The movie won a slew of awards, chief among them was the Oscar for Best Picture. Nicholas Cage won the Academy Award for Best Actor for his portrayal of Spanky Wu-Tang. (Harry Putter was not considered a worthy enough name for a Hollywood blockbuster hero.) Will Smith ran away with the Oscar for Best Supporting actor for his role as Ron Cheesley. Angelina Jolie swept up the Best Actress award for her rendition of Hermione Stranger. And though he didn’t win an Academy Award, Toby McGuire received rave reviews for his portrayal of Soul Splitter, better known as Lord Moldyfart.
And incidentally, there was a sequel, The Return of the King II: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. However, the sequel had nothing to do with any of Harry’s real life adventures. Of the original cast, only Nicholas Cage was in it, and it consequently bombed at the box office and was trashed in all its reviews.
And so Harry sighed, as he often did, remembering fondly his school years. Yu Rang groaned. Obviously, she was reminiscing too.
The overweight auditor thought to himself, “It’s too bad Ron and Hermione couldn’t be here to see their son off to school too.”
However, young Skippy (short for Skipper), was going to attend Oxford preschool. Harry couldn’t really fault Ron and Hermione for it. They were in the public eye and Hogwashes didn’t have quite the same reputation and prestige as Oxford, as though that should matter.
Shorty after the death of Lord Moldyfart, Ron Cheesley became King of France. It was determined that his lineage on his mother’s side was from a French Paladin of the surname De Fromage. However, more importantly his father was a direct descendent of Louis the Fourteenth. After the French Army had surrendered, their Prime Minister resigned in embarrassment. The French people became disgusted with the rest of the spineless, gutless, and sissified aristocracy that had pervaded the fifth Republic’s assembly, senate, and other ministry positions.
The French people rose in revolt forming a giant ragtag army of civilians flocking to the sword of kings – Excalibur. In a needlessly bloody coup d’état, they overthrew the government that was already in disarray due to the unexpected resignation of the Prime Minister. The French army, of course, did not engage the French people in combat. Seeing how things were going, they joined sides with the citizens and helped them to overthrow the Fifth Republic. The people were only too glad to install a new regime and begin a new era.
That era began with optimism and hope in the Return of the King. The people stole the Crown of Louis XV from the Louvre Museum and used it in the coronation ceremony. They named Ron king, or more specifically, Roi Ronald Qui a Un Goût de Fromage, meaning King Ronald, who has a taste of cheese. In the same ceremony, they placed the Crown of Empress Eugenie, also stolen from the Louvre, upon the head of Hermione Stranger, his newly taken wife. They had lots of names for her, such as: disgusting harpy, tacky she-devil, repulsive wench, out-of-style shrew, stuck-up strumpet, tasteless tart, unfashionable snot, pouting know-it-all, and big-headed freak.
And so, Ron and Hermione wouldn’t be there waiting for the Hogwashes Express to arrive. Unfortunately, Faco Maldoy showed up with his wife, Panties Pimpleton, and their son, Scrumptious Maldoy. The preschooler was holding the hand of a six-foot tall female android.
Harry groaned at their arrival.
Maldoy, his voice full of derision, said, “Putter.”
Harry replied with detestation, “Maldoy.”
Maldoy asked, “Still shoveling horse manure, Putter?”
Harry asked, “You mean like you did in your book?”
Harry was referring to the bestseller Faco had written eighteen years earlier, The Truth About Harry Putter: Secrets Only a Best Friend Would Know. The blonde-haired swindler had cashed in on Putter’s notoriety, dishing the dirt in a slamming exposé that shredded Putter’s character or, depending on your perspective, lack thereof. In doing so, Maldoy had become filthy rich in a way Harry never managed for himself. Despite the success of the movie about his life, Putter neglected to sufficiently protect his rights to his own story, and so, did not profit overly from the blockbuster film.
Scrumptious said to Pugsly, “I’m bringing in my droid, I named her ‘Optimus Prime.’ What do you got for show and tell?”
Pugsly took out his show and tell from his little backpack. It was a Return of the King action figure of Nicholas Cage’s character, Spanky Wu-Tang.
“Pffft,” Scrumptious asked, “What’s the matter with you, Putter? Don’t you have any real toys?”
Pugsly stuck his tongue out at the obnoxious little boy. The preschool Maldoy returned the favor.
Harry sighed and thought to himself, “Memories are like kittens, reality is like a full grown cat.”
Also by Timothy R. O’Donnell:
The Epic Erthelba Series
Iibrahiim introduces a post-apocalyptic earth of adapting life forms, some of which can use ‘magic,’ including man, who has evolved into five races. Iibrahiim explores rich and fascinating new cultures, philosophies, and religions, while telling the tale of one of its heroes, Quaagthook. Meanwhile, the over arching storyline examines the nature of reality and perception, and man’s obligation to himself – to discover his life’s purpose, and to fulfill the reason for his existence, if possible.
Nothing good ever comes from the darkness! The saga continues in Polydora, the second novel in the epic Erthelba series. Quaagthook encounters the soulless Umaanii, a warlike race, cruel and quick to fight. Meanwhile, his soul is trapped in Polydora’s Abyss. He must match wits with the conniving goddess of evil, with not only his life, but his very soul at stake. How does a mere mortal defy and defeat an all-powerful goddess?
What destiny lies within the Goddess of Fate’s control? The saga continues in Hgia Lucii, the third novel in the epic Erthelba series. Quaagthook discovers the dead do not always rest peacefully. In the Realm of Discord, a chaotic domain with aberrations hitherto unimagined – demons are unfathomably embodied as in no other realm. Here only the strangest of chances make survival possible. Here the Goddess, Hgia Lucii holds his soul in the palm of her hand. How will he win it back?
Quaagthook discovers the only commodity of value is his everlasting soul. Another god was even at that heartbeat endeavoring to obtain it. But the price, he would have to pay to save it is unbearably high. As difficult as his previous tests were, they pale by comparison to the temptation of the god of law. The saga continues in Athandoros, the final novel in the epic Erthelba series.
And the Hysterical Parody:
"The Chamber of Cheesecakes has been opened. Dieters Beware!" reads the sinister warning in this hysterical parody of J.K. Rowling's "Harry Potter" series. In this farce all of your favorite Harry Potter characters, places, and past events have been twisted around with devilish wit. You'll follow the adventures of Harry Putter, Ron Cheesley, and Hermione Stranger in their sixth year at school, seventh if you count preschool. While some of the encounters are spoofs reminiscent of the original tales, others are new, keeping the storyline fresh and unpredictable. If you like the original Harry Potter series, you'll love this crazy parody.
Table of Contents
Chapter 1 – Memories are Like Kittens, Reality is Like a Full Grown Cat
Chapter 2 – That Really Gets my Goat!
Chapter 3 – Everything Comes to a Boil
Chapter 4 – Where there’s a will
Chapter 5 – The Wedding Crashers
Chapter 6 – Grim Old Place
Chapter 7 – The Most Exciting Monday Ever
Chapter 8 – Aftermath
Chapter 9 – Goldbrick Shallows
Chapter 10 – A Surprise Christmas Visit
Chapter 11 – Christmas List
Chapter 12 – Silver and Goat
Chapter 13 – The Three Bad Kittens
Chapter 14 – Home is Where the Fart is
Chapter 15 – Hoaxcrock Destroying Rampage
Chapter 16 – All’s Fair in Louvre and War
Chapter 17 – The Holy Grail of Hoaxcrocks
> Chapter 18 – Irrational Treasure
Chapter 19 – Calling Elvis
Chapter 20 – School of Hard Knocks
Chapter 21 – The Final Battle Rages On
Chapter 22 – The Deathly Hairballs
Chapter 23 – Epilogue: 19 Years Later
Table of Contents
Chapter 1 – Memories are Like Kittens, Reality is Like a Full Grown Cat
Chapter 2 – That Really Gets my Goat!
Chapter 3 – Everything Comes to a Boil
Chapter 4 – Where there’s a will
Chapter 5 – The Wedding Crashers
Chapter 6 – Grim Old Place
Chapter 7 – The Most Exciting Monday Ever
Chapter 8 – Aftermath
Chapter 9 – Goldbrick Shallows
Chapter 10 – A Surprise Christmas Visit
Chapter 11 – Christmas List
Chapter 12 – Silver and Goat
Chapter 13 – The Three Bad Kittens
Chapter 14 – Home is Where the Fart is
Chapter 15 – Hoaxcrock Destroying Rampage
Chapter 16 – All’s Fair in Louvre and War
Chapter 17 – The Holy Grail of Hoaxcrocks
Chapter 18 – Irrational Treasure
Chapter 19 – Calling Elvis
Chapter 20 – School of Hard Knocks
Chapter 21 – The Final Battle Rages On
Chapter 22 – The Deathly Hairballs
Chapter 23 – Epilogue: 19 Years Later
Harry Putter & the Deathly Hairballs Page 25