It seemed weird for him to ask my favorite rule-out question. He listened intently as I got on my soapbox about black television programming and its effect on the African American community and especially our youth. I told him my dreams about television, movies, and theatre. “The media is one of the most effective means of communicating the Kingdom. I can reach people who may never go to church or watch Dr. Creflo Dollar, Bishop Eddie Long or Bishop Jakes on television. They might see something in a movie or television show that could change their life.”
I went on for a while, with him smiling and nodding the whole time. I knew I was going too long, but he listened like I was the most interesting person on earth.
I finally made myself stop by shoving cheese and crackers into my mouth. I asked him, “So what’s your ultimate?”
“My life is all about worship. I want to teach people intimacy with God through worship. I don’t want to be an entertainer. I’m not trying to make millions selling records. Not trying to get famous, except for the sake of having a platform to minister the Kingdom. If I can lead one person closer to the presence of God, then I’ve achieved my purpose here on earth.”
It was my turn to nod and smile.
He hung his head for a second. “I guess I’ve had to change my idea of what success is over the years, and that’s where I am now. It was difficult for a while. My brother and sister are real successful by the world’s standards. She’s a big-time entertainment lawyer. He’s a professor at Howard. They’ve really made my parents proud. I’m not like them. They like to stay in one place and like working for the system. I think it was the way we grew up, living from place to place all over the world. They prefer stability. I guess I’m more like my parents. More free-spirited and sold out to ministry than attached to material things.”
“I think you’re successful. Success is not about having a profession according to society’s idea of success. Success is doing what you’re called to do and being happy doing it. You should never apologize for that.”
He smiled and lay back on the blanket, staring up at the sky. “Thanks, Michelle.”
I lay back and stared up at the sky, too. He inched over closer to me. It felt funny being horizontal next to him. It wasn’t like he was doing anything, but the feel of his muscular arm against mine and the occasional brushes of his leg against me started a little heat to rise. It was shameful, but it didn’t take much for me. I tried to focus on the nature around us.
A hot summer breeze waved across us, and the trees rippled in response. I heard ducks on the lake squawking at each other. I laughed inwardly, remembering my last experience with ducks on a lake. Thankfully, the St. John’s Wort had worked its magic on me over the last couple of months, and except for an occasional freak-out moment, my mood was much more stable on my hormone days. It hadn’t done anything to deal with the horny monster though.
The thought of tussling with him later made me sit up.
Isaiah looked up at me. “You okay?”
I nodded and scooched away from him a little.
He sat up and pulled out his guitar. “I’ve been working on this new song. Want to hear it? Here it go.” He chuckled. “Really. Let me know what you think.”
He strummed a few chords on the guitar and began singing. The words about being in the secret place with God touched a special place in my soul. He sang about the secret place being the safest place where one could get lost in the joy of the Lord. Made me think of snuggling under my comforter with the Holy Spirit, without a care in the world. Isaiah had a poetic way with words that made me almost see what he was singing.
“You like?” he asked after he played the final chords of the song.
“I like. That was beautiful. You’re really going to impact a lot of people’s lives with your music. It’s clearly what you were born to do.”
He smiled and bowed his head like I had embarrassed him. If Isaiah ever did come to church with me, there would be no reason to do the worship test. He clearly had an intimate relationship with God.
We sat and talked for a while longer, finishing off all the food in the picnic basket.
As evening approached, a cool breeze from the lake stirred, and the mosquitoes started to gather. I let Isaiah know it was time to go. I wasn’t trying to get bit.
He walked me to my car. I wasn’t ready for the evening to end, but I was sleepy from the night before and needed to get some rest before church in the morning.
“So, will I see you again? Soon?” Isaiah asked.
I nodded. “Yeah. I think I’d like that.”
His face broke into a big grin. “Good. I’d like that too.”
He gave me a hug. I felt myself melting in his arms. I knew I stayed there too long, but my affection-starved body wasn’t trying to let go. He kissed me on the cheek and slowly pulled away from me.
He held the car door open for me and waited until I got in and shut the door behind me. He leaned down into the open window. “Thanks, Michelle. I’m glad you called. Call me when you have time, and we’ll hang out again.”
When I got home, showered and got into bed, I knew my attempts at sleep wouldn’t be any better than they had been earlier that day. I couldn’t stop thinking about everything Isaiah had said. The song he sang. His passion. How I felt safe and secure in his arms. How sweet his kiss felt on my cheek. I wondered for a minute about all his talk about being a free spirit, not attached to the material world, but that contemplation got lost in remembering how his arms felt around me.
I finally drifted off to sleep at one in the morning with the overwhelming question looming in my mind. Was Isaiah the one?
twenty-four
With all that had been going on at work, it had been weeks since I had spent any quality time with my girls. I basically worked all day and fell into bed every night. I saw them at church on Sundays, but had to leave right after to either write, edit with Jason, or catch up on some sleep.
We decided to go out to dinner after church on Sunday. I was still a little sleepy from my late-night taping on Friday and then being up all night thinking about my date on Saturday, but I missed them and needed some girl time. And I couldn’t wait to tell them about Isaiah.
Me, Lisa, Vanessa, and Nicole sat around a table at Houston’s in Buckhead. Angela had been missing in action from church for about two months. Lisa had been calling her almost daily. At first, she answered and didn’t talk much, but lately, she hadn’t answered at all. We were all worried but didn’t know what to do.
Lisa, Vanessa, and Nicole watched me intently as I told them about Isaiah, from his first audition up to our date the day before. I wondered if I was glowing like Angela used to.
I stopped talking for a minute when the waitress brought over our meals. “I think he’s rich, or at least, very well-off. Now, you guys know me. I’m not a gold digger, but dang—it helps, you know?”
Nicole held up a hand to interrupt me for a second and bowed her head to bless the food. We all prayed for a few seconds, then I launched right back into my Isaiah story.
“I hope I don’t sound materialistic, but it would be wonderful to be financially secure. Completely different from being with my ex, where I was responsible for everything. It would be cool not to have to work so hard. Maybe take a break from work and create some pilots for my show ideas.”
“Wait a minute, girl. You just met the man, and you’re already married, and quitting your job? Slow it down.” Vanessa cut off a large piece of her steak and took a bite.
“I’m not talking about marrying him. The thought crosses your mind when you’re getting to know someone. You look at everything about them to see if they match what’s on your list. He’s definitely godly. Definitely financially well-off. You should see his house. It’s fabulous—out there in Sandstone Estates in Lithonia. And he drives a Hummer. Like I said, you guys know me and I’m not materialistic, but it’s nice to have nice things. And he’s talented and shares my love for music and the arts. He’s sweet and
affectionate. And he gets me. He can read me like a book—like God gave him the key to my heart. What more could I ask?”
“A lot more. A bunch of questions for sure.” Nicole poured a huge dollop of ketchup on her fries. “Number one, how does he afford his house and car as a musician? I’ve never heard of him before, so he can’t be that big.”
“I don’t know.” I grabbed a fry off her plate. “I didn’t ask him for a breakdown of his financials. It was a first date.”
“Girl, something ain’t right. You sure he ain’t selling drugs or something?” Nicole swatted my hand away when I tried to reach for another French fry.
Lisa was distracted, barely participating in the conversation.
“Lisa, are you with us? What’s wrong?” I asked.
“I’m worried about Angie. This is the seventh Sunday in a row she’s missed church. Something must be really wrong.”
“I think we all know what’s wrong.” Vanessa scooped the butter out of her baked potato and pushed it to the side of her plate. “She’ll be okay. When she forgives herself, she’ll be back. Just keep praying for her.”
“Yeah, but what if something is really wrong? Don’t you think we need to check on her?”
“You said you’ve been calling and she won’t answer the phone, right? What else can we do?” I looked at my salad, then at Nicole’s huge burger and fries. She made a face that said don’t even think about it.
“We should show up at her house. She might be mad at us, but we’ll have to take that chance.” Lisa looked at her watch. “We should go when we leave here. Even if she went to Augusta this weekend, she’d be back by now to get ready for work tomorrow.” Lisa looked around the table at us. “You guys with me?”
We all looked at each other and nodded. She rushed us through the rest of our meal, and we were on our way.
Lisa rang the doorbell while the rest of us stood hiding by the garage. We figured Angela might be more likely to answer if she only saw one person standing there. We’d come out after she opened the door.
Lisa cupped her hands around her eyes and peered through one of the small windows framing the door. She called out to us, “The television is on, and I can see Bishop Jakes preaching. I think I see her head on the couch. She’s either ’sleep or ignoring me.” She rang the doorbell again and again and stood there waiting.
After a few minutes, she banged on the door and yelled, “Angie, if you don’t let me in, I’m going to make a scene, and all your neighbors are gonna be out here wondering what’s going on.”
A few seconds later, Lisa banged on the door some more, screaming, “Open the door. I’m not going anywhere.” Her voice escalated until I was sure someone would call the police.
Finally, the door opened, and Angie stepped out in a bathrobe. “Have you lost your mind? What is your problem, making all that noise out here?” She looked from left to right, I guess, to see if any of her neighbors had noticed. She finally stood with her hands on her hips in front of Lisa. “You couldn’t call first? What’s your problem?”
Lisa’s mouth fell open. “I’ve been calling you for weeks. You won’t answer your phone. What’s your problem?” They stood facing each other off for a few minutes.
Then Angie’s shoulders slumped and started shaking. Lisa pulled her into her arms and held her while she sobbed. Me, Vanessa, and Nicole came out of our hiding place and joined Lisa with a group hug.
Angela pulled back for a second when she felt the other arms around her. As she looked into each of our faces, she cried harder.
We ushered her into the house. It was a wreck. Angela was normally borderline obsessive-compulsive about keeping her house clean.
Lisa and Vanessa pushed blankets and crumpled tissues off the couch and sat down with Angela between them. Me and Nicole moved books off the loveseat and sat down across from them. It looked like Angela had pulled every spiritual self-help book off her shelf.
Vanessa spoke first, “Sorry for showing up unannounced, but we were worried about you. We hadn’t seen or heard much from you since that last time at Lisa’s house.” She cradled a sobbing Angela in her arms and rocked her. “Sweetie, you know we love you. Whatever is going on, we’re here for you. There’s nothing bad enough that should separate you from your best friends and God.”
Angela cried harder.
Nicole got up and muted the television. Bishop Jakes was whooping pretty loud, and it sounded weird mixed with Angela’s sobs.
Vanessa rubbed her back. “Sweetie, tell us what’s wrong.” Angela sniffled. She accepted a tissue Lisa offered her and blew her nose. Her whole face was swollen. “You guys were right. I should have listened. I messed up. Again and again and again.” She sobbed harder.
Vanessa continued rubbing her back. “Angie, we understand how you feel. But you have to find a way to forgive yourself. God has already forgiven you. You need to receive it and His joy and come back to church. Ask Him to help you get back on track.”
Angela shook her head. “You don’t understand. I messed up real bad.”
Lisa pushed Angela’s hair out of her face. “We do understand, honey. We’ve all been there.”
Angela shook her head again. “No, it’s worse than that.” We could barely hear her next words because of her choking sobs. “I’m . . . I’m pregnant.”
None of us could move or speak. The only sound in the room was the quiet buzz of the muted television and Angela’s ragged sobs. She looked around the room at each of us—stunned into silence—and cried harder. “What do I do?” She said it over and over.
Vanessa came out of her momentary shock to hug Angela. “Shhh, sweetie, it’s going to be okay. We’re here for you, and we’ll walk through this together.”
Nicole, Lisa, and I stared at each other, eyes open wide. It was every church girl’s worst nightmare. I remember the few missed periods before I got married that terrified me down the aisle. I was sure we’d each had our own share of pregnancy scares.
When Angela quieted down, Vanessa asked her, “What did Gary say?”
Angela sniffled. “That he loves me and wants to marry me. And that even though this wasn’t the timing and the circumstances he had imagined, he knew from the first time we talked that God had sent me to him and that I was his wife. He said it was up to me whether I wanted to get married as soon as possible or wait awhile.”
Lisa patted her back. “That’s wonderful, Angie. See—God is going to work this all out.”
Angela shook her head. “This wasn’t the way I wanted things to happen. I wanted to have a happy, beautiful wedding day—now everything’s going to be rushed and covered with a cloud of shame. I’ve waited all my life for this, and it’s not going to be wonderful like I wanted it to. This is so embarrassing.”
“It doesn’t have to be, Angela. You both have to forgive yourselves and let God heal your hearts. I agree this isn’t the ideal way, but it is what it is and you’ve got to make the best of it. The good news is, he loves you and wants to marry you—and not because of the baby. And you love him. And you guys are going to be happy together. Everything’s going to be fine.”
Lisa clapped her hands together. “Now I get to plan a bridal shower and a wedding and a baby shower. We’re going to have some wonderful parties over the next few months.”
Vanessa patted Angela’s stomach. “And you’re going to have a beautiful, healthy baby and a wonderful husband.”
A few tears slipped down Angela’s face. “How can you guys be so happy about this? I’m pregnant at forty-one, out of wedlock. This is not a happy situation.”
“Sweetie, it’s not a matter of it being a happy situation,” Vanessa said. “It’s a matter of making the best of the situation. You can’t afford to be depressed about it. You have a baby growing inside of you who can feel everything you feel. It’s time to get up off the couch, dry your eyes, and move forward. You got a lot to do in the coming months. And whether you decide to get married now or later, everything’s about to chan
ge. And lying on the couch won’t get you anywhere.”
Lisa said, “And you’ve got us. We’re here to walk through the whole thing with you. Whatever you need us to do.”
Nicole looked around the living room. “Yeah. And we’re going to start by helping you clean up this mess.” She walked into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. “Oh dear, and we need some groceries to feed our baby.”
For the first time all afternoon, Angela smiled. “I love you guys. Thanks for being here. Sorry I haven’t—”
“No need to apologize.” I held up a hand. “We’re here now. And that’s all that matters.”
We spent the rest of the afternoon cleaning and getting groceries. Vanessa cooked a few meals for Angela to eat all week. Nicole made Angela shower and wash her hair. Lisa blow-dried and curled it for her. And we joked, laughed, and loved on Angela for the rest of the day.
twenty-five
On Monday morning, Erika greeted me with the bad news that Rayshawn was back at work. Terrorizing anyone anywhere near her.
“It’s like she’s lost her mind.” Erika closed my door after doing her usual looking left and right to make sure no one was lurking nearby. “Before, she was snaky and devious. Now, she’s downright crazy. I’m not gossiping or being mean. I’m trying to let you know. Whatever you do, stay out of her way.”
“I’ll be fine, Erika. I’m sure she just feels the need to let everybody know she’s back and in control. It’ll blow over in a couple of days.”
Erika stepped closer to my desk. “I don’t think you’re hearing me. This isn’t Rayshawn’s usual evilness. She’s lost it. Word is, she’s trying to take over the production department.”
I shrugged. “I ain’t worried. God’s got me.”
“I hope so. Put in some prayers for me and everybody else while you’re at it. Especially, Ms. Carter. They’ve already had words this morning.”
“She had words with Ms. Carter?”
“I’m trying to tell you. She’s crazy.”
Without warning, my door flew open. “Who do you think you are?”
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