified. “I don’t know what I’ll do if he does, Jess,” I whispered. “The only reason he was freaked out when I went to Cabo was because I was hurt. If I hadn’t been, he would’ve been fine with it because he knew I needed time away. I think if he wants to go, I have to let him.”
Later in the day, I drove myself to my mom and dad’s house for dinner. I still hadn’t heard back from Andy, so I sent him a text while I sat in the car before going inside to face everyone.
Hope you’re doing well. I wanted to let you know I’m always thinking of you and I love you.
My phone rang as I stepped out of my car. It was Andy. I slid my index finger across the screen to accept his call. “Hi,” I said when I answered.
“Hey, how are you doing?”
Needing privacy for my call, I leaned up against my car door instead of going inside the house. “I’m sad. How are you doing?”
“Same.”
“Andy?”
“Yeah, Beautiful?”
“I talked with Sarah and Hamish earlier this morning. I just wanted to let you know if you feel like you need some time away…you know, after you talk to Michelle…”
My voice wavered as tears spilled over and down my cheeks. I took another deep breath as he waited silently for me to finish. He needed to know I was okay with it if he needed time away. “I will understand if you do, but please don’t take six months, okay?”
I heard him sigh. “Alright, Zoey.”
There was no way in hell I could be away from him for that long, and there was no way I would let him deal with it on his own. I tried to deal with my problems on my own and look where it had gotten me.
Miserable, alone, and in therapy.
He told me he loved me, and we ended our call. I walked to the house, knowing in my gut that I wasn’t going to see him again, at least not for a while.
I would not let him wallow in the same self-pity that I did for months before I met him, though. He had played a big part in dragging my ass out of it. In turn, I would do the same for him if I needed to. I would give him some time to absorb the news about Emma, but I was not going to let him grieve on his own.
When I walked in the door, my entire family was sitting in the living room waiting for me. Jess leapt from her seat and ran over to me. She threw her arms around me and squeezed me tightly.
“Z, I knew it would be hard on you so I let everyone know something happened. I didn’t tell them what, but I didn’t want everyone to start gus
hing over your engagement as soon as you walked in the door. I hope you don’t mind.”
She knew me well, and I appreciated what she had done more than she could have known. I sobbed on her shoulder, trying to gain some control before I spoke to everyone.
The next thing I knew, my entire family gathered around me, each one of them resting a hand on my shoulder, back, or arm to support me. This is what Andy needed; support from his family. My family was now his too.
“I wish Andy could have this…from all of you. He needs all of us to support him.”
We sat in the living room, and I filled them in on what I’d learned so far, which wasn’t much. I hoped I would know more tomorrow after Andy talked to Michelle.
When we sat down for dinner, I convinced everyone it was acceptable to look at my stunning engagement ring. I wanted everyone to enjoy their night and help me not to dwell on things.
We would get through this. I had to believe it.
During dinner, my dad’s cell phone buzzed. He pulled it from his pocket to see who was calling. He made eye contact with me when he saw who it was, and I knew it was Andy. My dad stood and excused himself from the table to take the call in another room.
“Dad? Tell him I love him, will you?” He nodded and left the room.
When he returned a few minutes later, he gave me a weak smile before he sat back down.
“What did he say?” I asked quietly.
He squeezed my hand. “He wanted to apologize to me about missing work and to make sure I took good care of you.”
I nodded and dabbed the tears in my eyes with my napkin.
I made it through one plate of food. Still hungry because I hadn’t eaten since I’d left Sonoma, I decided to have a second helping of dinner. Adam came into the kitchen while I was filling my plate.
“Save some for me, Z. Since when do you eat seconds?” he joked as he started scooping more food onto his own plate.
I smacked him upside the head, hard. “Shut up, fuck-nugget! After living with Angie all these months, you should know better than to fuck with chicks who have PMS.”