‘He’s very active. He likes physical things—going to the park, climbing on the frames, riding on the swings and things. I bet you made yourself a rope swing in that orchard of yours?’
Jacob laughed and nodded. It was good to see him smile so broadly. His face lit up with genuine joy and it felt good to know she’d made him feel that way.
‘I did.’
‘Was it any good? I’ve never tried one.’
‘Never? We’ll have to remedy that one day.’
One day. That implied he was sticking around, didn’t it? She hoped so. Because she liked this. Being with him. Shopping together for Seb. Doing stuff to make their son happy. It was like being united. Wanted...appreciated.
Valued.
It made her feel good. This had to be what everyone else felt.
They headed into another aisle that was filled with cuddly toys of all kinds. A large fuzzy lion was an obvious choice.
‘We have to get him this.’
Eva nodded. Seb would like that. ‘Good choice.’
Jacob tucked it under his arm and they carried on looking, ignoring the aisles full of dolls and anything pink. ‘Unless he wants any of this?’ Jacob asked.
‘Er...no. Seb wouldn’t be interested.’
‘Just checking. Equal opportunities and all that...’ He smiled.
She laughed and realised she was enjoying herself. Jacob was turning out to be the nice guy she’d hoped for. She was actually living one of the scenarios she’d once dreamed about. Being in that happy family unit...being that perfect family.
Almost.
She didn’t want to spoil it. It felt good. Strangely comfortable. Pleasant.
They stood in the queue and Jacob paid for the lion. They headed back into the shopping centre and he bought them both a hot chocolate. They sat on a bench that suddenly became vacant, quickly slipping onto the seats before anyone else could, and watched the shoppers rushing by.
‘This is nice,’ Eva said.
‘The hot chocolate? Or resting?’
‘Resting!’ She laughed and took a sip of her drink. ‘No—this. All of it. Christmas shopping for our son together.’
Jacob looked at her and smiled.
He really was a handsome man and, looking at him now, she could really see how he and his son shared the same smile.
‘I’m glad. You know, you’ve mentioned your childhood... What was it like?’
She glanced at him. ‘You really want to know?’
She didn’t mind telling him. It hadn’t been a perfect childhood, but she’d made peace with that a long time ago. The past wasn’t important now. What mattered was the future. And she didn’t think he’d judge her if she told him. Being a doctor, he’d probably be quite understanding.
‘I do.’
‘The reality of it wasn’t that great. I went to ten different foster families. Some of them were okay. One was really nice and I really didn’t want to leave them. A young couple—the Martins, they were called... Sue and Peter. I really thought I’d get to stay with them. Be their daughter. But then Sue got pregnant with twins through IVF, and when she was about six months pregnant I suddenly found myself back at the children’s home again.’
‘That must have been difficult.’
‘It was. I didn’t understand what I’d done wrong.’
It was an understatement. She’d been incredibly hurt. And it had been a turning point for her. The point at which she’d decided never to rely on other people to make her happy. That she’d just look out for herself. No more performing seal acts to make potential foster carers think she looked cute and adorable. No more behaving well because the staff at the children’s home had told her to. She’d behaved well before and look where that had got her!
‘How old were you?’
‘About nine. It was a tough time. I thought I’d done something wrong and cried for what seemed like forever. Then I got used to not being wanted.’
‘It had to have been a tough decision for Sue and Peter.’
She looked at him, searching his face for hidden meaning, but she didn’t see anything. There was no guile there. He genuinely thought it must have been a tough decision for the couple. But she’d never thought of it that way. She’d only seen it from her own—hurt—point of view.
She thought of what they must have gone through now...making the decision to send her back. ‘I guess it was.’
‘Did you ever learn what happened with your own parents? Your biological parents, I mean?’
She sipped her chocolate. ‘Wow. You really want to hear a sad story at Christmas time, don’t you?’
‘No. But I want to hear your story.’
He looked steadily at her and she eventually met his gaze.
‘I was told that my mother was a young girl. A teenage runaway. She got pregnant, no one knew who the father was and she didn’t want to raise a child on the streets. So she gave me up.’
‘I’m sorry.’ He looked at her with sadness in his eyes.
‘It’s not your fault.’
‘No, but it must have been hard.’
‘Not at first. I just sort of accepted the story. I’ve thought more about it since having Seb. I couldn’t imagine giving him up. My mother, whoever she was, must have gone through hell to make that decision.’
‘I think you’ve probably got her spirit and bravery.’
Eva smiled, then they both got up, throwing their polystyrene cups into the bin.
They wandered through a few more stores and she noticed that he kept looking at her when he thought she wasn’t watching. She wondered if he pitied her. She didn’t want that. She didn’t need it. Pity did nothing for anyone. It certainly never made things better.
When they finally got to the last store and saw a beautiful blue-and-silver bike that was the perfect size for Seb, Jacob’s face broke out into a broad smile.
‘A bike for Christmas! His first bike. That’ll be perfect.’
Eva beamed, too. ‘I agree. But he’ll need a helmet, too—and stabilisers.’
‘You’re happy for me to get it?’
She nodded and looked at him. ‘I’m happy.’
* * *
Back at Eva’s home, they unloaded their shopping and Jacob helped her hide the bike away in her bedroom closet, draping it with clothes for extra camouflage.
It felt odd having him in her bedroom, near her bed. In her most intimate space... With the gifts put away, they stood a few feet apart, just looking at each other.
‘Well... I guess I ought to go. Shall I come back later? To read to Seb?’
‘Yes. That would be great. He’ll enjoy that.’
‘So will I.’
She stared at him some more, her fingers fidgeting, unsure of what to do. She started when he took a step towards her. Then another. Tentatively, he reached up and stroked the side of her face.
‘I’ve enjoyed this afternoon. Spending time with you. Being with you. Thank you for telling me your story.’
The feel of his fingers stroking her face sent tingles down her body. Her breath caught in her throat and she became hyperaware. Aware of his solid gaze, of where his hands were, how close he stood, exactly what he was doing.
‘I enjoyed it, too.’
‘I’d like to...kiss you.’
She breathed in, her chest feeling so full of air, so full of hope for what he might do next, what it might suggest, she almost wasn’t breathing at all.
‘You would?’
He came nearer still. They were centimetres apart and she could breathe in his scent. Her body was doing something strange inside, with the excitement of his proximity. It was as if there were tumblers and acrobats in her stomach, and tiny, tiny dancers in each and every blood cell, pirouetting
and twirling their way through her system. And their spinning was getting faster and faster the closer Jacob came.
Her lips parted.
She wanted him to kiss her. She wanted him to so much!
‘There’s something about you, Eva...’
She was hypnotised. His face was so close. His eyes were upon hers, burning her heart with their intensity; his mouth was so near, so tantalisingly near!
Was she doing the right thing? It didn’t feel wrong...but surely this couldn’t end well? Whenever she thought everything was going right for her, the world would pull the rug from under her feet.
She wanted his kiss, though. It was the way she’d felt once before. But this time there wouldn’t be anyone jetting off to another continent straight afterwards. This time it wouldn’t be a one-night stand. This would be something else. A couple reconnecting. A woman and a man who had already made a child together, who had been parted by geography and mileage, who could now be together. Who could be stepping towards the future together.
‘But...’ He reached up and threaded his fingers into her hair, his hands gently holding her face.
‘But?’
‘I don’t want to ruin this friendship we’re creating. I don’t want to ruin it for Seb.’
‘You won’t.’
She looked deep into his blue eyes and saw his soul. He was a tortured man still. She could see that. Sense that. He carried pain within him, something he still hadn’t shared with her, but she knew deep in her heart that if she just gave him some time, gave him some room to feel comfortable with her, then he would share it. And once he shared she could help him. She knew she could.
It was probably the lust talking, telling her it wasn’t a problem, but she couldn’t help it. Being this close to Jacob was electric.
How bad could it be? It wasn’t as if he’d murdered anyone. He wasn’t a bad guy. Something had hurt him. Something or someone had taken hold of his heart and crushed it.
Eva wondered if she could help him mend it. But what would happen if she did? If she let him in, if she started to care, then she would be taking a chance on him that she’d never, ever taken with anyone else. She would be opening herself up to being hurt again. There was that risk, wasn’t there? Every other relationship in her past had failed. What would make this one so special?
But what if this was a relationship with the potential for something amazing?
That tantalising thought hypnotised her. Blindsided her doubt for a moment.
Jacob pulled her towards him.
Her body pressed up against his and then her eyes closed as her lips met his. Elation flooded her system with ripples and waves of intoxication as the reality of kissing Jacob again sank in.
Their shared kiss, though tender, opened up something inside her that she hadn’t been expecting.
A fervour. A need that she’d never experienced with any man before.
She burned for him. Breathed him in. Melted into him as she felt his hands caress her and hold her against him. The solidness, the hardness of his male body against her soft femininity was a beautiful yin and yang.
The last time she’d kissed this man she’d lain naked in his arms and allowed herself to fly through the skies with him, soaring amongst the clouds and the heavens as he’d taken her to fever pitch and back again. Being in his arms again felt so right, and strangely so familiar—as if it had been seconds since they had last held her and not years. His lips were warm and soft against hers; his body was against hers... It made her come alive...
He pulled back to look at her with glazed eyes.
She had no doubt that she looked the same.
Eva touched her lips. ‘Will you be with us at Christmas?’
‘I’ll need to see my family, too, but, yes... I’ll be with you for Christmas.’
His family. The people she hadn’t met yet. These strangers she would now have to share Seb with. Leave herself open to inspection from. It didn’t seem too scary right now, with Jacob, but she was worried about what would happen later.
What would he be like with them? What did she know about him? Really?
Eva craved for all this to work out, but experience told her not to get her hopes up. She wanted not to be afraid. But she’d been hurt so many times before...
I want to be part of a family so much!
But did she dare hope she could actually have it?
* * *
Jacob had come back for the evening. They were sitting together in the lounge, whilst Seb played on the floor between them.
‘I spoke to my parents again. Said we’d probably take Seb one day before Christmas.’
She frowned. ‘Oh?’
Before Christmas? She only had one weekend free between now and Christmas, and spending it with a family she didn’t know didn’t sound very appealing. Besides, these people probably wouldn’t even like her.
‘Don’t you want to take him on your own? I’m sure they don’t want me hanging around—’
Jacob shook his head. ‘It’ll be fine!’
‘No. It’s probably best it’s just you and Seb at first.’
‘They’ll want to meet you. I’d really like it, too, if you came. They’re very friendly! If anyone is going to get questioned it’ll be me. I’m the one who stayed away.’
She smiled at him. ‘I know. It’s just...difficult for me. Isn’t it hard for you, too? You stayed away for a long time. Aren’t you worried about going back?’
Jacob nodded. ‘I am. There are lots of memories there.’ He thought for a moment, his eyes dark, and then he said, ‘Someone I loved...she died.’
‘I’m so sorry.’
‘It’s fine. I’ve accepted it now. That’s the whole thing about going back. I need to face my demons over being there again.’
‘And you don’t want to go alone?’
‘I could go alone...but I’d like you to be there. It’s not just Seb who’s a part of my family now. You are, too.’
She could feel her cheeks flame with heat. ‘Really?’
‘Really.’ He laid his hand on hers.
‘Thank you. Do you...want to tell me about her?’
He looked away. ‘She was a childhood friend. Someone who came to mean a great deal to me.’
She nodded. It was understandable that he should have someone like this in his past. And now she could understand some of his reluctance to go back home. It had to be a past love. A love affair that somehow went wrong, perhaps.
A tinge of jealousy announced itself, but she pushed it away. She had no right to feel jealous about this.
But was he over this woman? She wasn’t sure. Obviously the pain of loss was still there. She’d seen it in him before. The night they’d met.
They watched Seb play on the floor, silent for a moment, Eva sipping at her tea and Jacob looking back at her darkly, stuck in his memories of the past.
He was hurt. That much was clear. But surely he must have moved on? She didn’t want to be his soft place to fall just because he was hurt—she wanted to be his because he wanted to be with her. Heart, soul—everything.
Anything less was too risky.
If she suspected he wasn’t over this woman then she’d walk away from a relationship with him.
Why did he have to tell me about her? It was all going so well...
Eva needed certainty in her life. Needed security. If Jacob and events in his past somehow threatened that, then she’d separate herself from him immediately. Better to keep him at a distance until she knew for sure. Better to tread carefully.
It wasn’t just about her anymore.
CHAPTER SIX
A WEEK LATER Jacob took them some Christmas lights. Small white fairy lights to hang outside, around the guttering and over the small fenc
e in the front garden. Eva had told him she hadn’t decorated the outside of her house as she hadn’t felt safe going up a ladder on her own with just a three-year-old to steady it.
That morning frost had covered everything, making surfaces slippery, and as he worked he could see his breath billowing out around him and his fingertips turning redder and redder as they lost more and more feeling. The little plastic grips that would secure the lights along the guttering were fragile, and he lost more than he used as he tried to force them onto the edge.
But he didn’t mind. He felt useful. The past few nights when he’d turned up to Eva’s home he’d noticed that she was about the only person in the street with no Christmassy outdoor lights so he’d offered to do it, knowing Seb would like it, too.
Eva stood at the bottom of the ladder, holding it, looking up at him and laughing every time he cursed as another clip skittered away from his fingers and fell to the ground.
‘Will I need to get you another packet?’ she asked, laughing.
He grimaced as he forced another clip into position. ‘Maybe. At this rate I might start suturing them on.’
The last clip went into place and he descended the ladder to collect the lights so that he could trail them across the front of the house.
‘Can you believe people go through this madness every year?’
‘Christmas is a time to make everyone happy, isn’t it?’
He nodded. ‘Kids, maybe.’
Eva frowned. Surely he’d had good Christmases? ‘Is Christmas not a happy time for you?’
She seemed genuinely interested in his experiences. But he felt bad about talking about them. His childhood Christmas memories were great, and he knew hers weren’t. She was the one who’d been in foster care—not him. It was that one Christmas Eve he’d experienced five years ago that really bothered him.
‘It wasn’t for you.’
‘My Christmases were...different. I ended up in so many places I lost track of all the varying traditions people had.’
‘But were you happy?’
She shrugged. ‘I never belonged. I always felt I was intruding on someone else’s memories.’
Someone else’s memories... No. He didn’t want to mess with those.
A Father This Christmas? Page 9