I was mowed over from behind. It felt like a bus plowed into me. I went down, but was that enough for my moosey friend? Of course not. I felt a pair of hooves slam into my back. The air was forced from my lungs and I was pretty sure I could feel some of my favorite body parts cracking. Then the fucker did it again. It was stomping the shit out of me.
I curled up into a fetal ball as it continued trying to turn me into a puddle of vampire mush. Talk about embarrassing. In the past few months, I had come out on top against two master vampires and a trio of vamp assassins. Hell, I had even managed to survive Gan. Yet there I was, getting my ass handed to me by an animal with less brains than my nut sack. What a way to go.
I was starting to get a bit woozy from the continued attack. I heard my roommates’ voices yelling for me. Hey, there was hope. Ed had his shotgun with him, maybe he could use it to ... oh, hell, by that point, I’d have been happy if he had used it to end my misery.
I was just thinking how embarrassing the epitaph on my tombstone was going to be, when there came another loud cracking noise and suddenly the assault stopped. A scant second later, there was a heavy thud on the ground next to me.
“Bill!” came Tom’s worried voice. “Are you okay?”
“No,” I replied, still face down on the hard ground.
A strong hand grabbed me by the arm and hauled me to my feet. I got up, surprised to find I could still stand. Thank goodness for vampire healing. It was already starting to patch up the worst of my beating.
I turned to find Sally standing next to me, the look on her face conveying slightly less than worshipful awe.
“That was badass,” said Ed, walking up to us.
“Thanks,” I replied. “It’s not every day one survives a...”
“Not you,” he corrected. “Her.”
“Huh?”
“While you were getting stomped, she ran past us, jumped on its back, and snapped its neck like a twig.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, dude,” Tom confirmed. “It was pretty fucking awesome.”
“I’d say that sums me up nicely,” she replied with a smirk.
I tried to play it cool, not an easy thing to do when you’re covered in hoof prints. “I’m sure I’d have eventually...” I stopped as she raised an eyebrow at me. “Okay, fine. Thank you for saving my ass ... again.”
She smiled, which would have been tolerable except that wasn’t the end of it from her. “It’s turning into a regular habit, isn’t it?” she asked, still grinning. “Although I have to admit, Bill, saving you from elder vampires is one thing, but an oversized cow? That’s just embarrassing.”
“It’s a little more than an oversized...”
“It would be a damn shame if the folks waiting for us were to learn of this incident. The fabled Freewill, laid low by Bullwinkle.”
I let out a sigh. This wasn’t the first time I’d been blackmailed by Sally and probably wouldn’t be the last. Sensing where this was going, I held up a hand. “Alfonzo can stay.”
Her grin widened. “Great! You know, you really should let him give you a pedicure.”
“Let’s not push it.”
“Your loss,” she said dismissively, and then to Tom and Ed added, “Okay, meatsacks, show’s over. Get that car refueled before I do the same thing to both of you.”
My roommates both gave her a mock salute, then turned back to the car. After a few steps, Ed whispered to Tom, “She is so fucking hot.”
My vampire ears easily picked it up, so I had no doubt Sally’s had, too. The smug look on her face as we walked back confirmed it.
Along the way, I casually asked, “Have you ever tried moose blood?”
“Don’t make me smack you.”
Are We There Yet?
The last hundred miles took far longer than I would’ve liked. Thank God for four-wheel drive. Had the weather been any worse, I don’t doubt we’d have had to find a village or traveling hockey team and trade in our wheels for a couple of dog teams.
At long last, though, we were driving through dense, dark woods, following a trail just barely wide enough for our vehicle, when the portable GPS finally told us we were close. It was about time. We had maybe one more tank of gas left in the trailer and our supplies were beginning to run low. I had been starting to wonder whether we should have drained that moose just in case. Another couple of days and I would’ve probably needed to start keeping an eye on Sally around my roommates. On the upside, Tom’s constant zombie moaning and groaning had lessened considerably (albeit not entirely). So there was that. What can I say? I’m a “glass is half full” kind of guy.
Having arrived at the coordinates we’d been given, we all kept lookout through the windows for ... something.
“Jeez,” I complained, “this is only a conference to decide the fate of the world. You’d think they’d at least have signs telling us where to park. Are you sure we’re in the right spot?”
Ed turned and gave me his best withering glance. “We’re in the middle of fucking nowhere. How the hell am I supposed to know if it’s the right middle of fucking nowhere?”
“Don’t get testy...” I started to say in a condescending voice, but immediately had to change my tone. “HOLY SHIT! STOP!”
He turned back to the trail and immediately hit the brakes. The car skidded to a halt just inches from the thing in front of us. It had appeared from out of nowhere.
“Is that what I think it is?” Tom asked excitedly.
From my vantage point in the backseat, I could only see the front of the car and a pair of hairy, heavily muscled legs standing in front of it.
“Well...” The question was answered as the owner of said legs bent down and peered into the windshield. The face that looked in at us pulled back its lips in a snarl. It was one hell of an ugly motherfucker. Take the creature from Harry and the Hendersons and then beat it with the ugly stick for an hour or two and you might be in the ballpark.
Sally, Ed, and I just stared at the gruesome visage in front of us. Tom, ignoring the basic tenets of sanity, lifted his cell phone and immediately started snapping pictures. The creature noticed him and looked none too happy about it.
I reached forward and smacked him upside the head. “What the fuck are you doing?”
“What?” he complained. “We just proved Bigfoot is real. These babies are going up on Facebook.”
“Are you absolutely sure I can’t kill him?” Sally asked.
I glared at her out of the corner of my eye. “Let me get back to you on that.”
“Get out.”
“Huh?” I asked. “What, Ed?”
“That wasn’t me.”
“Then who...”
“GET OUT ... NOW!”
“Did that thing just talk?” Tom asked, echoing what the rest of us were thinking.
I turned to Sally. “They can speak?”
“How would I know?” she snapped back. “Do I look like Jane Goodall?”
“Weren’t you supposed to ask Boston about these things?”
“How the hell would I even know to ask? The only apes I’ve ever seen are in the Bronx Zoo. Last time I was there, they didn’t talk back.”
“NOW!” the ugly face before us demanded again. This time, it brought one cantaloupe sized fist down onto the hood of the car. The entire vehicle shook from the impact.
I looked each of my companions in the eye. “I think he wants us to get out.” Never let it be said I didn’t have a grasp of the obvious.
♦ ♦ ♦
“Uh, Ed, what do you think you’re doing?”
“Not being stupid,” he replied, stepping out of the car, shotgun in hand.
“Your funeral,” I commented, likewise getting out.
Once we were all standing again, we got a true sense of scale for the creature looming before us. At over eight feet in height, it dwarfed my roommates and me. Sally was just barely over five-feet in heels, so I could only imagine that she felt like a Munchkin, assuming they h
ad strip clubs in Oz.
The thing – Sasquatch, I guess – looked us all over. Upon seeing the gun in Ed’s hands, it threw back its head and let loose what I think was a laugh. It was hard to say. Imagine trying to chortle while gargling gravel and you’d get an idea of what it sounded like.
While it did that, I felt Sally give my shoulder a nudge. “What?” I asked.
“Introduce us.”
“Why me?”
“Because you’re the star and we’re just your entourage.”
Some days I really hated being the vampire chosen one. Okay, if I was going to do this, I might as well try and act tough. Sure, the thing in front of me looked like the Hulk wearing a fur coat, but if so, I was Captain Marvel ... yeah right! Even the most deluded sections of my subconscious weren’t buying that one.
I took a deep breath, immediately regretting it. Now that we were out in the air, the smell of this thing hit me like a baseball bat. I doubted there was enough Febreze in the world to fix this guy’s odor. How the fuck was I supposed to function with this stench assaulting my nostrils?
No. That was a defeatist attitude. I could handle this. I was a gamer, dammit. Ogres were bigger and nastier than this pile of shit and I had faced down dozens of them over the years. Sure, it was only on paper and with a twenty-sider, but same general principle ... right?
I stepped past my friends and looked up into the face of the brute. I smiled, fangs extended for a little bit of extra menace. “I am Bill, Freewill of the vampire nation. I believe you’ve been expecting me.” Hmm, maybe I should have gone with Dr. Death instead ... way more badass sounding.
The creature stopped laughing and looked down upon me. I had a distinct feeling that the next words to come out of its mouth would be, “BIGFOOT SMASH!” followed by a pummeling that would make me look back longingly at my encounter with the moose.
For some reason, this thought struck me as funny. I don’t know why. A painful demise wasn’t something I normally considered to be chuckle-worthy. Either the surrealness of the whole situation was getting to me or I was losing my mind. Regardless, I felt the corners of my mouth curling up into a smirk.
Oh, well, in for a penny, I thought. I locked eyes with the creature – which I seemed to recall learning from National Geographic wasn’t a particularly smart thing to do with gorillas – and continued speaking. “These are my companions. We’re here to meet with your leaders.”
“And why should Grulg take you?”
Grulg? What the hell’s a grulg? Oh, fuck this! While I tried to avoid getting beaten to a pulp as much as possible, I was also of the mindset that if I had an ass-kicking coming, then I might as well deserve it. “Listen, Kong, I don’t have time for your shit. I have business to discuss with your betters.” At that, I heard multiple gasps of breath from behind me. Gotta love everyone’s confidence in my abilities. Of course, how would I even know that this guy wasn’t the one in charge? Oh, boy.
There was a tense moment of silence, during which I saw Ed raise his gun. Maybe we’d all get lucky and he’d just blow my head off rather than let me stick my foot any further into my mouth. Finally, though, the smelly-ass Sasquatch in front of me simply nodded his head.
“You follow Grulg.”
“Uh...”
“Oh, Jesus Christ,” Sally spat. “He’s Grulg, you fucking idiot.”
“Your concubine speaks with much fire,” Grulg said in a tone that sort of sounded bemused, although maybe it was just me.
“Concu...”
“Yes, Grulg,” I interrupted before Sally’s temper could undo what I had gotten lucky with. “That’s how I like her ... sassy.”
If Sally could have killed me with her mind, I’m sure she would have. However, Grulg merely gave what I took to be a shrug. “Follow.”
“What about our stuff, Grulg?”
“Leave here. We bring Freewill’s belongings later.”
I exchanged glances with the members of my party that didn’t want to kill me.
“Valet parking, Bigfoot style,” Tom commented.
That made about as much sense as anything at the moment, so I turned back to Grulg and said, “Lead the way.”
♦ ♦ ♦
Had I known I was signing up for a wilderness trek, I would’ve invested in a pair of hiking boots. Grulg led us onward for what felt like at least a mile. I think we followed a mostly straight path, but the truth was, I had absolutely no idea. He could’ve been walking us in circles for all I knew.
Finally, he stopped next to a tree. It was large and old, and pretty much looked like every other tree we had passed, with the exception that it was covered in an intricate series of scratches about seven feet above the ground.
Before I could question what he was doing, Grulg lifted his head and let out a piercing howl. I have to admit, it was kind of freaky. I had seen enough movies to wonder if he was now giving the signal for an ambush. Any second now, a bunch of his hairy buddies would come rushing out to tear us apart ... not that Grulg looked like he needed the help.
No attack came, though. A few moments passed and then answering howls rang out in the night, but they sounded far away.
Once silence had again descended, I let my curiosity get the better of me. “Grulg, what was that for?”
“Respect.”
“For?”
“For the dead. We enter Woods of Mourning now.”
I heard a quiet titter behind me. “Excuse me for a moment, Grulg.” I turned around. Unsurprisingly, Tom was standing there, a guilty look on his face. “Read my lips, shut ... the ... fuck ... up,” I said as softly as I could and still be heard.
He continued grinning, but made a lip zipping motion. I sighed and turned back to our hairy escort. “Sorry, please go on.”
Grulg gave me what looked to be a dubious glance. “Many ancestors buried here. Mighty warriors. Their spirits rejoin the land. They all around us, listening.”
“Mighty warriors?”
“Yes. Many laid low by the T’lunta,” he spat that last word. I had a sneaking suspicion what he meant by it, but I asked anyway. “Undead,” he answered with a snarl before once more turning to lead the way.
Oh, yeah, this was gonna go well.
As Primitive as Can Be
Gradually we began to see signs of life again. It started slowly – a shadow here and there, usually off in the distance. However, soon we started seeing more of Grulg’s kind. Some paid us no heed. Others bared their teeth at us as we passed. Yeah, there was definitely no love lost with these guys. It was a pretty safe bet that the Twilight movies weren’t a favorite at whatever passed for the local cinema.
Finally, we came to what I guess would be considered a village of sorts. I could see a series of huts spread out amongst the trees. Though crude, they were obviously built for the size of the normal inhabitants. They looked practically cavernous compared to my freshman dorm room. Unfortunately, they looked about as neat, too. They were mainly covered in leaves and moss, held together by what I really hoped was mud. In short, they were shit-holes. Guess I should’ve expected that we wouldn’t exactly be staying at a Marriott.
The Mourning Woods (The Tome of Bill Book 3) Page 12