8 (An acquaintance asked Beau Brummell where he had dined the previous night.)
“Why, with a person of the name of R ——. I believe he wishes me to notice him, hence the dinner; but to give him his due, he desired that I would make up the party myself, so I asked Alvanley, Mills, Pierrepoint, and a few others, and I assure you the affair turned out quite unique; there was every delicacy in and out of season; the Sillery was perfect, and not a wish remained ungratified; but, my dear fellow, conceive my astonishment when I tell you that Mr. R—— had the assurance to sit down and dine with us.”
BRUNET, George (1935–91), US baseball player.
1 The left-handed pitcher played for thirty different teams over his career, much of which was spent in the minor leagues. Eventually an American League team member, Brunet ended his career as a much older player in the Mexican League. Overweight and sloppy, he never wore a protective cup under his uniform. He admitted, “Getting out of the way of ground balls up the middle has cost me a few singles over the years.”
BRUNO, Giordano (1548–1600), Italian philosopher, theologian, and astronomer.
1 Denounced to the Venetian Inquisition in 1592, Bruno put up a plausible defense. However, the much more relentless Roman Inquisition demanded that he be handed over to them. Over the next seven years Bruno’s trial progressed to its inevitable conclusion. On February 8, 1600, eight cardinals excommunicated him (yet again) and with customary hollow recommendation to mercy turned him over to the secular law. “Perhaps your fear in passing judgment is greater than mine in receiving it,” commented the unrepentant ex-monk. On February 17 Bruno was led barefoot to the stake and burned alive — gagged to restrain him from uttering further heresies in his final agony.
BRYAN, William Jennings (1860–1925), US politician and perennial presidential candidate.
1 Admiral Togo, whose brilliant tactics had destroyed the Russian fleet at the battle of the Sea of Japan, visited the United States shortly after the Russo-Japanese War. At a state dinner arranged in his honor Bryan was asked to propose the toast. A strict Prohibitionist, he absolutely refused to drink champagne, and it was feared that an embarrassing breakdown of protocol was about to occur. When Bryan rose to propose the toast he held up his glass, saying, “Admiral Togo has won a great victory on the water, and I will therefore toast him in water. When Admiral Togo wins a victory on champagne, I will toast him in champagne.”
2 On a campaign Bryan was asked to speak to a crowd of people assembled in a field. As he climbed up onto the manure spreader that served as an impromptu dais, he remarked, “This is the first time I have ever spoken from a Republican platform.”
3 In a burst of patriotism, J. P. Morgan announced, “America is good enough for me!”
“Whenever he doesn’t like it, he can give it back to us,” was William Jennings Bryan’s comment.
BUCHANAN, James (1791–1868), US politician, 15th President of the United States (1857– 61).
1 In 1845 President Polk appointed Buchanan secretary of state. Ex-President Andrew Jackson made a strong protest. “But you yourself appointed him minister to Russia in your first term,” said Polk defensively. “Yes, I did,” said Jackson. “It was as far as I could send him out of my sight, and where he could do the least harm. I would have sent him to the North Pole if we had kept a minister there.”
2 On leaving the White House in March 1861, Buchanan said to the incoming President, Abraham Lincoln, “If you are as happy, my dear sir, on entering this house as I am in leaving it and returning home, you are the happiest man in this country.”
BUCKINGHAM, George Villiers, 2d Duke of (1628–87), British statesman.
1 On a royal ceremonial occasion Charles II was being addressed by the full battery of his titles. When the master of ceremonies got to the epithet “Father of his people,” Buckingham added, in an undertone, “or quite a lot of them.” Even Charles could not overlook this lèse-majesté, and Buckingham was told to withdraw from the court for a while.
BUCKLAND, William (1784–1856), British geologist and paleontologist.
1 Professor Buckland had great gastronomic curiosity. John Ruskin, once his student, tells us (in Praeterita) that he “always regretted a day of unlucky engagement on which I missed a delicate toast of mice.”
The professor, who disdained virtually nothing organic, once decided that a mole was the nastiest thing he had ever tasted. Later on he awarded the palm to blue-bottles. He was once shown the heart of a king of France, preserved in a snuff box. Said the professor, “I have eaten some strange things, but never the heart of a king.” And swallowed it.
2 Buckland once gave a dinner party at which a delicious but unusual soup was served. He challenged his guests to name the chief ingredient, but none guessed correctly. They were subsequently horrified to learn that they were eating the remains of an alligator Buckland had dissected earlier in the day. Two or three were obliged to make a hasty exit from the room. “See what imagination is,” said Buckland. “If I told them it was turtle, or terrapin, or bird’s-nest soup, they would have pronounced it excellent, and their digestion would have been none the worse.” One of the remaining guests ventured to ask if the soup had really been made from the dissected alligator. “As good a calf’s head as ever wore a coronet,” answered Buckland with a smile.
BUCKLEY, William F[rank] (1925–), US author, conservative Republican figure, and word lover.
1 In 1965, Buckley stood as Conservative candidate for the office of mayor of New York City. The likelihood of victory being almost nonexistent, the campaign was not taken very seriously, even by Buckley himself. A reporter asked him what his first action would be if elected. “I’d demand a recount,” replied Buckley.
2 Buckley once sent fellow author Norman Mailer a copy of his latest book. Mailer, disappointed to find that Buckley had not written any message on the flyleaf, promptly turned to the index to see if he had been mentioned. Alongside Mailer’s name in the index was the handwritten greeting “Hi!”
BUDDHA, Gautama (563–483 BC), Indian prince whose teachings formed the basis of Buddhism.
1 After his enlightenment the Buddha decreed, as an act of personal humility, that no one was to make an image of him or to paint him. However, one nameless artist, seeing him sitting deep in contemplation on the banks of the Ganges at Benares, was so moved by his saintly demeanor that he could not resist attempting to portray the Buddha in some way. He reasoned that if he used as his model, not the Buddha himself, but his reflection in the rippling waters of the Ganges, he would be able to secure for posterity a portrait of the great man without defying the injunction. For this reason many representations of the youthful Buddha have folds in their garments known as the waterripple effect.
2 A man interrupted Buddha’s preaching with a flood of abuse. Buddha waited until he had finished and then asked him, “If a man offered a gift to another but the gift was declined, to whom would the gift belong?”
“To the one who offered it,” said the man.
“Then,” said Buddha, “I decline to accept your abuse and request you to keep it for yourself.”
The old Duc de Broglie, reminiscing in company about memorable letters he had received, recalled, “The one that gave me the greatest satisfaction was one I got from a very lovely lady. It consisted of only one word.”
“And that was?” said one of the guests.
“Friday.”
— W. SCHOLZ,
Das Buch das Lachens
BUDÉ, Guillaume (1467–1540), French humanist scholar.
1 Budé’s servant came running to him one day to tell him that the house was on fire. “Tell your mistress,” Budé replied, waving him away. “You know I leave all household matters in her hands.”
BUDGE, J. Donald (1915–2000), US tennis player.
1 In 1937 Budge met Baron Gottfried von Cramm of Germany in the deciding match of the Davis Cup final at Wimbledon. Just as the game was due to begin, watched by Queen Mary, von Cramm
was called to the telephone. “You can’t keep Queen Mary waiting,” said an official severely. “I can’t keep der Fuehrer waiting,” responded von Cramm. The caller was Adolf Hitler, ordering the baron to win for the honor of Germany.
BUFFALMACCO, Buonamico (?1262–?1340), Italian painter.
1 Buffalmacco once lived next door to a rich woolworker, whose wife worked throughout the night at her spinning wheel. The noise of the wheel frequently kept the painter awake. In desperation he devised a plan to remedy the nuisance. Having noticed a small hole in the communicating wall, directly above the neighbors’ cooking pot, Buffalmacco hollowed out a cane, pushed it through the wall, and was thus able to add a large amount of salt to the woolworker’s dinner every evening. After two or three inedible meals, the woolworker began to beat his wife for her carelessness, and her screams brought a number of their neighbors, including Buffalmacco, to their door. “This calls for a little reason,” said the painter when he had heard his neighbor’s case. “You complain that the pot is too much salted, but I marvel that this good woman can do anything well, considering that the whole night she sits up over that wheel of hers and has not an hour’s sleep. Let her give up this all-night work and sleep her fill, so she will have her wits about her by day and will not fall into such blunders.” The woolworker accepted Buffalmacco’s advice, and from that time on the painter enjoyed an undisturbed night’s rest.
BULL, John (?1563–1628), British composer.
1 “The queen’s will being to know the music, her Grace was at that time at the virginals: whereupon, he, being in attendance, Master Bull did come by stealth to hear without, and by mischance did sprawl into the queen’s majesty’s presence, to the queen’s great disturbance. She demanding incontient the wherefore of such presumption, Master Bull with great skill said that wheresoever majesty and music so well combined, no man might abase himself too deeply; whereupon the queen’s majesty was mollified.”
2 Hearing of a famous musician at St. Omer’s, Dr. Bull, pretending to be a novice, visited him. The man showed Bull a song with forty parts, boasting that it was so complete and full that no one could add to it or improve it. Bull requested pen, ink, and ruled paper and then asked to be locked up in the cathedral music school for two or three hours. The musician locked Bull in as he desired. Before his return Bull had added another forty parts to the original song. The musician tried the music, examined it, then exclaimed that the hand that had added the extra forty parts must be either that of the devil or of Dr. Bull. Bull thereupon disclosed his identity and the St. Omer man fell at his feet in homage.
BULLER, Sir Redvers Henry (1839–1908), British general.
1 On one of the numerous occasions when Buller was forced to retreat by the Boers, he put the best face possible on the setback by saying that he had retreated without losing a man, a flag, or a cannon. “Or,” added Whistler, when the story was told to him, “a minute.”
BÜLOW, Hans Guido, Baron von (1830–94), German conductor and pianist.
1 The kaiser wearied of von Bülow’s eccentricities and let fall a heavy hint: “If anyone doesn’t care for the way things are in Germany, let him shake the dust from his shoes.” At the end of von Bülow’s last concert in Berlin, he laid down his baton, took out a handkerchief, and elaborately dusted his shoes. And left next day for Egypt.
2 Invited to play for Napoleon III, von Bülow was annoyed to find that the emperor soon ceased to attend to the music and began talking animatedly to one of his guests. Von Bülow stopped playing. “When his majesty speaks,” he said, “all must be silent.”
3 A young composer asked von Bülow to listen to his latest composition, a piece that turned out to be notable mainly for the extent of its borrowings from other composers. “How do you like it?” asked the man when he had played it through. “I have always liked it,” replied von Bülow.
4 Musicians could assure themselves of the approval of a certain music critic only by taking moderately priced lessons from him. “That’s not too bad,” observed von Bülow. “His fees are so low one might almost call him incorruptible.”
BUNSEN, Robert Wilhelm (1811–99), German chemist; the Bunsen burner is named for him.
1 At the end of one of Bunsen’s courses, a student of completely unfamiliar appearance presented his certificate to the professor for endorsement. “But, Herr Dingskirch,” said Bunsen, glancing at the name on the card, “I’ve never seen you at any of my lectures.”
“Quite so,” replied the student. “You see, I always sit behind the pillar.”
“What a lot of you sit there,” remarked Bunsen, endorsing the certificate with a sigh of resignation.
BUÑUEL, Luis (1900–83), Spanish film director.
1 Buñuel was brought up as a Catholic by the Jesuits. When asked, in later life, if he had been deeply affected by his Jesuit education, he replied, “I am an atheist, thanks be to God.”
BURKE, Edmund (1729–97), British statesman, political philosopher, and writer.
1 The barrister Arthur Murphy opposed Burke in the discussion during the early 1770s on the question of whether perpetual copyright could exist in literary property. Murphy argued the case of those who contested the booksellers’ endeavor to establish such a principle. Discussing the question with Murphy, Burke observed, “But you must remember the booksellers deal in commodities they are not supposed to understand.”
“True,” said Murphy, “some of ’em do deal in morality.”
2 David Hartley, son of the famous philosopher of the same name, was an exceptionally dull speaker. As member of Parliament for Hull, he regularly emptied the House of Commons when he rose to speak. On one occasion in 1783 his audience had dwindled from about three hundred to eighty, most of these half asleep. He seemed about to wind up his oration when he demanded that the clerk of the House read the text of the 1715 Riot Act to illustrate some point he had made. At this Burke leaped to his feet, shouting, “The Riot Act? The Riot Act? To what purpose? Don’t you see that the mob is already quietly dispersed?”
3 Someone observed to Burke that the democratic faction in Parliament never seemed to hold together for any length of time. Burke replied, “Birds of prey are not gregarious.”
4 Burke’s celebrated nine-day speech made in 1794 at the trial of Warren Hastings, the former colonial administrator in India, on charges of corruption, was widely acclaimed as a masterpiece of eloquence. The greatest tribute, however, came from Hastings himself. “For half an hour,” he confessed, “I looked up at the orator in a reverie of wonder, and during that space I actually felt myself the most culpable man on earth.”
5 Edward Thurlow was moved to the patriotic exclamation: “When I forget my king, may my God forget me!”
“And the best thing God can do for him,” muttered Burke.
BURNETT, Carol (1934–), US actress.
1 Climbing out of a cab one day, Miss Burnett inadvertently caught her coat in the door. As the driver continued on his way, unaware of the accident, the comedienne was obliged to run alongside the moving vehicle to avoid being pulled off her feet. A quick-thinking passerby, noticing her plight, hailed the cab and alerted the driver. Having released Miss Burnett’s coat, the driver asked her anxiously, “Are you all right?” “Yes,” she replied, still gasping for breath, “but how much more do I owe you?”
BURNS, George (1896–1996), US actor and radio comedian.
1 Burns worked in radio for many years with his wife, Gracie Allen. After her death he visited her grave regularly. An interviewer jokingly asked him if he told her what had been going on. “Sure, why not?” was the reply. “I don’t know whether she hears me, but I’ve nothing to lose and it gives me a chance to break in new material.”
2 George Burns was lunching one day at a restaurant with his friend Jack Benny. Benny could not make up his mind about whether he should put butter on his bread. “I hate bread without butter,” he sighed. On the other hand, his wife, Mary, had put him on a diet specifying no butter. What shou
ld he do? Perhaps he should ring up Mary? At this point George Burns cut across his deliberations with, “Please, Jack, just make this one decision yourself!” So Benny had the butter.
At the end of the meal when the bill was brought, Burns told the waiter to give it to Benny. “Why should I pay?” asked Benny. “If you don’t, I’ll tell Mary about the butter,” said Burns.
3 On reaching the age of eighty-five, George Burns observed that this was a very comfortable stage of life: “I was always taught to respect my elders and I’ve now reached the age when I don’t have anybody to respect.”
4 Ed Sullivan happened to mention in his newspaper column one day that George Burns wore a toupee. Burns later reproached Sullivan for publicizing this embarrassing piece of information. “But, George,” said Sullivan, “I didn’t think you’d mind.”
“If I didn’t mind,” retorted Burns, “why would I wear a toupee?”
BURR, Aaron (1756–1836), US politician and lawyer.
1 Burr was inordinately proud of his reputation as a lady-killer. A friend asked him, shortly before his death, why he allowed a woman to saddle him with the paternity of a child when he knew he was not its father. Burr replied, “Sir, when a lady does me the honor to name me the father of her child, I trust I shall always be too gallant to show myself ungrateful for the favor.”
2 Burr had had a tumultuous personal life. At the age of seventy-seven he married a wealthy ex-courtesan, Mrs. Jumel, whose fortune he quickly squandered before leaving her. At the age of eighty, still squabbling with his soon-to-be-ex-wife, he fell gravely ill. His friend Dr. P. J. Van Pelt, who was at his bedside, asked him if he was prepared to accept salvation. Burr replied, “On that subject I am coy.” A few minutes later, and two hours after his divorce was finalized, he died.
Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes Page 17