“So why am I wearing a bikini?”
He shrugged. “Wanted to provide you with some options.”
He glanced over his shoulder. “Here we are.”
“Where?” All I could see was a patch of ocean just like the rest of it. The island in the distance, the hut a little closer, and not a thing else anywhere.
He quit swimming and somehow was resting on…a sandbank, shallow enough that we could sit on it and be up to our waist in water. “Came out here earlier, just to hang out while you were sleepin’. Peaceful out here.”
I slid off him and sat in the water. Stared around me at the utterly serene setting. “Thank you,” I said.
“For what?”
“Taking care of me. Bringing me here.” I swallowed hard, choking up. “For…for being you.”
He brushed at my cheek. “I won’t say it, because I don’t want to freak you out. But…I care about you.”
That didn’t help my mixed-up emotional state; made it way worse—because I had only one possible response. “I…it’s selfish. But…I wouldn’t mind if you…if you told me how you feel.”
“Why’s it selfish?”
I stared out at the water rather than at him. “Because I…I can’t give you that back. I just don’t know how, Myles. I want to. I swear to god, I do. But I don’t know fucking how.”
He nodded. “Well. You don’t have to know how. We can figure that out. That’s why we’re here, Lex, to figure things out.” He pivoted, brought me so I was sitting between his knees. “I love you, Alexandra.”
Tears. A lot of them. “I hate crying. I never cry.”
“Why?”
“Because it…it doesn’t do anything. Makes things worse.”
“There’s a reason.”
I nodded. “It’s…tied up with everything else.”
He was quiet a long, long time. He reached out, slowly untied the neck of my suit top. “Doing this so you can feel true freedom, not as a sexual advance. Just so you know.” The back of it. The sides of the suit bottoms. Plucked both pieces off me and let them float away. “Tide’ll bring ’em to the shore, and we’ll get ’em later.”
It was freeing. Exhilarating.
I couldn’t help but grin. “I’ll be right back.”
I kicked off the sandbank and swam around. It was the best feeling in the world—like nothing else. I’d been skinny-dipping—in lakes, private pools, hotel pools; my personality was all about being a daredevil, an exhibitionist. But this was different. No one to impress or be caught by, just me and Myles and the seagulls. The seagulls didn’t care, and Myles was in love with me.
I swam back to him. Let my legs dangle in the deeper water with my upper torso on the sandbank. “Is there a difference between loving me and being in love?”
He tilted his head; let his eyes rake over my body. Nodded after a minute. “Being in love can be temporary. I can say I was in love with Britt Aubrey. We both knew that was nothing but a fling, but there were feelings. I coulda seen myself with her. But it was physical. She was gorgeous and we were both young people with the world at our feet and careers to conquer. It was a rush, wild and fun. But not much more. It’d have faded. Excitement over her body would have eventually gone away, lust for her with it. When that’s gone, what’s left?”
I hated the sound of that. “So what’s that mean for me? You’re gonna get bored of me?”
He shook his head slowly. “No, Lex. Yes, your body is far and away better than hers. But even you will age. Someday you’ll be past your prime and getting old. So will I. And what’s left then is what matters.” He splashed water idly. “I know you, Lex. Your soul. Your mind. More than just your body, more than just your humor or your flirty nature or your incessant need for sex. I know that you’re afraid. That you’re hurt. I know that under the bold girl with the big brass balls is someone sweet and kind and tender and even shy. I know you love performing more than anything, but you don’t think you can have it, that you’re good enough, that you deserve the attention. I know you have things you’re literally dying to not be secret anymore. But you’re too afraid to trust me. Because you’ve been hurt, bad. Somebody fucked you up, Lex. I see it. I don’t need the story to know that. I know you need me to prove to you again and again that I’m here, and that I ain’t goin’ fuckin’ nowhere. No matter what.”
“You didn’t answer the question.” I kicked gently, floating. “If attraction fades, if physical desire fades, what’s left?”
“That’s the difference between loving you and being in love. We ain’t had sex in, what, two weeks? For folks like us who have hyperactive sex drives, that’s a long fuckin’ time. And it’s taught me a hell of a lot about how I feel about you. Because what’s left, in terms of my feelings for you, without sex, is raw emotion. And the drive to do and to be that’s more than feelings. Because even feelings ain’t enough. To hear my dad tell it, he loved my mom somethin’ fierce. And she him. But she had demons, I guess, and couldn’t and wouldn’t wrestle ’em, or let Dad help her. Don’t know what it was, because Dad would only talk about Ma when he was lit, and he wasn’t often alone with me when he was like that. They loved each other, is my point. But it wasn’t enough. She ran off on us because she couldn’t handle it. Him, me, us, life, I don’t fuckin’ know. I just know pure emotional love wasn’t enough.”
“Did you know her?”
He shrugged. “A little. I got a memory of her. Tall, beautiful. I get my hair color from her. She was quiet, but intense, I think. I remember bein’ in a little farmhouse in East Texas, Ma fixing a sandwich for me, singin’ some old song. That’s about it. She left when I was real young.” He paused. “You know, I won’t say I ever treated women like shit, like possessions or meat or just a place to put my dick, but Dad and Grandpa were both single. Mom left, Grandma died before I was born, and Dad and Grandpa were just single touring musicians. So their relationships, such as they were, weren’t much but physical, with whoever was available to them. Then I spent time at the compound with Crow’s folks and family, and most of them had pretty fast and loose notions of relationships. That’s all I’ve known, and it’s how I lived. Love was for books. Movies. Hallmark and Hollywood. But then I met you, and I realized real fast it was…it was somethin’ different. I saw how Charlie ’n Crow figured their shit out and that told me a lot.”
“You’re saying a lot, but––”
“What’s left when the physical is gone?” he interrupted. “What really matters? The fact that I’m here, an’ I’ll always be here. That I won’t go fuckin’ nowhere, no matter what. I choose you, Lex. For me, for my life. Whatever that looks like. I don’t need shit back from you. It’s me giving what I got to give, and you can take or leave it, but I ain’t takin’ it back. And I ain’t goin’ nowhere.”
I laughed. “You’ve never sounded so Texan in all the time I’ve known you.”
“Strong emotions do that.”
I twisted onto my back and let myself sink under the water, rolled forward and kicked away; knifing through the gentle swells, I held my breath and swam, hard, until my lungs burned. I surfaced, spluttering—I’d swum quite a ways, and Myles was just lounging on the sandbank, watching me. I treaded water for a moment, and then flopped to my back and backstroked back to Myles.
“Feeling better, huh?” he called.
“Not sure if it’s the sun or the water or the swimming or the combination of everything, but yeah, I am.” I kicked myself up onto the sandbank and sat beside Myles. “I need to eat something, I think. And I need time to process what you’re telling me.”
He nodded. “Sounds good. Let’s head back.” He scooted across the sand to the deeper waters. “This happens on your time, Lex. Your time, your way. I’m playing this your way, all right?”
I laughed. “No, you’re not. You’re forcing my hand.” I followed him, swimming beside him.
“Well, yeah, to an extent, because you won’t tackle your shit. I want more from you and for you, and you c
an’t do that until you take your demons on.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, turning and spitting out salt water.
“Yeah, I fuckin’ do.” He paused, and we swam in silence until he reached the hut and climbed up.
I spied my discarded bikini floating underneath the hut, snagged it, tossed it up on the porch, and climbed up. Myles was inside, still naked, dripping, pulling food items out of the fridge.
“Wait,” I said, leaning against the railing in the sun. “I thought the electricity was on a generator that’s not running.”
He pointed at the roof. “Solar panels on the roof work the fridge, and the lights if we need ’em. The generator is if we need electricity for longer than the solar can provide. If we don’t use the lights or plug anything in, the fridge can run on solar indefinitely.”
“Are you going to just be naked the entire time we’re here?” I asked.
He shrugged, nodded. “Why not?”
I bit my lip, watching his taut ass and rippling back muscles shift as he fixed us a plate of cold cuts, cheese, and fruit, along with two bottles of water. Desire for him ripped through me, and I restrained it with effort. “Yeah, why not…”
He laughed. “If you’re having trouble with me being naked, I can put on some trunks.”
“Trouble? It’s no trouble.”
He glanced at me, noting the way my eyes followed his junk. “Lex.”
I jerked my eyes up to his. “Yeah?”
“This is all about you. Whatever you want, whatever you need. The only thing we’re not going to do is keep avoiding issues and using sex to do so.”
“Well take away all my strategies, why don’t you,” I grumbled.
He sat on a chair, handed me one of the sweating bottles of chilled water. “You’re brave and bold and strong in just about every aspect of your life, Lex. I won’t accept weakness and cowardice from you in this, where it really counts the most.”
“You won’t accept it, huh?” I knew I sounded petulant and angry. “Why’s it up to you?”
He sighed. “Don’t be combative, Lex. Please?”
“It’s the only way I know.”
“Maybe it’s time to start learning new strategies, then.” He smiled. “You can practice on me.”
“Why?”
He rolled prosciutto up with a slice of cheese. “Because you’re better than that. You’re worth more than that.”
“Says you.”
“Yeah, says me.” He handed me the rolled-up cheese and meat. “Would you agree I know you as well as if not better than anyone else?”
I ate it, not looking at him. I nodded, eyes downcast. “Yeah, at least as well as anyone else I know. Weird, considering how brief a time I’ve known you.”
“But we’ve spent every single moment of that time together, waking and sleeping.”
“You say you know what you’re talking about when you tell me I have to face my demons.”
“Because I do.” He paired cheese with a strawberry. “I’ve got my own demons, and I’ve had to face them so I can be a whole person.”
“Like?”
He sighed. “This is what you call being open and vulnerable, so pay attention.” A pause to chew and to think. “My mother abandoned me. Gave me mommy issues. Trust with women issues. Why do you think I’ve never had a real relationship? I don’t trust women to care, to stay, to be trustworthy, because the one who should have, didn’t. I already told you the closest I ever got to a real relationship with a girl was Britt Aubrey, and I know she wanted it to be something. She said as much. It freaked me out. I ran so fast I left tire tracks. It just scared me. She wanted more. She wanted it to be something besides a hookup at a festival. I was honest and said I didn’t think I was ready for that, and it wouldn’t be fair of me to pretend I was, because I didn’t want to hurt her. But the reality—the truth was, I was too chicken back then to face—that I did want more with her, but I didn’t trust her. Didn’t trust her motives. Didn’t trust that if I put my heart into something with her, that she wouldn’t crush it when she got sick of me, like my mom did.”
I wasn’t sure what to say to that, so I said nothing, just listened.
Also, why did my heart feel weird at the knowledge that he’d been in love with Britt Aubrey? Why did that make my stomach flip? Why did I not like the idea of him wanting something with someone else that he claimed to want with me?
“I loved my dad and my grandpa, but I didn’t exactly have a normal or stable childhood. I’m more at home in a dive bar than I am a house. I’ve never had a home. Dad rented an apartment month to month when he wasn’t touring, and when he went on tour, he let the apartment go and we lived in his van. And then I lived with Crow, but that wasn’t really my home. And even then there was a lot of moving around. I’ve always just been a vagabond, you know? So that’s issue number two—I got no clue what a home is.” He let a silence breathe between us. “I don’t trust women, I don’t understand love and don’t know what it’s supposed to look like, and I ain’t ever had a real home. Grew up wandering and ain’t ever stopped, and I ain’t sure I know how. Those are my demons.” He fed me a blueberry. “I’m choosing to trust you, which, I gotta be honest, you’re not makin’ easy. I’m choosing to believe that loving you will be worth it, that I can figure how to love you, and what that looks like. An’ if you and me can figure this thing out and our future takes us to a point where we’re ready to decide on a home, I’ll figure that out too. It’s all scary as hell, Lex—but to me, you’re worth the risk.”
“What if I’m not?” I whispered.
“My decision, and I think you are.” He held my gaze. “Make no mistake—you have the power to totally crush my heart, Lexie. But I’ll take that risk.”
I blinked hard. “Don’t put that on me.”
A laugh. “Too late, sweetheart. It already is.”
I shot to my feet and stalked away, around to the backside of the hut, facing the island. I breathed hard. His heart…was in my hands. He couldn’t have been any more open or direct about that.
If I didn’t have the courage to deal with my shit, to become the woman he needed and wanted me to be so I could love him…I’d crush his heart.
Fucking enormous burden. Thanks, Myles.
I heard and felt him behind me. He didn’t say anything, just stood and waited.
“This is a fucking lot for day one, Myles.”
He sighed. “Yeah, you’re right. Let’s just take today and shelve the whole conversation.”
“And do what?” I asked.
“I can think of a few things,” he said, smirking.
My instinct was to reach for him, but I didn’t. I couldn’t even smile. “Normally I’d be all over that. But…you’re right. We have to—I have to tackle the shit I’ve been avoiding for years. And I can’t do that if I’m letting you distract me with sex.”
He chuckled. “If you let me distract you with sex?”
I gestured at him. “You, all naked and sexy and tempting and coming at me with innuendos.” I sighed, rubbing my face with both hands. “Just don’t even know where to start.”
“Today, you relax. Swim. Read a book—there’s a shelf of paperbacks in there, and I brought my e-reader which has all sorts of stuff downloaded on it. There’s a basket of assorted magazines in the bathroom, too.” He gestured at the island. “We can swim over there and explore the island. Or you can just sit and do not a damn thing at all. Sun yourself. Get a tan. Sleep.”
I nodded. Hesitated. “I…I think if I’m going to have a chance at sorting through all this in my own head, I’m just going to need some time and some space.” I eyed him. “I’m normally a really social person, and I’m not normally a ‘give me space’ kind of person. The opposite, usually, but—”
He slid up behind me, wrapped his arms around me; and even though I could feel his manhood against my buttocks, and his hands were clasped just under my breasts, it was a nonsexual thing, an embrace
. Comforting and nothing else.
“You don’t have to explain, Lex. You can tell me you need space to think. It ain’t gonna upset me or offend me or make me think you need to be away from me. I get it. I really do. I’ll be around, but you take the time you need.”
“Why are you so understanding?”
He laughed, kissed the side of my neck. “Because I want you to do what you need to figure this out, Lex. Also, I think being understanding is a pretty big part of showing someone you love them. I ain’t an expert by any means, but it makes sense to me.”
I leaned back into him, soaking up the comfort of his embrace, and the feeling of knowing he had no expectations. “What would you say if I told you I wanted us to not have any sexual contact for right now?”
“I’d say we’ll both need to wear bathing suits, because you bein’ naked all the time is gonna make that real fuckin’ hard for me.”
I wiggled my ass against his limp sex. “Doesn’t feel all that hard to me right now.”
He growled. “You just said no sex, woman. Don’t set me up for failure.”
I sighed. “Sorry. Habit. Plus, I’m having similar trouble with you being naked. Believe it or not, I’m attracted to you, and seeing you naked is not doing anything helpful for keeping my hands to myself.”
“Joking aside, I’m with you on making sure what happens between us is focused on the mental and emotional stuff, rather than the physical.”
“We’ve got the physical down, I think,” I said.
“Yeah,” I agreed, laughing. “I’d say we do.”
He let me go. “You still hungry?”
I shook my head. “Want to wait and see how that sits first. I still feel queasy and a bit hungover.”
He held my arms, kissed my cheek. “There’s no right or wrong way through this, Lex, except not dealing with it at all.”
“Which is what I’ve been doing for years.”
“And now it’s caught up to you.”
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