by Rich Amooi
She inhaled deeply and smiled. “Something smells wonderful.”
“Aqua Velva.”
Clueless. And he wore the same aftershave as Grandpa Frank. Great. At least he had excellent taste in food. Rafael’s had amazing tri-tip sandwiches and cheesecake.
Dick made a sharp turn to the right, passing right by the front door of Rafael’s. Where the heck was he going? Ellie’s eyes opened wide as they got closer to the building on the corner.
No, he wouldn’t. Please. Please. God no.
Her heart rate sped up.
A first date was supposed to be romantic—well, in her opinion. Surely he wouldn’t …
Dick reached for the handle, swung the door open, and waved Ellie through, like he was welcoming her to the White House.
Pickles!
She paused at the front door. “You’re kidding, right?”
“Not at all, they have the best wings in the world.”
Wings. Right.
Ellie knew any guy who came to this place was most likely a breast man.
“Welcome to Hooters,” said the hostess. “Two?”
Dick nodded. “Yes, please.”
The woman—or more accurate, scantily clad girl—grabbed two menus and gestured for them to follow. “Right this way.”
As they followed the hostess, Ellie glanced around the restaurant at the countless monitors showing sporting events and the fine wood detail of the bar and ceiling.
“The wings are why I always come back,” said Dick.
“Right.” Ellie eyed the waitresses in their short shorts and low-cut blouses, with their cups that overfloweth. As the waitress took their drink orders, Ellie found her thoughts wandering just a tad.
I can fit half of the waitress’s left boob in my purse.
This was going to be more difficult than she thought—she needed to focus.
Dick cleared his throat. “We’d like separate checks please.”
The waitress looked over to Ellie. “Umm … Okay.”
Dick turned to Ellie as well. “Naturally, I assumed you’d want to go Dutch. Equality for women … and all that.”
“How noble of you,” said the waitress, frowning at Ellie.
Ellie forced a smile at the waitress before she walked away.
Strike two!
Dick pulled out a receipt book and calculator. “Speaking of splitting things evenly, I need to do some quick calculations before we get to the courting.”
“Courting?”
“Absolutely.”
The things Ellie had to endure to find a man. Ever since her two best friends got married and moved away last year, she felt more pressure than ever to find someone to settle down with. With no parents in the picture, and a brother who lived in Wyoming, to say Ellie’s social life took a big hit would be an understatement. The only people she’d been hanging out with recently were Julio and Grandpa Frank. They were great—wonderful, actually—but she wanted more.
Dick smiled and slid on his reading glasses. “Okie dokey, I put forty dollars’ worth of gasoline in my car to come here this evening. Based on the eighty miles each way I’ll drive, never exceeding the speed limit, calculating traffic and construction delays, and a car that gets exactly twenty-point-seven miles per gallon …” He punched in some numbers on his calculator. “I expect to use thirty-two dollars of said gasoline, which means your share would be sixteen dollars.”
Ellie stared at him and waited for the laugh that never came.
He was serious.
Do it for the promotion. Do it for the promotion. Do it for the promotion.
Dick smacked himself on the forehead. “Almost forgot, I’m going to have to pay six dollars to cross back over the Golden Gate Bridge tonight to get home. Your half of six is three, plus the sixteen you owe me for the gas, for a grand total of—”
“Nineteen dollars. Let’s just round it up to twenty. Do you accept cash?”
Dick slapped his thighs with the palms of his hands as his left eye fluttered. “You are wonderful. I love your enthusiasm. And getting the money out of the way will make it less awkward later on when we, you know, say good night. Unless we end up saying good morning!” Dick winked and wrote her a receipt for the twenty dollars, asking for her signature at the bottom. “Press hard.”
Strike three!
Five bricks—five hundred dollars—down the drain.
“Excuse me, Dick.” Ellie handed him the pen and receipt. “I just need to freshen up a bit.” She grabbed her purse and stood up to leave. “Be back in a jiffy.”
“Of course, of course. Well, don’t take too long. I want to tell you about some great investments with IRAs that will just knock your socks off.”
“I can’t wait.” She forced another smile as her body shivered, anxious to escape. “Neither can my socks.”
Ellie walked through the tables toward the lobby, knocking over a fake indoor plant in the process. She righted the plant, pushed the front door open, and tripped over the welcome mat, falling straight into the crotch of a teenage boy in a stinky soccer uniform. The boy smiled.
Ellie wiped her face. “Sorry.”
She popped back up, brushed off her hands, and waited for a group of people walking by so they could shield her as she passed by the window in front of Dick. She took a quick glance through the window to see if Dick had a clue as to what was going on, but he was busy cleaning his calculator.
As Ellie walked to her car, she thought of the losers she’d gone out with recently. Men she’d found through online dating. They seemed fine on their profiles. But you learn so much more about a person when you meet them face-to-face and they show their true selves. Especially when they open their mouths.
On paper, Dick was a ten. In person, a big fat goose egg. Okay, maybe that was harsh. He was on time, so she had to give him credit for that.
Ellie laughed. “A night with Dick and hooters.” She scooted behind several people at the intersection and waited with them for the light to change. It was just after six and the traffic was extra crazy today, for some reason. As she waited, she couldn’t help but notice the broad shoulders and nice butt of the man in front of her. She leaned to the side to see what his face looked like. Very nice. Handsome. He had smooth olive skin and short black hair. Italian or Greek. Maybe Spanish. And possibly stupid.
What was he doing?
The man looked both ways, like he wanted to cross the street—even though the light was red.
Bad idea, considering the amount of traffic.
“Don’t even think about it …” Ellie knew the intersection very well.
The man ignored her and proceeded to step off the curb.
“Hey, are you crazy?” She grabbed the man’s arm and pulled him back as a UPS truck zipped by, the driver honking his horn.
Chapter Three
Cedric’s heart slammed into his ribs. He watched as the UPS truck that almost took him out, disappeared down the street.
What an idiot.
He was running five minutes late to meet a real estate lawyer, obviously not paying attention. Cedric had a lot on his mind, but that didn’t mean he had to jeopardize his own life and/or break the law. You can’t solve problems when you’re dead.
He spun around and saw a woman with dark, shoulder-length, wavy hair, and big brown eyes that matched the color of the UPS truck. His gaze dropped to her hand that still held on to his shirt.
No ring.
Yeah. Like he was going to do anything about that.
“Dude, that truck would have killed you,” said a man next to her with a San Jose Sharks hat. “She saved your life!”
“Not necessarily,” the woman said, letting go of Cedric’s shirt and kindly trying to smooth out the wrinkles. “The most common injuries from the impact of a car are broken legs and hips. He could have easily recovered in six to eight months.”
“He was a goner,” said the man, walking away.
Ellie shook her head. “People exaggerate.”
Ellie smiled and it felt like someone kicked Cedric in the gut. What a glorious smile—the kind that could easily melt the cheese on his favorite grilled eggplant sandwich. Cedric lost the ability to speak.
What was going on here? Maybe the woman had hypnotic powers. Yeah, that had to be it. In fact, maybe she worked with a gang of thieves. She hypnotizes people with her beauty and someone else swoops in and steals the person’s money. Cedric casually dropped his hand down to his pocket, checking for his wallet.
“Are you okay?” asked the woman.
He stared at her lips that seemed to be saying, kiss me.
“What?” She covered her mouth with her hand. “Do I have something in my teeth?”
“Huh? No! It’s just … did you have braces as a child?”
Cedric wanted to punch himself in the face. That had to be the most idiotic question in the history of the world. He knew he was out of practice, but what a pathetic attempt at trying to engage in a conversation with the opposite sex. Maybe she wouldn’t think anything of it.
“That’s an odd question.”
Damn.
“But, yes, I did,” she continued. “Shouldn’t be a surprise, though. Forty-five percent of children need braces on their teeth at some point.”
“Is that so?”
This woman was a walking Wikipedia.
“Yes,” she said. “Although seventy-five percent of people fear the dentist.”
“I now have a fear of large brown trucks.”
The woman laughed. “You’ll be okay. Just watch where you’re going.”
“Good advice.” Cedric stared at the woman who seemed to be radiating kindness. “How did you know the UPS truck was coming?”
“The company has ninety thousand trucks. It was very likely.”
Cedric laughed. “You’re funny.”
“Thanks. I should get back to work.”
“And beautiful.”
“Thanks again. Take care.”
The light turned green at the intersection and the woman gave Cedric another heart-stopping smile as she walked past him to cross the street.
“Wait,” said Cedric.
The woman stopped, turned, and stepped back up onto the curb. “Yes?”
Cedric couldn’t help notice her skirt doing a little cha cha cha with the breeze. If the world ever had a leg shortage, it could borrow some from her.
She narrowed her eyes at him.
Busted.
Cedric grimaced. “Sorry. Must be in shock from the near-death experience.”
“Of course.” The woman cocked her head to the side to analyze Cedric. “Anything else?”
Cedric was trying hard to get himself back out there, but that voice in his head returned—as it always did—and snapped him out of his female-induced coma.
Relationships equal pain.
He didn’t answer and just stood there, waiting for her to get the hint.
It didn’t take long before the woman’s smile disappeared. Then so did she.
*****
The next morning rolled around and Cedric slipped on a T-shirt and shorts, as Tofu lay completely sprawled out on his doggy bed.
“I’m an idiot. Did you know that?”
Tofu opened one eye to look at Cedric, and then closed it, returning back to his bliss.
“I met a woman. You should have seen her. Brunette, beautiful brown eyes, legs for days, kind, smelled nice … but when that moment came, you know, the chance to ask her out? I fell flat on my face. Splat.”
Tofu popped up on to all fours and ran to the window.
Cedric laughed. “No, I didn’t say cat, I said … never mind.” He sat down on the reading chair next to the bed to put on his running shoes. “Time for a run, buddy.”
Tofu showed his enthusiasm by banging the hell out of the geranium plant next to the window with his tail, knocking leaves and flowers to the floor.
“Control your tail or you’re going to lose it.”
Tofu jumped onto Cedric’s lap and licked his chin. Cedric smiled and scratched Tofu between the ears.
“Okay, okay. You can keep the tail. But you need to do something about that doggy breath.”
He turned up the volume on his iPod. “Beautiful Day” by U2 pumped into his ears as he ran down the sidewalk on Lincoln Avenue toward downtown. He enjoyed the peace and the fresh morning air as he passed the Starbucks, Hicklebee’s Bookstore and La Villa, the Italian Delicatessen.
Cedric stopped at the bus stop in front of the Wells Fargo Bank and put his foot on the bench, retying a shoelace that had a mind of its own. A woman at the ATM turned around and seemed to be watching him, but he pretended not to notice her long legs, short skirt, and turquoise blouse with an illustration of what appeared to be something from Picasso. His eyes finally lifted to see her face and—
Holy hell in a wishing well.
His guardian angel. The woman who saved him from being plastered by the UPS truck. And judging by the look on her face, she was just as surprised as he was.
Cedric turned off his iPod and removed the earbuds. “We meet again.”
“Yes.” She slid some bills into her wallet and stepped away from the ATM. “Been hit by any large trucks lately?”
Cedric laughed. “No. I met a beautiful woman last night who taught me a valuable lesson.”
The woman blushed. “I see. And what would that lesson be? Let me guess, wait for the light to change before crossing?”
Cedric nodded. “And also … don’t forget to say thank you.”
The woman nodded and smiled. “I’m Ellie, by the way.”
“I’m Cedric. And seriously, thank you for last night. I was rude.” He shrugged. “I guess my mind was somewhere else.” Like on her legs. And her hair. Can’t forget those lips either. “Or maybe I just have some unresolved issues.”
Ellie laughed. “Who doesn’t?”
“Good point.”
There was something about this woman—besides her beauty—that Cedric liked. She had personality and he was pretty sure they had a connection. Otherwise, why would she still be talking to him? The thought of asking her out got his heart pounding. Maybe small talk first would calm his nerves before he asked her.
“You work around here?”
“Yeah, just around the corner at—”
Tofu yanked the leash from Cedric’s hand and took off down the sidewalk. “Crap! Excuse me, gotta run. Nice seeing you!” he added as he sprinted down the street.
Great timing, Tofu. He must have seen a squirrel or a cat. Cedric wasn’t holding onto the leash very well, obviously distracted by Ellie. He wanted to talk more with her, but if anything happened to Tofu, he’d be devastated.
“Arf. Arf, arf, arf.”
“Tofu, stop!”
The dog finally stopped a hundred yards down the street by a row of bushes on the side of a building.
When he caught up to Tofu, Cedric gasped. “Holy crap.”
Tofu was sniffing a man who lay on the ground. A dead man?
He moved toward the man to get a closer look. Most likely in his forties, the man was dressed in shorts, a T-shirt, and tennis shoes. He must have been on the way to the athletic club, Cedric thought, as he eyed the man’s bag of tennis rackets.
Tofu sniffed the man’s shoes and Cedric grabbed the man’s wrist and checked for a pulse. He thought he felt something faint, but wasn’t sure.
“Arf. Arf, arf, arf.”
Tofu licked the man on the face and Cedric pulled him back.
“No, Tofu.”
Cedric pressed 9-1-1 on his cell phone, then clamped it between his shoulder and cheek, tying Tofu to a post.
“9-1-1,” answered the dispatcher. “What’s your emergency?”
“I found a man on the ground, unconscious.” Cedric’s phone slipped from his hands and landed in between the man’s legs. “Crap.” Cedric reached in to grab his phone.
�
��Sir, are you there?”
“Yeah. I’m here.”
“Sir, where are you?”
“Right next to—” Cedric stared at his phone that was in two pieces, the body of the phone still in his hand and the battery that fell in between the man’s legs. His heart raced. He got down on his knees and looked into the man’s mouth. There didn’t appear to be anything blocking the airway, so he loosened the man’s jacket, tilted his head back, pinched his nostrils shut, and blew air into his lungs.
He paused a moment and then blew air into his lungs again and heard the sound of a car approaching. Cedric felt as if somebody was watching him, and he tried to stay focused. He grabbed his cell phone battery from between the man’s legs, counting the time in between compressions and looked behind himself, noticing a Chinese man sitting in an old Ford Escort station wagon. The man watched Cedric through the driver’s side window.
Tofu barked and the man took off. He traveled about thirty feet, slammed on the brakes, put it in reverse, and drove backwards, ending up right back where he was a few seconds earlier.
Cedric watched the man throw a newspaper from the car window, landing perfectly in front of the door of one of the shops. He nervously looked over to Cedric again and then took off.
Cedric looked back down at the man on the ground who now had his eyes open. “You okay?”
The man coughed. “Never been better.”
Cedric wiped his mouth.
“You didn’t just…”
“What?”
“Mouth-to-mouth?”
“Of course. I thought you were dying.”
The man wiped his mouth too. “God. People don’t do that anymore. Hasn’t anyone heard of chest compressions? And even that wasn’t necessary. You’re the fourth one this week.”
“The fourth?”
“I’m a chronic fainter.”
Cedric blinked.
“Orthostatic hypotension is what they call it,” the man continued. “It may be linked to Lupus. Whatever the reason, I faint almost as much as I go to the bathroom. Hey, give me a hand, would ya?”
Cedric grabbed his hand and pulled him up to his feet. “You pass out every day?”
The man nodded and brushed off the rear of his pants, then the front. “And I’ve fainted in some odd places too. My class reunion, a 49er game, the confessional booth. Heck, I’ve even fainted while driving.”