Always Yours

by Kari March

  "Hey, man," Adam said quietly as he walked up beside me.

  I looked over at him. "Hey. What are you doing out of bed?"

  "Crew change is in an hour. Figured I'd get up and start pulling my shit off the truck." He took a seat next to me and stared out at the morning sun. "It's okay to let go, Cam," he said, leaning forward on his knees.

  My head filled with recollections of Cara and a tiny smirk broke out on my face. "Nah, too many great memories. I think I'll hold on to them all a little longer."

  I looked over at him and he chuckled. "I'm not telling you to forget about her. I know that's impossible. I'm simply saying you don't have to put yourself through the pain. I know things are rough with Amber, but did you ever think maybe it's because you're holding on to the past. You'll never stand a chance with her if you let the past consume you."

  He patted me on the back and walked away, leaving me to simmer over his words. He was right. I did the same thing with Cara. I let my past with Amber overtake that relationship and look what happened.

  Right now my relationship with Amber was like scaling a cliff with no safety rope—I was hanging on tight, praying I wouldn't slip and fall to my death. She was carrying my whole reason for existence and I knew one false move would send me plummeting straight to the depths of hell.

  It had been six months of battles with Amber. We fought constantly, but for the sake of my son I needed to find a way to make this thing work. I did care about her. I just didn't know if I would ever love her again.

  After shift change I headed straight home like I always did. It was Sunday so Amber was still in bed when I walked in.

  She was on her side, cuddled up with her body pillow. Her leg draped over it like it was a saddle, as she snored away. As silly and loud as she was she looked beautiful. Her blond hair contrasted against her black tank top, making it look brighter than it was. Her adorable protruding belly made a sense of satisfaction wash over me and I began looking at her in a different light.

  Sitting down on the bed, I brushed her hair out of her face and kissed her forehead. She began to shift in her sleep while I continued to trail kisses down her neck. She let out a muffled giggle as her eyes opened.

  "How's my little boy doing?" I asked, placing my hand on her stomach.

  "I think our little fighter finally wore himself self out," she said, placing her hands over mine. "All that kicking and punching he's been doing finally caught up to him. I'm just glad he finally gave my insides a break."

  "Do you think everything's okay?" I asked with a slightly panicked voice.

  "I think so. But he hasn't moved in a while," she said and my heart stopped beating entirely.

  "When was the last time you felt him?" My medical training started kicking into high gear. I wasn't a damn OBGYN but I knew that wasn't normal.

  "Yesterday morning," she said, casually shrugging her shoulders. "It's been so nice not having him kick my ribs."

  "What?" I yelled. "Are you serious right now? It's been twenty-four hours?"

  She looked at me like I was crazy. "What? Is that bad?"

  "Yeah, Amber, it is. Have you not listened to the doctor at all?" I remembered Amber's doctor saying something about ten movements every two hours, so I knew this was bad. Standing up, I grabbed her hand. "Come on, we need to get to the hospital," I said, trying to yank her out of bed.

  "I'm not going to the hospital, Cam. I'll just page the doctor. I'm sure it isn't a big deal." She said it nonchalantly as she sat up grabbing her phone.

  Why was she not freaking out?

  She had the doctor paged and when I looked down at her hands resting on her stomach my fucking heart plunged. Something wasn't right. I could feel it in my gut.

  Pacing around the room, I yielded her phone to fucking ring. I wanted to hear what the doctor had to say before my mind drove me insane. "Can you at least get up and get dressed just in case the doctor says we need to go to the hospital?" I lashed out at her.

  With an irritated sigh she gradually got out of bed and headed for the bathroom."Sit down, Cam, you're driving me nuts! Everything is fine, stop freaking out," she argued, slamming the door shut.

  I sat down on the bed and buried my face in my hands as my leg bounced uncontrollably. I felt sick. Something's wrong. I know it.

  The faint buzzing of her phone on the night stand pulled me from my state. I flew across the bed and grabbed it as Amber came back out of the bathroom. She stomped over and pulled the phone from my hands.

  "Hello," she answered, her hand on her hip.

  I took a deep breath as I tried to calm myself down. Everything's going to be okay. I tried reassuring myself but it didn't work.

  "Yes, thank you for calling, Dr. Perkins. Cam is just concerned because I haven't felt the baby move for a while. He thinks we need to go to the—"

  She stopped talking and bolts of terror shot up my spine.

  "Yesterday," she said as she began to pace. "Yes, I'm sure."

  "Okay, thank you Dr. Perkins." She hung up the phone and turned towards me without one fucking hint as to what the doctor said. Her strange silence made my heart beat faster with every passing second. "He wants me to go to the hospital as soon as possible."

  Arriving at the hospital I checked Amber into the labor and delivery ward as the nurses swept her away to a private room to start checking the baby. My hands were fucking shaking so hard I could barely even fill out the damn paperwork.

  When I was done, I rushed down the hall to her room. She was just stepping out of the bathroom when I opened the door. An older lady was setting up an ultra sound machine next to the bed, and she started asking Amber some questions.

  "How far along are you?"

  "Um, thirty weeks tomorrow," Amber said, lying down on the bed.

  The woman took a seat on a chair next to Amber and squeezed some gel onto the paddle. "And you haven't felt the baby in almost twenty four hours?" she asked, looking at Amber over her glasses.

  Amber rolled her eyes. "Yeah, it was yesterday morning," Amber said, her tone evidently annoyed.

  I stepped into the room and took a seat on the other side of Amber.

  "You must be the father," the lady said, looking at me with a genuine smile.

  "Yes, ma'am." I was too nervous to say anything else so I returned her smile and she continued to set up her machine.

  "Amber, I'm going to have you pull down your pants a little and tuck this into the waist so we don't get this sticky gel all over them." She handed Amber a sterile paper towel.

  The woman flipped the machine on and then rolled the chair closer to Amber. "Alright, let's take a look and see what's going on."

  Placing my hands over Amber's I rubbed the side of her hand with my thumb nervously as I stared at the screen. Little white dots were everywhere and you could hear what sounded like static through the speakers as the lady moved the probe all over Amber's lower belly. I waited, my pulse thumping harder, as I listened for the familiar sound of my baby boy’s rapid heartbeat.

  Why can't she find it? It's never taken this long to hear it.

  My palms were sweating and I clasped Amber's hand tighter when I recognized the image of a baby on the monitor.

  There's my boy.

  My smile grew as I stared at the image. I would never forget the feeling of seeing my baby on screen like this. The first ultrasound we had, I cried like a little girl when the little peanut appeared, but this was so much better. You could see his little profile, his arms, and hands. You could see his nose and it looked just like mine. My heart swelled with pride knowing that he was my son.

  I blinked to ward of the tears of happiness and the screen went black. My gaze darted over to the ultrasound tech. Her face was blank, her eyes full of concern—it scared the shit out of me. "I need to get the doctor. I'll be right back," she said before leaving the room in a hurry.

  I looked at Amber and she didn't seem fazed as she played on her damn phone.

  How could she not be worried?


  I was a fucking mess. Every horrible thought ran through my mind. And then it hit me.

  I never heard the heartbeat.

  I released Amber's hand and everything came to a standstill. My stomach sunk like a heavy rock in water. Looking around the room, I couldn't believe this was fucking happening.

  No! It wasn't. It couldn't be true. The tech didn't have the speakers on that's all. Everything's fine. My boy is going to be okay. She went to get the doctor to tell him everything's fine.

  It seemed like hours had passed before I finally heard voices outside the room. A heavy weight pushed down on my chest as the ultrasound tech walked back in with Dr. Perkins right on her heel. I wanted answers. "What is going on?" I asked firmly as I stood to my feet.

  Dr. Perkins walked around to the other side of the bed and took a seat in the tech's chair next to the machine. He looked up at Amber. "Ruth is having a hard time finding your baby's heartbeat so I'm going to take a look, okay?"

  Amber just nodded. She never looked up from her phone, she just kept typing away on it. I wanted to strangle her.

  Once again I saw my little boy on the screen. This time my heart fucking shattered. He wasn't moving.

  The doctor glided the probe all around Amber's belly, pushing harder as he searched for the thumping little sound.

  He never found it.

  He clicked the machine off and turned towards us slowly. He removed his glasses as his eyes shot between Amber and me. "I'm so sorry," he said, his brow creased. "There isn't much to say under these circumstances, but your baby's heart isn't beating."

  Amber's head finally shot up from her phone. Her eyes were wide. "What do you mean?"

  Dr. Perkins began speaking about potential causes but I barely even heard him.

  This isn't happening.

  Running my hands through my hair I started pacing around the room. Black spots started to blur my vision as my stomach clenched in pain. Bile rose in my throat, suffocating me, making tears stream down my face—I was fucking losing it.

  This has to be a dream.

  Looking over at Amber I couldn't believe this was happening. She was staring at the doctor still but she didn't look upset. She didn't look sad. She looked....almost relieved. She had to be in shock. I knew I was but I also knew I had to be strong, for both of us. Her eyes locked with mine and I sulked over to her as I wiped the tears from my face.

  Wake up! This isn't real!

  Sitting next to her on the bed I put my arm around her, comforting her in the dark room. "We will get through this, princess. Together."

  "We'll give you two some time," Dr. Perkins said as he and Ruth left the room.

  Wake the fuck up, Cam! You have to wake up.

  But I didn't. It was real—every excruciating second of it. I rested my head on Amber's and the fucking dam broke as I held her tighter. All we could do was cry. I cried for Amber, for myself and for the son we would never know.

  Our baby was gone.

  I didn't know what the next few days were going to bring. I spent them in a fucking hazy cloud of tears and anguish. Amber wasn't speaking much. She locked herself away in the bedroom for the most part and only came out a few times when her father and Kate showed up.

  Her father looked at me like this whole thing was my fault. He didn't speak to me; he just rushed up to Amber's room and slammed the door. Kate couldn't stop crying. She had always been emotional and I knew this was hard for her. She was really looking forward to becoming an aunt. We held each other tight as we both mourned. She was the first person to actually acknowledge the fact that I had lost a son as well and I felt a sense of peace as we cried together.

  When Amber saw the two of us she freaked. She yelled and screamed at Kate to leave and never come back. I knew Amber was stressed, emotional, and hurting, but she didn't have to react that way to a sister who was only grieving alongside of her.

  I felt helpless. I wanted to help her cope with the loss. I wanted her to help me cope as well, but she wouldn't do either. I was hurting just as much as she was but I felt like I needed to be strong for her. I tried comforting her but she just pushed me away and slammed the door in my face. After two long sleepless nights, we returned to the hospital so Amber could be induced.

  I've never seen a woman go through labor. Before all this happened, I assumed there wasn't a whole lot I would be doing. I thought I would be there mainly for support—encouraging words, back rubs, and a hand holder. But all of that changed the moment we entered the room.

  I felt powerless. I didn't know how to comfort her, or what to say. There was no way to make the experience any less horrific for Amber or myself.

  The delivery was a fucking mess of emotions. One minute I was calm and focused the next I was hysterically sobbing as I held Amber's hand. I wanted the ordeal to be over with more than anything but once it was, it really became real. My son was born at 1:23pm on April 23rd.

  Amber decided not to see the baby once it was born. While I didn't understand her choice, I did respect it. I, however, wanted to hold my son. I had to feel him in my arms, see his tiny face, and hold his little hand, no matter how heartbreaking it was. I had to feel him. And I did.

  I felt every part of him as I held him in my arms, rocking him slowly behind a curtain so Amber couldn't see. An overwhelming sense of love washed over me as I looked down at him but it was quickly followed by a massive wave of sorrow and grief.

  He looked like me. He had my nose and mouth. He was so little—weighing only four pounds—the blanket he was wrapped in looked like it was swallowing him whole. Brushing the tip of his nose, I whispered, "I love you," before kissing the top of his head. I said hello and goodbye to my son all within ten minutes. No parent should ever have to go through that.

  Amber was told she had to stay in the hospital overnight for observation. She lost quite a bit of blood during the labor and they wanted to monitor her just to be safe. She hadn't looked at me once since she delivered. They wheeled her into her room and as soon as we were alone I sat on the bed, taking her hand in mine. I rubbed my thumb over her IV gently as I looked down at it.

  "Don't, Cam," she warned, pulling her hand away. She still wouldn't look at me. I shook my head in disbelief.

  Why was she acting like this?

  "Why won't you let me be there for you? I know this is hard but you're making it so much harder on both of us. I need you right now, Amber. And you need me too. Let me help you through this," I begged.

  I never expected something as horrible as this to bring me closer to Amber but it had. We were both going through this together and we needed each other to lean on.

  "I can't." She looked down at hands. "I can't even look at you. Everything is your fault."

  I snapped my head up at her as my adrenaline started pumping through my veins. "How is any of this my fault?" I asked her.

  "Because you were with her!" she yelled at me and my brow creased. "You could've picked any fucking girl in this whole world and you picked her."

  "Who, Cara? What the fuck does Cara have to do with us losing the baby?" I stood up, pushing my hands into my pockets as I stared out the window.

  "Everything," she hissed under her breath.

  I spun around and looked at her. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

  "Nothing, don't worry about it. Why don't you just leave," she said, crossing her arms over her chest.

  "I'm not fucking going anywhere. I thought we were trying to make shit between us work?" I said, taking a step towards her.

  "I don't want to make things work with you, Cam! I'm relieved we lost the baby. I never wanted him—you did! I was going to terminate the pregnancy but then you found out about it. I knew there was no way you would ever let me go through with it, so I stuck around." She looked up and glared at me. The vileness in her eyes made the pit of my stomach turn icy cold. "I never wanted you. In fact, I had no plans of confronting you that night at the party but then I saw you dancing with her."

>   I wanted to punch her in the face. I couldn't believe what she was saying. I always knew she was a bitch, but this was just fucking blowing my mind. "So you fucking ruined my life because you were jealous?" I seethed.

  An evil smirk formed on her face and the coldness in my stomach spread to the rest of my body. "I was never jealous. I simply saw an opportunity to have some fun, so I took it." She shrugged her shoulders. "You made it so easy, too. You loved her, Cam. And I think she may have even loved you back, but your past love for me was stronger." My eyes narrowed at her as my breathing picked up, making my nostrils flair. "I can't believe you gave up on her so easily. When you did, I decided to ride it out for a while before I pulled the chair out from under you."

  My hands balled into fists and it took every ounce of strength I had to hold myself back. All I could see was red. I couldn't believe this shit. I threw everything away for this bitch. I wasn't even that mad at her for fucking with my head, it was how badly she fucked with Cara's that enraged me. I had to get the fuck out of this room before I made it Amber's permanent resting place.

  Cocking my head at her I opened my mouth to fire back but I stopped short and just shook my head at her. Turning on my heel I headed for the door. She wasn't worth wasting another breath on.

  I hadn't seen Cam in over six months. I hadn't heard his voice, felt his touch, or stared into his bright blue eyes but I was still breathing.....barely. I was alive but I wasn't living.

  The only time I could find any comfort from my broken heart was when I got lost. I set out every Sunday night after work, with no destination in mind, and didn't come back until Monday evening. It was the only thing that kept a part of him alive inside of me.

  Tonight was different though. Tonight was a night where my mind floated back to a different time. It had officially been fifteen years since my father walked out on me and my mom. This was usually just another day but for some reason it was hitting me hard this year.