by Anna B. Doe
“Yeah, well. If you are not dying, you better not mess with my workout regimen.”
“You work out?”
If he was here, I would punch him in the nuts.
Will cracks out laughing because he can probably feel my irritation from here.
“All right, all right. I’m shutting my mouth …”
“You better. After all, I’m the one who has all the info you might eventually need on Anabel.”
“That’s true. I want to be on your good side.”
“All of my sides are good, Price.”
“I’ll never say anything the right way, will I?” He sighs.
“You can always try,” I tease him and crush into the couch. “What do I owe the pleasure of you calling me?”
“Can’t a guy just call to see how his friend’s doing?”
I pretend to think for a few seconds, but he beats me to the answer.
“You know what? Don’t answer that.”
“Smart move.”
“So, you know how I texted you the other day about Bel?”
I hum in agreement as I turn on the TV and switch through channels looking for something good to watch.
“I’ve got you two tickets to this week’s home game.”
“She agreed to come?” My brows rise in surprise.
Anabel is always so skittish I wouldn’t put it past her to resist to the maximum. Agreeing to go to the game on the first try? He has some kind of crazy skill of persuasion or he’s not telling the truth.
There is a pregnant pause on the other end of the line before he mumbles his agreement.
“That didn’t sound too convincing.”
“She’ll come.”
“She better.”
In the end, I was right.
Anabel did not, under any circumstances, agree to come to the game. She was majorly pissed about it and we had a heated discussion about it. If Adam didn’t come I would probably have to take her home and then return to the game because I promised J.D. I’d be there.
Sports were never my thing. I went to the games during my school years, but it was more because everybody else went than for my own passion for the sport. Everybody did it so I went along. Now that I’m older, I don’t have time to spend on stuff that doesn’t interest me so I don’t go. I don’t even watch it on TV. There are so many TV shows and movies that are way more interesting.
But I have to admit I had fun.
It was amusing watching Bel watch the game for the first time in her life. When she described American football with “the guys are fighting” I almost peed my pants—that’s how hard I was laughing.
Even hours later it’s still playing on repeat in my head.
Her stupefied expression, her high-pitched shriek … Everything was just too much.
“You’ll excuse me, I have to get home. Some of us have to work early in the morning,” Bel’s words and harsh tone make me turn my head in her direction.
She gets on her feet, ignoring Will completely as she puts on her jacket. It’s obvious she’s pissed, and I wonder what he said to her to make her even madder than she was before.
“Anabel …”
Will’s eyes dart to mine asking silently for help, but one look at Anabel and I know that’s not the best decision. She needs some time to cool off.
Silently, I shake my head and get to my feet. “Guess it’s time to go. It was so nice to meet you, Emily. Nate.”
I kiss William’s mother and brother goodbye. Yep, they were at the game too. Surprise, surprise. It’s not even strange Bel is so pissed. If I was suddenly introduced to the parents of the guy I’m seeing I’d … well, I’d probably run in the other direction as fast as my six-inch heels could take me.
Thankfully, the guy I’m fucking didn’t have any family around today so I didn’t have to try out my hypothesis nor my ability to run in heels.
J.D.’s eyes take me in as I close the distance between us. His pupils dilate before my very eyes as he hungrily looks at me. I feel my own heartbeat kick up a notch and need starts rising inside me.
“Did I tell you how good you look in that jersey?”
I may have gone overboard a little bit. Just a little, tiny bit.
Today I look more casual than usual in skinny jeans and a Knights’ jersey with his name and number. Hey, I’m just lifting team spirit. That’s all. No harm done. And maybe I used a red ribbon to tie my hair in a ponytail. The same shade of red that matches his jersey and my red lips.
“You can never compliment a girl too much.”
“Then, let me say once again, you look stunning, baby doll.”
I frown at him. “Didn’t we agree to ditch the nickname?”
J.D.’s finger taps my nose. “We did agree on no such thing.”
“Whatever.” I roll my eyes. “You wanna come tonight?”
His light eyes darken for a second but then the light from the phone catches his attention signaling he has a message.
That damn phone has been sitting on the table the whole time.
Oh, he tried to hide it, and I don’t think anyone paid any attention to it. Anyone but me. I saw every time his gaze lowered to the phone. I saw every time he casually unlocked it and answered the message.
“I’m sorry. I can’t tonight.”
My eyes land on the phone and he sees it, but neither of us comment on it. Something that feels a lot like envy and jealousy rises inside of me, but I push it away.
We’re fuck buddies. Fuck buddies fuck, they don’t feel.
“That’s okay.” I shrug nonchalantly. “Another time.”
“Si—”
“Should I pay the—”
“Don’t be silly,” he cuts me off before I can finish my sentence. Accepting the change of subject. “We won today. It’s our treat.”
“Thank you.” I nod in acknowledgment.
From the corner of my eye, I can see Will put his hand on the small of Bel’s back as they start toward the exit.
“I guess I’ll see you soon.”
We both say our goodbyes yet again and go out.
Our ride home is quiet. Bel is probably thinking through whatever Will said to her just now or maybe thinking about how this day turned out.
Me?
I’m trying to figure out who J.D. was texting the whole night and why it bothers me so darn much.
“Oh, my God!” I sigh loudly and throw myself on the bed. “That is a lot of work. I don’t know how you, Lisa, or anybody else, for that matter, do this every day.”
Because I was away for a while now and I missed my family I decided to visit them and crash there for dinner. Lisa’s cooking beats any takeout possible.
Ivy and Bella were so happy to see me, and after the dinner, I played with them and helped Anabel put them to bed. Playing with kids is always fun, I could do it all day long. But god, do I hate other things.
You always have to make them eat because they are so picky, taking a bath is unnecessary and don’t even get me started on brushing teeth! It’s like you ask them to put poop in their mouth and I’m fairly certain they’d rather do the second thing than the first.
We’ve showered the girls and put them to bed, and I’m ready to fall asleep myself!
“It’s not usually like this. They are just excited. It’s not every night Auntie puts them to bed.”
“What can I say? I’m special, after all.” We both laugh quietly at that.
I can say whatever I want about them, but I love those girls like they are my own. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for them. I love the fact that they are so innocent, and for them, I’m their invincible, beautiful princess aunt. And I want them to stay that way as long as possible. To see the beauty around them even though it’s surrounded by darkness.
“How is work?” Bel’s words bring me out of my thoughts.
“It wasn’t work work, but it was good. I met with Alice. We had to go over some paperwork and she had some new contract for me to sign. What about
you? Anything new happening around here?”
“Nope. Same old boring me.”
“No text from William?” I arch my brow, although her eyes are closed and she can’t see me.
She’s not wearing any makeup so the dark shadows under her eyes are more prominent than usual. Anabel’s been all work no play for a few months now and it’s been taking its toll on her body. Taking care of two little girls, working part-time in a cafe bar and working on her book at night—and she told me about that only recently—it can’t be easy. Add to the mix all the resistance against William and her own feelings …
“Not that I’m aware of. I guess he is busy with that bowl thing of his.”
Anabel frowns at her own words. She probably doesn’t even realize how easy it is to read her. How easy her emotions get the best of her no matter how hard she tries to hide them. She’s falling in love with Will, although she’s putting up her best fight to stop it. But some feelings can’t be escaped.
I laugh—partly at her words, and partly at my thoughts.
“What’s funny?”
“‘That bowl thing’? I think we should start writing down your comments about football.”
“Wasn’t it a bowl?” Her frown deepens.
“The Super Bowl, not a ‘bowl thing’,” I correct her, biting the inside of my cheek to stop from laughing. She’s so cute. “It’s the biggest and most important game in football.”
“Whatever,” she sighs in surrender. She’s so innocent and she wouldn’t give a shit if you were freaking President of the United States of America. In her eyes, you’d still be the same.
A person.
A friend.
“Why don’t you text him?”
“Si.”
That one syllable shows all her frustration with my choice of subject. This is not the first time we’ve discussed this subject, and I know how irritating it must be, but doesn’t she see how perfect they are for each other? How cute they look together? Can’t she see the way he looks at her?
Long ago, when I still believed love was possible for me, I would have given anything to have a guy look at me that way.
“What? You should do it. He’d be happy.”
“You are acting like you are twelve again.” Bel rolls her eyes at me. “Yes, I like him. I won’t try to pretend I don’t, but, like I already told you, we are from two different worlds and I’m not here permanently. In a few short months, I’ll be going back, and I don’t want to fall for a guy I’ll have to leave behind. It’ll be bad enough to leave you, the girls, Lisa, Colin …” Her voice breaks and she takes on a deep breath in. “I’m not the girl that plays around, Sienna. I don’t do casual. I’m not even sure I can be friends because just being with him makes me feel things I’ve never felt with anybody else.”
My hard heart squeezes in solidarity with hers. I can feel her pain. I understand it, maybe better than she herself will ever be able to understand.
But if I were in her shoes—if I found somebody that loves me and looks at me like William does at her—I would risk it all. Even if it’s only for a short few months. The thing they have, it’s worth risking it all and as her friend, I don’t want her to have any regrets.
“You could stay here,” Sienna interrupts my thoughts.
“Oh, please. Getting citizenship or even prolongation of a visa is almost impossible, and we both know it.”
Although it pains me, I have to admit she’s right. It’s a long process and it takes a lot of money, time, and connections. Something Bel doesn’t have.
She came here for a year to work as an Au Pair. Her papers are valid for that long, not a day more. We talked about her life back home and it’s so different from what we have going on here. Her family may not be poor but our middle class and her middle class are galaxies away.
“Not if you ask the right people.” I’ve never before said it out loud because deep down I know she won’t accept it. That’s just the way she is, but I have to give her option. “There is nothing money can’t buy, at least in a material sense.”
“You are not serious, are you?”
For a blink of an eye, I can see hope in her eyes, but it’s gone even faster.
“Of course I am!” I sit straight up in the bed. I want her to understand my offer is serious. There is nothing I wouldn’t do to help her. “I could ask somebody who knows more about legal stuff to look into it.”
“I can’t.” Bel shakes her head with regret. “My life is back there; my family is expecting me to come back home. I have to finish college … Maybe in a few years, when I’m done with that, I’ll come here again.”
I understand it. Although I don’t want to, I do. A part of her belongs to that world. A part of her will always belong there. She has her family there. Her friends. Her life.
“Back to school again, huh?” My head falls a little and a small smile appears on my lips.
“Yeah, I have two more years to finish my master’s, and then I’m done. What about you? Did you go to college?”
Memories of my past—the ones hidden deep down inside—start coming to the surface.
“I tried.” I laugh bitterly at my own words. “But college was never for me. It’s not that I’m not smart enough, although most people think models are stupid, and in some cases, they’re right. It’s just that sitting in classes, listening to professors talk, doing homework, and studying isn’t my thing, so I dropped out.”
“That’s understandable.”
“Really?” I lift my head to look at her.
“Yes, don’t be so surprised. College isn’t for everybody, so why waste your time on it if you can be doing something else that makes you happy? Are you happy with what are you doing?”
Maybe.
Sometimes.
Not really.
“I-I guess so. It’s fun. I travel a lot, meet new people, and the money is good.”
“But?”
There are so many buts I don’t know where to start.
But I never in my life imagined I’d be working as a model.
But when I was younger I was on a different path.
But I wish that things turned out differently for me.
So many buts, so many lost time and possibilities, so many regrets.
“I wasn’t always like this,” I tell her after a while.
Maybe it’s time I open up. Maybe it’s time I share my story with somebody else. When it all played out I didn’t want to talk about it. I was too ashamed.
Ashamed of what happened to me. Ashamed of the choices I made.
“I mean, I was always tall and skinny with small breasts and without curves, but I wasn’t always so … fashionable.”
That’s putting it mildly. I was a total geek. For a while, I had to wear glasses and braces. My clothes were always baggy, and I didn’t own a piece of girly clothes. No skirts and dresses for this girl. Only hoodies, tights, and leotards. When I wasn’t in the studio dancing, I was studying at home.
However, everything changed when I got to college.
“Anyway, there was this one guy I met my freshman year in college. He was hot and popular, and I had a crush on him. I even let my then-roommate and friend help me with clothes and makeup and hair to become cuter. And then, he noticed me. I was so happy and foolishly thought he liked me too, but he just used me to hook up every now and then and when he needed help with class work. In reality, as I found out a few months later, he was messing around with few other girls, including my so-called friend.”
I can see it all playing out in my head. How happy, how foolishly in love I was with him. I believed he felt the same for me.
Now when I look back, I see those little things I didn’t see before. How he was always texting somebody when he was with me. How he didn’t like to hold my hand and how he avoided me outside of the bedroom. How he never introduced me to his friends or took me on an actual date. How he would get irritated when I would ask for attention or want to do something together.
<
br /> For the first time in my life, I fell in love with somebody, and I thought it was forever.
On paper, we were the perfect dance power couple. When we were on the stage we shone so brightly, but it was all fake. He loved what I could give him, he loved how I made him stand out, but he didn’t love me.
And my so-called friend? She loved me for the same reasons, but she hated me even more for them.
She was the pretty one, the popular one, the one with a bunch of friends.
I was the quiet one, the smart one, but also the talented one.
That was the one thing I never ran away from. I didn’t shout it from the rooftops, but I accepted my gift and talent as such, and I was never ashamed of it.
She had so much more than I could ever have, but she was jealous nevertheless.
And jealousy? It does some ugly things to people.
“I confronted them individually, and then I cut ties with both. She tried to explain it to me, but it was all a bunch of crap, and I didn’t want to have anything to do with her anymore. Who the fuck betrays their best friend?
“Afterward, I was …,” I stop, searching for the right words. “A mess. Even before all of that happened, I wasn’t sure I wanted to continue with college, but at that moment I was sure. Then, one night at some party, I met Johnny.” A real smile finds a way to my lips. There is always light in the darkness. One can’t exist without the other. And my friend was that light for me.
“I was really drunk and don’t remember half of the things that were said or that I did and he never wanted to tell me, but at that time he was a senior and needed a model, so the next thing I know I’m doing a photo shoot and he’s sending the photos to some competition. We won, and, like people say, the rest is history.”
The silence that fills the room is loud. Which is a total oxymoron, but also a total truth.
My throat hurts from all the talking and I feel raw from all the memories, but at the same time, I feel as if a weight has lifted from my chest. I carried this secret for so long, hiding it from my family and what little friends I have. Sharing it today with Bel, it gives me hope that maybe I’ll be able to move on. To completely heal.
It’s hard to admit it, but I’ve carried all this anger and hurt inside me for so long it became a part of me. The two of them broke me and I didn’t know how to repair the damage they caused, so I simply built the wall around myself.