Nicholas said, “But, that’s already been done before! C’mon, you cats have to have seen National Treasure. I played Benjamin Gates, the lead role in that one.”
Ron piped in, “Of course, that’s why I thought of you in the first place.”
Cage asked, “Hey, where’d you come from?”
Ron didn’t understand. He asked, “Who me?”
The actor said, “Yeah, you.”
Ron answered, “I’ve been here the whole time. I even ate a donut.”
Cage said, “I knew that. I was just messing with you. You have a very forgettable face, and I’m not just saying that to be mean. I know, I’m an actor.”
Harry said, “So, what do you say? Will you help us? Please?”
Cage replied, “I’ve got one condition. I get to play the lead role in the movie.”
Harry answered, “Oh, no. Not the lead. I think that’s much better suited to Brad Pitt or Matt Damon. How about we cast you as the main villain?”
The actor scoffed, “Good one! Ha ha! But seriously, I have more draw than those two cats combined! I even make more movies than those two put together. Plus I won the Academy Awards for best actor. There’s no way, I take back seat to either one of them. And the villain? What level of talent does that take? That’s a role for a guy without skills.”
Hermione tittered nervously, “Good one, Harry. You do realize that if Mr. Cage doesn’t help us, no one’s going to make a movie about you?”
Cage said, “Don’t look so disappointed, kid. If you really wanted Matt Damon, you can always cast him in the gritty reboot. Besides, it will give him a chance to work on his skills in the meantime.”
Harry had no choice but to concede.
Fortunately, the National Archives was hosting a gala event later that week. They decided it would be the perfect time to stage their heist. Hermione would be the computer expert operating in the back of the van waiting outside. She would hack into the security system. Harry and Cage would crash the party, infiltrate the access-restricted areas of the building, perform the robbery, and escape with the document. Ron would be the getaway driver.
Cheesley was not happy about it. He wanted to go in with Harry and Cage and make a real contribution to the team. However, he didn’t have any magic wands left. He had even texted his mother a second time requesting them. In reply, she told him there weren’t any left at the Boil either, and that she would pick up a box of them when she got a chance.
All week long, Ron kept watching for the family goat, Pigwedgie, to arrive with the package. He grew grumpier as the day of the heist drew closer.
Furthermore, Cage was annoying. He kept calling Ron names, like butterfingers, klutz, and spastic dope.
Ron argued, “I’m clutch. When it’s important, I always come through. In fact, the more dire the situation, the more likely I am to pull off the incredible catch, or save, or whatever else is needed.”
Hermione stuck up for him, “It’s true. Sometimes I’m in awe at some of the things Ron does. Err, in an incredible sort of way.”
Cage said, “But, you don’t have a wand. What we truly need is an incredible getaway driver. That’s a crucial job. There’s likely to be all kinds of heat on us by the time we get back to the van. Seconds can be the difference between success and failure Think you can handle the job?”
Ron sulked, without his wand, he had no choice. He dejectedly said, “Yeah.”
Hermione conducted the preliminary work of installing a rogue wireless router in the National Archives computer network. She collected communications until she captured a logon sequence. Then she offloaded the information and ran her password cracking software against it. She used special hardware for this step – four video accelerators to quickly handle the extensive mathematical computations involved. Two days later, she had the logon credentials she would need in order to access the security surveillance system when she arrived.
In the meanwhile, Nicholas Cage was working on some surefire disguises so that they could get past the guards and into the National Archives building.
Harry, however, was distracted with thoughts of the upcoming Final Battle. He was worried about the Fart Lord’s army. While Harry was busy destroying hoaxcrocks, Moldyfart was out recruiting. Where was Harry going to find help against the Fart Lord’s minions?
He also wondered about what Spleen Thomas had told them. ‘The Death Cat’ was real. And that meant the drunken tale of Beadie the Blowhard, “The Three Bad Kittens,” was a true story. And that meant the light-up sneakers were once Death’s sneakers. And it also meant, somewhere out there, there’s a magic hat – one that can be used to fake your own death. And Harry thought he knew where it might be.
Everything was set. When Ron pulled the rented van up to the front of the National Archives building, Hermione went into action. Earlier in the week, she had craftily left the wireless router in monitor mode. Now she sent the router a knock sequence to activate it, and then used it for wireless access to the system from her laptop while she sat in the back of the vehicle.
Once Harry and Cage took the elevator down to the basement level, cell phone communication would not be possible. And so, they came prepared with shortwave radio equipment. Before Harry and Cage went in, they tested it to make sure it was working properly. Hermione would be able to inform them of the guards’ movements as she saw them over the video surveillance system.
Cage and Harry were both in disguise, which was necessary to get past the guards and into the building, but also so no one would recognize the famous actor. And so, Harry and Cage left the rented van and went inside. Their stern librarian disguises were Hollywood caliber. The guards barely noticed them and hardly glanced at their fake IDs. They were such plain-looking women, no one took a second look at them as they navigated through the crowd attending the party.
They made their way to the service elevator. Cage inserted the key and turned the lock in the elevator so they could use it to access the basement, the restricted area where the Preservation Room was located.
Harry asked, “Where’d you get the key?”
Cage said, “It’s the copy from when we were filming National Treasure.”
“And they didn’t change the lock?”
“Why would they? Anyone would have to be insane to try and actually steal the Declaration of Independence!”
As the elevator brought them to their destination, Cage checked in with their computer expert. He said, “Hermione, we’re in the elevator heading down. What’s the guard status looking like?”
Hermione answered, “You’re clear, and I already have a feed looping on security monitors displaying the basement. They won’t be able to see you on the surveillance system. Currently the coast is clear. I’ll let you know if anything comes up.”
Cage said, “Roger that.” He turned to Harry and said, “So far, so good.”
In the meanwhile, Pigwedgie arrived outside the National Archives with a package for Ron. The old goat put its front hooves up against the service van’s driver side door and nearly scared Ron to death. Ron exclaimed, “Pigwedgie! Oh, wow, this is so great!” He got out of the van and led the family goat around to the side door of the rented vehicle. He opened it and let the family mail-carrier inside the back area.
Hermione exclaimed, “Ron! What are you doing? Keep the door shut! You want someone to become suspicious?”
Ron said, “Fine!” He slid the door closed, walked around to the driver’s side, and climbed back in.
Hermione was peeved. She angrily asked, “What the hell is your goat doing here while we’re running a delicate mission?”
Ron answered, “He was delivering a package. My wands are finally here. Isn’t that great? I can go in and catch up with Harry and Nick. They might need my help.”
He was hastily opening his package.
Hermione said, “Um, Ron. You’re not dressed for it.”
Ron realized it was true and said, “Darn it.” He sighed, slumped down in the
driver’s seat to sulk, and set the package down in the seat beside him.
From his slumped position, when he looked out the window again, he saw in the side mirror a black SUV had pulled up behind him. He noticed the vehicle had a vanity plate –
He took a while working it out, “Life Guth? Guth Life? TH-U-G Life. THU-G Life. THUG LIFE. Holy Crap! That’s the Fart Lord behind us. Hermione! The Fart Lord’s behind us! That’s his black SUV, the license plate says, ‘THUG LIFE!’”
Hermione asked, “Are you sure?”
Ron answered, “Yeah, I’m positive. Remember the night we brought Harry to the Boil? He said he was attacked by Oldyfart May in a black SUV with spinning rims and a license plate that read, ‘THUG LIFE.’”
“Let me see.” She took off her headset, placed it on the laptop and had to nearly climb into the passenger seat to see into the side mirror at an angle that she could read the license plate. After she verified the plate, she said, “I’ve got to warn Harry.”
Hermione returned to the back of the van. She yelled, “No, Pigwedgie! No!”
The old goat was busily chewing on her headset. She tried to take it from the animal, but the stubborn creature wouldn’t let go. He gave her a shove with his head and short horns, which knocked her over. She accidentally pushed the laptop off the back bench and onto the floor of the van with a crash.
“Ron, do something about this stupid goat!”
Ron chastised Pigwedgie, “Stop it, Wedgie! Give me that! Bad goat! Bad!” He retrieved the headset from the animal, however, it was in an obvious state of disrepair. Loose wires were hanging out of the goat’s mouth.
Hermione said, “Oh, great! Now how are we going to warn Harry and Nick?”
She tried the cell phone, but got no answer. She left a message, though she never-the-less knew it was unlikely that Harry would get it in time to matter.
She asked, “Ron, what are we going to do?”
Harry and Cage were in the Preservation Room with the Declaration of Independence. They were busy trying to unlock the bulletproof case that held the historic document, when they heard someone keying in the password. The cipher lock beeped with each button depressed. They quickly hid. Nick dropped under a desk. Harry crawled under a large work table.
Suddenly, Harry saw the legs of a goat standing next to the table. He heard the animal bleat. He peeked out from under the table and said aloud, “Funny, that old goat looks familiar. Almost like, Pigwedgie.”
He looked around but didn’t see anyone else, and so he crawled back out from under the table. He took the folded note out of the animal’s mouth. The outside of the paper read, “Harry.”
He opened the note and read it:
Hurry up, the Fart Lord just arrived,
Ron and Hermione
Harry said aloud, “What the heck? Why would they send a goat?”
Nick came out of his hiding spot. Harry showed him the note and said, “Look what they sent.”
The actor asked, “The goat delivered this? How’d it manage to do that?”
Harry said, “I don’t know! How’d he get by the invisible laser grid without setting off the alarms?”
“Well, we don’t know for sure that he didn’t. It may be a silent alarm. What I meant was, how did it manage to guess the ‘Valley Forge’ password, key it in on the touchpad, and open the cipher-locked door? Personally, I feel like this goat is trying to belittle my skills and accomplishments.”
Harry consoled, “Don’t worry, Nick, a goat could never replace you.”
The actor said, “Thanks. As for why they sent the goat in the first place, well, perhaps our prior radio signals were compromised. Based on this communication, we’ll have to assume radio silence. Hopefully not, and I hate to say it, but our friends may have been captured. We won’t know until…”
Just then, they heard a huge explosion that shook the floor and set off the alarms. A brash bell began to loudly and incessantly clang.
Harry said, “Uh oh, we’d better get out of here quick.”
Cage hefted the bulky bulletproof case that held the Declaration of Independence. He called out, “Grab the door!”
With the alarm already blaring, they ran through the invisible laser field. Halfway through, they heard an angry voice shout, “In-a-Godda-Da-Vida, Honey!”
Cage turned and blocked the spell with the display case. It reflected off the bulletproof glass and a Fungus Eater ducked to avoid the returning bolt of energy.
Cage yelled, “Grab the elevator!”
Harry ran ahead of the actor and pushed the button to call the elevator. Pigwedgie followed. Cage worked his way backwards, using the historic document’s protective spell-proof container as a shield to block numerous death curses.
As they waited impatiently for the elevator to arrive, Harry took cover behind Cage’s bulky shield. He began firing spells back at Moldyfart and his Fungus Eaters.
When the elevator doors opened, they quickly got on. Harry tapped furiously at the ‘close door’ button. In the meanwhile, they continued to defend themselves until the door finally and thankfully slid closed.
As they traveled upward, Cage worked open the clasp on the Declaration’s display case. He removed the historic document.
Harry said, “Quick, we gotta destroy it!”
Cage said, “How? We can’t light it on fire in the elevator, we’ll get stuck between floors.”
Pigwedgie knew how to destroy it. He began to eat the Declaration of Independence.
Harry and Cage were shocked for a moment. Then they began to call their encouragement, “Chew, Pigwedgie! Chew!”
Cage said, “Faster, Goat. Eat faster.”
However, the animal couldn’t eat the whole document before the elevator arrived at the first floor. The goat was only a third of the way finished when the doors opened.
Several of the party guests looked over and saw the open elevator door. Inside, the empty bulletproof display case leaned against the back wall. In front of it, a goat was chewing up the celebrated written foundation of the United States of America, the most important document in the National Archive, the reason for the evening’s gala event. Their jaws dropped.
Cage stepped out of the elevator. Harry tapped a button for the top floor as he exited. Everyone watched Pigwedgie continue to eat the cherished symbol of liberty until the doors closed. Harry knew he could count on Pigwedgie to finish destroying the evil document.
They quickly pushed through the crowded party. Cage had his wand out. He kept saying the magic words, “Don’t forget to brush with Colgate Toothpaste.” The actor was a master with that spell. The guests closest to them made their way to the bathrooms to brush their teeth, before they realized they didn’t have their toothbrushes with them. They each felt a bit foolish, however, the two librarians and the goat were completely erased from their minds. The same spell sent the guards at the front door scurrying towards the men’s room.
The two librarians hurried from the National Archive building to the waiting white van. As they ran, Fungus Eaters jumped out of Moldyfart’s black SUV. They began casting unforgettable curses. Harry and Nick countered their attacks with their own spells. Meanwhile, Hermione slid the van’s side door wide open and got out of the way. The disguised men leapt into the back of the vehicle.
The van surged forward as Ron took off, before they had even closed the door behind them. In the side mirror, Ron watched the black SUV. A moment later, Moldyfart’s vehicle sped after them. Ron turned the corner sharply.
Harry Putter & the Deathly Hairballs Page 18