by Susan Goslak
“That’s a good idea. I’ll get something for my girl friend before I leave,” said Ray.
The waitress brought their drinks and took their food order.
Cathy leaned across the table toward Ray,” Mr. Jansen why are you searching for William? Is it because his father has died?”
“Yes,” answered Ray “A few days ago William’s brother, Carl, contacted me and asked me to find William. He contacted me because the last communication he had from William, a postcard, was sent from L.A. Do either of you have any idea why William would have gone to L.A.? Does he have any relatives or friends there?”
Both Cathy and Cliff were shaking their heads, no.
“Take a minute to think. Something made him go to L.A.
What could it have been?” asked Ray.
“I have no idea,” said Cathy. “Wait, I remember William speaking wistfully about California. You know; sunshine and warm weather. Maybe he decided to check it out.”
“Could it have been a job offer?” asked Cliff? “I vaguely remember that William periodically got offers from other companies. You know, from “head hunters”. I remember the one he got from California because we laughed about how nice it would be to not have to shovel snow.
“Do you remember the name of the company?” asked Ray.
“No, I’m sorry, I don’t.”
Ray turned to Cathy. “Mrs. Logan, tell me everything you can about William. Maybe something you tell me will give me a clue as to where he might be.”
Cathy looked down at her hands that were shredding a paper napkin. Tears were in her eyes when she looked up at Ray, “He was a proud man, Mr. Jansen, a proud man. He was crushed when his father wouldn’t let him have any input as to how the family business was run, but he was young and he believed that the world would give him the opportunity he deserved and he would be successful.” Cathy smiled at Ray before she continued, ”You can imagine how angry William was and how determined he was to prove his father wrong. He went about doing that with all his youthful energy.”
Cathy turned to Cliff and put her hand on his arm. Thanks to
Cliff, William succeeded. Cliff got him a job at Midwest Auto Glass and William managed to work up to the position of VP.”
Cliff spoke, “Bill was good, Mr. Jansen. He earned that title.
He increased production, doubled the profits and earned the respect of our union workers. It wasn’t Bill’s fault that the company failed. It was a perfect storm of coincidences that brought us to our knees.
The auto industry was in trouble, the bank called in all our loans, and the company that supplied us with material was on strike. What a mess.”
The meal was served and Ray found that deep fried pickles were pretty tasty. Both men enjoyed their food, but Cathy just picked at hers.
“Mr. Jansen, do you think you’ll be able to find William?” she asked.
“I’ll do my best.”
“I’m sure you will, but I want to know what the chances are that you’ll really find him. Los Angeles is a big place with plenty of places to hide,” said Cathy.
Ray set his fork down and looked earnestly at Cathy. “Hide? Do you think that William is hiding from something?”
“Life, Mr. Jansen. He’s hiding from life.”
“You haven’t had any contact with your husband in four years and yet you haven’t sought a divorce. Why is that?”
“I’ve asked myself that over and over again. He’s quite a man, and we’ve gone through a lot together. When we left Pittsburgh we had to struggle. We didn’t have a lot of money. We ate a lot of tomato soup and grilled cheese. I clipped coupons, shopped the sales and did without. I made saving money a challenge and I shared my little successes with William.”
“He got into the game, too. He’d point out sales to me and he
never bought anything unless it was on sale. He was handy. If something was wrong with the car or the plumbing he’d fix it. I still have a bench he made for our tiny apartment. William wanted me to get rid of it because it’s so plain, but I cherish it because he made it with his own hands.”
“He worked hard, took classes at the University of Toledo and read everything he could get his hands on to learn more about the process of making glass. He spoke to everybody that would give him five minutes of their time. He was a dynamo.” Cathy chuckled. “When we had conversations over coffee, as couples do, all we talked about was business. I learned so much that I felt like I could run the plant myself.”
Cathy looked earnestly at Ray and leaned toward him. “That may sound like our lives were boring, but that wasn’t the case. We were excited to be building a future together. I guess you could say that we bonded. We were no longer two people. We became one unit.”
“I didn’t feel that I was contributing enough to our marriage at that time. I wanted to get a job. William didn’t want me to work, though, so I concentrated on making our home a haven for William
to enjoy after a hard day at work. From time to time I’d suggest a job
I saw in the paper, but William would say, “You do enough, Honey,
I don’t want you to work.” He was so sweet. He used to bring me one flower to show his love.” A tear slid down her face. “Those single blooms meant more to me than any large bouquet.”
“One Saturday I was having coffee in the kitchen with one of our neighbors. She worked at a photo studio near our apartment. She
knew that I loved taking pictures and that I was saving for a better camera. “I know how you love photography,” she said. “I know Bill doesn’t want you to work, but it’s only part time, you already know me, and the owner is a very nice man. You’d love it.”
Cathy glanced at Cliff, then Ray. “You’ll never guess what William did. He must have heard us talking. He came into the kitchen with a sad face. “Excuse me, gals, I just came in for a cup of coffee,” he said. “He sat down at the table with us.”
“Why do you look so sad?” I asked him.
“Well, honey, you know that I don’t want you to work outside the home, but I’m afraid that our finances aren’t very good at this time. I’m ashamed to say that I have to ask you to take a job now.” He actually hung his head then.
“My neighbor and I were so excited that we squealed and I hugged him and we told him all the details of the job. I didn’t realize till later that night that he’d overheard us.” We laughed and laughed.
“He sounds like a great guy,” said Ray. “What happened to make him hide from life?”
Cathy said, “He was a great guy. I guess he’s still a nice guy.
When I got home from my first day on the job I was so excited that I talked William’s head off. When he could get a word in, he presented me with a new camera. I cried.”
“Things got steadily better for us. William got raises and promotions and the owner of the photo shop taught me to take good photos. I was no longer a helper. I became a photographer and took over more and more of his duties. William and I bought a house and
William filled it with the best of everything. He bought me all kinds
of gifts. I remember one day he came home with a large gift wrapped box. I was shocked to see that it contained a fur jacket. I’d never owned a fur before. I felt like a princess.”
“Go ahead and eat,” said Ray. “Your food’s getting cold.”
Cliff shook his head. “Let her talk.”
Cathy continued as if she hadn’t heard them. “William always made me feel special. He encouraged me to enter contests and to show my work. When I became discouraged he always said something that made me feel confident. He was so proud of my achievements that you’d think they were his, and in a way they were. We were both proud of each other’s successes. We were one unit.”
“William wanted to set me up with my own business. We searched for a good location and signed the rental agreement. We were in the process of decorating and equipping the space when things started to sour with the economy in general and the aut
o industry in particular. William lost his job.”
“It was devastating. I still feel guilty because I’d let William spend money we didn’t have. I was enjoying being a princess. I should have reined in his spending. One of us should have been sensible. We were in trouble, just like so many other people. Our house was being foreclosed on, our car was repossessed, and the business idea had to be abandoned. William felt that he’d let me down. He actually cried, and I became ill with stomach problems. All of this didn’t happen overnight, but it felt like it did. We didn’t know how to react. We didn’t know how to help each other. There were no easy solutions to our problems. We grew depressed. We stopped taking care of the house. We sat around looking unkempt:
no hairdresser, no barber, no dry cleaner, back to tomato soup and grilled cheese. We both felt guilty and ashamed. We started bickering and fighting. William started drinking. I started nagging him to stop. We cut ourselves off from the friends who could maybe have helped us.”
Cathy took a shaky breath. “It was all my fault that William left, all my fault.” Cathy was crying now, and through her tears she said, “That morning I drove past the store that was going to be mine. It was open and another photographer’s name was on the window. I was devastated. I wanted to own my own business so very much. I was hurt and angry. When I got home and found William drinking I lost it. I yelled at him and accused him of somehow causing our problems. I said that maybe his father was right after all. I said that he should go back to Pittsburgh and beg his father to let him work in the family business.” Cathy sobbed. “He hit me then and I deserved it. I was so mean and angry.”
Cliff interrupted. “No matter how mean you were, or think you were, Bill shouldn’t have hit you and I believe that if he wasn’t drunk he never would have.”
Ray handed his handkerchief to Cathy. “Don’t cry. You both were under a lot of stress at that time. That’s over now. Let’s concentrate on finding William.”
Cliff touched Cathy’s arm. “If Mr. Jansen finds Bill will you take him back, Cathy?”
“I’ve thought about that and I just can’t answer that question.
For all I know he’s married to someone else. He must have made a new life for himself in L.A. and I’m not part of it.” Her lip quivered
and she looked down. She softly said, “I don’t know if I hope you find him or not. I do know that, God help me, I still love him.”She looked into Ray’s eyes. “You must think I’m a fool.”
“Not at all, Mrs. Logan. I think William is a lucky man to have such a loyal spouse. And I really do think you love him.”
The waitress interrupted then, which gave Cathy a chance to pull herself together.
Ray asked about William’s hobbies, the kind of books and magazines he liked to read, the stores where he liked to shop, the music he enjoyed, and anything else he could think to ask. “Mr. Simmons, can you give me the names of some of William’s friends? I’d like to speak with them while I’m here,” asked Ray “Mrs. Logan, are there any neighbors that might help me?”
When Ray had asked enough questions, he bought a jar of pickles for me, gave his card to both Cathy and Cliff, and headed back to Toledo.
Cliff had given Ray some names and Ray was lucky enough to contact all of them. As he expected they weren’t able to shed any light on why William had gone to L.A. Ray called me when he got to his room. I love hearing his voice, so deep and powerful. We talked for a little bit, but Ray doesn’t like to talk on the phone too much, even to me. I sure miss him when he goes out of town. “I’ll be home tomorrow,” Ray said.
“Good, I’ll pick you up at the airport and show you how much I’ve missed you,” I teased. I was chuckling when I hung up the phone. “….deep fried pickles. Imagine!”
« Chapter Eight »
The next morning, Easter Sunday, dawned bright and sunny. The sky was robin’s egg blue dotted with fluffy white clouds shaped like ducks, and faces, and horses heads. A light, warm breeze was blowing. I could feel it coming through my bedroom window as I put on my makeup and got ready for church. I applied my new lipstick “pink flamingo” which matched my nail polish. I wore the pearl earrings that Ray had given me for Christmas. The stores this spring had shown lots of dresses with a feminine look. I’d had fun shopping for my Easter dress, finally choosing an aqua lace number with a flirty skirt. In another store I found a purse and shoes to go with my dress. I spun around so my skirt would flare and looked at myself in my full-length mirror. Satisfied with what I saw, I walked to my kitchen counter, picked up my car keys and went out to my car. I drove to my sister’s house. I was going to go with them to church. Jack looked handsome in his dark blue suit and pale yellow tie. Pat was wearing a white blouse and a black skirt because she was a member of the church choir and that was what the choir members
always wore.
The church was resplendent with candles and flowers all in
white. There were two miniature trees with purple blossoms, one on each side of the altar. The main altar was covered with a sparkling white altar cloth. The choir members took their places on the left side of the altar. The organist began to play. The altar boys; one carrying a large crucifix, and the other carrying the bible proceeded down the main aisle followed by the priest wearing white robes trimmed with gold and carrying an incense brazier. The choir began to sing Christ is risen fro-om the dead. Risen as He tru-u-ly-e said . . It was a beautiful service, but I missed Ray, and a little bit of self pity crept in when I thought about the beautiful church wedding I’d planned for David and me. Now look, I thought. It’s Easter. It’s spring. Ray loves you. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Enjoy the moment. I did my best to do just that.
After church the three of us went to the airport in Jack’s car to pick up Ray.
“You look like springtime, and your eyes look bluer than usual,” Ray remarked when he strode into the airport waiting area. I ran up to him and gave him a big hug.
“I’ve only been gone two days,” chuckled Ray. “What would you do if I was gone for a long time?”
I thought of David and my face turned pale.
Ray saw my reaction and immediately apologized for upsetting me.
A stab of guilt went through me. “You’re so kind. You can stop watching every word you say. I’m stronger than I was when I first came here and getting stronger every day. Just be patient with me
“Always,” he said as he bent down and gently kissed me.
“Come on, we’re having Easter dinner at Pat and Jack’s house.” I grabbed his hand and pulled him toward the door.
Pat and Jack were waiting in the car. We drove to their house where Pat and I put the finishing touches on a traditional baked ham dinner which we all enjoyed.
After dinner we laughed as we ate chocolate rabbits and marshmallow peeps, and reminisced about the Easter Sundays we experienced as kids.
Pat and I laughed about some of the Easter hats we’d worn and the hoop skirts under our dresses one year. “Remember how we begged Mom to let us buy those dresses with the hoops and how hard it was to sit with them?” I laughingly asked.
Pat laughed. “It was impossible to sit without the skirt flipping up and showing our underwear. If I remember correctly, we finally had to give up and take off our hoops so we could eat dinner.”
I laughed. “That’s right, but we put them back on right after dessert.”
Jack remembered the year his chocolate rabbit melted when he put it too close to the heater. “It was this big,” he said showing us with his hands. “I cried. Then my sister got the idea of dipping the marshmallow peeps in the melted chocolate and my tragedy turned into fun, and a big mess.”
Ray remembered how he hated wearing a tie and having to stay clean till the company left.
“I bet you were cute,” I said. “Do you have any pictures of
yourself as a child?”
“Nope,” replied Ray. “Do you?”
“I do,” said Pat before I could even answer. “I�
��ll gather them up and get them to you.”
“No fair,” I complained. Ray gets to see pictures of me, but I don’t get to see any of him.”
“He can’t help it if he has no pictures of himself as a child,” said Pat. “However, we must make sure that we have pictures of him as an adult. You two stand together over there and I’ll take your picture.”
We obliged her and she took our picture. I took a basket of eggs that she had set out as a decoration and posed like we did as kids. Ray put his hand on his tie and made a frowny face. “Okay you two now a serious pose,” said Pat. She took the shot and declared it suitable for framing.
I took some pictures of Jack and Pat which were also suitable for framing. Before Ray and I left for his house on Buena Vista Drive he pulled a jar of Tony Packo’s pickles out of his gym bag and handed it to Pat. “I know it’s traditional to give an Easter Lily for a gift, but this is all I could manage. Thank you for the excellent dinner.”
“Look, Jack, Ray brought us pickles from Tony Packo’s.”
“The one that was on Mash?” Jack asked.
“The very same,” said Ray.
“Thanks,” they both said at once.
When we got inside Ray’s house he took me tenderly into his arms, and looked lovingly into my face. “Are you okay? I know that
what I said before upset you.”
I looked at him sheepishly. “When you spoke of being gone for a long time I remembered David being gone for a long time and not coming back. I’m sorry, these thoughts just pop into my head.”
Ray touched my face. “You never have to apologize to me for anything.”
We kissed, and then Ray said, “Let’s take off our jackets and get comfortable. He helped me with my jacket, then said, “Wait a minute I brought you a little gift.” He reached into his gym bag which was on the floor near the door. “Here, I brought you a jar of pickles from Tony Packo’s, too.”
I pictured him eating deep fried pickles at Tony Packo’s and started to laugh.
“What are you laughing at?” asked Ray.