by Tammy Lynn
Kitten smiled at EJ knowing he heard it too, felt the same pull, same attraction as she did. “EJ, you have no idea what your voice does to me. Makes me have shivers down my spine, it reaches in and closes around my heart, like a vise, and I don’t want to ever lose this feeling.”
EJ closed his eyes as he rolled atop her, exhaling deeply. “My love, I don’t ever want you to lose this feeling. I don’t want to hurt you, but you know I have to go.” Kitten placed her mouth on his to shut him up. Her tongue searched for his and tangled wildly with it, her hands pulling at his head, her legs opening wide, knowing she was feeling this for the last time. EJ gasped for breath and lifted himself up to cover her breasts with his hand, to feel the hot ivory flesh, to taste her again. So very soft, her breast was, the color of peaches and cream, and he knew if he continued suckling he would hurt her. “Open your eyes Kitten. I want to remember this. I want to see your eyes widen when I enter you, I want to see us mirrored in your eyes.”
Kitten looked at EJ with all the love she felt, which she admitted to herself was crazy. She felt EJ stretch her to the point of breaking, and just when she thought she couldn’t handle anymore, EJ lifted her up and filled her totally. Kitten’s eyes stayed on EJ’s, knowing that she would always remember this feeling. She rose to meet every thrust, their heartbeats a rhythm against their chests every time they’d meet. “EJ, please, please.” Kitten drew out the two letters, making EJ crazy. He knew he would never hear his name again and not think of this. His name, softly drawn out again, came out of her mouth along with a high pitched moan. Her fingers clenched his back as she arched into his body. “Please EJ, please.” EJ looked down at his beauty. She lay there wrapped around him and arched one last time before he totally lost his control. Seconds or minutes passed, he wasn’t sure, but he knew that he had to go. “EJ, do me a favor?” He looked at her as he pulled her into his arms. “What, love. I’ll do anything in my power.”
“Hold me until I go to sleep. When you leave, I can’t watch. If I’m awake, I’ll never want to let you go.”
EJ knew his heart was breaking. He was tied to someone else, but his heart was breaking, nonetheless. He had never met anyone like Kitten, would never meet anyone like her. “I don’t want to ever let you go, Kitten, but I have to.” He kissed her lips softly, tenderly, tasted the trace of salt from her tears and pulled her tighter. “Sleep my love, just sleep.” When the sun rose over the plantation an hour later, illuminating the sunflowers and showing off their vibrant color, EJ still had Kitten wrapped in his arms. When she awoke with the sound of her horse whinnying outside in the corral, he was gone. In his place was a small piece of paper. With shaking hands she opened it up. All it said was, FOREVER, MINE, EJ. She turned her head into her pillow and cried.
Kitten knew that she would probably never see EJ again. He had been a miracle to her. Taught her about love, even if only for a day, but it was a day that she would live over again and again in her mind. She knew she had to get up and get ready for the day, but for the life of her, she just wanted to crawl under the covers and never come out, not until her heart stopped breaking, if that was even possible. She looked over again at the note where it had dropped on the bed and smiled. At least she had a little memento of their time, so it wouldn’t seem like a great love fantasy in the future. Kitten went ahead into the shower, not wanting to wash off EJ’s scent, that she wanted to keep with her forever, but she knew she had to get clean again.
EJ, on the other hand knew what he had to do. He had to go back to his home. His family was waiting for him and he hated knowing he broke their trust, and it would break their heart if they knew what he had done. For the hundredth time since leaving Kitten’s home, he thought back. He remembered the angelic look on her face. The way her lashes lay against her face as her eyes moved back and forth behind the lids, hopefully dreaming something peaceful, as the smile indicated on her mouth. Her delicate hands had been holding his and he had stroked them one last time before putting them against her cheek. EJ had leaned over and softly kissed her lips one last time before getting out of the bed. After getting dressed he had whispered in her ear, “I’m sorry that this will hurt you. I never meant to. I never thought such feelings existed for me.” He went to her dressing table and wrote her a note before putting it on her pillow. A stab of pain entered his chest as he walked out the door. He knew it was for the best, but in his thoughts he knew he should have never come here. History had proven correct once again as he left the same way Josh had left.
Kitten dressed and went downstairs to the kitchen where there was juice waiting for her, just like always. Her housekeeper, Lissa, looked at Kitten as she walked in. Before Lissa could say anything, Kitten held up a hand and a sad smile was to be seen. “Not now, Lissa. Not when I lost something I don’t think I ever had.” Lissa nodded as she walked up the back stairs Kitten turned and walked out on to the porch. Could it have been less than 24 hours ago that EJ had come driving into her life? Gazing out onto the sunflowers which shone brightly in the morning sun, she smiled. Her mama had always said it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. But then again, her mama had never known the aching passion she had, or did she? Did her mama know just all too well the same passion that she and Miss Victoria had known? Where were those diaries and journals? Kitten left her juice, and with a determined smile on her face, climbed into the attic. It was past time to face reality and find out exactly what her mama and Miss Victoria had meant when they had wrote, decades apart, “A love is never lost if you can still remember and see in your mind’s eye the passion you once knew.”
EJ drove back to Maine, Kitten on his mind. He knew he hurt her, but he couldn’t help himself. If he had the chance to hold her, to kiss her, to touch her once more, he would, no matter the consequence. As he pulled into his driveway, he saw his wife standing on the porch, the flowers she had been nursing waving gently behind her in the breeze. This was going to devastate her. If only he didn’t have to tell her the news, but EJ wasn’t that type of person. He got out of his car and looked at the home they had bought together. This was no plantation, but it was modest, and filled with love. He looked at his wife, at the radiant smile she had on her face. “Candra.” EJ went to her and kissed her lips lovingly. “You’re just like your name means, luminescent.” Candra laughed as she hugged EJ back. EJ couldn’t help but compare the women. Candra had medium length brown hair with gold shot through it that you could see in the sun. Her eyes were soft, always full of love, a bright periwinkle blue, and her lips were always in the shape of a smile. Just thinking of Kitten’s hair and her soft voice made EJ again regret hurting his wife.
“EJ, what’s the matter? You did find what you were looking for, right? Your trip went well?” Candra held EJ’s hand as she led him to the rocking chair on the front porch.
“My trip was well, but I need to tell you something.” EJ hung closed his eyes as he tried to find the words.
“There’s no need. I felt something akin to sorrow early this morning and again about an hour ago. I have a feeling you found what you were looking for and then some. Your feelings you wear on your sleeve, and I know you are in a great deal of pain, inside your heart. Your feelings are torn by what you want and what you have. I’ll be here waiting when you get it all figured out, and I’ll be by your side while you’re doing it.”
EJ looked at Candra. How could this gentle lady know?
Meanwhile, Kitten was looking through her mother’s diary when she noticed an en entry marked with a folded corner page. It was titled, The Day HE Came Back. Kitten was intrigued. She sat on the floor her back against her hope chest and started reading. I had a feeling today would be special. I had been sitting on the veranda, a glass of cold ice water wrapped in my hand. It was so very hot today. Watching the long acres of hay being harvested, I noticed a gentleman walking up. What a sight to see. He spoke to my foreman, and I thought he just wanted a job. Too bad we didn’t have any available for him, and t
o tell the truth, I would have given him something just to watch him all day. The gentleman came up with George, my foreman, who looked stumped to say the least. He had been introduced to me as Jaret. All I could think was that he was the epitome of a man. His hat had been taken off his head to show the brown hair, just starting to turn gray around the temples. His eyes held me entranced. Blue as the sky and just as endless. His face had the look of elegance, and the smile pulled me to him. His body was as hard as a washboard, and looked just as unyielding. His hand outstretched to take mine and my eyes closed on a rush of desire so strong it almost took me to the ground. Kitten smiled. She knew that type of desire. If she didn’t know better her mama could have been talking about EJ. She closed the diary for a second and relived the first touch. Shaking her head, she went back to reading.
He told me that his grandfather had stayed here. I knew he looked familiar. This must be Josh’s grandson. So Josh did find his way back to his lovely wife. Mama had said that he had to go back, it was his duty. I introduced myself and I told him that his grandfather did indeed stay here and took him up to where the room was preserved with the rebel gear that mama had given Josh to wear, only to leave it as a memory for her. I don’t know what came over me in that room. It was like I had gone back in time as had he. I felt like HE had come home to me again. How can that be when I had never seen him? He touched more than my body, he touched my very soul. I never want him to go, although he has said he has to leave come morning. I told him he could have the black stallion , Shilo, to remember me by, also a way for him to get home. Although, Maine is a very long way to go on horseback from here. Jaret and I barely slept tonight. Right now he is changing back into his clothes to go back. So very strange as it feels like we’ve done this before. A soft southern voice, that sounds strangely like mama, keeps telling me that we’ll find our way again. All I know is I will never find love again. One night, one glorious night, and I know what love is, and what it feels like to have it leave me. I always thought Kitten’s daddy was the love of my life, but I was wrong. Jaret I will never forget or try to replace. I hope he gets back to his wife and that this night, although wrong, will forever live in his mind, but will never come between him and her. Good-bye my love. You will never know how long I’ve waited for you, and will continue to wait for you.
Kitten closed the pages when she noticed her tears dropping on the sheets. So Miss Victoria and her mama felt the same things in that room. Maybe it was meant to be for only one night. Maybe Josh and Jaret knew they found their love, but due to duty went back because it was the right thing to do and Kitten couldn’t fault them for that. She stood up and walked to her window looking out at the corral where a shiny black stallion ran back and forth. Was it coincidence that her stallion was also named Shilo? Funny how she had bought the stallion two months prior from a breeder in Maine. Shocked, she ran down the curved stairway to the den to get the paperwork. Chamberlain Farms, Bar Harbor, Maine. A cruel twist of fate, or destiny waiting to be realized? Only time would tell.
EJ held Candra’s hand and smiled at her. “Yes, I found what I was looking for, actually I found more than I bargained for.” His eyes closed and again he pictured her, this time sitting atop him, and he knew he had to stop.
“Do you want to tell me about her?” EJ jerked his head to his wife, a look of pure shock on his face as he met the smiling face of his wife. “I know you think about her, but maybe, just maybe, if you tell me about her, it might be a little easier. Rest assured, my love, I won’t be jealous.”
EJ took a deep breath and began. “She looked just like Josh had described Miss Victoria, minus the petticoats and skirt, of course. Her hair was long, to her waist, a beautiful blonde color. It was like we already knew each other as soon as I got to her porch. An invisible force was pulling me toward her. I asked to see Josh’s room, which she took me to, and something took over in me. I can’t explain the feeling I had and I won’t try to condone it either. Candra, I am sorry, but it felt like I had to choose between the past and present. Do you want to know something even stranger?”
She leaned her head to the side and nodded for EJ to go on. “When the request came to purchase Shilo a couple of months ago, it came from Kitten Chambers, Triple C Plantation, North Carolina. I didn’t put two and two together until I walked onto that land and saw Shilo in the corral. How was I to know that my Shilo came from Miss Alysia’s Shilo? I know it was a request from my Daddy to name Shilo’s offspring the same name and I didn’t understand why, but now I do.” EJ leaned back and finally smiled. “He wanted to keep a part of her with him always, and that was the only way to do it.”
Candra nodded and stood. “I’ll be in the house if you need me.” She had to leave, just for a minute. Even though she said she wouldn’t be jealous, it was still there.
Back at Triple C Plantation, Kitten was still looking over the bill of sale, not believing what she was seeing. Jaret had taken her mama’s prize stallion, bred it, and she had the offspring in her corral. It had to be fate. Could Kitten walk away from something that was forbidden? She wasn’t brought up this way. He had a wife, he belonged to her, he didn’t belong to Kitten.
As she thought about her situation, Lissa walked in looking baffled. “Did you clean The General’s room?” Kitten shook her head. Other than putting fresh sheets on the bed, and putting the yankee gear back on the bed, nothing was changed.
“Why?” Kitten ascended the back staircase to the locked room, only it wasn’t locked. The air smelled like verbena, the drapes were pulled back from the windows, letting the sunlight stream in, and the yankee hat was laying on the pillow. “I didn’t do that.” Kitten looked at Lissa. “I swear I didn’t do that.”
Lissa smiled and walked away. As she descended the stairs she called back, “Miss Victoria must be in a cleaning mood today.”
Kitten laughed as she again locked the door. What else was she to think? Right before she clicked the lock into place a soft southern accent said, “You’ll have your chance again.” Kitten just shook her head. Hearing the telephone ring, she rushed down the stairs to answer it. One of these days she was going to have to get a phone upstairs. “Hello? Triple C Plantation.”
There was an indrawn breath then a deep drawl that Kitten would never forget. “Why can’t I just leave you alone?”, then he was gone. Kitten stood holding the phone, disbelieving who’s voice she just heard.
EJ stood by his car getting out his luggage and closed his cell phone. Why couldn’t he just let it be? He had just promised himself that he would get on with his and Candra’s life, then he called her. What a hypocrite he was. He slammed his trunk down, put the bags on the porch and went to his corral where he saddled up one of the horses and took off like there was the demons of Hell after him.
Kitten hung up the phone, told Lissa she was going to be in the attic if there were any calls, and raced back to her sanctuary. Picking up the stacks of journals and diaries, she went to the one she hadn’t read yet. Miss Victoria’s last journal was tied with a yellow ribbon. Inside was a couple of pressed flowers and nothing exciting the first few pages, but then an entry marked FOREVER, MINE showed up, reminding Kitten of what EJ wrote. I swear I saw Josh today. I had to go into town for supplies and I wanted to visit some of the ladies that I hadn’t seen in a while. In the general store getting flour, sugar, and some feed for my horses, there was a gentleman that approached. He asked for gunpowder and was told to wait for a second until they loaded my wagon up. He looked at me, and I know those eyes, those deep eyes that stared into my soul just years before. How could I forget those? The storekeeper told me the total and called me by name, and the gentleman just looked, his face sort of ashen at the time. As I was paying for my purchases the gentleman excused himself and went outside. I talked for a while until everything was loaded and walked out. I never saw the gentleman again, but when I came home and had the bolt of fabric to use on a new dress, a piece of paper dropped out, saying Forever, Mine. It was smudged, and it
wasn’t signed, but I know who it came from. As I prepared myself for bed tonight, I heard the whisper through the trees sounding like my name. Throughout the night I head my name whispered on the breeze that came through the window. Right before dawn I heard my name, once again, whispered in my ear. I turned my head and opened my eyes to see the sky just starting to turn to shades of red, orange, and yellow, reflecting not only the rising sun, but the smoke in the distance of the ongoing battle. My eyes felt heavy, so I closed them once more and felt myself gathered into strong arms I knew from before. I whispered his name, he whispered back. A kiss so soft it could have been the whisper of wind touched my face and I heard him say, “Forever, mine.” When I awakened later, there was nothing there, not even an imprint of another body to prove that my fantasy was reality, except for the note I had on my mirror. It was now on my pillow. Was it the wind that brought it floating down, or did Josh somehow come in here and put it there. I don’t think I will ever know. I just know that I miss him terribly. Every passing day I think of my Yankee Gentleman and I die a little inside because I know he will never be back.
Kitten closed the book after marking the page with the ribbon. What emotions Miss Victoria had. They were the same that flowed through her and she knew, her mama. If only life weren’t so difficult. Looking at her watch, she saw it was time to exercise the horses. Going out, she saddled up Shilo and went racing through the pasture to the lake that was on the other side. Shilo loved grazing on the grass and then wading through the lake to cool off. If she weren’t scared of being caught, she’d do it too. Her thoughts ran rampant as she galloped through the tall grass.
EJ stood next to the small pond where his horse was drinking out of. He knew what he had promised Candra, God, and himself, but he still wanted her, too. Was this how his daddy and Josh felt? Wanting every minute what he knew he could never have? He picked up a stone and tossed it into the pond, watching the ripples circle outward. Toward the center he could have swore he saw her face. Great, now he was hallucinating. Throwing another one, he saw the same thing, and she looked so sad. Yep, he was truly gone. Seeing things that weren’t there, imagining them, nonetheless, and, after throwing one more, he simply said the words only his wife should hear, “I love you.”