Mercifully, Sawyer had moved on to introducing the other members of the Fur Coat Society, many of whom also had parents on the stage. Drew and Hope joined the group, holding their toddler Nikki tightly against her protesting squirms. Silver and Jack also stood, followed by Sebastian and Lily, then Calum and Mia. Mia was holding her young son Noah in her arms, and he looked around with wide eyes at the big crowd in front of him. Last to take the stage were Juno and Wyatt, and they got quite a cheer from the crowd as well. Juno was a panda shifter, and Wyatt was a dragon shifter. Their union had joined two of the rarest shifters together, and they were quite a power couple. Juno was holding their son, Bennett, in her arms. He was less than two years old, but already able to shift into both dragon and panda form. Everyone knew Bennett was going to do remarkable things when he grew up.
“It’s truly remarkable to have all of these shifters here together,” Sawyer said. “They represent our past triumphs, and also our future. We have so many good things ahead of us, but the reason that we do is because we have always stuck together through the hard times. We would not be the clan we are today without the input of all of these amazing men and women who worked together to beat back the many enemies who tried to destroy us. And isn’t that what the Christmas season is about? Celebrating peace and unity?”
Sawyer paused as a cheer rose from the crowd, then continued. “We are blessed to enjoy this time of peace on earth. We are lucky to have survived the trials of the last several years. And, so, I want to dedicate the Frost Peak Tree this year to these clans on the stage, who have fought bravely for you, the people of Frost Peak, and for all shifters. Because of their efforts, this truly will be a Merry Christmas.”
“Huzzah!” the crowd cried. Cheers rose even louder than before, and even Finn abandoned his normally reserved demeanor and joined in. Sawyer was unable to quiet the crowd again, and finally his right hand man Anderson leaned over and shouted into the microphone. “Let’s get to decorating!”
More cheers rose, and the children in the crowd ran to the tree, all vying for a spot at the bottom where they could begin to hang brightly colored ornaments. The master of ceremonies turned on the lights, and even in the broad daylight the tree seemed to glow. The shifters responsible for serving hot chocolate and mulled wine took their places at the drink booths, and the sound of Christmas carols filled the air from the large speakers that had been set up near the wooden stage.
Finn watched as the shifter clans still on the stage greeted each other, exchanging dozens of hugs and high fives. He watched Sophia smile graciously as the shifter elders spoke to her, no doubt asking her all the questions she hated answering about her career and love life. Finn felt another small twist in his stomach as he wondered how she was answering the questions about whether she’d made any progress on finding a lifemate. They hadn’t discussed the issue themselves yet, so he had no expectation that she would publicly lay any claim to him. Still, it somehow hurt him to think about her acting like she and Finn were not together.
“What a mess I’ve gotten myself into,” Finn whispered to himself. He could feel parts of his heart awakening that had been lying dormant for decades. Quickly, he made his way to one of the mulled wine stands. If ever he needed something to take the edge off, now was the time.
The crowd in the middle of the square had thinned, and Finn found himself standing somewhat awkwardly alone. He always helped with setting up and tearing down the small wooden stage. Usually, he would have already been tearing down the stage now that Sawyer’s speech was over. But this year, it looked like the stage was going to be occupied for quite some time. The clans here for the reunion were still up there talking, and it didn’t look like their conversations were going to slow anytime soon. Finn had just started to turn to head for an inconspicuous spot near the mulled wine booth when Sophia turned and saw him. She motioned him over and he hesitated for just another second before walking over and hopping onto the stage next to her in one giant leap.
“Daddy, this is Finn, my new friend I was telling you about,” Sophia said. “He’s the one who took me out to see the woods yesterday. Finn, this is my father, Zach Brooks.”
Finn had to admit that he felt a little starstruck standing right in front of Zach. Finn had seen the members of the Burning Claws Clan from afar, but he’d never met them up close. Zach was taller than he expected, and he carried himself like a noble would have back in the days when clans still had kings and lords. When Zach turned his eyes to meet Finn’s, Finn felt like he could see right through him.
“Mr. Brooks,” Finn said, nodding his head deferentially and extending his hand.
Zach took his hand and shook it firmly, raising an eyebrow in Finn’s direction. Finn knew from the way Zach looked at him that he suspected there was more than just a friendship developing between Sophia and Finn.
“Please, call me Zach. It’s nice to meet you, son.”
Finn nodded, and Zach gave his hand one more squeeze before turning to speak with the next person who was waiting for his attention. Finn turned his eyes to Sophia, who was looking even more anxious than usual.
“He knows,” she said. “I didn’t tell him anything, but he knows somehow that we bonded. Did you see that look in his eyes when he shook your hand?”
“How could I miss it?” Finn asked, rubbing his hand where it was slightly red from the strength of Zach’s grip.
“What are we going to do?” Sophia asked, her voice low as she glanced over at the other shifters on the stage.
Finn furrowed his brow and glanced at his watch. It would be two hours before the feast started, and there was really no rush to get the stage deconstructed. He looked up at Sophia, whose lovely eyes looked uncertain and scared. His bear rose up within him, feeling protective and fierce. He knew in that moment that he had to find a way to make a life with Sophia work. True, he had barely met her. But he felt like he had known her forever. Their souls were intertwined, and he had bonded with her. As difficult as it would be, it was time to make room for love again in his life. And that meant he had to be honest with Sophia about the demons of fear he still wrestled with.
“Come on,” he said to Sophia. “Let’s get you a mug of mulled wine and then go for a walk.”
He took a deep breath, then hopped off the stage to turn around and offer her his hand to jump down as well.
She paused for a moment, then, with a big smile, trusted her hand to his.
Chapter Nine
Sophia held her mug of mulled wine tightly in her gloved hands. The morning had been stressful, to say the least. She should have known that her father would want to drag her on stage with him. He never missed an opportunity to show her off, despite the fact that she wasn’t quite sure what she had done that was worth showing off about. She should be happy that he believed in her so much, she supposed. And she was glad that he loved her so much. She just wished he would find a way to express that love that didn’t involve her being put smack in the middle of a crowd of high-powered shifters who all had questions about what she wanted to do with her life.
They all meant well. But Sophia’s heart couldn’t take much more of this. She felt like a failure when it came to actually accomplishing things in her life. And she was more confused than ever when it came to her love life. She glanced over at Finn. He was holding a mug of mulled wine as well, and he looked troubled.
Sophia looked away. She knew he felt the lifemate bond, too. And she knew he cared about her. But something was bothering him. Something more than just the fact that there were logistical problems with their relationship, since they both lived in different states. She wanted to tell him to just spit it out, but she got the sense that he needed time to formulate exactly what he was going to say. It took another five minutes of silent walking for him to finally speak.
“I’ve spent the last ten Christmases alone, Sophia. And I hate spending Christmas alone. There isn’t much that feels lonelier to me than sitting by myself in front of a Christmas tree
. But there’s something I hate even more than being alone.”
He paused, and Sophia resisted the urge to push him to keep talking. He would continue when he was ready.
“I hate losing someone I love,” he finally said. “There is nothing as painful as learning that you’ll never again see someone whom you loved so deeply that the very fabric of who they are is woven into your soul. When I lost my parents, I spent the better part of a year feeling like I couldn’t breathe. The world continued on around me, but I was standing still, gasping for breath, trying to comprehend how everything could go so wrong in the blink of an eye.”
He paused again as emotion filled his voice. Sophia waited while he regained his pride and composure before continuing.
“I vowed never to love again,” he said. “And I’ve kept that vow for a long time. After all, if I never love deeply, I would never know the pain of loss again. I’ve been happy to deal with the loneliness, because it meant I would never have to deal with loss. But then you walked into my bar, and everything changed. From the first moment I saw you, I knew you were going to be damn near impossible to resist. Your soul called to my soul, and I couldn’t help but answer. I knew deep down that if I slept with you, we would bond. My head told me to run in the other direction, but my heart could only beat when I was running toward you.”
Sophia felt her own heart beating faster at his words. He was a man of deep emotions, defying the façade of his gruff exterior. She could tell how much he already loved and cared for her, and she felt a familiar quickening in the very core of her being. Surely, if he cared so much for her, they could find a way to make the distance work. She was even willing to move here, if he would have her. She just had no idea what kind of work she would find. But surely, there would be something. It’s not like her career was going anywhere back in San Francisco, anyway.
“The problem, sweet Sophia, is that no matter how much I love you, the demon of fear is always dragging me down. When I worry about losing someone I love, I put up a wall. The few times I tried to date after my parents’ death, I drove my girlfriends away because as soon as things started to get good between us I would pull away. And I’m afraid of doing the same thing with you.”
Finn looked over at her, his eyes earnest.
“I love you, Sophia. I love you so much. And that’s what scares me. I know you’re my lifemate. I know we’re meant to be together. But you are so wonderful. You deserve someone you can count on. Someone who will be there for you no matter what. And I’m not sure I can be that for you. What if we figure out a way to be together, to live in the same city, and then I bolt?”
Sophia looked over at his desperate eyes, and her heart went out to him.
“You’re afraid of loving too much,” she said softly.
He nodded, his eyes still pleading with her to understand. Sophia gripped her mug tighter as she looked up to the top of the snow-covered pine trees.
“I don’t know what it feels like to lose a parent,” Sophia said. “I mean, I lost my biological mom, but I was too young to really understand what was going on. But I do know what it feels like to be lonely. And I know what it feels like to be afraid of things. And all I can say is that I truly believe, deep down, that there are a few things in life that are so amazing that they are worth the great risks they bring with them. If you have a lifemate, there is always a risk you will lose them. But if you’re truly meant to be with someone, every day with them is a treasure. It’s better to enjoy that treasure while you can than to run from it in fear of what could be.”
Finn looked down at his hands, his brow furrowed again as he struggled with his thoughts. “I know that’s true. But I don’t know how to live with these demons of fear. I’m afraid I’ll end up running and hurting you in the end.”
“You’re a strong man, Finn,” Sophia said. “And proud, too. I know you think you’re better off alone. And, honestly, I call bullshit on this whole thing you keep saying about being afraid of hurting me. You use that as a shield, to make yourself sound good. After all, who can fault you for not wanting to hurt someone else? But your real fear isn’t that you’ll break down and leave. It’s that I’ll leave. That I’ll die. That you’ll lose me and have to face the pain of losing a family member.”
Finn was silent, so Sophia pushed him.
“Am I wrong, Finn?” she said.
He sighed. “No, you’re right,” he said. “I’m more afraid of my own pain than anything else, even of hurting you. How can I be a good lifemate, though, when I’m wrapped up in so much fear?”
“We all have our struggles, Finn,” Sophia said. “But, like my daddy always told me, the greatest way to overcome our fears is to face them.”
Finn looked over at her, a challenge in his eyes. “If we all have our struggles, than what are yours, Sophia? What are you afraid of?”
Sophia took a deep breath. She had figured this question would come, and she’d been wrestling with how to answer it. Her fears were very real to her, but they sounded petty next to the things that Finn worried about. But if she and Finn were going to make this work, they had to be honest with each other.
“I’m afraid of never doing anything with my life that matters,” she said.
Finn looked up at her in surprise. Whatever he had thought she was going to say, that clearly wasn’t it. “What do you mean?” he asked.
Sophia shrugged. “I haven’t done anything to be proud of. My mom is a nurse, and has quite literally saved people’s lives. She also runs an orphanage, and helps children find families who will love them and raise them as their own. My dad jumps out of airplanes on a daily basis, and saves California’s forests from being completely burned away. My brother helped freaking save the world. And me? I worked as a secretary for an asshole boss. It took me seven years to work up the audacity to quit. And now I’m unemployed with no clue what to do next. That would be cute if I was a young twenty-year-old or something. But I’m not twenty anymore. I’m past thirty and it’s time for me to figure out a plan. And this time of year is an awful time to feel lost and confused. Everyone is gearing up for the New Year, making plans and resolutions. But I don’t even know what resolution to make. I don’t know what job to look for.”
“What do you really want to do?” Finn asked. “What would you do if you could do anything you wanted to?”
Sophia frowned. She hated that question. It was the same question all the elders always asked her when they admonished her that she needed to take her career seriously. “I don’t know, Finn,” she said. “And that’s the problem.”
Finn looked at her as though he didn’t really believe her. “Okay, well, what did you want to be when you were a little girl?” he asked.
Sophia paused and thought for a moment. “Uh, for a while I wanted to be a veterinarian. But then I realized that I’d have to give animals shots if I did that, so I changed my mind. I was obsessed for a long time with the idea of filming wildlife documentaries. I used to watch the Nature channel on TV and think about how cool it would be to have my own nature show.”
“So why don’t you do that?” Finn asked, as though it were as simple as that.
Sophia laughed. “I don’t have any experience with it. And besides, there’s not a lot of nature in the city of San Francisco. Although I guess there are some good forests nearby.”
“There’s a lot of nature here in Frost Peak,” Finn said matter-of-factly.
Sophia felt her breath catch in her throat. Was he inviting her to move here with him? And, more importantly, would she actually be willing to do that? She’d been tossing around the idea, but it had seemed so impossible when she tried to think about what job she could do. Finn was right, though. If she wanted to do nature documentaries, this was one of the best places for her to be. There was no shortage of wilderness here in Alaska. But how long would it take for her to make money from her documentaries? She had a feeling it was a tough field to break into.
“I don’t have a lot of savings, Finn,�
� she said. “And it might be a while before—”
“Don’t worry about the fucking money,” Finn said, cutting her off. “My parents left me more money than I know what to do with. You can move here and stay with me. I can help you get whatever equipment you need for your documentary company. You can follow your dreams, Sophia, and do work that means something to you. Isn’t that what you want?”
“Well, yes,” Sophia said. “But I want to make my own way. I don’t want to do it on someone else’s dime.”
“Why the hell not?” Finn asked. “I’ve got plenty of money that’s not being used for anything good. I would be overjoyed to have you use it to follow your dreams. And I would love the chance to take care of you. That’s what lifemates do, Sophia. They take care of each other. This isn’t some sort of macho, patronizing thing where I’m trying to make you feel like you need a knight in shining armor. If that’s what you want, you’re going to be disappointed, anyway, because I’m no knight. This is about the fact that I love you and I want to see you happy. I’m afraid of loving, but you’re willing to let me love you despite that. And you’re afraid of never doing anything that matters, but I can support you in your effort to make your films. And clearly, we’re bonded to each other, we’re attracted to each other, and we’re meant to be together.”
Finn paused in the middle of his rant, as though he needed to catch his breath. Sophia was holding her breath herself, surprised by how passionate Finn had suddenly become. When he took charge like this, almost getting in her face, it made him even sexier than he already was. The muscles in his broad neck twitched with emotion as he looked over at her.
Christmas in a Fur Coat (The Fur Coat Society Book 7) Page 7