“Their names are Marco and Isaac?”
She nodded. “Marco is the oldest, and he’s named after Zane’s best friend, who died in combat. Isaac is the younger one, and he’s named after a friend of mine who died when I was a teenager.”
“So Zane really was a Navy SEAL? Like he did secret combat shit?”
She laughed. “Yeah. He’s worked really hard to leave that part of himself in the past, these last few years. Having Marco and Isaac has helped him relax and soften a bit, but…yeah.” She sighed. “He still wakes up with bad dreams sometimes. Usually about the day Marco was killed.”
I shuddered. “I cannot even imagine.”
“Be glad you can’t,” she murmured.
“You too, huh?”
She shrugged. “I saw my share of gnarly shit, but my job was to fix people. His…not so much.” She smiled at me, because while we’d been talking Lena had gotten drowsy and had fallen asleep, her head pillowed on my arm. Even asleep, she was slobbering on me. But god, she was cute as hell. “She likes you.”
I laughed. “She fell asleep on me. Not sure that counts as liking me.”
“You don’t know babies. Lena hates sleeping. She’ll fight falling asleep tooth and claw. So her falling asleep on you is actually a pretty clear sign she feels good with you.”
I felt uncomfortable with that. “Well, that’s makes one of us comfortable with me,” I said.
But the joke fell flat. Mara just gazed steadily at me. “I’m not that much older than you, so don’t take this the wrong way, but…you remind me a lot of myself before Zane.”
I sighed. “Is that right?”
“Closed off, scared shitless of my own emotions. Die-hard hookup artist, zero plans to let anyone in.”
I wanted to retort, but couldn’t think of anything that didn’t sound petulant and defensive. “And then you fell in love with Zane and now you’re a brand-new woman?” Well, shit. So much for not sounding petulant or defensive.
She laughed, though, not insulted at all. “Yeah, in some ways. Mainly because I found something I wanted and I was willing to let go of whatever was standing in the way.”
“Zane’s tender yet manly love?”
She snorted. “Hell no! Regular access to the best dick I’ve ever gotten!” She laughed. “And no, that’s not entirely a joke. I stayed for the sex, and the falling in love was just a terrifying and life-changing side effect.”
I laughed. “Terrifying and life-changing side effect. Sounds about right.”
“I fought it hard, Lexie. Hard as I possibly could, as long as I could.”
“But eventually the love was just too strong to resist?”
She snorted again. “Wrong again. He knocked me up, and that just…broke my resistance to him.” She narrowed her eyes at me. “Real life isn’t a Hallmark movie. It’s messy. Hard. You’re faced with scary choices. Mine was to have the baby alone, or to risk being with a man I barely knew, who scared me shitless. Not having the baby wasn’t a choice for me. Nor for him.”
I blinked, swallowed. “So it worked out for you.”
Mara nodded. “Yeah, it did. But it was a hell of a risk. I put my heart on the line, all the way. My whole life. Moved here, to be with a man I’d known a few months at most. Got absorbed into his family, which as an only child of an absent father and a mother I basically walked away from when I joined the Army, was a lot to deal with.”
“And has it been worth it? Worth the risk?”
Her answer was immediate and definitive. “Absolutely.”
Something to think about, at least.
The last day in Ketchikan I was alone with Mom, Cassie, and Charlie for most of the day—on Myles’s insistence; he got Ram, Lucas, Brock, Ink, and Zane to take him into the deep brush for some boy time in the woods with things that went boom. Most of the day was easygoing—spent getting mani-pedis, lunch, browsing the touristy shops, and light chitchat. It was later in the day, back at Mom’s condo with big glasses of wine, that the conversation took an expected turn.
“So, Lex.” Mom was sitting on her white leather love seat, knees curled under her thighs.
I sighed, took a fortifying sip. “Here we go,” I muttered. “So, Mom.”
“You and Myles are leaving tomorrow?”
I nodded. “He has a show in Tokyo next week. Not sure which day, but being the first show of this leg of the tour, the band needs a few days to practice.”
“And you’re going with them?”
I nodded. “Yeah. I’m actually pretty excited about it. I’ll get to see places all around the world. I think it will be fun.”
Mom seemed to be carefully considering her words. “But you and Myles aren’t…” She hesitated. “A thing.”
I paused for a moment and looked at her directly. “I mean, sort of. I don’t know what we are––there are no labels for it.”
“You lived with him in Dallas for two months, after several weeks on the road with him. You brought him here, to meet us. And now you’re going on a world tour with him.”
I shifted uncomfortably. “Yeah. So?”
“That’s a thing, sweetheart.”
“I know it’s a thing. It’s just it’s kinda new and I’m not sure what the next weeks will bring.”
“Seems like you really care about him, and it’s totally obvious he cares about you.”
I took another long sip of wine. “What’s your point, Mom?”
Charlie held me with a level gaze. “Her point is either shit or get off the pot.”
“Screw you, Charlie. Just because it was easy for you doesn’t mean it is for me.”
“It wasn’t easy, Lex, it still isn’t. Worth it, but not easy. I’m not saying any relationship is easy, I’m saying you’re playing a game and it’s not fair to him or to yourself.”
I eyed Cassie. “And what’s your take on it all?”
She shrugged. “Myles is great. He likes you. Give him half a chance and I’d say he’ll fall in love with you faster than you can blink. And damn, but you could do a hell of a lot worse than Myles North, and not just because he’s rich and famous. He’s just a good, solid person. But none of us know what’s behind your real, deep down hang-ups, and what it’s doing to you. You’ve alluded to things in your past, but none of us know a damn thing them and, honestly, that makes us feel shitty––I know it does Mom––but we can’t make you talk about something you’re not ready to talk about. So you’re just sort of stuck, because you’ll never get anywhere in life or relationships until you woman up and deal with your shit.”
“I agree with what Charlie has just said, and I can only add that we are all here for you, no matter what, but must we curse, girls?” Mom said.
“Yes, Mom, we must,” I snapped.
She flinched. “No need to snap at me, Lexie, I’m not the bad guy.”
I sighed. “I’m sorry, Mom. It’s just that from the moment I got here; everyone was all up in my business. Literally, everyone, and that’s a lot of people to have up in my personal shit, none of whom I know from Adam. Then Mara wants to give me advice, and now this…intervention. I don’t want to talk about my drama, I’m not going to talk about my drama, and I would appreciate it if I could just be left alone to deal with it my own way.”
“The problem, Alexandra,” Mom said, her voice gentle but direct, “is that you’re not dealing with it.”
“Is that so terrible?” I asked.
“You have many, many people who care about you, who have wisdom to offer from life experiences which either mirror, or are very similar to yours, people who could help you. But you won’t let us. None of us. Not even me, your own mother. Is it so terrible? No. But when you push hard enough for long enough, eventually those who love you have no choice but to just leave you to your own devices.” She set her wine aside. “There’s just one problem with that, Alexandra. Myles will eventually give up—push him away long enough, and he’ll walk away. The Badds, the men and women of this clan, they’ll let you
stay aloof and won’t push or chase. It’s not their way. They offer everything they have and everything they are, take it as is or leave it, but if you say no thanks, they’ll let that be the answer, out of respect.” She leaned toward me. “I’m your mother. I cannot and will not let you push me away. I will not let you walk away from me. If you want me to give you space to figure things out, I’ll do that. If you want to just handle things on your own, I can do that too—it’s painfully difficult to watch your child hurt and struggle and not be able to help, but I’ll respect your wishes. What I won’t do is just leave you alone. I’ll be here, waiting, when you need me. As long as it takes. No matter what it means. I’m still your mommy, even when you’re an adult, Lex. So push all you want, but you won’t ever get me to just leave you alone.”
I swallowed hard. “I know, Mom. But some things I can’t just…dump on your lap, like here, fix it Mommy.”
“Yes, darling, you can.”
“You can’t fix this,” I whispered.
“Perhaps not fix, perhaps not erase. But help. Support. Advise. Barring anything else, I can just commiserate and love you through it.”
“And you know what else?” This was Charlie. “I think I know Myles enough to know that what Mom said goes for him, too. He’s all in for you. You just have to jump out of your little tower of isolation and solitude and safety and trust him to catch you.”
“I can’t,” I whispered, my voice rough and ragged. “I don’t know how.”
“It’s simple,” Cassie said. “You just jump. There may not be a happy landing, or there may be the best landing ever. You have no way of knowing what’s at the bottom, and that’s the scariest thing in the world. But when your walls are crumbling and life is flooding up all around you and you’ve got nowhere else to go, you’re left with no choice. Jump, or drown.” Her eyes were bright and direct, with characteristic Cassie frankness. “You’re drowning, Lex. Time to jump.”
This intervention was getting way too close and I was beginning to panic. “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I hissed, and shot to my feet, leaving my wine, my mother and sisters, and all but ran out of the room.
Outside. Into the cool of a Ketchikan summer night––a sliver of moon and a silver wash of stars above. I just walked and walked, who knew where. I walked for a long time, miles probably, got lost, turning this way and that, until I knew I was hopelessly lost, but too upset to care.
Finally, I stopped walking and took stock of my surroundings. Nothing. Darkness. No streetlights, stoplights, nothing. I could see a mountain or tall hill on one side, and water in the distance on the other. Close by were buildings disguised as low dark bulks. I could see cracked streets, a chain link fence and deserted parking lots.
And, suddenly, I was scared.
Especially when I heard footsteps in the distance, approaching rapidly. At a quick jog. I tried to hide in the shadows, but as the runner approached and became a huge, hulking form, he saw me and angled toward me.
“Lex?” A low rough growl.
“Y-yeah?”
The figure was wearing a sleeveless hoodie, shorts, and running shoes. Massive shoulders. Improbably tall. He tossed back his hood. “It’s Bast.”
I sighed in relief. “I kinda got turned around.”
He looked around and barked a low laugh. “I’d say. You turned yourself around into the ass end of nowhere.”
“How do I get back?”
He pulled wireless earbuds off his ears, turned them off, tucked them in a pocket, and headed back the way he’d come. Gestured for me to follow him. “This way.”
“You can just give me directions—I don’t want to interrupt your run.”
“Nah. Ketchikan is pretty safe, but no point taking chances.”
“Bast, for real. I can take care of myself.”
His only response was a bearlike growl, which seemed to indicate that the conversation was over. And, looking around, I decided having a big male escort wasn’t such a bad thing. We walked in silence for a long time. And eventually, I huffed.
“So? Where’s your advice?”
He chuckled. “We got some nosy folks in the crew, don’t we? Can’t leave well enough alone when they see somethin’ that needs fixin’. They mean well, but it can be overwhelming sometimes.”
“No kidding.”
“Ain’t my style. You talk, I’ll listen. You ask me my opinion, I’ll give it. But I’d just as soon walk in silence if you’re into that.”
“I’m good with silence.”
“All right then.”
And he was as good as his word—nothing but our footsteps in the darkness as he led us unerringly back to the bar; I knew Mom’s condo was not from here. There was the loud buzz of a seaplane coming in, lights blazing, approaching low and quick, nose up. A few dozen feet above the water the engine cut out, and I watched it float in silently, the floats skimming the water and sending white spray to either side. Then it was sluicing easily across the surface, making for a specific dock, slowing seemingly as if by magic, and then turning to slow and stop right up next to the dock.
“Damn,” I said. “In the dark, no power, perfect landing. I don’t know shit about flying, but I know that was impressive.”
Bast chuckled. “That’s Brock. Used to be a stunt pilot. He was flying before he could drive. A no-power night landing is child’s play for him. He can knock the cap off a beer bottle with a wingtip. Seen him do it.”
“So Zane is a former Navy SEAL and badass combat guy. Brock is a stunt pilot. Bax, from what I hear, used to be an underground bareknuckle brawler, former professional football player, and is now an internationally renowned personal trainer. Canaan and Corin are successful musicians. Lucian owns some business from what I understand…”
“And dabbles in black-and-white close-up photography.” He snapped his fingers. “There’s a word for it. Macro? Macrophotography?”
“Hell if I know.” I laughed. “Xavier is a genius robotics inventor.” I eyed him. “What about you? What impossibly cool thing do you do?”
“Me?” He shrugged, laughing good-naturedly. “I’m just a bartender.”
“I find that hard to believe.”
He shook his head. “For real. I manage the bars. More paperwork and less pulling beers these days what with four locations but, at the end of the day, I’m just a bartender.” He eyed me. “Don’t forget Rem, Ram, and Rome. Smokejumpers—ultra elite wildfire fighters—they parachute out of a perfectly good airplane into a wildfire too hot and too remote for the other elite wildfire fighters. Rome helps me run the bars, Remington is a tattoo artist, and Ramsey is a deep brush, big game hunting guru.”
The guys were trooping down the dock, laughing, hanging on to each other and throwing elbows—they were too loud, like some of them had had too much to drink. Brock had flown and was hanging back at the plane, tying up, and Lucas, huge and broad, was walking straight and staying quiet, watchful; I knew from Mom’s emails that he was a former alcoholic, and had taken it upon himself to be a watchful, sober presence for the others as much as he could. Playing catch-up for years of neglect was how Mom said he’d phrased it.
Which left Zane, Ink, Ram, and Myles, four of them sauntering together down the dock, howling with laughter at something—knowing men, I guessed I was probably better off not knowing.
Bast glanced at me, at the guys, and then lifted his chin at me. “You good?”
“Yeah, thanks. Sorry to have ruined your run.”
“Nah, I was just stretching my legs, gettin’ some fresh air.” He smirked at me. “Next time you take a pissed-off walk, just stay next to the water. That way, you can just walk back the way you came.”
“I will. See you later.” I hesitated. “Hey, Bast?”
He paused, turned back. “Yo.”
“Thanks. For the silence, I mean. You don’t know how much I appreciate it.”
“Sure thing, Lex.” He waved, and headed off into the darkness.
I wai
ted for Myles and the guys to reach the end of the dock.
Myles saw me, grinned. “Lexie! Lexie, baby. There you are.” He swayed a little. “Waiting for me, were you?”
I laughed. “Yeah, Myles. Just standing here in the dark, waiting for you to come back.”
He latched onto Ram’s shoulder for balance. “I think you’re being sarcasmic.” He blinked. “Sarcasmic? Is that right?” A laugh. “Shit, I’m lit.”
I moved to his side, leaned up against him. “Yeah, you are.”
He stared down at me, deep brown eyes dizzy but intent. “You mad?”
That stung a little, that Myles’s first thought upon seeing me was to ask if I was upset about something. Wanting to alleviate his worries, I lifted up and kissed his cheek. “Mad? Hell, no. I’m glad you had a good time.”
He sighed. “I don’t get like this often. Party a lot after shows, but I stay cool.” He belched loudly. “’Scuse me. But I felt like with these guys? With these guys? I could maybe be a little less cool. It’s hard bein’ cool all the time.”
Zane laughed. “You are far from cool, my dude. I’m onto your little secret. You’re just a big dork.” He cackled. “But that’s okay. Your secret is safe with me.” Zane sounded like he was a little less lit, but then he missed a step, standing still, and I realized he just sounded like it.
“I’m not a dork,” Myles protested. “But people got this—this idea that a rock star oughta be cool. Like, cool. So I’m cool, for the fans. But you guys are real. And the real me isn’t cool. I’m just, just like…this guy, you know?” He swayed way back, and I caught him. “Whoa. Gettin’ the spins.”
“Getting the spins?” Ink rumbled. “You had the spins half a fifth ago, little man.”
Myles glared way, way up at Ink. “Who are you calling little, you damn tree?”
Ink rumbled a deep laugh. “You’re funny.”
Ramsey let out a fart. “Everybody’s little compared to you.” He seemed to see me for the first time. “Oh, hey.”
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