And so, Hermione felt certain if a bunch of poofy French knights were able to detect evil, certainly she should be able to figure out a way to do it.
However, she was unable to discover the means and she became quite frustrated. It wasn’t helping that Harry and Ron were always around lazily eating and playing noisy video games.
One day, she said in exasperation, “Can’t you two do anything to help? What am I expected to do this all on my own? While you just sit around eating all the food I packed, leaving your mess behind, and playing stupid video games?”
Harry replied, “Well, you are the computer expert.”
“You can research stuff on the Internet too, you know!”
“Fine.” Harry asked, “What do you want me to look up?”
Hermione answered, “The Holy Grail.”
Harry saluted her and said, “Aye, Aye, Captain.”
She turned to Cheesley and said, “Ron, why don’t you make yourself useful and … err, … start a letter writing campaign to US congressmen urging them to rename Ellis Island to Elvis Island.”
Ron asked, “Really, I have to do that? I thought …”
Hermione interrupted, “If you have any respect at all for your dearly departed Headmaster’s wishes, you’ll do it. Or would you rather his ghost start haunting you?”
Ron eyes widened a bit. He grumbled, “All right, I’ll get on it.”
The boys turned off the video games.
Hermione went back to her research and was glad things were quieter now that the others were working too. However, she still made no headway. She soon found herself sighing, “It’s like trying to find a needle in a haystack.” That’s when, she decided to take a break from her research and spend some time looking for the hoaxcrock needle in a haystack.
Finding a needle in a haystack sounds impossibly difficult, however, for wizards and witches, it is trivial. The summoning spell makes it quick and easy. However, finding the right needle in the right haystack made the problem much more difficult. Worse still, it turned out that very few haystacks actually have needles.
The three teenagers spent a month roaming the English countryside trying to summon needles from haystacks. They had found just three and snapped them. Hermione thought for sure they’d somehow be able to tell when they located the right one. Yet, there had been no sign they had found and destroyed a hoaxcrock. In their hearts, they knew they had not succeeded.
One day Harry complained, “I think we’ve already been to this haystack before.”
Ron asked, “How can you tell? They all look the same to me.”
Harry said, “That’s the point. We’ve been looking in all the haystacks in England. But what says it’s in England? What if it’s in the States or China or Africa? It would actually be smart for him to hide it in a different country.”
Hermione asked, “So, if you were Moldyfart…er, Oldyfart May, where would you hide it?”
Harry answered, “How should I know?”
“Ron?”
Cheesley shrugged and said, “Beat’s me.”
Hermione sighed and said, “It’s no use. We need a way to detect hoaxcrocks. Let’s go back to camp, and I’ll see if I can figure out what to do next.”
A week later, Hermione decided she needed to talk to Arthur Cheesley. She abberated to the Boil that evening. She wanted to know more about Arthur’s work in the Office for the Detection of Evil Objects that No One Can See or Touch.
She was astounded when, after being sworn to secrecy, Arthur finally admitted to her that he really had no means by which to detect intangible objects, regardless of their state of good or evil. He also told her he was not able to detect evil in objects that did exist, or at least not any better than anyone else.
And so, Hermione hit another dead end. She felt like she had been banging her head against a wall for the past two months.
She decided to take another break from researching a means of detecting the evil hoaxcrocks. Instead, she researched the Fart Lord’s “Flux capacitor.” She found out a flux capacitor is the rare invention that makes time travel possible. And she shuddered at the implications. If Moldyfart has a flux capacitor, he could travel backwards and forwards in time and space. Who knows how his evil and insane mind might put such power to use?
Furthermore, once she knew what it looked like, she remembered having seen it in Lord Fartypant’s mad scientist laboratory. And so, they raided Moldyfart’s castle once more in the middle of the night. Only this time she abberated herself, Ron, and Harry inside the entrance foyer.
Hermione whispered, “Moldyfart didn’t get his protection spells updated yet. I guess he didn’t think we’d dare to come back while he’s around. I thought we’d be blocked and have to borrow the key from Butthilda again.”
Harry whispered back, “You did it again. Remember? Call him, Oldyfart May.”
Hermione tittered in her embarrassment.
When Harry saw the signed movie posters hanging in the entrance foyer again, he shivered inadvertently and muttered, “M. Knight Shyamalan.”
Lately, Ron had taken up the habit of wearing Excalibur strapped to his side. And so, he brought the sword along, as he put it, “just in case we happen upon Snakey.”
Hermione led the way, leading them into the left wing of the castle.
However, even with the sword on his hip, Ron was a mess. The left wing of the castle was a frightful place, filled with peril. The dangerous traps had all been reset. However, Hermione remembered where they were located. The monstrous denizens had all been replaced. The three teenagers defeated several horrors.
Ron was constantly whining and complaining about the evil place. Several times, he asked, “Is it much further?”
Each time, Hermione replied, “We’re almost there.”
Suddenly Harry felt his scar send a burning pain into his skull.
He cried out, “Oh no! The Fart Lord’s angry!”
Hermione asked, “Does he know we’re here?”
Harry had a vision. Moldyfart was at his home computer. He was on The Villain’s Message Board. He was angry because Darth Vader had corrected his grammar in a post. He seethed, “That cursed know it all! I’ll show him!”
Harry said, “Nope, false alarm.”
A moment later, they entered the Hall of Masks. While there, Hermione got confused and began leading the boys toward the Room of Evil Ambiance instead of the mad scientist laboratory.
Ron, however, balked. He said, “You’re going the wrong way!”
Hermione sniffed and did not like his blatant accusation that she was making a mistake. She said, “Oh, stop being a baby, Ron, just follow me.”
Ron pointed the opposite direction and said, “I’m serious, Hermione. The flux capacitor is this way. I don’t know what room you’re heading for, and I don’t like it a bit. But, regardless, it ain’t the right direction.”
Hermione was really miffed now. She just knew she was right. She said, “Look, Ron, I’m the one who’s been here before. Don’t you think I know better than you, which way to go?”
Harry said, “C’mon, Ron, we don’t have time to argue. We need to quickly find the flux capacitor before Moldyfart figures out we’re here.”
Ron mumbled, “Fine, let’s just get this over with. This place gives me the creeps.”
Hermione replied, “We know. You’ve only said it like four times.”
She led the way to the Room of Evil Ambiance. Meanwhile, Ron’s knees were shaking in fear, yet he bore the burden of his terror silently.
When Hermione came to the Unholy Chapel, Ron’s whole body was shaking with fright and his teeth were chattering. Hermione felt abashed. She knew what rooms were beyond the Unholy Chapel – only the mortuary, the mausoleum, and the catacombs. She reluctantly had to admit her mistake, turn around, and go back to the Hall of Masks.
When they returned, Hermione became curious. She asked, “Which way did you say to go, Ron?”
Ron, who was feeling slight
ly better now, pointed. Hermione said, “Lead the way.”
Ron took them to the mad scientist’s lab. And though Hermione did not see the flux capacitor at first among all the experimental equipment and strange objects, Ron took them right to it. It was attached to a lawn mower.
If Moldyfart’s nose was on his face, they would have destroyed the flux capacitor right under his nose. However, his nose was hidden elsewhere so they simple destroyed it while he was still on the computer upstairs.
Harry felt another stab of pain from his scar. He saw Moldyfart pound his keyboard and shout at his computer screen, “That stupid moderator deleted my post!”
Finished destroying the hoaxcrock, Hermione asked, “Ron, by any chance, can you tell if there are any more hoaxcrocks around?”
Ron shrugged and said, “How should I know?”
Hermione said, “Just think about it. Do you know which way Moldyfart’s comb is?”
“It’s probably upstairs in his bedroom.”
“No, I mean, do you get a feeling where it is? What direction?”
Ron laughed, “No.”
Hermione sighed, “What about the Holy Grail? Can you tell where it is?”
Ron replied, “I’ve no idea.”
Hermione sighed again and said, “Alright, then, let’s go.”
She abberated them back to their camp. Harry crossed the flux capacitor off the list, glad they had finally made some more progress.
Hermione sat down and said, “Oh, Ron, would you bring me the pair of light-up sneakers.”
Ron brought them over.
Hermione asked, “All right, Ron. What gives? In this huge mess, how did you know where the light-up sneakers were just now?”
Ron shrugged, “I dunno. I guess I just remembered where they were.”
“Then how did you know where the flux capacitor was, when you’d never been there before?”
“I don’t know, I just sort of knew.”
“When did you first know?”
“When we were in the hall with all those creepy masks.”
“Ron, I don’t know how you’re doing it, but I think you can tell what direction the hoaxcrocks are. You’re like a modern day Paladin.”
Ron blurted out, “Oh yeah? Well, you have a mustache!”
Hermione said, “It’s alright, Ron. A paladin is a holy knight. All I meant by it is, it seems you can detect evil. Tell me something. Do you know which way the needle in the haystack is?”
“I have no idea.”
“What about the unbreakable comb?”
“I haven’t a clue.”
“Moldyfart’s nose?”
“Sorry, but I don’t think I’m a pal of any of those things or a holy knight or whatever.”
Hermione thought for a moment and said, “Hmmm. Ron, how did you find your way back here?”
“What do mean?”
“You left us and went home for over a month. When you came back, how did you find your way here?”
“I remembered which way to go.”
“You remembered how to get to the camp from home?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Then why did you end up at the pond?”
“Oh, I just happened upon Harry in the woods and thought I’d follow him and murder him for the sneakers. Heh, heh. Uh, I mean, to see where he was going.”
“By any chance, were you thinking about the light-up sneakers while you were on your way?”
“Uh, not at all. I was thinking how much I missed seeing your beautiful face.”
“Hmmm. And, if you were to go home right now, Ron, which direction would you go?”
Ron faltered, “Uh, let’s see, let me get my bearings…all right, that way.” He pointed.
Hermione said, “Wrong. Which direction is the holy land?”
Ron asked, “The holy land?”
“Yes, Jerusalem.”
“How should I know?”
“Just guess.”
Ron pointed.
Hermione considered the direction he was pointing. It was mostly south but also a little to the east. It was a pretty good guess.
She said, “Ron, I think you’re the descendent of a holy knight.”
Ron said, “Oh yeah? Well, you’re the descendent of someone with a big head.”
Chapter 15 – Hoaxcrock Destroying Rampage
Hermione knew just how to test Ron’s ability to detect evil. She had a hoaxcrock in her bag – the kitchen sink. With Ron blindfolded, she pulled items out of the sack. Sometimes she pulled out Moldyfart’s kitchen sink, sometimes she pulled out her toaster oven. He could instantly tell when she pulled out the hoaxcrock. Somehow he sensed its presence and accurately told her when it was in the tent and when it remained in the extra-dimensional space of Santa’s sack.
She began training Ron. She would take the bag out into the woods, hide, pull out the kitchen sink, then text Ron to come find her. He never failed to arrive shortly thereafter. Through testing, eventually she discovered he could sense the evil hoaxcrock up to approximately one thousand paces away.
Around that same time, Harry had an idea. He said, “We should look for haystacks in India.”
Hermione asked him, “Why India?”
“Because Oldyfart May has two signed posters in his entrance foyer – posters for M. Night Shyamalan movies, signed by the director. Since he’s an Indian film-maker, the Fart Lord must have gone to India to get them signed.”
Hermione said, “Not a bad thought. However, M. Night Shyamalan is an American film-maker of Indian ethnicity. He’s from Philadelphia. So, using your logic, Oldyfart May would have gone to Pennsylvania to get his posters signed. Wouldn’t that mean we should search the City of Brotherly Love for a haystack?”
Harry frowned and said, “I doubt there are any haystacks in a big city like that. But maybe, the Fart Lord went to Hollywood and we should check the Hollywood warehouses and back lots for a haystack.”
“Actually, Shyamalan has done most of his filming near his home in Eastern Pennsylvania. I’m not aware of any haystacks in his pictures, but then again, I haven’t watched any of them.”
“So, can you abberate us to Pennsylvania and we can take a look for haystacks.”
“No, but I can abberate us to New York City. I know a spot at the Bronx Zoo – the place where my parents and I ate lunch while we were on holiday there five years ago. We’d have to take a bus or a train from there to Eastern Pennsylvania.”
Harry asked, “So, do you think it’s worth a try?”
Hermione answered, “Well, honestly, it’s not much to go on. But perhaps we could do some further research and find out if there were any haystacks in Shyamalan’s movies or find out about some of his film locations.”
On the Internet, Hermione found out that Shyamalan’s movie, The Village, was filmed almost entirely on a village set built in Chadd’s Ford, Pennsylvania. She also found out that the production crew destroyed the set afterward, returning the film location to its original state – an empty farm field. She also had a few other rural locations, but none seemed quite so promising.
Harry Putter & the Deathly Hairballs Page 14