Annotation
“My first, my incomparable love! Mary! What can existence mean to me now? You were dearer and more precious to me than the very breath of my nostrils. My life was ecstasy. I had found the perfect friendship of John, and—you! I was happy beyond all mortals! I dreamed of a love untouched by jealousy, cruelty, selfishness. I dreamed of a Paradise infinitely more beautiful than Eden. And now—both of you are bewitched by this pseudo-prophet!”
…
Jesus dragged his feet slowly. The cross, toppling to one side, beat lightly against his side. Suddenly he fell. I bent to lift him. He looked at me, but beckoned to one of the soldiers, saying in faulty Latin: “Help me, Roman!”
I was white with anger. Jesus staggered to his feet. Tauntingly I muttered: “Where are your followers? Where is your father in Heaven, you fool? All have forsaken you. Go on! Go faster! Go to your self-chosen doom!”
Jesus turned around and looked at me. All meekness had vanished from his face, now ablaze with anger. “I will go, but thou shalt tarry until I return.”
As Isaac, or Cartaphilus, as he preferred to be known, watched family and friends grow old and die while he retained his youth, he came to understand the meaning and full import of Jesus’ pronouncement. Wandering through different lands and down the centuries, he met and influenced the people, and witnessed the events that would shape the modern world. And his wandering soon became the pursuit of the elusive and incomparable Salome, and the secret of Unendurable Pleasure Indefinitely Prolonged…
“My First Two Thousand Years” is not for the faint of heart. The authors take no prisoners; repeatedly demonstrate that they hold absolutely nothing sacred; and constantly drive home the point that all of our historical figures and grand institutions are first, foremost, and above all else—human.
Note: The cover shown is from the 1956 abridged paperback edition, but the text is full and unabridged (from a clothbound edition).
* * *
My First Two Thousand Years PROLOGUE: MOUNT ATHOS I: THE SEVEN PLOVERS
II: MR. ISAAC LAQUEDEM
III: PROFESSOR BASSERMANN SUSPECTS
IV: PROBERS OF THE SOUL
THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF MR. ISAAC LAQUEDEM I: I WITNESS THE TRIAL OF JESUS—MADAME PILATE’S RECEPTIONS—I QUARREL WITH JOHN
II: MY MISTRESS MARY MAGDALENE—THE EYES OF JESUS—JESUS PUTS A SPELL ON ME—I AM THE SOLE WITNESS OF THE CRUCIFIXION—THE EXECUTIONER’S DITTY
III: I PHILANDER WITH PILATE’S WIFE—PILATE’S CAST OFF MISTRESS—LYDIA PUTS ME TO BED
IV: BAD DREAMS—I RECOVER—JERUSALEM IS NORMAL—THE MADNESS OF JOHN—MARY AND THE RAGAMUFFINS
V: PRINCESS SALOME YAWNS—THE PARABLE OF THE QUEEN BEE—I ANOINT MYSELF WITH PERFUME—THE PRINCESS COMMANDS—THE MASKED PARAMOUR
VI: MY FIRST MARRIAGE—PROCLA ASKS A QUESTION—THE DESPERATION OF LYDIA—THE CURIOUS HETAERA—I CONSULT A LEECH
VII: I AM ACCUSED OF DEALING WITH THE DEVIL—I LIQUIDATE MY ESTATE—I LAUGH—FAULTY ARITHMETIC—I SEEK—WHAT?
VIII: I ARRIVE IN ROME—I TEMPT THE GODS AND—SNEEZE—I TRANSLATE NERO’S POEMS—MY FIRST AMOUR WITH AN EMPRESS—I AM EMBARRASSED—”HOW STRONG YOU ARE CARTAPHILUS”
IX: SPORUS MISUNDERSTANDS—NERO FIDDLES—I BLAME THE NAZARENES
X: THE GREAT GOD ENNUI—THE WIND’S WILL
XI: I ENTER DELHI ON AN ELEPHANT—A FAITHFUL SERVANT—THE LEVITATION—MY FRIEND THE FAKIR—I BECOME A MAGICIAN
XII: APOLLONIUS OF TYANA RAISES THE DEAD—DAMIS THE FAVORITE DISCIPLE
XIII: DAMIS, APOLLONIUS AND JESUS—THE DOUBLE BLOSSOM OF PASSION—“CARTAPHILUS DO YOU WANT TO DIE?”—“SEEK—AND PERHAPS—YOU SHALL FIND.”
XIV: DAMIS FALLS ASLEEP—ETERNAL COMRADES—THE MARRIAGE OF THE BLOOD—“YOUR BLOOD IS POISON!”
XV: GOD OR DEMON—I AM STILL A MAN—THE RAJAH’S SISTER ASI-MA—NUPTIALS AT SEA
XVI: I BUY A VILLA—I WATCH THE STARS—“TIME IS A CAT, CARTAPHILUS”—ASI-MA WEEPS
XVII: CAR-TA-PHAL, PRINCE OF INDIA—MARCUS AURELIUS—FAUSTINA TOYS—JESUS IN THE PANTHEON—THE FEMALE WORSHIPER
XVIII: THE EMPEROR-EMPRESS—HELIOGABALUS DANCES—THE GIANT
XIX: I BECOME A GOD—PRAYERFUL BUTTOCKS—THE HOLY CAMEL—CAR-TA-PHA YAWNS
XX: CA-TA-PHA UP AND CA-TA-PHA DOWN—I MAKE A SAINT—MAN OR MONKEY—KOTIKOKURA
XXI: KOTIKOKURA SHAVES—I MAKE HISTORY—THE CROSS AND THE SWORD—THE CHRISTIAN EMPEROR—THE CRESCENT MOON HANGS UPON THE BOSPHORUS
XXII: MY VINEYARD ON THE RHINE—ULRICA—ROME IS A WITCH JEALOUS OF YOUTH—THE TREE MUST ENDURE FOREVER—KOTIKOKURA GRINS—LIFE IS CIRCULAR
XXXII: KOTIKOKURA SCRATCHES HIMSELF—A FUNERAL PROCESSION
XXIV: THE WALLS OF CHINA—I DO A MIRACLE—A CHINESE APOLLONIUS—FLOWER-OF-JOY
XXV: TAXES AND PLAGUES—STONY FINGERS—I GO—A PRISONER OF ATTILA—KOTIKOKURA PULLS HIS MUSTACHES
XXVI: I SMOKE A PIPE WITH ATTILA—TWO MEN WITHOUT A COUNTRY
XXVII: UNENDURABLE PLEASURE INDEFINITELY PROLONGED—THE LORD PROCURER TO THE SON OF HEAVEN—FLOWER-OF-THE-EVENING—THE PALACE OF PLEASURE AND PAIN—I SEEK PERFECTION—SA-LO-ME
XXVIII: IN QUEST OF THE PRINCESS—MOON, TORTOISE, OR WITCH?
XXIX: ISPAHAN PLAYS CHESS—THE PRINCESS SALOME HAS NO LORD—SALOME CLAPS HER HAND—ORGY—THE ULTIMATE PORTAL—KOTIKOKURA’S ADVENTURE—THE GOD LI-BI-DO
XXX: SALOME WRITES A LETTER—MAGIC RUINS—THE TOKEN—I LAUGH
XXXI: THE ELOQUENT HAMMER—KOTIKOKURA DISCOVERS TEARS—MOHAMMED OR JESUS?—I REACH THE OUT-SKIRTS OF MECCA
XXXII: I FACE MY DESTINY—MY FRIEND ABU-BEKR—THE ANGEL GABRIEL DICTATES A BOOK—MOHAMMED STROKES HIS BEARD—“DARUL HARB”
XXXIII: KOTIKOKURA LOSES A FRIEND—MECCA GLOWS LIKE A RUBY—THE PROPHET CONQUERS—“I MUST GO, CARTAPHILUS”
XXXIV: CATASTROPHE—I WORK A MIRACLE—I RAISE A COFFIN—ABU-BEKR PAYS HIS DEBT
XXXV: I SEEK MY SOUL—BAGDAD CHATTERS—I HIRE FIVE HUNDRED CRAFTSMEN—ALI HASAN AND MAMDUH BARAZI—THE MULTIPLICATION TABLE OF LOVE
XXXVI: THE ORCHESTRATION OF DELIGHT—KOTIKOKURA’S HAREM—THE KING OF LOVE—THE BATH OF BEAUTY—UNSOLVED PROBLEMS
XXVII: THE MASTER OF THE HAREM—TIME DISAPPEARS—I DISCOVER RELATIVITY—FUNERALS—KOTIKOKURA ACCELERATES FATE—THE MOSQUE OF A THOUSAND GRAVES
XXXVIII: I MEET A JEW—EVIL OMENS—THE DISAPPEARANCE OF ABRAHAM—SHIPWRECKED
XXXIX: SOFT HANDS—“WHERE IS KOTIKOKURA?”—ULRICA ONCE MORE—A HUSBAND WADES TO SHORE—“FAREWELL”
XL: CHARLEMAGNE HAS A PAIN IN HIS LEG—INCESTUOUS LOVE—I PREPARE TROUBLE
XLI: WHITHER?—THE NEW JEW—THE LAND WHERE MEN WEAR SKIRTS—A CLUE
XLII: THE SACRED PARROT—MASCULINE REVOLT—SALOME’S SACRILEGE—THE HIGH PRIEST OF CA-TA-PHA—THE SEX OF GOD
XLIII: THREE IMMORTALS RIDE THROUGH THE DESERT—SLAVES OF THE MOON—CONFESSIONS—KOTIKOKURA PLAYS ON A REED
XLIV: LOVE MAGIC—PARALLEL LINES—SMOKE—SALOME SMILES
XLV: COUNT DE CARTAPHILE AND BARON DE KOTIKOKURA, KNIGHTS—THE ARMY OF JESUS—ETERNAL SCAPEGOAT
XLVI: I REVISIT JERUSALEM—THE PLACE OF SKULLS—IS TIME AN ILLUSION?—THE TEMPEST—THE RED KNIGHT—“DON’T YOU KNOW ME, CARTAPHILUS?”—TREASURE TROVE
XLVII: THE ISLE OF BLISS—I MEET AN ARMENIAN BISHOP—KOTIKOKURA GROWLS—MY HEART IS IN MY MOUTH—THE ILL-TEMPERED SON OF AN IRASCIBLE FATHER
XLVIII: THE EMPIRE OF PRESTER JOHN—“IF I WILL THAT HE TARRY TILL I COME WHAT IS THAT TO THEE?”—KOTIKOKURA DANCES�
��CAN MAN INVENT A LIE?
XLIX: THE CITY OF GOD—I RECOGNIZE PRESTER JOHN—PRESTER JOHN DISCUSSES THE BEAST—TIME HAS A HEAVY FIST
L: “KOTIKOKURA, WHAT ARE WE?”—DO THE STARS HAVE A PURPOSE?—GROWTH
LI: THE GUADALQUIVIR CHURNS LIKE BUTTER—DORA CRISTINA’S POLITE INVITATION—A TEMPLE OF LOVE—UNPLUCKED ROOTS—I MEET DON JUAN—DON FERNANDO—THE FURY OF DON JUAN—KOTIKOKURA BLUSHES
LII: OUT OF THE WINDOW OF THE PAST—KOTIKOKURA, THE LION—THE DISAPPOINTMENT OF DON JUAN—I VISIT DON JUAN’S HOUSE—I DISCUSS LOVE WITH DON JUAN—DON JUAN’S SECRET—I KILL DON JUAN
LIII: I RETURN TO THE FOLD—AN ENCOUNTER IN THE GHETTO—THE RABBI’S DAUGHTER
LIV: THE BOOK OF ESTHER—THE VENGEANCE OF DON JUAN—KOTIKOKURA THE GOLEM—THE PLAGUE—THE SUICIDE OF JOSEPH—I ABJURE ISRAEL
LV: THE QUEEN PAWNS HER JEWELS—I DO BUSINESS WITH ABRAHAM—I FINANCE COLUMBUS
LVI: GILLES DE RETZ IN PARIS—TREVISAN DOES A MIRACLE—I DISCUSS THE ELIXIR OF LIFE WITH GILLES DE RETZ—“YOU ARE MY BROTHER”—BLUEBEARD’S WIFE—MY PUPIL ANNE
LVII: THE LABORATORY OF GILLES DE RETZ—GILLES CHALLENGES GOD—BIRTH PANGS OF HOMUNCULUS—THE FEARS OF CATHERINE—THE SECRET LOVE OF GILLES DE RETZ
LVIII: I BREAK THE MAGIC CIRCLE—THE WHITE WITCH JOAN OF ARC—I CRASH A MIRROR—I WITNESS A MIRACLE—THE FLIGHT OF THE FALSE MAGICIANS
LIX: SULLEN PEASANTS—A DROP OF BLOOD GLISTENING IN THE BLUE—THE NEEDS OF HOMUNCULUS—THE DREAM OF GILLES DE RETZ—KOTIKOKURA MAKES A DISCOVERY
LX: THE LOVE OF ANNE—ANNE PROPOSES—I BETRAY A FRIEND—POWDERS AND MASKS
LXI: WHITE MASS—BLACK MASS—BLACK PRAYER—RITES OF SATAN—BEAST OR GOD—THE SACRIFICE—THE BAPTISM OF HOMUNCULUS—JUDAS—I SEND A PRESENT TO ANNE
LXII: THE CITY OF FLOWERS—LA FESTA DEL GRILLO—THE SANITARY EXPERT—THE INTOXICATION OF KOTIKOKURA—THE ADVENTURE OF TWO YOUTHS
LXIII: ANTONIO AND ANTONIA—BOY OR GIRL—I BLUSH—I TELL A STORY—BEAUTY IS A FLAME—TWO RINGS FOR ONE
LXIV: MAN A RHEUMATIC TORTOISE—I TAKE STOCK OF MYSELF—I BRING THE HOLY GRAIL TO ALEXANDER VI—I DISCUSS THEOLOGY WITH THE POPE—THE HOLY FATHER AND HIS UNHOLY FAMILY—I AM TALKATIVE—ALEXANDER ASKS A QUESTION—TRAPPED
LXV: THE HOLY INQUISITION—UNTAPPED RESERVOIRS—A NUN VISITS ME—“DANCE!”—THE ABBESS OF THE CONVENT OF THE SACRED HEART—SALOME BATTLES AGAINST THE MOON
LXVI: DARLINGS OF THE GODS—STIRRING THE ASHES—BIRDS ON THE WING
LXVII: THE JOY OF LIVING—THE FRIAR OF WITTENBERG TALKS ABOUT LOVE—CHRIST AND ANTI-CHRIST—KOTIKOKURA’S ADVENTURE—A FINE NOSE FOR SULPHUR—I RAISE A STORM
LXVIII: KOTIKOKURA SUCKS A LEMON—WE CROSS THE CHANNEL—KOTIKOKURA LEARNS TO WRITE
LXIX: I MEET “THE WANDERING JEW”—I AM MALIGNED—A CROSS-EXAMINATION—BOOTS
LXX: QUEEN ELIZABETH PASSES—DUST TO DUST—I DISCOVER MYSELF IN A BOOK
LXXI: FRANCIS BACON, LORD VERULAM—I GO TO THE THEATER—I MEET “MR. W. H.”—THE JEALOUSY OF KOTIKOKURA—ANTONIO-ANTONIA—I LIFT A CURTAIN—THE MASTER THIEF
LXXII: ENGLAND SMOKES—MERMAID’S TAVERN—WILLIE HEWES GIGGLES
LXXIII: A LETTER FROM SALOME—I RETURN TO AFRICA—I AM DETHRONED—FLAMES
LXXIV: THE BROKEN VESSEL—EUROPE IS SICK—THE NEW PROPHET
LXXV: I DISCUSS GOD WITH SPINOZA—NEW VISION—APOLLONIUS WALKS WITH US—I MAKE MY PEACE WITH JESUS
LXXVI: AT THE DOCK OF SAARDAM—THE HUMOR OF THE TSAR—KOTIKOKURA FORGETS—I BUILD A CITY—THE EMPIRE OF GOLD
LXXVII: THE THRONE OF THE GOLDEN CALF—I MAKE A DEAL WITH MAYER-ANSELM ROTHSCHILD
LXXVIII: FREDERICK PLAYS CHESS—THE TABACKS COLLEGIUM—THE KING’S MONKEY—I QUARREL WITH VOLTAIRE—VOLTAIRE’S FAUX PAS
LXXIX: ROTHSCHILD MOVES TO PARIS—A FASHIONABLE SALON—THE GOD ENNUI—KOTIKOKURA’S NEW LANGUAGE—ROUSSEAU MAKES A FOOL OF HIMSELF—I RECEIVE A MYSTERIOUS INVITATION—THE GOLDEN BOY—HERMA—A GLIMPSE OF LILITH
LXXX: ASSORTED LOVERS—THE TRANSVESTITE—NARCISSUS-NARCISSA—LOVE IS A SHOE—THE ESOTERIC BARONESS—THE LOVER OF DREAMS—L’HOMME SERPENT—SHIFTING SEXES—QUEEN LILITH AND KING LUCIFER—GODS FOR A NIGHT—A MISSIVE FROM SALOME—I LAUGH
LXXXI: TWO PARALLEL LINES MEET—THE GARDEN OF SALOME—HOMUNCULA—A CENTURY IN RETROSPECT—ADVENTURES IN THE NEW WORLD—THE WOMB OF CREATION—A SIMIAN ABELARD—I PLAY CHESS—THE BLACK KING AND THE RED KING—THE LAST INGREDIENT—ULTIMATE MEANINGS—KOTIKOKURA SNORES
EPILOGUE: MOUNT ATHOS THE DISAPPEARANCE OF ISAAC LAQUEDEM
* * *
My First Two Thousand Years
The Autobiography of the Wandering Jew
George Sylvester Viereck
Paul Eldridge
PROLOGUE: MOUNT ATHOS
I: THE SEVEN PLOVERS
THE sun hurled spears of fire at the golden cross crowning the marble peak of Mount Athos.
Suddenly the flaming glory was darkened by the shadows of seven black-breasted plovers hovering for a moment, as if in deliberation, over the ivy-crowned tower of the monastery, and vanishing with a shrill cry.
“What an unearthly sound!” exclaimed Aubrey Lowell.
“Their screams,” remarked his companion, a German of colossal stature, “echo the sounds of the battle-fields over which they have flown.”
“It is incomprehensible to me by what subterranean channels the Holy Fathers keep in touch with the outside world, in times such as these,” Aubrey remarked.
“Not many months ago,” Professor Bassermann replied, dropping his voice to a whisper, “a mutiny against the Government broke out on a Russian warship. Eluding the Grand Fleet, at least thirty of the officers and the men landed, no one knows where. A little later thirty newcomers, holy hermits, no doubt, sought refuge in one of the monasteries.”
“I presume,” Aubrey said, “the Holy Fathers were not pleased by this invasion.”
“The Holy Fathers,” Professor Bassermann continued, “are desperately afraid of being drawn into a political controversy, and are in mortal terror of the long arm of the Czar, and of the Kaiser. It is fortunate that our diplomatic friend in Constantinople secured an introduction to Father Ambrose for us. In such perilous times every traveler is subject to suspicion and may be denied an asylum. Fate was in an ironical mood when she tempted us to go globe-trotting during a World War. Who knows how long we may be compelled to wait here, until we receive our visa!”
“Meanwhile,” Aubrey said, “we can probe the mysteries of the place. I am sure every shrine has its secrets. In every fold of the altar cloth rustles a century. Even in the sunshine, the ghosts of past generations seem to wander about.”
“You are in a mood for fantasy, my friend,” replied the other.
“In a spot where for twelve centuries men’s minds have dwelt upon the eternal, everything seems to glow with hidden significance. Here all things are possible.”
Their ears caught the rustling of wings overhead. Once more a shadow flitted over the landscape.
“What is that?” asked Basil Bassermann.
“Plovers—seven plovers. This is the second time they have flown over the belfry.”
“You counted them?”
“Yes, and I counted seven,” Aubrey remarked. “The very atmosphere admits of no other number.”
“Superstition is a form of atavism to which all minds are subject. Even my blood,” Professor Bassermann conceded somewhat ponderously, “feels the dust of ages rising from all these ancient objects.”
“What a confession for the foremost scientist of Harvard!” Aubrey taunted the old professor. “You know,” he added after a pause, knitting his brow to recapture a thought, “I have studied the history of superstition a little. There is an ancient story about seven plovers. The seven soldiers who assisted at the crucifixion were transformed into plovers, doomed to circle the sky forever.”
“Perhaps it means that we shall never get our visa,” Professor Bassermann remarked with a wry face. “Are your sacred fowls harbingers of evil? Our old peasa
nts always say that plovers prophesy rain.”
“They foretell something. What it is, however, has for the moment escaped me.”
He nervously passed his hand through his hair.
“We are both tired and overwrought from travel,” Professor Bassermann interjected. “There is a tension in the air which affects even me. Surely of all places this must be the very hotbed of superstition. By the way, do you know that Father Ambrose, as soon he divests himself of his stole, is a remarkable psychologist? Most of the monks here are crude and ignorant, but he has studied the library of Mount Athos, the oldest in the world, and is acquainted with the history of mental science from Aristotle to Freud. You will probably find that many of your ideas are in sympathy with his. He is a mystic.”
“What is a mystic, Professor?”
“You’re half a mystic. A part of your brain is open to the lantern of knowledge, but there are dark alleys in those gray convolutions that shut themselves stubbornly to facts.”
“To facts, perhaps, not to truth.”
“Truth is based on facts, Aubrey. There can be no valid truth outside of human experience.”
“I,” Aubrey replied, “seek a reconciliation between the miraculous and science, between the revealed and the unrevealed mysteries.”
“Ignoramus, Ignorabimus,” Professor Bassermann sighed. “We know not, and we shall not know. We can cut up a body or dissect a nerve, but the vital essence eludes us forever. Yet very likely your seven fowls presage some mysterious visitor or some startling event. While we are chatting aimlessly, the belligerents are upsetting the map of Europe.”
“The peak on which we are standing has seen many revolutions of the wheel of fate. If only,” Aubrey remarked dreamily, “the rock could speak, what marvelous tales it could unfold! Inanimate stones would be more eloquent than the camera, if we only knew the secret that loosens their tongues.”
“Meanwhile we must depend upon annals written by man,” Bassermann drily insisted.
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