As soon as the guards were out of earshot, Bill whispered to the llamas, “I’m not fat and remember the plan. We have to get inside the buildings.”
Uncle Shawn caught sight of Guinevere and Ginalolobrigida and Linvizzygirl and his best friend Bill through the window and smiled to himself and then pretended to be a very tall rabbit, hippety-hopping across the floor while everyone laughed.
Then Uncle Shawn held up his hands, “Shooooosh. I need your help. Hani, Angus, Hughie, Margaret, Liam, all of you, I need you to remember what you were like before you were brought here. I need you to remember all the Unusual things you did. You there!” He pointed at the very smallest inmate. “What did you do?”
The smallest inmate looked a bit nervous. “I used to like hanging over the edge of my bed with my head upside down and saying, Wheeee.”
“Wonderful! Then you should try doing that now.”
The smallest inmate lay over the edge of the mattress platform with his head upside down and said, quietly at first, “Wheeee.” And then when Uncle Shawn grinned at him and clapped his hands, the smallest inmate suddenly said, “I’ve remembered! I am not Inmate Number 4333. I am Jamie! And my mum is Katie! And she is somewhere in here, too! And I can go, WHOOOOOOO! WHEEEEE! WHAAAAAA!”
All the other inmates cheered and Uncle Shawn asked, “And what about you, Hani?”
Hani said, “I would pretend I was a parrot and I would only speak in a parrot voice until someone would give me a peanut.”
“Perfect!” said Uncle Shawn. “Try it now!”
After that all the inmates were calling out ways they had of being Unusual. Soon the whole dormitory was full of people pretending to be dragons, or burping “This Badger’s Gotta Move”, or farting and pretending that their farts were rocket-powered and running up and down. And Inmate Alice pretended to be a squid. She looked more like a squid than a lot of squids. She was amazing.
Uncle Shawn whistled for quiet. “What I need now is for everyone in all the dormitories to remember who they really are and what their Unusualnesses are. Then we will all be as Unusual as we can together and Doctor P’Klawz will have the worst brain ache ever and his shins will itch as much as underpants full of sand and his teeth will sound like millions of fingernails on blackboards. So after three we’ll shout to them, ‘REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE! REMEMBER YOUR UNUSUALNESS!’ And then we’ll shout, ‘AFTER THREE, BE UNUSUAL!’”
So everyone in Uncle Shawn’s dormitory shouted together, “REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE! REMEMBER YOUR UNUSUALNESS!”
They waited for a tiny while. Then Uncle Shawn conducted everyone in his dormitory by waving his arms and together they all shouted, “AFTER THREE, BE UNUSUAL!”
“ONE!”
“TWO!”
“THREE!”
Suddenly the whole Institution was full of the noises of Unusualness.
Little girls and boys were squeaking like bats and tooting like trumpets, and inmates were raspberry-blowing and imitating queasy camels. Jamie could hear his mum Katie making the sounds of sharks on holiday – the way she used to when they were having fun at bath time.
There were sounds no one had ever heard before because they were PAJIMMINY-CRIMMINY UNUSUAL.
SECTION NINETEEN
In which we learn the right way to wear a guard’s cap and the grey guards finally get to have some fun – even though they still can’t play table tennis. And Uncle Shawn’s plan and Bill’s plan are almost ready to meet in the middle.
Henry Witherbottom could hear all the Unusualness from where he was sitting in the guards’ recreation room – which only had three jigsaw puzzles (with pieces missing) and a table-tennis table with no net and no bats because P’Klawz didn’t want the grey guards to have fun. The other guards heard the Unusual noises, too. But Henry ignored them and kept on reading his book about how to grow rhubarb (he liked rhubarb). He also very gently sang “Old MacDonald Had a Farm” in chicken noises.
“Bock-bock bock-bock
Bock bock bock
Bock-bock bock-bock bock.”
And then he smiled and tipped his hat back so that he could feel more relaxed and (he thought) look a bit like a sea captain.
The rest of the guards felt much happier after that. They didn’t do anything about the Unusualness either. They snoozed, or made mugs of orange squash and chatted, or knitted socks. One of the guards, called Amanda, did a little dance in her big guard’s boots that looked a lot like the Clog and Smock Dance that Uncle Shawn had invented. When she’d finished, some of the other guards clapped. It was the best day they could remember having in the Institution.
In all of the dormitories, all kinds of Unusualness continued.
But in Uncle Shawn’s dormitory, everyone was quiet and still, because Guard 5555 and Guard 5557 had marched in to take Uncle Shawn away. They looked very fierce and frowned a lot.
They frowned even more when Uncle Shawn said, “Ah, how wonderful! I have been waiting for you. Now let’s see if we can find out more about squishing…”
Guard 5555 wasn’t used to people being happy around him, so he poked Uncle Shawn in the ribs. Guard 5557 laughed. They were horrible people.
And they led Uncle Shawn away.
While he walked between them, Uncle Shawn thought, “I know that my friends have a plan… I just have to wait. And then they will rescue me. I do not want to be squished, not even a tiny bit… I wonder what will happen? If I am rescued, it will be the best day ever! If I am squished, it will not be good at all.”
Uncle Shawn hoped that Unusualness could save him.
“It isn’t much of a plan, but I think it is enough of a plan.”
They marched on.
Of course, all this Unusualness was making Dr P’Klawz feel Unusually Ill. He was still with Brian in disguise (and Brian’s big llama bottom, which wasn’t disguised at all) and the Tweed-Faced Boy. P’Klawz was trying to lead them to the Unusualness Assessment Room, but his shins were so prickly and hot that his socks were smouldering. His teeth sounded like a navy full of mice singing sea shanties and pulling on pulleys that needed oiling.
“This way – skreeeeee. If you would follow – skreeeeeeee – me,” managed P’Klawz.
It was lucky that there was such a din, because otherwise the noise of Brian’s knees knocking would have been as loud as coconuts rolling down a cobbled street. The deeper he went into the Institution, the more he worried. The Tweed-Faced Boy rubbed one of Brian’s ears to make him feel braver.
Through the windows, Brian could see Guinevere and Ginalolobrigida Llama, and their shapely, undisguised llama bottoms, being given a tour of the grounds by Peter and Hamish the guards. (They were all looking at the bin shed. It was the prettiest part of the whole Institution. The guards often came and looked at it for hours.)
Brian did some quick thinking before P’Klawz caught sight of the llama bottoms. “Perhaps please may we get away from the Unusualness and maybe climb a tower to be far away from it?”
“SKREEEEE!” said P’Klawz. “I mean, yes. I have an towice in my offer. I mean, an office in my SKREEEEEEE. Come with me.”
And P’Klawz almost ran towards the curly, twirly staircase that wound up the tower.
SKREEEEEEEEEEEEE.
SECTION TWENTY
In which (in case you are wondering) we return to the Unusual cloud rolling and rumbling along towards the Institution… The cloud has llama ears sticking out of it and, if you listen very carefully, is giggling in a Peruvian accent.
While Unusualness was breaking out all over, a large black cloud rolled along the road that led to the Institution. Hamish and Peter the gate guards didn’t notice it, because they were on their tour with Guinevere and Ginalolobrigida and, at that very moment, were discussing how often the drains got blocked.
So the cloud rolled silently in through the gate, which had been left wide open. It rolled across the exercise yard and then leaned against the wall of P’Klawz’s high grey tower.
And then – and I’m s
ure you will agree this was Pajimminy-Crimminy Unusual – the cloud began to climb the tower…
This was because Carlos had agreed to walk all the way to the Institution inside a cloud made of spiders all holding hands. They had lots of eyes and told him which way to go by tickling his whiskers.
That was why the cloud had llama ears.
I wonder what the spiders will do next..?
SECTION TWENTY-ONE
In which there is some Unusually Peculiar singing and some Unusually Wobbly dancing, which will hide our view of an Unusually Lovely bin shed. And also – oh no! A bit of Bill’s plan is missing!
As you will remember, Ginalolobrigida was pretending to be the famous Peruvian film star Ginalolobrigida Magnifica, and Guinevere was pretending to be her assistant. Linvizzygirl was pretending to be a usual kind of little girl: skipping and pointing at clouds, and trying not to scratch her nose or lick her lips because that would wipe off the make-up that was covering up her invisibility.
Poor Badger Bill was still having to pretend he was a Lithuanian Badger Spaniel. The dog collar was rubbing his neck and people were being very rude about him having a large nose for a dog. And in his big, golden heart, Bill was really worried about his best friend, Uncle Shawn. “Oh, Uncle Shawn, I hope you are OK and they haven’t already squished you.”
“What was that?” asked Peter the guard – who was by now very much in love with Ginalolobrigida.
“Woof. Grrrr…” said Bill.
Ginalolobrigida laughed in her best ladylike, film-star way. “Oh, sometimes it’s as if he’s talking. He may be tubby, but he is so clever. Ow!” She didn’t mean to say “Ow!” but Bill had kicked one of her legs.
Hamish the guard, who was very much in love with Guinevere, said dreamily, “We should really go back to the gates now – it’s not allowed for strangers to be in the Institution.”
“WOOF,” said Bill. This was to remind the llama ladies that they needed to remember the plan. “WOOF!”
“I will bend down to listen to my dog’s silly, tubby woofing,” declared Guinevere. “Because I am not a selfish actress, I have time to listen to all the creatures of the world.” And she lowered her head so that Bill could whisper to her.
Not to be outdone, Ginalolobrigida said, “As the world’s most famous and gorgeous actress, I help orphans and dolphins and all kinds of creatures. I also shall listen to the silly, stripy dog.”
Bill whispered to them both, “I am not tubby.”
“We are just pretending,” Ginalolobrigida whispered back.
Bill growled, “Linvizzygirl and I have to get away. Distract the guards. We have to rescue Uncle Shawn before he gets squished! WOOF!”
So Guinevere stood up straight and announced, “And now, Ginalolobrigida Magnifica will sing for you!”
“What?” squeaked Ginalolobrigida.
“Yes! She will sing one of her famous songs.”
Ginalolobrigida, of course, didn’t really know any songs. “Why don’t you sing, my assistant?”
“No. You are the famous film star. I am just the assistant.”
Peter and Hamish clapped their hands. “Oh, wonderful! A real Peruvian film star’s real Peruvian singing.”
So Ginalolobrigida decided to do her best. “I will sing a wonderful traditional song of Peru – ‘Mi Corazón Esta Aplastado’.”
Not to be outdone, Guinevere added, “And I will dance!”
“Oooh…” sighed the two guards. They leaned romantically against the bin shed as Guinevere began wiggling back and forth – without revealing her llama bottom.
Ginalolobrigida continued, ‘Mi Corazón Esta Aplastado’ means ‘My Heart is Squished’. It is a sad song about a lovely llama – I mean, lady – whose heart is broken by a cruel man in a hat.’
Ginalolobrigida started to sing. She was not exactly the best singer in the world, or even near the bin shed, but she hit lots of very high, wibbly notes and rolled her eyes very impressively.
The guards were astonished and watched her every move – when they weren’t looking at Guinevere’s alarming dancing.
Bill and Linvizzygirl sneaked away.
“Oh no! I didn’t remember my lock-picking tools,” said Bill.
“Do you own lock-picking tools?” asked Linvizzygirl, quickly rubbing off her make-up and throwing away her cardigan as they ran.
“No…” sighed Bill. “I don’t even know how to pick a lock. This bit is a gap where there is no plan!”
But then Bill saw the window of the guards’ recreation room and he invented a new piece of plan, just like that! He was a resourceful badger.
By this time, Linvizzygirl was invisible again, which made her feel much safer, since she was so close to P’Klawz and his nastiness.
Bill jumped as high in the air as he could – which wasn’t very high, because he only had short legs and was still pretending to be a Lithuanian Badger Spaniel. Fortunately, after about five minutes of breathless jumping, Bill heard Henry Witherbottom shout to the other grey guards, “Look! A puppy! Aw!”
Moments later, a squash of guards ran round to a side door, opened it and raced to where Bill was lying on the ground, getting his breath back.
“Oh, look! He’s lying down. Maybe he needs hugs. Maybe he needs tickles. Maybe he needs a biscuit. Who has dog food?” called the guards as they all tried to pick Bill up and stroke his fur and tickle his nose.
Bill thought, “This is what it must feel like when you are the parcel in Pass the Parcel. Which is why no one ever volunteers to be the parcel…”
Henry Witherbottom – who had always wanted a dog – rubbed Bill’s ears and said, “He needs love! Let’s take him inside to our room!”
And that was how Bill got into the Institution. And Linvizzygirl invisibly sneaked in after him.
SECTION TWENTY-TWO
In which— Oh, but what has happened to Uncle Shawn? He was taken away to be squished and maybe that has already happened! We can hardly look…
Uncle Shawn was inside the Squishing Room!
He was trying not to look at the Squishing Machine, because it was the most terrible and horrible and blood-curdling thing anyone had ever seen. Guard 5555 was polishing its dials and Guard 5557 was adjusting its straps.
Uncle Shawn wanted to hold Bill’s paw and maybe have a hug. He didn’t want to be in this dreadful room, with this dreadful machine.
He really hoped that Bill was coming for him and that everyone else was helping.
“I just have to keep delaying things for as long as possible,” thought Uncle Shawn. He studied 5555 and 5557, and noticed that 5557 had a smear on his boots and 5555’s hat wasn’t straight.
“I will start with that,” he told himself.
Then Uncle Shawn said to 5557, “5555 is tilting his hat Unusually to one side.” He knew that people like 5555 and 5557 wanted everyone and everything to be perfect all the time, but Uncle Shawn also knew that being perfect is impossible. “And 5557 has an Unusual mark on his boot, doesn’t he, 5555? Maybe he was trying to spread jam on his toecap. That would be Very Unusual, wouldn’t it?”
The guards ignored him. But they looked at each other with suspicion as they prepared the great big gargantunormous Squishing Machine.
“Oh, Bill – do be quite quick, please,” thought Uncle Shawn.
Let’s hope Bill gets there soon. Otherwise – SQUISHING!
SECTION TWENTY-THREE
In which Carlos Llama stands in the middle of the Institution exercise yard. And we wonder what he is going to do.
In the Institution exercise yard, Carlos shook his head and a large, cheerful spider bounced down on a delicate rope of spider silk.
It was Claude.
He slowly paid out more silk, then landed on the ground and trotted away on seven of his legs. He was waving goodbye with the other one.
This was Pajimminy-Crimminy Unusual.
Very soon, Carlos Llama is going to blow his whistle and all kinds of things are going to happen al
l at once.
I’m not sure that I can wait…
SECTION TWENTY-FOUR
In which Bill gets tickled and Brian nearly loses his gloves (which is a problem because they are pretending to be his hands …) and both halves of the plan join together. I do hope this means that everyone is all right and no one gets squished!
While the guards were taking turns to tickle Bill’s tummy and Linvizzygirl was searching the Institution, P’Klawz led Brian and the Tweed-Faced Boy up the twirly stairs to his office and took them inside.
But – oh no – after so much twirly climbing, Brian could feel his arms (which were made of his own plaited llama fur, you will remember) slowly coming undone and his gloves were working loose. His knees knocked like all the postmen in the world. His borrowed hat was getting in his eyes and he here he was – trapped up in a high tower with the nasty, nasty P’Klawz! “If the plan does not work, I will be squished for sure,” he thought. “Oh, I do not think I will like being squished…”
Brian and the Tweed-Faced Boy were waiting for Carlos to blow the whistle, which would let everyone know that both halves of the plan were going to meet in the middle. “Maybe the whistle has already blown but I have not heard it,” Brian thought. “Maybe my ears have stopped working… Oh no. EMERGENCIA! My ears are broken.”
But Brian kept on pretending to be a human person. He tried to look around the office as if he wasn’t scared. He stared at the velvety thick black carpet under the desk and the framed certificates P’Klawz had on his walls. “I am not afraid of the certificates,” Brian thought. “They are silly pieces of paper and do not scare me at all.” He felt proud for a moment and nearly grinned.
Uncle Shawn and Bill and the Pajimminy-Crimminy Unusual Adventure Page 7