Ron got angry and said, “I knew that.”
Harry was upset that Cheesley broke his camera. He wanted to post the video on his Facebook page.
Ron and Harry followed Hermione toward the Room of the States. As they made their way, an alarm sounded. They heard the loud fast footfall of running guards echoing in the hallway behind them. They quickly ducked into a broom closet until the footsteps passed. Then they snuck out of the closet again.
As they approached the Room of the States, they heard strange noises. They could see someone was lying on the ground. Suddenly, a man in a hooded sweatshirt ran out of the room with a painting under one arm and a magic wand in his other hand.
The painting called out, “Help! Help! I’m being kidnapped!” The kidnapper was running straight toward them with a security guard right behind. The guard quickly dove and grabbed the man’s foot, tackling him and sending the painting sliding across the floor. Hermione noticed a tattoo of a mushroom on the thief’s forearm.
She shouted, “Fungus Eater!”
Harry and Ron got a glimpse of the painting. It was The Moaning Lisa.
The work of art called out, “Are you crazy? You can’t treat a masterpiece like this!”
Ron quickly dashed to pick it up. However, the man in the hooded sweatshirt shouted the words, "Hess Premium Gasoline, painting."
Harry thought that voice was familiar but couldn’t quite place it.
The painting instantly flew back toward the wizard, knocking Ron over on his butt. There was a distinct crack.
Ron said, “Ow, I think I broke something!”
Another man, wearing a ski mask arrived. The masked man stunned the security guard with a spell.
Hermione shouted, “Stupidify.” Her spell shot forth toward the man holding the painting and he barely managed to roll aside and avoid it. The two men realized they weren’t the only wizard there. Their eyes went wide.
Ron got up and said, “Phew. I’m alright, everyone. It was only my wand.” He was holding one end of the snapped magic item, the other end dangled from it by a fiber of wood.
Suddenly, the museum hall erupted in a wizard battle with spells shooting back and forth between Harry, Hermione, and the two thieves. Without his wand to protect himself, Ron began running around like a chicken without his head.
On both sides of the hallway artwork was being damaged in the course of the fight. Muddle guards arrived at the scene and were equally stunned by the destruction as by the bewildering magic.
One of Hermione’s spells hit the man with the painting square in the chest and he toppled backwards.
Harry shouted, “Hess Premium Gasoline, painting.” The Moaning Lisa flew from his grasp, through the air, to Harry.
The masked Fungus Eater and one of the muddle guards ran toward Putter. Harry stunned the guard and tossed the painting to Hermione just as the masked thief tackled him. Ron pulled out Excalibur and rapped the Fungus Eater’s forehead with the sword’s handle.
The thief cried out in pain, clutching his head.
Hermione ran, she rounded the corner and put the painting into Saint Nick’s bag. Then she pulled it back out again as a wrapped present. Just as she did, the man in the hooded sweatshirt stunned her with a Stupidify spell. He pointed his wand at the present in her hand and said, “Hess Premium Gasoline, painting.” The gift-wrapped painting flew out of her hands and into his. He looked at the present strangely for a moment, shrugged and laughed, “Thanks for gift wrapping it!”
Then the man made a run for a nearby window dodging spells from Ron and Harry.
He smashed through the window and abberated in mid air. Ron and Harry both thought that was pretty cool.
Harry said, “Ooh, we’ve got to have that in the movie, only we’ll make it from the third floor instead of the ground.”
Ron said, “Oh, man. That’s going to be awesome.” He gave Harry a high five.
Hermione yelled, “Stop wasting time, you idiots!”
They were in the Denon Wing among the Michelangelo sculptures. Suddenly, one of Michelangelo’s Slaves grew an additional belly button. Less than a second after, Ron, Harry, and Hermione heard the loud report of a gun. One of the armed guards was shooting. They could also hear the whine of approaching police sirens, and gates were dropping, sealing off the Denon Wing. The building was going into lockdown. They needed to move fast.
Hermione pulled out three festively wrapped packages and handed one to Ron and another to Harry. The boys immediately realized from the size and shape that they were hoverboards. They didn’t bother to unwrap them. They simply threw the boards to the ground and started pushing.
Several armed guards were shooting at them now. To escape they flew under one of the dropping gates, ducking very low to speed through in the nick of time. They turned left and went down the hallway.
There was a large window at the end of the hall and seeing it, they decided they would have to jump, smash through it, and have Hermione abberate them out in mid air.
Harry said, “Alright, steady, steady, and … GO!”
Ron and Harry both smashed through the window. Hermione was right behind. They each left an ape-shaped hole in the glass. Ron and Harry both fell into a bush below. Hermione landed heavily on top of them. Luckily, they were there to break her fall.
They were still groaning after she abberated them back to their campsite. Later, Ron and Harry agreed it had been a pretty cool getaway until that part at the very end. They both blamed Hermione because she had failed to abberate them in mid air.
Hermione ignored them and pulled out a gift-wrapped package. She ripped it open to reveal The Moaning Lisa. The teenagers admired the beautiful hoaxcrock for a minute. Then they built up a campfire and threw the screaming painting into the flames. They roasted marshmallows over it, and everyone agreed they were the most beautiful marshmallows they had ever seen.
Meanwhile, Yahtzee and Luscious were at Moldyfart’s castle. Yahtzee pulled back the hood of his sweatshirt. He joyfully laughed and called up the marble staircase, “Yo, Master! C’m ‘ere, I’ve got a present for you!”
Luscious pulled off his black ski mask. He had a lump the size of an egg in the middle of his forehead. He asked, “I’ve got a present? Don’t you mean, we’ve got a present?”
Yahtzee scoffed, “Pffft. If it weren’t for me, those meddling kids would have you cursing, ‘Drat, foiled again!’ You’re lucky I’ve saved your butt, Maldoy.”
Maldoy was about to reply when the Fart Lord arrived at the top of the stairs. Their boss asked, “Did you get it?”
Yahtzee smugly answered, “Not only that, but I had it gift-wrapped for you!”
Moldyfart was thrilled. He floated down the stairs in eager anticipation. He laughed and said, “I love presents!”
Yahtzee stepped forward and said, “My gift to you, Master.” He stuck his tongue out at Maldoy.
Maldoy scowled.
The Fart Lord tore the paper from the framed painting, as he prematurely said, “Well done, Luscious. Good job, Yahtzee.”
Luscious stuck his tongue out at Yahtzee and answered, “It is a pleasure to be of service…to…”
He knew something was terribly wrong. His master’s face was not at all right. The smile vanished. The scowl appeared. The incontrollable angry twitch began in his left eye. His wand was now in his hand. Yahtzee was suddenly gone in an intense burst of flames. Yes, these were all signs of inconceivable displeasure.
Luscious asked, “What?”
Moldyfart sneered and the pain came abruptly and disappeared quickly, as the nerves crying out were mercifully obliterated along with the rest of Luscious Maldoy.
The following day, the Fart Lord hung the painting, Velvet Elvis, in his entertainment room.
Chapter 17 – The Holy Grail of Hoaxcrocks
Ron said, “What do you mean there aren’t any more of my wands left? I thought it was Santa’s sack? I thought we could pull whatever we wanted out of it?”
H
ermione said, “Sorry, Ron. It doesn’t work that way, the only thing in the sack are the things I packed. I brought a box of five spare wands. I thought that would be enough.”
Ron said, “That’s usually good for about three or four months, but we’ve been camping out for let’s see … uh, …” He started to count months on his fingers.
Hermione said, “I see your point, Ron. And you’ve done very well too. You’ve only broken six wands in the past six months. Would you like me to send a text to your Mum and ask her to send some more right away?”
Ron sighed, “Don’t be silly, Mum would be worried if you wrote her. She’d wonder if something happened to me so that I couldn’t write. I’ll take care of it.”
“You should probably do it right away, so you don’t forget.”
“Good idea,” Ron agreed. He took out his phone and sent the text message:
Mum, please send more wands - Love, Ron
Meanwhile, Harry was glad they were making progress on their quest. However, he felt like his contributions of late were still lacking. Hermione had been nothing short of amazing. Ron was doing his part with the evil hoaxcrock detecting. Harry wanted to contribute. After all, it was his quest to destroy Lord Moldyfart.
Hermione had told him to research the Holy Grail, so, he had given up playing video games and was doing what she asked. However, it did seem a bit unfair of her. That one seemed like it would be the hardest of all to find and obtain.
There were so many legends regarding the sacred vessel. However, Harry chose to give precedence to the work Le Morte d’Arthur by Sir Thomas Malory, after all, that one was mentioned in Grumblesnore’s last will, in reference to the description of Excalibur.
And so, Harry read a book – no, not a comic book – a real book. It had been a very long time.
Le Morte d’Arthur told of a “Dolorous Stroke” by rash Sir Balin upon the Fisher King, Pellas, guardian of the Holy Grail. Calamity befalls Sir Balin and three kingdoms from that attack. Years after, the Knights of the Round Table took up the quest to find Castle Carbonek, heal King Pellas, and obtain the Holy Grail. However, the Grail “appeareth not to sinners.” Gwain, Bors, Lancelot, Robin, Bedevere, and Percival fail in the quest due to their worldly sins. Galahad, who is pure, succeeds. He heals King Pellas and obtains the Holy Grail.
Harry wondered, “So the grail is a good object that cannot be seen or touched by … well, any of us. If none but the pure can obtain it, how on earth could Moldyfart have gotten his clutches on the Holy Grail and turned it into a hoaxcrock? And where would the sacred vessel be in modern times? Or had the Fart Lord used his flux capacitor to travel back in time to get it?
He reasoned to himself, “It’s impossible. If the many good Knights of the Round Table were unable to attain the grail, there is no way that evil Kitten Killer or any of his wicked Death Eaters would be capable of it.
Furthermore, could an object so holy be turned into a hoaxcrock? An object of evil? Would God allow it? It was laughable.
So if Moldyfart thinks he turned a ‘Holy Grail’ into a hoaxcrock, then it must not be the real Holy Grail. It must be something that he mistakenly thinks is the sacred chalice. Perhaps, he ordered one of his Fungus Eaters to find it and they provided him with a fake.”
And so, Harry came to believe the theory that Moldyfart only thinks he turned the Holy Grail into a hoaxcrock.
However, the idea didn’t help much. Trying to find a fake Holy Grail was possibly even worse than trying to locate the real one. To find the real one, Harry could try and locate Castle Carbonek and search it for clues. However, a fake could be just about anything shaped like a cup and it could be anywhere in the world. Harry wondered, “Where do I even start?”
He started by making sure there was no relationship between the Holy Grail and any of Shyamalan’s movies. He spent two hours on the Internet and came to a conclusion. As he thought, there was no connection.
Next, he remembered one of their dinner guests from months ago, Sir Robin. He was one of the Knights of the Round Table. He was one of the knights who had taken up the quest for the grail. He was on the run from the Fart Lord among an eclectic group of celebrities. With him was a fellow Gryffindor student, Spleen Thomas.
Harry texted Spleen Thomas, “How R U? R U still with Sir Robin?”
He received a text back, “No worries, mate. We hangin poolside, Rembrandt Hotel. J”
He replied, “Is Sir Robin w/U?”
“Yes.”
“I’d like 2 speak 2 him. Can U 2 meet me in an hour?”
“Where?”
“The Rembrandt. The one in Knightsbridge?”
“Yeah, Rm 309.”
The three teenagers went together. Hermione abberated them to a tube station in South Kensington, and they walked from there. An hour later Harry was knocking on the door of room 309. Spleen Thomas let them all into his luxurious hotel guest room.
Spleen said, “What up, Dudes?”
Sir Robin, who was lying on one of the beds, laughed and stiffly repeated, “What up, Dudes? I love it. What up, Dudes?”
Sir Robin was small, thin, and pasty white. His eye sockets were sunken in, while his eyes were bulging out. He had a droopy mustache and orange hair. He was wearing his bathing suit and sandals. His sunglasses were high on his forehead.
Harry said, “Good Sir Robin, I’m so glad you’re here. I really need to talk to you about the Quest for the Holy Grail.”
Sir Robin replied, “Cheers, mate. Fancy a little rabbit about the rabbit then? Take a load off your plates, laddie.”
Ron and Hermione took the two nearby chairs. Harry sat down on the bed opposite the knight. He began, “Sir Robin, would you please be so kind as to tell us about the Holy Grail?”
“No frets, mate.” Brave Sir Robin asked, “What do you want to know about it?”
“Have you seen it?”
“Well… no.”
Harry asked with surprise evident in his voice, “No?”
The knight who was not as brave as Sir Lancelot replied, “Crikey, don’t get your knickers all in a twist. I fell in the Gorge of Eternal Peril. Sir Galahad’s the Todd who found it.”
“But I thought it appeared to you in a vision?”
“Sort of.”
“Sort of?”
“Well, it could have, but when the skies opened up and God revealed the Holy Grail to us, I, umm, humbly averted my minces.”
“Averted your eyes?”
“Aye, I was, ahem, making certain that no one was hiding in the shrubbery nearby, waiting to ambush us.”
“So you never saw either the grail or a vision of the grail?”
“No. That was Galahad and the others.”
“Drat. I was hoping you’d be able to describe it to me.”
“Sorry, mate. But maybe I can put you in touch with some of the others who saw it.”
“What about Sir Galahad?”
“Oh, no. I didn’t mean him.”
“No, I meant where did Sir Galahad put it?”
Sir Robin said, “What do you mean? Heaven?”
Harry said, “Then it’s not in Castle Carbonek?”
Harry Putter & the Deathly Hairballs Page 16