“ ‘No, my dear, you may not.’
“ ‘Then I wish —’
“ ‘What do you wish?’
“ ‘I wish I were God, for the instant, that I might kill every woman from Eve down and let you have the masculine world all to yourselves and see how you would like that!’”
LLOYD GEORGE, David, 1st Earl (1863–1945), British statesman; prime minister (1916–22).
1 In the early days of his political career Lloyd George appeared as a speaker at a rally in favor of Home Rule. His speech advocated extension of the principle to other parts of the British Empire. “Home Rule in Ireland, Home Rule in India, Home Rule in South Africa —” At this point he was interrupted by a heckler shouting, “ ’Ome Rule for ’Ell.” Lloyd George’s glance swept round the audience until he had picked out the speaker. “Yes,” he thundered back, pointing his finger at the interrupter, “Home Rule for Hell. I like every man to speak for his own country.”
2 When popular patriotism was at its zenith at the outbreak of World War I, and the slogan “The war that will end war” was on every tongue, Lloyd George expressed a gloomy skepticism. “This war, like the next war, is a war to end war,” he remarked.
3 During his ministry Lloyd George had to contend with World War I, the economic crisis, and the Sinn Fein movement for Irish liberation, among other difficulties. Asked how he retained his good spirits, he replied, “Well, I find that a change of nuisances is as good as a vacation.”
4 The chairman of a meeting introduced Lloyd George with the jocular remark: “I had expected to find Mr. Lloyd George a big man in every sense, but you see for yourselves he is quite small in stature.”
“In North Wales,” replied Lloyd George, “we measure a man from his chin up. You evidently measure from his chin down.”
5 Lloyd George was once approached by explorer Ernest Shackleton, seeking a sponsor for his next expedition. Proud to be considered a friend of the rich and famous, Lloyd George introduced the explorer to a millionaire of his acquaintance. Some time later, Lloyd George inquired of Shackleton how the meeting had gone. “Very well indeed,” replied the explorer, “your friend was most charming and considerate. He offered me ten thousand pounds for my expenses, provided I would take you along with me to the Pole. And he promised me one million pounds if I were to leave you there by mistake.”
LLOYD WEBER, Andrew (1948–), British popular composer.
1 Lloyd Weber was searching for someone to write the lyrics for his latest production, and paid a visit to Alan Jay Lerner, who had written the lyrics for My Fair Lady. Lloyd Weber expressed disappointment that he had not been able to find a steady collaborator. “I don’t know why,” he said, “but some people dislike me as soon as they meet me.” Lerner replied, “Perhaps it saves time.”
LOBENGULA (c. 1836–94), king of the Mata-bele (1870–94).
1 Lobengula was anxious until the last minute to avoid open conflict with the encroaching Europeans. Unfortunately, a party of indunas (chiefs) whom he sent as emissaries to the British were attacked and killed through a misunderstanding. Lobengula, enraged at what he saw as treachery, declared war. He did this in the traditional way, by driving an assegai (short stabbing spear) into the ground in sight of the assembled army. The shaft of the assegai snapped. Despite this bad omen the Matabele warriors marched out to war — and defeat.
LOCKE, John (1632–1704), British philosopher.
1 Locke had been introduced by his patron Lord Shaftesbury to two other noblemen. Rather than take the opportunity to converse with the philosopher, the three men sat down to play cards. Locke said nothing, but began to scribble in his notebook. Some time later, intrigued by the philosopher’s behavior, one of the players asked what he was doing. “My lord,” replied Locke, “I am endeavoring, as far as possible, to profit by my present situation; for having waited with impatience for the honor of being in company with the greatest geniuses of the age, I thought I could do nothing better than to write down your conversation, and indeed I have set down the substance of what you have said for this hour or two.” This remark had the desired effect, and the noblemen, suitably embarrassed, abandoned their game.
LOMBARDI, Vince (1913–70), US football coach.
1 Lombardi was a stern disciplinarian but also an inspirational leader who hated to lose. After one noteworthy victory, he was asked how important it was to him to win. He said, “Winning isn’t everything, but wanting to win is.”
2 One of the Green Bay Packers remarked on Lombardi’s fairness, the fact that he treated every man the same. “He treats us all like dogs.”
LONG, Huey Pierce (1893–1935), US lawyer and politician.
1 Before beginning his electoral campaign in southern Louisiana, Long was reminded by a colleague that a large number of the voters there were Catholics. In accordance with this advice, he opened his first speech with the words: “When I was a boy, I would get up at six o’clock in the morning on Sunday, and I would hitch our old horse up to the buggy and I would take my Catholic grandparents to mass. I would bring them home, and at ten o’clock I would hitch the old horse up again, and I would take my Baptist grandparents to church.”
“Why, Huey,” remarked his colleague later, “you’ve been holding out on us. I didn’t know you had any Catholic grandparents.”
“Don’t be a damn fool,” replied Long. “We didn’t even have a horse.”
2 Although an ardent supporter of the New Deal, Long was wary of wholehearted support for Roosevelt. The only difference between Hoover and Roosevelt, he once said, was that Hoover was a hoot owl while Roosevelt was a scrootch owl. “A hoot owl bangs into the roost and knocks the hen clean off, and catches her while she’s falling. But a scrootch owl slips into the roost and talks softly to her. And the hen just falls in love with him, and the first thing you know, there ain’t no hen.”
LONGWORTH, Alice Roosevelt (1884–1980), US society hostess, daughter of Theodore Roosevelt.
1 Alice’s antics scandalized the staid society of Washington during her father’s tenure at the White House. When a visitor objected to the girl’s wandering in and out of the President’s office while he was discussing important business with her father, Roosevelt said, “I can be President of the United States or I can control Alice. I cannot possibly do both.”
2 Alice’s barbed comments on political figures quickly became current Washington gossip. When Thomas E. Dewey was seeking the Republican presidential nomination, she exclaimed, “How can the Republican party nominate a man who looks like the bridegroom on a wedding cake?”
LOUIS, Joe (1914–81), US boxer, world heavyweight champion.
1 Joe Louis defended his heavyweight title against Billy Conn, “the Pittsburgh Kid,” in June 1941. Although Conn was much smaller and lighter than Louis, his speed and agility made him a serious challenger. As his opponent darted around him and managed to get in some telling punches, Louis grew increasingly confused and his own punches appeared to have no effect. By the end of the twelfth round Conn was a long way ahead on points and the huge crowd of fans were confident they would see a new champion. At the start of the thirteenth round Conn delivered a heavy punch to Louis and went in for the kill, only to meet a tremendous uppercut from Louis that stretched him out cold on the canvas.
Several years later the two boxers were talking about this famous battle, and Conn asked jokingly why Louis had not let him win that one fight. “You could have sort of loaned me the crown for six months,” he said. Louis replied seriously, “Billy, you had that title for twelve rounds.”
2 Joe Louis defended the rights of his race before there really was a civil rights movement. Touring the army bases of the South during World War II, giving boxing exhibitions, he and black fighter Sugar Ray Robinson were once confronted by a military policeman while waiting at an Alabama bus station.
“You soldiers belong in the rear of the station,” said the M.P.
When the two men didn’t respond, they were arrested and sever
ely reprimanded by an officer at the provost marshal’s office.
“I’m sorry, sir,” Joe Louis replied. “But I’m in this war like anybody else. I expect to be treated like anybody else.”
3 Knocked down by a surprise left from Tony Galento, Louis was back on his feet before the referee could start the count. Joe’s trainer later reproached him: “I keep teaching you to take a count when you’re knocked down. Now why didn’t you stay down for nine like I’ve always taught you?”
“What,” growled Louis, “and let him get all that rest?”
4 In 1946 Joe Louis once again prepared to defend his title against Billy Conn. He was warned to watch out for Conn’s great speed and his tactic of darting in to the attack and then moving quickly out of his opponent’s range. In a famous display of (justified) confidence, Louis replied, “He can run, but he can’t hide.”
LOUIS XI (1423–83), king of France (1461–83).
1 A devout believer in astrology, Louis was deeply impressed when an astrologer correctly foretold that a lady of the court would die in eight days’ time. Deciding that the too-accurate prophet should be disposed of, he summoned the man to his apartments, having first told his servants to throw the visitor out of the window when he gave the signal. “You claim to understand astrology and to know the fate of others,” Louis said to the man, “so tell me at once what your fate will be and how long you have to live.” “I shall die just three days before Your Majesty,” answered the astrologer. Louis decided not to risk defenestration.
LOUIS XIV (1638–1715), king of France (1643–1715), known as Le Roi Soleil (the Sun King) because of the brilliance of his court and the prestige that France achieved during his reign.
1 When Louis’s father, Louis XIII, knew himself to be dying, he took much consolation and pleasure in the precocious energy and intelligence of the four-year-old dauphin. “What is your name?” the king asked playfully. “Louis the Fourteenth,” replied the child promptly. “Not quite yet, my son,” said the king with a smile.
2 The etiquette that attended every portion of the king’s day was minutely prescribed. The grand lever ceremony, at which the king dressed and made ready, was attended by over a hundred courtiers. Despite living surrounded by grandeur and formality, Louis was capable of showing genuine concern for the feelings of others. A valet who had made a mistake in the details of the royal lever was immediately abused and scolded by the assembled courtiers. “Let us not forget,” Louis interposed, “that he is far more upset about it than I am.”
3 Louis’s great general, Maréchal Villars, made enemies among the king’s favorites. A pretext was found to send him off to a dangerous posting in Germany. The marshal took his leave of Louis with these words: “I leave Your Majesty surrounded by my enemies, and I go to be surrounded by yours.”
4 Louis XIV was one day expatiating to his courtiers on the absolute power great kings have over their subjects. The Comte de Guiche objected that such power must have its limits, to which Louis replied, “If I commanded you to throw yourself into the sea, you would be the first to obey me.” The count, instead of replying, turned his back and walked toward the door. Astonished, Louis asked him where he was going. “To learn to swim, sire,” replied de Guiche.
5 The insatiable ambition of one of his courtiers was well known to the king. “Do you know Spanish?” Louis asked.
“No, sire.”
“What a pity.”
The courtier at once concluded that Louis had an ambassadorship in mind for him. He devoted himself strenuously to learning the language, and then presented himself before the monarch, stating that he was now master of it.
“Do you know it so well that you can actually converse with Spaniards?”
“Yes, sire.”
“I congratulate you. Now you can read Don Quixote in the original.”
6 When hunting, Louis XIV never wore gloves, even in the coldest weather. Two peasants watched him ride by; one voiced his surprise that the king took no precautions against the cold. The other replied, “Why should he? He always has his hands in our pockets.”
7 Louis was very fond of billiards. On one occasion a dispute arose over a shot, and Louis asked the Comte de Gramont, who was sitting nearby, to adjudicate. “Sire, you are in the wrong,” said Gramont immediately, without budging from his seat. “Why, sir, you didn’t even see the shot!” exclaimed the king. “No, sire,” replied Gramont, “but if there had been the slightest doubt about the shot, the gentlemen who did see it would have all cried out that you were in the right.”
8 The English ambassador Lord Stair was described to Louis as being one of the best-bred men in Europe. Louis decided to put this to the test. The next time Lord Stair was in attendance as Louis was about to set out in his coach, the king gestured for the ambassador to go ahead of him into the conveyance. Lord Stair bowed and climbed in, as bidden. “It is true what they say of Lord Stair,” observed Louis afterward. “Another man would have troubled me with ceremonious objections.”
9 News of the French army’s crushing defeat at Blenheim was brought to Louis. “How could God do this to me,” he exclaimed, “after all I have done for him?”
10 As Louis lay dying in great pain, with his left leg gangrenous, he noticed that the two attendants at the foot of his bed were weeping. “Why are you weeping?” he said. “Did you imagine that I was immortal?”
LOUIS XV (1710–74), king of France (1715–74).
1 Mme d’Esparbés, one of Louis’s many mistresses, did not confine her favors to the royal couch. “You have slept with all my subjects,” protested Louis one day. Mme d’Esparbés denied this.
“You have slept with the Duc de Choiseul?”
“Yes, sire, but he is so powerful.”
“The Maréchal de Richelieu?”
“But he is so witty!”
“Mainville?”
“But he has such beautiful legs!”
“Very well, but how about the Duc d’Aumont, who has none of these attractions?”
“Ah, sire, he is so devoted to Your Majesty!”
2 The Comte de Charolais, the king’s cousin, was a notorious eccentric. One of his oddities was to order his coachman to run over any monks they might encounter on the road. He went too far, however, when, for the pleasure of seeing him fall, he shot a man who was putting tiles on a roof. Louis pardoned him but said, “Let it be understood: I will similarly pardon anyone who shoots you.”
3 Louis was playing cards with members of his entourage when a certain M. de Chauvelin was stricken by a fit of apoplexy, of which he died. “M. de Chauvelin is ill,” exclaimed a courtier, seeing him fall. Louis turned and surveyed the fallen body coldly. “Ill?” he said. “He is dead. Take him away. Spades are trumps, gentlemen.”
4 Marie Antoinette was on her way from Austria to marry Louis XV’s grandson, the future Louis XVI. The elderly roué greatly looked forward to seeing the fifteen-year-old dauphine-to-be. A courtier who had been in the party sent from France to meet Marie Antoinette at the French border galloped back ahead of the bridal party to report to his master. “What do you think of her?” was Louis’s first question. “Has she any bosom?”
5 During his last illness Louis’s doctor was called in to try to save his patient. During the course of his efforts he used the word “must.” The king was shocked at this expression, which was never used around the monarch. With his last breath he murmured, “Must! Must!”
LOUIS XVI (1754–93), king of France (1774–93).
1 On his wedding day the gluttonous Louis ate a prodigious quantity of food. His grandfather, Louis XV, thinking of the pleasures of the wedding night, warned him against filling his stomach too much, to which the sixteen-year-old Louis replied, “Why not? I sleep so much better that way.”
2 The Maréchal de Richelieu suggested that Louis take a certain lady as his mistress. “No,” said the king, “she would be too expensive to dismiss.”
3 On July 14, 1789, a Paris mob stormed and captured th
e Bastille, the old royal prison in Paris. That day Louis XVI, who had been out hunting, returned to Versailles and entered a note in his diary: “July 14: Nothing.” Then the Duc de la Rochefoucauld-Liancourt hurried in from Paris to tell the king of the successful attack. “Why, this is a revolt!” said the monarch. “No, Sire,” replied the duke. “It is a revolution.”
4 When the arrangements were being made in December 1792 for the trial of Louis XVI before the Revolutionary Convention, the distinguished lawyer Chrétien de Malesherbes came out of retirement to offer his services to his king. Louis accepted sadly and reluctantly. “Your sacrifice is the greater,” he said, “for you are jeopardizing your own life while you cannot possibly save mine.”
LOUIS XVIII (1755–1824), king of France (1814–24).
1 At his restoration “fat Louis” was fully and sympathetically aware of his subjects’ need to let bygones be bygones. The elderly M. de Barentin was stumblingly explaining to Louis how it was that he had not — strictly speaking — in actual fact — sworn an oath of allegiance to Napoleon Bonaparte. “I quite understand,” Louis broke in. “At our age one only does things by halves. You didn’t swear an oath to Bonaparte, you swore an oathlet.”
Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes Page 63