“Well I did find myself a hottie that night too. It’s true, I can slut like the best of them,” Kayla says with another smirk. “I want to find him again tonight, if I can recognize him. He was some piece. His dick was this longgggg,” she says, moving her hands wider and wider apart. “You shouldda seen my eyes, getting bigger as he pulls that huge fucking thing out of his pants. ‘Holy shit,’ I said to him, ‘Is that some kind of penis extension you’ve got on there?’ I fuck you not, that thing was enormous. Nearly broke me in two. But I still rode it like a damn cowgirl. Yeeeehaaaaawwww, bitches!”
I can tell that Kayla’s already had her fair share of pre-game, probably even before my vodka. She always gets dirty and crude when she drinks, mouthing off, swearing, talking about all her past penis performances. It’s hilarious and even though she has a pretty damn high tolerance for alcohol, she always gets rowdy right away. It’s her style. Not that the rest of us don’t swear like crazy. I have one mouth for my mother, teachers and work and another dirty raunchy mouth for my friends. The more fucks, shits, bitches, and whores, the better.
When we arrive at the Ghettos, we head toward a first floor apartment to the sounds of loud bumping rap music. Kayla pushes through a crowd of guys and girls ripping off butts outside the front door and we follow. Through the half-open door I can see people dancing or standing around drinking and what I can see of the crowd is mostly guys. I immediately spot the glinting keg in the corner while Celeste and Kayla greet their friend Sarah who lives upstairs and invited us to her neighbor Sean’s party.
I stare at the keg for a moment while they talk and realize that for once it’s less important to me since we’ve our own stash in Celeste’s large purse. My vodka from earlier in the night is now pre-mixed with soda and ready for consumption, after all, we can get drunk faster with the hard stuff. Finally we do push our way inside to the keg, anyway, grabbing cups off the dirty counter ‘cause “you should never turn down free beer,” as Kayla likes to say.
While I wait to fill my new red cup, I take in Sean’s apartment. It’s small, with couches against two walls and an open space in the middle for dancing. Several bedrooms and a bathroom open off this open space and the kitchen is toward the front, also open concept. It’s pretty trashed too, posters hanging sideways, bikini babes, weed posters and the floor looks pretty gross with strewn cups, paper towels and food containers. While I wait for my turn at the keg, I catch a glimpse what looks like a huge orange street cone in the bathroom in the tub. WTH? I laugh, pointing it out to Celeste who says that this apartment is known for their street cone bathtub gravity bong. Sweet.
We’ve got our drinks, and since the music is pumping, almost ear splitting and everyone is crammed into a small square between the couches, we make ourselves a place in the crowd and start dancing. Immediately, as if summoned, we’re approached by several guys, who talk and try to flirt and dance. A cute guy approaches me, tall with blonde hair and bright blue eyes, introducing himself to me as Keith. We talk for a while, yelling over the loud music and once I’ve had enough to drink I dance with him instead of Hannah. He’s a good dancer, charming me, making me laugh with his jokes and I’m thinking, fuck Jared.
Later after we’ve poured vodka drinks into our empty red cups, and have been drinking steadily, Keith sits down in a chair against the wall for a moment to get some alcohol out of his backpack. His friends are gathered around, as well as mine and one of his friends looks at me and says,
“It’s the kid’s birthday, give him a fuckin lapdance!”
I grin and nod my head no at first and then I think, why the fuck not? Hannah flashes me a wicked grin, nodding yes to this suggestion so I straddle Keith’s thighs. He looks up at me in surprise as I hold the back of the chair behind him and lean back, grinding against him. It doesn’t take him long to acclimate though, grinning, hands on my waist, then moving to my gyrating hips. His friends gather around him as I get in close, one of my favorite songs thumping in the background. Fuck everything, I’m buzzed, inhibitions gone, the world blurry and not quite real anymore. The guys around him are excited, cat calling to their friend.
“Look at her hips,” says a tall dark guy, as more gather around. I rub myself against him, my chest up against his face and then away and back, rolling, the music porno-like. “Bow-chicka-bow-wow,” I sing along loudly, pulling in close to his face for a moment giving him a very clear view of my tits in my low cut shirt.
I briefly note that one of the guys pulls Hannah aside and yells something in her ear and she looks at him and shrugs her shoulders, with a smirk. She leans over to me and yells into my ear.
“He asked if we’re the girls who made out on the stage at ATO. He wants a repeat performance and I said I didn’t know if you’d be up for it.”
I laugh and still holding the back of the chair with one hand, reach up with the other and pull her mouth down to mine. We kiss for a minute, our mouths closed, then finally slanting, opening up and the guys around us go crazy. Inside I’m thinking, it’s actually kinda weird that I’m kissing a girl, it doesn’t really feel that different than kissing a guy, other than the fact her lips are softer. It’s like we’re a freaking side show, exhibitionists much? I pull away from Hannah and Keith looks completely stunned, mouth hanging open, eyes wide. I smile at him slowly, grip the back of the chair with both hands, then roll my head, hair swishing across my face.
This shit is bragging rights. I know my friends will talk about this for weeks to come. I take one hand off the back of the chair and reach to pull my shirt up a bit, grinding into his lap, finally rubbing the back of his neck with one hand, still dancing and he just grins at me and I smirk back. My friends whoop, cat calling, gathered around the chair and eventually we’re all dancing together, Hannah and I dirty dancing, Celeste and Kayla grinding on one another. The guys are loving it.
We’re such damn attention whores! I smile, I don’t care. I feel brand new, out for my first time this semester, throwing caution to the wind, the alcohol giving me a confidence I never feel when I’m sober.
After another round, the girls and I decide we’re leaving and I give Keith my goodbyes. He leans in and kisses me on the lips his hands moving to my waist and I realize that my little performance has definitely done its work. I sigh, sure it works on the guy I don’t really want long term.
“I really like you. You’re hot,” he whispers in my ear.
“Thank you,” I answer stupidly, not sure what else to say.
“Where are you going?” he asks as I thread my way through the crowd toward the door where my friends are waiting, their coats already on.
“I’m not sure,” I reply as I approach Hannah. Keith seems like a nice guy and maybe it would be good if Jared saw me with someone else? I mean shit…he hasn’t shown any interest in me at all lately. Although, I know the second he did, I’d be all over it. Lame!! “Hannah, where are we going now?” I ask.
“We’re going to ATO, betch,” she says, giving me a meaningful look. I know she’s thinking “home of Jared.”
“Cool, let’s go, snatch,” I say as Keith asks if he can tag along. I’m game, so I nod.
“Let me tell my friend Brian,” he says, loping off to tell a tall good looking dark skinned guy that we’re leaving. Brian seems interested, too, and joins us as we hoof it to the frat.
“Hopefully they’ll let us in,” says Brian with a laugh, his breath making clouds in the cold air. “They don’t usually want to let in a bunch of dudes, but since we’re with you it might help.” When we finally arrive, out of breath and shivering with the cold, we’re let in right away.
“Hey, Angel and Devil…oh and flasher girl too!” says the frat’s version of a bouncer. “Get your asses inside!” We laugh and push our way inside the crowded frat. The music is booming as usual and the place is crowded and packed with bodies. I’m very nicely buzzed now, the world a bit grainy like an old photograph and my excitement is rising because I hope that Jared will be here.
&nb
sp; I spot Andy almost immediately as we make our way down the basement stairs but he hasn’t seen us yet. Jared is standing near him, looking absolutely to die for in dark jeans and a long sleeved black t-shirt with a beer logo on the back. Will he even acknowledge me?
“Victoria, let’s grab a drink,” says Hannah, pulling me out of my thoughts. I pull a 180, tearing my eyes off Jared and follow her to a table by the stairs and start pouring myself a nasty Solo cup of Bud Light. As Hannah takes her turn with the keg, I turn to survey the scene for a moment. The frat is packed, literally wall to wall and I keep looking over at Jared, my eyes always drawn to the one place I don’t want to be caught looking. He’s facing away from me, talking animatedly, laughing and smiling, surrounded by both girls and guys.
Finally Hannah’s ready and we make our way through the crowd of dancing people in the center of the floor, holding our full red cups above so that they won’t be jostled by elbows and arms. Keith and Brian are following along behind me and as we make our way I notice that there are girls everywhere, dressed like total skanks in short skirts, tight jeans, low cut tank tops and everything in between. Really am I that different? I know…I shouldn’t judge...but shit these girls are hoes! Suddenly I feel depression slide over me, my excitement doused as I glance around. How the hell am I ever going to get a guy for myself when there are so many good looking girls everywhere I turn, or to be more specific, how am I going to get the guy I want?
As we move slowly through the dense crowd, I start comparing myself to every girl I squeeze past, deciding that they are prettier for this reason or that. This girl has bigger boobs than me and they look hot in her tiny v-neck tee, that one has better legs in that skirt, this girl’s hair is better, God how I wish I had full curly hair, I’m sure my face isn’t that pretty, my gaze traveling up the length of a girl in a tight short skirt with perfect even features, her eyes bright blue and piercing, her auburn hair long and wavy. I’m definitely able to appreciate female beauty. Damn all these pretty bitches to hell.
I notice that Keith’s and Brian’s eyes are never still as we walk, darting left and right almost as if there’s too much to take in all at once. God, I have to stop this, it’s hard to compare myself to others, because I have no idea how I appear to anyone. Usually I assume the worst, assuming I’m not up to par. I was feeling adrenaline and confidence earlier when dancing in a room full of guys, but now at the frat packed with girls I’m not feeling as full of myself.
Finally we find a slightly open spot to hang out amid the dancing and Hannah and I dance together, singing along with every song that pumps over the speakers. The guys aren’t dancing at the moment, just standing together, drinking and yelling to be heard. Jared is closer now, but he still hasn’t looked in my direction but, like an idiot, I keep finding myself looking over at him, seeing a few girls sidling up to him, flirting, giggling, touching his arm and chest casually as if it’s part of conversation, but I know they’re drunk as hell and want him as much as I do. Fuck. Why do I have to feel wicked shy around him, why can’t I be the one to approach him and feel confident that he’s interested? But I’m not “that girl” and I’m definitely not drunk enough to become her, especially with Jared.
Now that I’m thinking about “that girl,” the damn over-confident slut who’s always sure the guys she likes is interested in her, I’m remembering a time in high school when I tried to be her. Just once I tried it, tried to be confident, tried to believe that I was good enough and I got burned, bad.
I was drunk and I was sure he was interested, my latest crush of the month. He was a friend of my friend’s boyfriend and I told him while I was drunk that I would sleep with him anytime, anywhere, had really put myself out there, only to be scorned. To be told I was crazy, drunk, ridiculous. I started screaming at him, so angry that he dared to insult me. The feelings had been instantaneous, flashing over me like lightning and later I wanted to die with embarrassment and shame when I thought about it. Thinking about it still burns me even though the memory is hazy, as drunk ones often are.
Rejection is horrible. Now looking back on it I think his rejection must have had something to do with the fact that I fooled around with his friend when he hadn’t shown immediate interest in me the night before. It was my stupid mistake, not to realize that this might make him mad. I hadn’t really been thinking at all obviously. It was like…oh you don’t want me…well your friend does. But I guess that ruined it from then on out. I’m an idiot. But it fuckin frustrates me when people don’t express themselves fully, which seems to happen to me, constantly. In fact tonight is probably another perfect example of me fucking things up royally. But I can’t seem to stop.
Keith starts dancing with me now, but I’m on autopilot for the moment, stuck inside my thoughts. I know I can’t put myself out there, I can’t walk up to Jared and say “Here I am, I know you want me!” Especially when he hasn’t show any interest at all. Instead I’m dancing, pretending to have fun while inside I’m bumming, hoping he’ll notice me, hoping he’s even interested, trying to play with Keith for the time being while I wait. I feel like an asshole, using another guy to make Jared notice me. But here is Keith, in the flesh, and he seems nice and he’s paying attention to me. It seems that he only has eyes for me. I know it won’t amount to anything, but a night of fun is okay. It’s not like I’m leading him on, right?
I quickly turn around in Keith’s arms as Jared’s eyes finally alight on mine. I hadn’t realized I was staring. So, Jared has seen me, now what? Anything? Nothing? I pretend to focus on Celeste and Hannah, trying to dance and not spill my drink down the front of my new shirt, letting Keith touch me as I grind. I wish it wasn’t so but the guy I really want is living it up in the corner with his brother, surrounded by other attractive girls who are pouring it on thick. Yea! Fuck.
Eventually Andy comes up to Hannah and stops to chat, putting his arm around her and giving her a quick kiss on the mouth.
“Good to see you finally, babe!” he says, smiling with pleasure. “Hey, Victoria,” he yells, coming in close to be heard over the noise of people and music. “Jared’s around here somewhere,” he says, eyes flicking at Keith hovering protectively over my shoulder. He seems to brush it off, thank God, and ushers us back to the drink table, offering us another beer. The two guys hang back, pulling alcohol out of their backpacks, mixing themselves drinks in red Solo cups.
I glance around to look for Jared again, trying to see through the smoky, crowded room. All I can see are bodies pulsing, people playing drinking games in the corner, loud talking, singing and jostling and directly to my right some guy is helping a girl with a beer bong, holding it up high so that the beer will flow. Wish I had one of those ‘cause I need more to drink, this night sucks. I spot him and he’s standing off to one side talking to a few guys that I vaguely recognize as friends of his. I also spot Samantha, Ian and Seth. Seth catches my eye with a grin and pulls in Samantha to point me out. He gives me a little wave and a smile as Samantha pushes through the crowd in our direction, finally bounding up, all smiles, to greet me.
“Good to see you again, Victoria,” she says pulling me in for a quick squeeze. “How are you?” she asks, looking me up and down. “You look damn good! Love your tank top,” she says, flashing her white teeth.
“I’m good, Samantha, good to see you too,” I reply, laughing as Samantha grabs my arm, pulling me back out into the crowd of throbbing bodies. As we dance, she leans in close, her mouth near my ear.
“What ever happened with Jared?” she asks, pulling back to look at me, eyes questioning. I roll my eyes with a shrug ‘cause I’m not really sure what to say.
“I have no idea,” I reply. “He doesn’t call or ask me to do anything. I’m really confused because I thought he was interested, but then suddenly he wasn’t anymore.”
“Shit’s weird,” says Samantha, shaking her head, “I’ll have to talk to him at some point and see what the hell is going on.”
Just then Keith and B
rian walk up carrying drinks and laughing with each other. Brian edges up to Samantha and dances with her, as Keith puts his hand on my waist as I dance. Shit, he’s showing ownership tendencies already. Why does the wrong guy always make all the right moves? I‘m facing Jared and my eyes automatically go to his face. His expression reveals nothing for a moment and then suddenly his brows lower and his lips twitch as if in irritation and he turns away, his back facing me.
What the hell is his problem? He could have had me and now he’s acting like I’m the one who shunned him. I watch as he turns to Seth and begins a conversation with him, turning every once in a while to glance in my direction. It seems like he might be talking about me. God I hope Seth isn’t telling him about Nick right now. At the thought, I blush and start to feel hot. Damn my cheater ex-boyfriend who kissed me! I stumble on Keith’s shoe, spilling beer on his pant leg.
“Oh my God, I’m really sorry, Keith!” I squeak, but he doesn’t seem to care, drawing me closer to him.
“You’re wicked sexy,” he mumbles in my ear, his feet weaving, eyes glazed.
“Thanks,” I reply, not sure how to react to him. I don’t like it when guys get too drunk and Keith is definitely on his way. His hands are all over me and he’s wobbly and unsteady on his feet. Suddenly I feel self-conscious. I hate drunk idiots all over me. I especially hate it when Jared is here and can easily see that I picked out someone wasted and sloppy to hang out with. Thank God, I’m saved as Andy approaches us, grabbing Hannah’s arm and whispering in her ear. Hannah smiles and then motions to Samantha and I, drawing us in together.
“Andy thinks we should all go upstairs and smoke some reefer,” says Hannah, “and we gotta ditch these guys to do it. So make something up and meet us upstairs in Andy’s room in a few minutes.”
I smile at Hannah, nodding yes to her plan. I definitely want to get high ‘cause maybe it will improve this night. I turn around and Keith is still standing behind me with his friend, a curious look on his face. What can I tell him?
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