by Riley Moreno
Julie couldn’t continue.
She wanted to keep talking to him, but the recent horrors were still so near, and she couldn’t say anything else. Julie just cried, and Ethan managed to lift her from the pillow. How many times had he picked her up and carried her on? Now there was no need to run, and now she finally accepted his arms without any objection.
“Shhh. You don’t have to say it. I know.”
He did. Now that Kim was gone, he was the only one that could understand without endless explanations, and Julie wanted him near.
It was so wrong, but Julie suddenly wanted to know why he knew that she had to be rescued. Why did he have bad dreams?
“Why…?”
She stopped herself. Julie couldn’t do him like she had been done. Interrogations were almost as brutal as rape, and she eased her head back to her pillow even as her hand stayed in his.
“What, Juliet?”
Julie turned her head back to his eyes. If he had looked at her with muted rage at being forced to share his past, she would had brushed her question aside and inquired about something as banal as his room and when he was going home. But Ethan’s gaze was steady. Julie found more than the strength to press the point. She sensed him wanting to tell another story. Had the time gone by given him the courage to share? Or had he never told the entire tale and could, wanted to, now that he knew that he wasn’t alone?
“What happened to you?” she asked.
Ethan looked to the window. For a second, she thought she was losing him to a bad call, but then Ethan spoke as he clutched her hand tighter.
“I… I was a kid.”
So he was like her. He had been young and impressionable and easily fooled by liars. Julie started to imagine a scenario where he had undergone her torments.
But Ethan’s story was his own.
“They broke in. Three guys. They…”
With his hand still in hers, Julie could feel him tremble, and she leaned up and awkwardly reached for his face.
“It’s okay, Ethan.”
There was something about being on the outside looking in. Her own horror was too much to contemplate. It was sick, but she needed to know that others had endured and come out intact if she had any hope of following his lead.
“I was asleep. I didn’t hear them come in. I just…”
Julie’s hands recoiled as he drew nearer. It wasn’t the man. It was an instinct that still told her that all men belonged in another place. Ethan pulled back. When Julie saw him horrified at the thought of hurting her, he left her hand and started out of his seat. Julie watched him pace the room, but he still told the story.
“I was out like a rock,” Ethan said. “I woke up, and…”
Ethan moved to the window and watched the rain as it slowed to a stop. His eyes were fixed on something that Julie couldn’t see but knew, and she couldn’t move as his uninjured arm reached around his neck, and he turned his head to Julie.
“When I woke up, my parents were dead. Their blood was under my feet. I… I tried to kick it away. But… but my feet were tied. And…”
The murders of his parents were one thing. Julie imagined it a small consolation that they didn’t have to see what Ethan saw, what came next. Ethan was left alone to bear witness to a moment that would force his eyes open to the reality of what life could become.
“And I… I saw my sister. They… they were… they were on top of her. In her. It was all night. She… she kept looking to me for some help. I… struggled. At first. But it was useless. I couldn’t save her. I… just had to watch.”
Julie left her bed and moved to the window. Ethan’s voice was lost as he cried into his arm. Julie wanted to hold him. No one had really held her except him, but she could only press her fingers, delicately, to his back.
It was enough for Ethan to keep going.
“I… I watched them. I couldn’t help her. When… when they finally left, she…”
He abandoned the window and moved into the room as he rubbed his good hand through his hair.
“Ethan?”
He ignored her as he kept talking.
“She was still alive. She was. I… I don’t know. I finally broke free. I touched her hair. She didn’t move. She…”
He slammed his uninjured hand into the wall. The plaster didn’t break. But there was a mark. Ethan saw what he had done and rushed from the point of impact. He started for the door, and Julie moved to keep him at her side.
“Ethan?”
They were close enough to touch, but Julie didn’t take his hand. She just stood before him and met his eyes. This was wrong, but she wanted, she needed to focus on a fate worse than hers, a fate like Kim’s. More than that, she wanted to help Ethan as he had helped her. Julie owed him that much.
She was able to take his hand, and she tried to lead him back into the room. Ethan was still, and she was reminded of the woods. Ethan had pulled her when she was defeated and ready to succumb to the return of the nightmare. But he hadn’t, so she hadn’t. Now Julie was disgraced in a place that was supposed to be home. And Ethan knew what that was like. His terrified memory was suddenly the only thing that she had to hold onto.
“Tell me the rest, Ethan.”
Ethan started away from her, but Julie found the strength to take his arm and bring him back to her bedside. She settled him in the chair and sat with her hands in his. Ethan tensed, but Julie returned his favor from the forest and stayed close to him.
“Ethan, it’s… it’s okay.”
He pressed her hand to his and narrowed his gaze to her eyes.
“She hung on for… for three weeks. I… I stayed awake the entire time. Even without coffee. I…. I just wanted to be there when she opened her eyes.”
He didn’t have to say anything else. Ethan’s sister never looked back at him.
“And when she was gone… I don’t know. I was… I was lost.”
Julie hated latching onto his pain in an effort to feel normal, but he was here, and Julie wanted the sensation. She wanted to hold him, but she couldn’t make that step. With his hand in hers, she ran one finger over his wrist.
“I’m sorry, Ethan.”
He sprung back to the life, and she could recognize the need to share that returned his eyes to hers.
But he was already on a different path.
“No. Julie… Juliet.”
He spoke her full name carefully as if he would break it if he didn’t pay homage to the true name. Julie wanted to relieve him of his anguish, and she touched his face as she envisioned a dead girl that could have been her, that was Kim.
“It was… it is awful. But right now, I’m just worried about you.”
Julie searched his face for a way to understand how he was still here and functioning and talking like a human being. How had he survived the experience without completely cracking? Julie wondered if there was some secret to being the one left behind.
“How do you do it?” she pressed him “How do you go on?”
“Most of the time I just stay alone. It’s… it’s easier.”
Julie pictured him quiet in a dark room, hiding from the world, hiding from his past. It seemed as good a solution as any, and Julie envisioned concealing herself in her lonely bedroom to ward off the memories of too many nights.
Still…
“You didn’t stay alone on Saturday night.”
Ethan’s face went red, and he started to pull away, but Julie didn’t let his hand go.
“No. Don’t go. I didn’t mean---”
“I never would have gone if I’d known.”
“I know. And… however you came. I’m just glad you did.”
The smile returned to his face, but he still started to stand.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“You should try to get some sleep.”
She shuddered at the thought of becoming trapped in another nightmare.
“How do you get past the bad dreams?” she asked.
“M
e? I sort of just avoid dreams altogether.”
Julie considered following his lead and staying awake for hours and nights and weeks on end. Always being tired seemed a fair tradeoff to always being scared. Ethan resumed his seat and gently rubbed her arm.
“But you should try to rest.”
She knew he was right, and her eyes were heavy.
“Can you stay?” she asked. He ran his hand over her face.
“I’ll be here when you wake up.”
17
Julie slept. Not soundly or deeply, and she was always aware of the room around her and Ethan at her side. But she did rest, and she never would have if he hadn’t stayed. At one point her eyes fluttered open. He was in the chair, his eyes gazing out the window. Anyone else would have shuffled where they sat, folded and unfolded arms in search of the best position, tried to make hands function as pillows, and groan when there was no sleep to be found. Ethan looked tired but not uncomfortable in his present circumstance. When he looked at her, when he saw her looking at him, he leaned forward and patted her cheek with a caring hand and whispered to her that she was finally safe.
As the night became the morning and the space outside the room started to buzz with more activity, Julie rolled on to her side and stretched her arms. The movement stirred Ethan, and he pulled his chair closer to the bed with a smile.
“Good morning.”
“Hey,” she whispered.
Julie turned her head towards the wall. Just after 8. And if she had the day right in her mind…?
“It’s… Thursday morning?” she asked.
“Right.”
Thursday so close to Friday just around the corner from Saturday. Soon it would be an entire week since she’d taken flight from the dungeon, and she remembered the doctor speaking to the kindly nurse who had been her champion in the wake of Amanda Beyer’s tirade. If everything checked out according to plan, this would be the day when Julie would get to leave and finally see her home. Julie could picture her bedroom exactly as she had left it, and she hoped that sight of something familiar would turn home from more than a word or a desire into a feeling that she now craved above all else.
Because she wasn’t getting that feeling from her mother.
Ethan stayed in the room but moved off to the side as Julie’s vitals were checked and she was brought a tray of oatmeal, apple, graham muffins, and a small carton of milk. The nurse told Ethan that he should return to his room, but he said he was fine, said he wasn’t hungry. The nurse looked from Ethan to Julie and back again. Having been told the story and knowing Ethan’s part in the rescue, she didn’t argue with his request to stay. Once she was out, Ethan closed the door and sat again.
“You don’t sleep, you don’t eat. How do you survive?” Julie asked.
“I manage. Don’t worry about it.”
She examined the food before her. Julie had been so hungry for so long that the stale crackers recovered by Ethan had tasted like the warmest loaf of just-baked bread. But her appetite was also lessening with each passing meal. Everything she had looked forward to wasn’t coming to pass, could never come to pass, so what did it matter if she ate or didn’t? This morning was different. Not only was she hungry again, but she wanted to share the meal with someone else.
And she wouldn’t take no for an answer.
“Here,” she said as she broke one of the muffins in half and offered him a butter patty.
“I’m good. Seriously.”
“I’d rather not eat alone. Please. I owe you a meal. Among other things.”
Ethan accepted the muffin and took a healthy bite. Julie waited as if she was the baker of the goods to see if he approved of the taste.
“That’s actually not too bad,” he said as he wiped a few stray crumbs from his mouth. Happily, Julie bit into her half. Not too sugary with just a trace of honey. It was good. They ate in silence until Julie opened the milk carton. After taking a sip, she wiped the tip of the straw with a napkin and passed him the drink.
“Wouldn’t want you to catch anything,” Julie said.
Ethan cocked his head to the side.
“If we’re being honest, Juliet, I think we’re the past the point where some spit is going to make either one of us uncomfortable.”
He slurped the milk down and placed the carton back on the tray, wiping nothing. He was right. The man had seen her naked, and she’d worn his clothing. Julie was struck by the thought that there was something infinitely more intimate in the night they’d spent together than the hours forced into submission as other men entered places most private. So they shared the muffin and the milk and the apple. The oatmeal was left untouched.
“Thursday,” she repeated after taking her last bite. “I’m supposed to go home today.”
“Me, too.”
“Oh. Where’s that?” she asked, privately hoping that wherever it was wasn’t too far.
“In the city.”
And she breathed a sigh of relief. Not that she would see much of him with the exception of the legal proceedings destined to get underway, but it was nice to know that he was just a train ride away.
“You?” Ethan asked.
“Jersey.”
“Oh that’s… sorry.”
“What were you going to say?”
“Nothing. I just. Well… they took you. But… but you never said where they took you from.”
Julie caught a trace of all she was feeling in his eyes. He liked the idea that she wasn’t about to cross the country to return to her own bed. She smiled wider, and Ethan leaned forward and touched the bandage about her cheek.
“Does it hurt?” he asked.
“Not as much. None of it hurts as much. I… I really can’t thank you enough for what you did.”
Blushingly, his head dropped to his chest.
“It was nothing.”
“It was everything. I’d be dying or dead if you hadn’t come along. You’re a good man. Don’t let anyone ever tell you anything else.”
His hand moved towards her again. Just as his fingers encircled her wrists, the door swung open. Julie turned to see her mother and a small suitcase waiting just outside the room. Upon seeing Ethan, upon seeing him so close to Julie, she looked startled and couldn’t decide whether to come or go.
“Mom. Hi.”
Sharon finally came through the door and dropped the suitcase at the foot of Julie’s bed. With a short nod, she acknowledged her daughter’s presence before turning all of her attention to Ethan.
“Mr. Graff?”
On cue, Ethan was up and extending his hand. Sharon took it gingerly.
“Ma’am. I…”
Julie watched him struggle for something appropriate to say. Nice to meet you or how are you just didn’t fit when facing a woman whose only child had been abducted and tortured and would have died were it not for his intervention. Sharon should express unending gratitude for all Ethan had done and what he had risked. Emerging from the forest with a busted arm and Julie’s life deserved tears and Sharon’s arms around his neck and thank you in an infinite loop.
“Yes,” Sharon said quietly. “My husband and I are most appreciative.”
What the hell was wrong with her? This was supposed to be the woman who loathed the idea of the trip in the first place because she had feared that this very thing would happen. Well, maybe not this thing. Sharon had her ideas of dark fate for her baby girl so far away from home, but she could never have conceived of depraved torment at the hands of so many. So why wasn’t she holding her close and telling her that she’d never let her go again? Why did Julie feel like a stranger in her own mother’s eyes? The only possibility that brought some ease to her mind was the thought that this was too much for her to comprehend and that she was shutting down in order to keep from cracking. Julie tried to get it. There were always stories of victim’s families slipping into horrified denial.
That’s all she was to Sharon now. A victim. And Julie couldn’t ignore the nagging at her brain th
at she’d never be anything else.
Sharon lifted the suitcase. After she placed it on the bed, she told Julie that there were clean clothes and a new toothbrush. Greg had the car waiting. Sharon would see to the particulars of the discharge. And Julie could meet her in the lobby whenever she was ready. Then Sharon left the room without ever meeting Julie’s eyes.
Julie blinked back tears when her mother was gone. Instead of reaching among the folded clothes, she sank back to her pillow and folded the sheets around her shaking body.
“Juliet? Hey. Hey come on. It’s okay.”
He was on his knees and holding her face as her tears started to flow.
“She’s acting like I did something wrong. Like I asked for this to happen. Why, Ethan?”
Sighing, he pressed his head to hers.
“No. Listen to me. She probably feels guilty, you know? I did. I felt like I should have done something. But I didn’t.”
“You couldn’t. And neither could she.”
He stroked her hair tenderly and forced himself to smile.
“But I know how she feels. And if my sister had made it through, I bet it would have taken me a long time to look her in the eye.”
Julie didn’t believe that for a second. If he had gone out of his way to make her feel alright when she was someone he barely knew, she imagined him breaking through all barriers to see that his unfortunate sister back to normal even it didn’t exist.
She was suddenly filled with a sense of dread at the prospect of being alone with her mother and Greg, trapped in a car, for the long trip home. Getting home would only prove slightly more tolerable. She could take some solace in the bedroom, one of the last places she had been before her world capsized. But even there, she thought of thick tension in the air, awkward calls to the dinner table, and meals barely consumed in silence.
“Okay?” Ethan asked.
Julie had a crazy idea. He was about to be discharged, too. Did he need a ride? How else would he get home with his bad arm?
“How are you getting back?” she asked.
“My firm’s sending a car. Even said I could keep it for a few days in case, you know, I needed to get out of town. Clear my head. You’d think they’d be steamed that I blew the deal. But something tells me they’re relieved that we didn’t get in too deep with Carter McCord.”