by M. Robinson
“Ugh!” I let out, throwing up some more. I spit, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand as I flushed the toilet.
I sat there for a few minutes, resisting the urge to do it again. Rubbing my stomach, breathing through the nausea, the emotions, the feelings, the tsunami my life had turned into. I stood, going to the sink. Splashing water in my mouth, spitting it back out. Looking at myself in the mirror.
“What did you do, Lexi? What did you fucking do?”
I went to the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water. Trying not to throw up again. As much as I didn’t want to see the broadcast, my eyes were glued to the screen. Briggs appeared on camera, breaking down, Austin holding her up. Mourning the loss of the man who raised her. The only family she thought she had left. Followed by the good ol’ boys and their wives, walking right behind them. I found myself wondering if they told their little girl, Amari, her “unkey” would no longer be there to hold her, play with her or Skype ever again. The tears started to fall.
My half-sister…
And she would never even know it.
“I’m so sorry, Briggs,” I wept, shutting off the television. Knowing I would never be able to shake off the image of her falling apart.
I turned on the shower, setting it on the hottest temperature possible, stepping inside, welcoming the heat. Letting the hot water burn my skin, hoping it would wash away my sins. I didn’t know anything anymore. I was a black hole of nothing. All I could feel were his strong, callused fingers all over my flesh, his body on top of mine, his reassuring words. The lock he placed on my heart, I knew would never go away. No matter how much I tried, how much I wanted it to. He would always be a part of me.
My mind ran wild. I couldn’t get it to stop, image after image from the day in his office, played out in front of me. I pressed my hands against the shower wall, leaning my forehead on the cool rustic tile. Closing my eyes, still hearing his cruel words.
“This is your chance to get rid of me. To avenge your mother’s death. Do it! Pull the fucking trigger, do it!” His words were on repeat as much as the images. Scene after scene, the sound of the gun blasting, and everything that happened after.
“I killed him, Lexi. No one else, but me.”
“It was always your mother, Lexi. She was my cariño.”
“I killed my own father.”
I got down on my knees in the shower, instantly placing my hands over my ears, tuning out his voice, shutting out my own. I shook my head back and forth. Sobbing, pleading with God, with him, with myself to please forgive me. I never meant to hurt anybody. Needing to find some peace, some silence. The guilt was too much.
How could I go on like this?
I stayed in the shower until the water ran cold over my body, crying until I had no more tears left. I got out throwing on a cami and some panties, wrapping my hair in a towel. I grabbed the picture I left on the living room floor. It was the only thing I had left of him.
Of us.
I spent the rest of day in bed, mourning the loss of the man I killed. Crying myself to sleep. Exhausted. Alone.
“The things I regret haven’t happened yet. If something ever does happen to me, just remember I’ll always be with you. No matter what. In here.” My hand subconsciously laid over my heart.
Feeling him.
My eyes shot open. Gasping for air. Darkness all around me, the only light was cascading off the full moon from my window. His presence, his scent, his hold was all around me. I took a few deep breaths, settling back into my sheets. Shutting my eyes again, letting sleep take over once more. Slipping right back into the same dreams.
I stirred, hearing a familiar, faint voice in my sleep.
“You’re so fucking beautiful.” Serene, green, tantalizing eyes staring back at me in my dream. He was so close. So real.
“Hmmm…” I rolled over to the other side of my bed. “I’m so sorry,” I found myself saying in my sleep.
“I got what I deserved, cariño. You did what I wanted you to do all along.”
“I’m so alone…” I hazily spoke.
“No you’re not. You have me… open your eyes, Lexi.”
“You’re not real… I killed you. Please…”
“Open your eyes, baby. I’m here.”
I steadied my breathing, my mind willing me to open my eyes, to wake-up. Feeling with every ounce of my being that when I did.
I would actually find him sitting there.
Watching over me.
My dark angel.
Her lips were swollen, her face puffy, her eyes bloodshot red from spending countless minutes, hours, days, crying. Mourning the loss of a man who didn’t deserve her tears.
Me.
She still took my goddamn breath away. I’d been sitting here in the armchair by her bed for hours, watching her sleep. Even in her dreams she couldn’t run from me. Whimpering my name, apologizing for a crime she didn’t commit. As much as I didn’t want to wake her, I couldn’t bear to see her feeling any more turmoil, any more pain, especially on my behalf. Again. Her eyes widened seeing me for the first time.
Breathing.
Alive.
She flew up on the bed, away from me. The square picture she was holding in her sleep, floated to the floor between the bed and nightstand. Her mouth opened wide, gasping for air, her hand over her heart. Looking at me like she was staring at a fucking ghost.
“What the fuck, Martinez!?” she screamed, her back slamming against the headboard. Hitting it with a thud. She winced.
“Shhh… Stop screaming.” I reached for her, but she backed further away from me. Putting my hands out in front of me in a surrendering gesture, I sat back on the chair. “You know I’m all for you screaming my name, but now is not the time or the place. Your shitty fucking apartment has some thin ass fucking walls.”
“Your funeral was today… I saw it… on the TV… Briggs was crying… Austin… holding her… I shot you… blood… lots of it… everywhere… you… died… I… killed… you…” she stuttered, not moving an inch from her place against the headboard.
“You saw what I wanted you to see.”
“What the fuck kind of an answer is that?!” she shouted. I could tell she wanted to flip the fuck out, but was trying to remain untroubled.
“The only one I have. Now stop fucking screaming and sit your ass back down on the bed. As much as I love staring at your tits. We need to talk.”
She swallowed hard, slowly sliding down the headboard. Pulling her legs to her chest, hugging them close to her body in a comforting gesture. Covering her breasts that were on full display through her tight, white shirt. She cocked her head to the side, narrowing her eyes at me. Trying to figure out if I was really sitting in front of her, or if I was another illusion in her mind. She looked from me to the floor, silently telling me she was going to get off the bed. Slowly, she placed one foot on the ground then the next. Gradually stepping toward me, she reached out once she was close enough, wanting to make sure I was real. She gently touched my shoulder, her eyes wide and brazen, moving her hand along to my chest.
“But I shot you,” she coaxed.
As much as I wanted to grab her hand, I didn’t want to frighten her. I needed to move at her speed. “Here,” I stated, placing my hand over the wound. “You barely missed my heart.”
She recoiled away from me, trying to remain calm, collecting her thoughts. “How is this possible? How are you here? What is going on?”
“Let me—”
“No more lying, Alejandro.”
I nodded for her to sit down. She did, resuming her position against the headboard.
I leaned forward, setting my elbows on my knees, placing my hands out in front of me in a prayer gesture. Looking deep into her eyes, I murmured, “I’m sorry, Lexi. I’m so fucking sorry.”
She frowned, taking in the sincerity of my voice. I’d never apologized to her for anything I put her through in the years we were together and apart. Not once telling her I was sorry for
ripping out her heart, time and time again. I regretted it every day of my fucked-up existence. I wanted to tell her. I just wasn’t made that way. She knew how hard it was for me to show weakness. To anyone. Especially her. She had the power to bring me to my knees, and she never even realized it. There was still so much she needed to know. So much I needed to explain with little time to do it.
“I gave Michael, your father, four years to come clean. Four fucking years he was given to tell Amari the truth. She deserved to know how much of a piece of shit he truly was. He never loved her. I knew that since day one. Amari was blind, but love does that to you. She got pregnant with Briggs to fucking trap him, that is how desperate she was to keep him around. That is how much she loved the motherfucker. I loved my sister more than anything in this world, Lexi. There’s not a day that has gone by that I haven’t thought of her. Every day I find a way to beat myself up for taking her life. I see her, I feel her every goddamn second, judging me with so much disappointment in her eyes. Amari was my light, much like you are. I never had any intentions of hurting her. And if I could switch places with her, I wouldn’t think twice about it. Amari got caught in the crossfire. Esteban—”
“Esteban? Briggs’ bodyguard?”
“Yes, he fucked up, and it cost my sister her life. Michael was supposed to be alone. But Amari’s car broke down on the side of the road, and Michael had to go rescue her and Briggs…” I closed my eyes, leaning my head into my hands. The memory of that day played out in front of me. Making me relive it again as if no time had passed. Hearing her voice on the message she left me the day she died, every goddamn day since. If I would have just answered her call, I would have been able to stop it all. She would still be alive. I wouldn’t have ruined Briggs’ life.
“It was pouring out. Esteban didn’t see Amari and Briggs were in the car with Michael. He did what I ordered him to do. So, instead of breaking his fucking neck, I assigned him to Briggs. Making him see the broken little girl every day. Payback for taking away her family. His fuck up. It was also my way of pushing her away. I couldn’t handle seeing her break down, scared, and alone. I never let Briggs get close to me. I never held her while she cried. I never told her I loved her, too consumed by the shame and guilt from taking her mom away. It has been one of the biggest regrets of my entire life. I love Briggs more than anything. It’s too fucking late for me to show her, the damage has been done. I’ve tried to make it up to her though by being the uncle I always wanted to be, with her children, Amari and Michael.”
I had never shared that with anyone. No one knew the truth. I pulled my hair back away from my face. Peering up at her with glossy eyes. Not caring if she saw my raw pain, my devastation unfolding out in front of her. It was time she knew the real truth buried beneath the lies.
“I needed to get out of my penthouse. Hearing Briggs fall apart every night, knowing I was the cause of her misery, was eating me fucking alive. I would have put a bullet in my head if it weren’t for her. I can’t tell you how many times I stared at the loaded gun in front of me. Fighting a battle with myself not to pick it up, aim it at my head, and end it all. But I couldn’t, I stayed alive for Briggs. I couldn’t be selfish. My sister had made me promise to raise her if anything ever happened to her. Briggs needed me. I was the only family she had left. My punishment was to keep fucking breathing. I ended up in Rhode Island, watching you get off your school bus. You were already such a cute fucking kid. I knew Sophia was in bad shape, I knew it was only a matter of time until…” I shook the thought out of my head. “You had your arms at your sides, practicing your ballet steps. Humming a melody all the way home. Walking by yourself in a shitty fucking neighborhood like you were a grown-up. No one to watch out for you, but fuck… Lexi, that didn’t stop you from fucking smiling. And it lit up your entire face.”
Her eyes watered as she took in every last word that came out of my mouth.
“I couldn’t help but be drawn to you. I followed you home, and you didn’t even realize it, which made me hate your fucking mother a little more. Anyone could have followed you home. You walked into your house, screaming for your momma. I went to the side of the house and watched from the window. You found her bawling in the closet, sobbing for the lives of Michael and Amari that I took.”
Tears slid down her face, knowing exactly the moment I was referring to. All I wanted to do was reach forward and wipe away all her tears.
“From that day forward, cariño. I had you watched. Not your mother, not Sophia. You. Only you.”
“Why?” she whispered so low I could barely hear her.
I ignored her question. “I paid for Sophia’s funeral. Feeling responsible for her death. I made it look like the money came from some trust fund of her grandparents. Your piece of shit stepdad didn’t even question it. In fact, the motherfucker got a hold of some of the money I left for you, and drowned himself in whiskey. I never thought he was capable of hurting you. I’m so sorry, Lexi,” I said, clearing my throat. Trying to keep it from breaking. “I tried to get to him as fast as I could. I didn’t know he was touching you, hurting you until it was too late. But I made him pay. I fucking promise you, I made that son of a bitch pay for every time he went into your room.”
She gasped, “You?”
“I waited until I knew you’d be gone for the day. You had your big dance recital. I paid your stepdad a little visit with my men. I made him write you a half-ass apology. Then I had one of my men show him what it felt like to be on the receiving end of what he’d been doing to you for years. He didn’t last five fucking minutes before he passed out from the pain. I killed two birds with one stone that night. Briggs thought she was responsible for her parents’ death. It was her fifteenth birthday, so I gave her peace of mind and I set you free. Killing the man who’d been fucking hurting you.”
“Oh my God…” she wept, her lips trembling.
“I was the anonymous caller to your school. But I made sure you were placed in a decent foster home. They weren’t ideal, but they were sure as shit better than what you were living with. It’s why you were placed with a family so fucking fast.”
Her trembling hand went up to her mouth. The truth almost too much for her to bear.
“I never expected you to show up at my strip club when you were fifteen. But fate has a funny way of fucking with you, when you least expect it. I knew who you were the second you got out of the car. I’ve always known who you were, Lexi. When you showed up three years later, no longer a little girl, but a fucking beautiful woman, standing in front of me. I couldn’t fucking help myself. I slipped that day and called you, cariño. I had never called anyone that, except Sophia. So, you obviously know now why I kicked you the fuck out of my office. Even though I highly enjoyed the little show you put on, there was no way in hell I’d let you strip for money. It’s the reason no one in the city would hire you. Lexi, I made sure of it. I just never thought you’d come to me of all people for help.”
“You? It was you?”
“After I knew you got the acceptance letter to Julliard, I was going to deposit the money into your account, but you beat me to it by barging into my office uninvited. I knew ballet was all you ever had. Your happiness. I wanted you to have something to hold onto. The realtor that showed you your apartment worked for me, which is how you ended up in my building. It made it easier for my men to keep watch on you.”
“So that’s how you saved me from Nikolai. Did you ever take care of his men? The ones who were looking for me?”
I scoffed. “There was never anyone looking for you, cariño.”
She jerked back, confused. “But you said—”
“I know what I said. It was all a lie.”
“Why? I don’t understand? Why did you do any of this?”
“For the same reason I pushed you away, made you hate me, treated you like shit. Kept you at arm’s length, never letting you see the man you knew still lived inside of me… the man that protected you, watched over you, made sure you
were fucking safe. The reason I went looking for you after you left for Europe… Watching you dance on stage, realizing I needed to let you go… The same fucking reason I went back for you, brought you home with me, took care of you, made you see what I wanted you to see…” I paused, letting my words sink in. “It’s been the same reason since the first moment I laid eyes on you. I’m fucking in love with you. Te amo, I love you, Lexi. With everything left inside of me, I fucking love you. I’m yours. I’ve been yours since I can remember.”
Fresh tears rolled down her face, it was the first time I ever said those three words to her. Even though I’d been dying to say them since the second she barged into my office, when she was eighteen years old.
“Do you love me because I’m Sophia’s daughter? Because I remind you of her? Because you couldn’t have her, so you settled for me? Am I the rebound girl, second best, right? Is that why you love me?” she bellowed, her voice breaking.
“No,” I simply stated. “I love you in spite of that.”
She jolted back, surprised by my revelation. Her icy façade was dissolving layer by layer. I was getting through to her. For once, the truth may save me.
“But trust me, cariño. You couldn’t be more different than Sophia if you tried. You look nothing like her. Sophia was weak, scared about everything, never fought for anything in her life. Including me. Always waiting for someone to rescue her, take care of her. She wasn’t the woman for me. I thought I loved her, I thought she was the one. I couldn’t have been more wrong about that. I spent years mourning the loss of a woman who never belonged with me.”
Her eyes showed so many different emotions, it was almost hard to keep up.
“You’re strong, you’re resilient, you fight for everything you believe in, especially me. It didn’t matter how many times I tried to push you away, knowing everything about us was wrong. You wouldn’t have it. You were never scared of me, Lexi. As much as I tried to show you my Hell, you were more than willing to burn right along with me. I’ve never met anyone like you before. You’ve gone through so much and have never let it define who you were. That’s one of the things I love the most about you. You were made for me, cariño. And I swear to you on my niece’s life, that I’ve never looked at you and thought you were Sophia. I’ve never wanted to call out her name. It’s always been just you, Lexi.”