July 29th
We have had a good talk and spent all night reading the Song of the White Stag together. I shouldn’t write here when I’m upset.
The wolvenfolk have been making a lot of trouble in the northern forests again. Gairor is urging me to take a trip to Mardoon to discuss a joint organization of our patrols. I don’t want to leave Rusa.
September 10th
Can’t sleep. I have just gotten back from Mardoon and Rusa looks so pale and ill. The healers say she can’t live long in these waters. I want to believe they’re lying to me, but the proof is right before my eyes. If I were to be responsible for her death, I would never forgive myself.
There is some hope: in Mardoon, I heard a story of “shore-stones”, which can grant a mermaid legs. They are very rare but I’d pay any price to have one. I have ordered my men to go looking for one, but I know they are reluctant. No one wants Rusa to be queen.
I would do anything to saddle my horse and scour the countryside looking for one of these shore-stones, but I am the king. I must stay. And what would become of Rusa in my absence?
September 20th
Princess Intara of the Luwin Isles is here, and everyone has been trying to urge us together. I must confess that she is a pretty and very sharp witted girl and I spent longer talking to her than I should.
But it is Rusa I want, Rusa I cannot have. She is close to me, but always elusive. The longer she is here, the more elusive she seems. She has changed. She was once so frank with me, so interested in everything. Now, more often than not, she sits quietly in her pool. If the shore-stones can’t be found, I fear I will have to let her go.
October 16th
One of my scouts has returned and says he has found a necklace of shore-stones. We must find out how to use them, but—
There is hope!!
The most precious happiness is so close I can taste it. I dare not make a bet on it until I see that it works, but if it did, oh gods. I would marry her tomorrow.
October 18th
The scholars have been combing through the archives, trying to find how to use the shore-stone, and they believe they have found an answer. There is a picture in an ancient book. She must swallow the stone. I think it might just work. The book seems to know its business.
Legends of mermaid brides agree that she will lose all her memories of her life before. That is the only trouble. But I don’t think Rusa had much of a life before.
“The next entry comes much later,” Ellara said. “‘It has been four years now since Rusa vanished in the night. It all seems like a dream, now. A bad dream? No. Despite it all, a good one. Rusa always was, and always will be, a beautiful dream to me…but I understand now that I wronged her. I tried to imprison her in a world where she could never belong. Princess Intara will be my bride, but Rusa remains my love.’” Her eyes kept skimming the page. “He writes a confession, here. It’s quite long and despairing. The poor man must not have had anyone to talk to.”
“That is…so sad.”
Ellara sighed. “Forbidden love! But what happened to the shore-stone? It didn’t work? It seems so unfair.”
“I think it did work,” I said. “It was too late. She had grown resentful of being imprisoned in a little pool of water. She didn’t want to lose her memories.”
“I don’t why you have to lose your memories. True love conquers all.”
“Well, I don’t have my memories,” I said.
“I still say there must be a way to be together without it being so horrible. I mean, what is the point of such frustrating magic?”
“If only we knew.”
Deep down, I felt I knew what had happened. Worst of all, I understood it. It was already eating at me, wondering what my life under the sea had been. Would that feeling grow over months and years?
It would not be Wrindel’s fault. He hadn’t made the rules. He didn’t like the rules. If I knew what I was getting into, I sensed I probably would choose him instead of my life under the water.
But not knowing…
I needed to find my family. I couldn’t rest without knowing. Wrindel would never let me go to the shore, but I would have to take the risk.
Chapter Fifteen
Wrindel
I walked the shore for hours, calling for Rusa. At one point, I thought I heard an eerie song, but I never saw movement on the rocks or in the waters. It might have been the wind. I was so hoarse from screaming over the crashing waves that by the time I straggled back to the palace, I sounded like I had laryngitis.
I hated to come back with nothing.
“I’m sorry, Tal. I didn’t find anything out today, but I will.”
I had never seen such concern in her eyes. “It’s all right…,” she said. “I have this feeling you never will find anything out…”
“What makes you say that?”
“It’s a choice I must make. I can’t have my memories and you, all at once. And I know that you are the one I would choose…”
But the way she trailed off made me wonder. It was not as simple as that.
That night, she was still my alluring sea-maiden as she shed her clothes and sprawled naked on the bed. She still pressed herself against me and spread her legs for me. But I sensed that it was a tender love making she wanted tonight. I was gentle with her, running my fingers through her hair and caressing every inch of her skin, trying to show her as best I could without words that I loved her. I loved her and I would never let her down, never make her sorry for what she had sacrificed.
I had never felt before like I failed with a woman. And no doubt, I made her shiver and laugh with pleasure that night.
But I still felt I had failed her. Somehow or other.
Lies and lost memories hung between us like a tangled mass of cobwebs.
Two weeks passed by in a whirl and I filled them with more delights, as if I could distract us both from our troubles forever. I finally dared to bring Talwyn back to dinner. As soon as she walked in, Kiara’s eyes were on her, and full of loathing that had probably only grown after two weeks of court gossip.
Talwyn walked right up to her and handed her the compact. “I’ve been meaning to return this to you.”
“You! You stole my compact?”
“Mm-hm,” Talwyn agreed brazenly. “I did.”
Kiara’s mouth snapped open with momentary speechlessness. Clearly she had expected an excuse. “Why?”
“Because you called me ‘fishy’, and insulted me, and Ellara too, while you were at it.”
“And that makes it all right to steal from me?”
“No, but it does make it understandable, doesn’t it? I’m sure you agree that we both behaved immaturely.” Talwyn offered a hand. “I stole it in a moment of impulse. I don’t want to quarrel with members of Wrindel’s court.”
Kiara looked quite appalled at this gesture. I think she had expected to be sniping back and forth with Talwyn for years to come, and probably would have preferred it that way. I had to laugh. It was actually brilliant to get the upper hand. Talwyn had excellent instincts for making the court follow her lead instead of the other way around. Kiara reluctantly shook fingertips with Talwyn. She sat down and exchanged grins with Ellara. When Ithrin sat down, Ellara whispered about it to him, and he nodded at Talwyn.
We really feel like a family again, I thought.
The only misfortune was that Father’s chair remained empty.
And not halfway through the soup course, the main healer entered the room abruptly. “I apologize for the intrusion,” he said with a bow, and then he approached Ithrin. He was moving stiffly, his brow creased with lines of concern that didn’t budge. “It’s the king,” he said. “You should both see him now.”
The soup churned in my stomach as we shoved our chairs back. The girls stayed behind; Ellara would watch over Talwyn. My heart was thumping. Is this it, then? Is this how we lose Father? He slips away during dinner just as the family fortunes are finally turning?
For
all the times Ithrin and I had argued, I was glad for him now. Sometimes I found him steady and strict, but this very quality served him well now. I was not prepared for how wrecked Father looked, his head collapsed on his pillow, his breath labored.
I wanted to rage at the healers by his bedside. Why haven’t you fixed this? I turned my fury toward Ithrin instead, but it was meant for them to hear. “I don’t understand how he could be dying from an ailment no one can diagnose! He’s the king! We have some of the best healers!”
“It happens, Wrin,” Ithrin said. His patience was pained. “Healers can’t make miracles. It’s Jiriel and Seldana all over again.”
“I’m sorry,” Father said. “You boys have already endured so much…”
“Don’t apologize,” Ithrin said. “Save your strength.”
Father took our hands in his, which had grown thin in a matter of weeks. He didn’t seem to have the strength to say anything more for a little while. What was there to say? How do you say goodbye when all you want to do is rage at fate? Elves usually had at least one parent left on their century-day. Ithrin and I were not yet thirty and we were about to be orphans.
“I don’t want to dwell on sadness now,” Father finally said, as if sadness could be helped. “Bring your girls in to see me.”
“Both of them?” I asked.
“I want to see your mermaid. History be damned. If she makes you happy, I will be happy. If I must die, I want to die thinking that you will not be alone.”
Father was as good as giving me his blessing to marry Talwyn. I hadn’t realized what a weight that was until it was gone. “I’ll get her now.”
We returned to the dining room, only to be told the court had retired to the music room. Before we made it there, we bumped into Ellara, who was dashing down the hall. She reeled back when she saw us, almost turning a circle. Then she hid her face.
“I’m so sorry,” she cried. “I lost her!”
“What do you mean, you lost her?”
“I mean—Talwyn—she disappeared. When you two left, everyone started getting up and talking about the king’s health, and it was sort of a commotion and—I realized that Talwyn was gone. I already checked the privy, and your bedroom…”
“It’s not your fault,” Ithrin said, running a hand over her curls. “Either she was kidnapped…or there is something she intends to do.”
“Not kidnapped. I think she’s gone back to the sea.” I started to run.
I knew what I had to do.
Chapter Sixteen
Talwyn
I picked my way carefully down the steps from the palace to the path leading toward the shore, holding the hem of my dress high. I would hurry, before anyone worried too much that I was gone. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt Wrindel when his father was dying. But I had to know.
As soon as I reached the beach, I nudged off my shoes. The rocky shore was painful on my sensitive feet, but the kiss of salt water on my skin was like coming home.
I reached the waves, which crashed on the rocks in the moonlight. I looked out at the endless expanse of water before me, at the shadowed depths, and I missed it so much that tears sprang to my eyes.
I had never appreciated its beauty, had I? I wanted more…all the time, more. I was never satisfied with the primal flow of tides and currents. I thought the sea offered me nothing compared to the land. But seeing it again, I understood all at once that it was simply a different kind of existence, with its own kind of beauty.
I lifted my voice into the high song of the sea, “Hello!” I didn’t know the names of my family, but I felt in my bones that they must be waiting for my return.
It didn’t take long before two sleek heads bobbed up in the waves. One of them waved an arm at me. Then they swam forward as I started to walk toward them, my skirts dragged back and forth among the seaweed and foam.
“Talwyn! Talwyn!” They cried my name, two mermaid girls, grabbing me around the waist. I crouched down and hugged them. They looked like me.
“Sisters…” I was crying. “I’ve lost my memories, but I knew you were waiting for me. I’m so sorry.”
“That elven man stole you away! Talwyn—thank gods you came back. We traded away our hair to get a spell that would save you.”
“Oh, girls…” I realized they did look…different. Which was strange to say, when I didn’t quite remember them. But when they told me they had sold their hair, I understood immediately. I remembered their faces, but they had not looked so stark, with their hair cropped close.
One of them—the slightly older one—put a shell into my hand. “Open it,” she said. “Hurry.”
I felt torn in two. Seeing them, feeling the ocean water swirl around my legs, a part of me wanted nothing more than to take the spell. But this was my past. Wrindel was my future. The way we talked, the pleasures we shared… No matter how painful it was to turn my back on my home, I still wanted to wake up beside him for the rest of my life more than I wanted anything.
“I—I don’t know,” I said. “I don’t want to abandon you. I want to be your sister, forever and always. But—”
“Talwyn, please! You don’t belong there. You’ll never be happy on the surface. Rusa said—”
“Rusa?”
“The healer witch.”
“Rusa,” I repeated. “The witch is Rusa…” I clutched my head. “If I could only remember—!”
“Take this shell and you will remember.” My sister curled my hand around the shell. “Please, Tal. How can you ever be our sister again if you don’t even remember the lives we shared? You’ve raised us since we were little kids.”
“I will always be your sister. I remember your faces. I know that I love you. But…there is something else I need to remember.” I couldn’t remember it, but I knew how important it was. A missing piece of Rusa’s story. A piece I needed, no matter what I had to sacrifice.
Wrindel…I’m so sorry.
I cracked open the shell.
A flash of white hot magic blinded me. A searing pain shot up my legs, and all at once I felt them fusing together. I fell toward the rocks, and I would have surely scraped myself or worse if my sisters hadn’t caught me.
The silver flash of my tail was like seeing an old friend again—I had never gotten used to the sight of toes!—but I wasn’t sure it felt right anymore. All the delicious sensations that Wrindel had teased out of me—I might never feel it again. Like Rusa, even if Wrindel wanted to make love to me in this form, he never could. We would not take the risk of having children who didn’t fit in either world, who were cruelly disfigured in ways we could have prevented.
And what was it all for?
I remembered now.
Chapter Seventeen
Wrindel
I knew what I wanted, and I knew what was right.
I held the necklace in my hands, the stone warming to my skin as I gripped it tight, as I charged down the stairs to the sea.
This decision would never be easy. I knew I might break Talwyn’s heart, as I broke my own. But Father was right—we could never marry under the shadow of a lie. She would always wonder about what she had left behind to be with me. And keeping her past a secret, keeping her from her sisters, would tear at my conscience over time.
Maybe we could find another way to be together, another spell…one that didn’t force us into a lie. If not…
I would have to accept it, even if the thought was like swallowing a shard of glass.
My boots hit the shore. The rocks were black with a slick sheen of reflected moonlight. And she was there, waiting for me, as beautiful as I’d ever seen her—wild blonde hair and a tail of sleek silver. She had shed her elven dress and it sat on the rocks, crumpled like a molted skin.
“Wrin!” she called, her voice catching. “I’m sorry…”
I rushed to her side, letting the stone slip to dangle from my hand. “Don’t be sorry, sunshine. I was going to give you this anyway.”
“The stone… Why?”
“Because I can’t lie to you anymore. You have two sisters whom you’ve protected since your mother died when you were young. You told me about them. But the witch said I could never let you know. I can’t make that choice for you, even if it means we can never be together the way we wish to be.”
“Wrin…” Her hands gripped my jacket and collar, as she pulled herself up to embrace me. She clutched me tight. “I don’t want to be like Rusa and King Lefior. A prisoner and her captor.”
“You know that isn’t what I want either. We’ll find a way.”
“My sisters were here a moment ago,” she said. “They had a spell that would break the stone’s enchantment. Rusa gave it to them. She wanted to give me to you, so you would fall in love—and then she wanted to snatch me from you. This pain we’re feeling…it’s her revenge. She was your grandfather’s mistress.”
“What? But—she would be so old. I can’t believe she’s even still alive!”
“She is very old. And—before she stole my memories, she told me her side of the story.”
“Uh-oh.”
“Just—listen.” She settled beside me, the two of us sitting on the beach together. My boots were soaked, and a sharp wind ruffled my hair, but I hardly felt the cold. “Ellara read your grandfather’s diary to me the other day. It was sort of disturbing, that he kept her in one of those little pools in the palace for so many months. But he taught her to read, and I believe that he really loved her, even though the entire court tried to tell him she was unsuitable. He tried to find the shore-stone that would turn her tail to legs, but when he found it, she left. Her account, however, was different. She felt that he had fallen out of love with her over time, but that whenever she tried to leave, he would plead with her to stay just a little longer. She couldn’t really leave without being carried back to the shore, so she felt like a prisoner. Sometimes he neglected her, and when he spent a long evening with the Princess Intara, she felt completely betrayed. When he finally found the shore-stone, he told her she would have to give up all her memories to be with him. She was furious because he acted like this wasn’t a big deal, like her life had no importance before she met him anyway.”
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