I remained silent.
Then she went on: “But he can’t because of the Princesse. Kate, you must not become his mistress. That would be wrong … very wrong.”
“I am thinking of going home,” I said.
“I have been wanting to talk to you about that for some time.”
“The Princesse told me that he had demanded that she divorce him.”
“When?”
“A few days ago. She won’t, Kate. She is adamant about that. I haven’t seen her so alive … ever before. At last she has a chance to take her revenge … and she is going to take it. She knows that you and he have been lovers. She knows that Kendal is his son. He makes that clear enough. He dotes on the boy. And then, the way he ignores poor William. It’s all very obvious … and very sad. He is a cruel man in some ways.”
“You see, I must go back to England with you. I wanted to talk to you about that.”
“We will go whenever you say.”
“It will be so strange to be back at Collison House.”
“It was your home for a long time.”
“Kendal will hate it. He loves the castle. He loves the Baron.”
“Children get over these things quickly.”
“I wonder if Kendall will.”
“It’s the best way, Kate. In fact it is the only way.”
“You are so understanding, Clare.”
“Well, my life has been very quiet really. I looked after my mother until she died and then I came to you … Nothing much had happened to me until I married your father. Who would ever have thought I should marry! I was very happy. It was terrible what happened.”
“You did everything for him. You made him so happy.”
“Yes. It seems to me that I have always lived other people’s lives. I looked after him. His life was mine. And now there is you, Kate. You are his daughter and it is what he would want me to do. I want to take you out of this situation which is becoming more and more intolerable.
I feel it is going to blow up into a big storm and I’m afraid for you. ”
“Oh Clare, I’m so glad you came. You have offered me the way out.”
“But you don’t want to take it, Kate.”
“I have to take it. I see with you that it is the only way.”
We sat for some time without speaking. Then she went off to pay the promised visit to the Princesse.
To Die for Love
My thoughts were in a turmoil. I knew that I had to get away. Having talked to Clare, I realized it with greater understanding.
I listened to Kendal, talking of his new stalking game which he and William played in the woods. It was the favourite of the moment and the woods and surrounding country were an ideal setting for it.
“There’s a man, you see,” Kendal explained, ‘and he was a prisoner in the dungeons. He starts out from the dungeons. The Baron said we could. We draw lots for prisoner and hunter. Then if I’m the prisoner, I go to the dungeons. I break out and have to hide myself. Then if I’m the hunter, William goes to the dungeons. We have to leave clues and then the hunt starts.
“It sounds very exciting,” I said.
“Kendal… you know we can’t stay here always.”
His thoughts were far away in the woods working out the clues which he would leave for William to follow. He did not at first seem to grasp what I had said and then suddenly it struck him.
“Why not?” he said sharply.
“It’s our home.”
“No, it’s not.”
“But it is now …”
“Wouldn’t you like to go to the house where I was born?”
“Where is it?”
“In England. It’s called Collison House after our family.”
“I might… one day.”
“I mean soon.”
“I like it here. There’s so much to explore… and the castle is so big and there’s so much to do.”
I said: “We might have to go home.”
“Oh no, we wouldn’t have to. This is our home. The Baron wouldn’t want us to go, and it’s his castle.”
How difficult it was. In a cowardly manner I shelved the subject. I should have to return to it later. I did not want to spoil the afternoon’s game in the woods.
He ran off to the dungeons, planning his clues. I wanted to get right away in order to think. I went to the stables.
My mare wasn’t there. One of the grooms came over to me.
“The mare you like to ride has been taken to the blacksmith’s,” he told me.
“But if you are wanting a horse, there is old Fidele.”
“Isn’t that the horse the Princesse rides?”
“Yes, Madame, but she has not ridden him for several days. He needs a bit of exercise and you’ll find him a steady old thing. He’s very reliable. A bit lazy though. You understand?”
“All right,” I said.
“Let me take Fidele.”
“I’ll get him ready. Why, just take a look at him. He’s getting excited. He knows he is going for a ride. He’s pleased about that, aren’t you, old fellow?”
So I rode out on Fidele and I was amazed how he took charge of our direction. I realized he was taking me to the spot where he must have taken the Princesse many times.
Yes. I was right. There we were. The weather was mild and it was beautiful up here. Summer would soon be with us. It did not surprise me that Marie-Claude came up here very often. There was a peace about the place. One felt remote from everything.
I decided to find the spot where we had once sat together.
I tethered the horse where we had left ours when I came up here with her, and then I found the sheltered spot by the bushes where we had sat.
I leaned against them and let my thoughts wander back to my talk with Kendal, and I asked myself why I had not been firmer with him.
He was going to hate leaving so much. He was no longer a small boy who could be picked up and taken anywhere without protest. He loved the castle . passionately. He loved the Baron too. I was well aware of that. He was going through that phase of babyhood into boyhood and he saw himself as a man. Since I had been there I had detected in him certain similarities to his father, and I was beginning to think that Rollo must have been very like Kendal when he was his age.
But I had to tell him we must leave. Whatever his reluctance, we had to get away.
I heard the sound of a horse’s hoofs in the distance. I supposed in a spot like this one could hear from a long way off. No. They were coming nearer. Now they had stopped suddenly.
My thoughts went back to how I was going to comfort Kendal. In comforting him perhaps I could comfort myself. It was foolish not to admit that to leave the castle would be as great an unhappiness for me as for my son-and perhaps it would take longer for me to recover.
I was aware that someone was close to me. Footsteps came slowly up the incline from behind the bushes which not only sheltered but hid me. It must have been the rider whom I had heard.
I sat still. waiting and then a sudden fear took possession of me.
I realized how lonely it was up here and I remembered that occasion when I had been here with Marie-Claude and we had stood on the brink of the ravine looking down, and I had had a strange uncanny feeling that I was in danger.
Whoever it was was very close now. I heard the snap of bracken . and then footsteps . slow and deliberate.
I stood up suddenly. I was trembling.
Rollo was coming towards me.
“Kate!” he cried in astonishment.
I stammered: “Oh … it is you, then.”
“I didn’t expect to findjcoy here. Why are you riding that horse?”
“Oh … of course … I’ve got Fidele.”
“I passed him … and I thought …”
“You thought the Princesse was here.”
“It’s the horse she usually rides.”
“My bay mare is at the blacksmith’s. They suggested I take Fidele.”
He was laughing now, recovered from his surprise.
“What good luck to find you here!”
“I was very startled when I heard your stealthy approach.”
“What did you think I was? A robber?”
“I didn’t know what to think.” I looked round me.
“It’s very lonely up here.”
“I like it,” he said, looking at me intently.
“Were you sitting there?”
“Yes, sitting there … thinking.”
“Sadly?”
I paused.
“Of leaving,” I said.
“I have to go. I’ve made up my mind.”
“Please, not yet, Kate. You promised … not yet.”
“Soon. It must be soon.”
“Why? You’re happy here. There’s work for you. I could find more manuscripts.”
“I think we should leave in about a week’s time. I’ve talked to Clare.”
“I wish that woman had never come here.”
“Don’t say that. She is a wonderful woman. The Princesse is devoted to her already.” I went on slowly: “You have spoken to her … The Princesse … haven’t you?”
“I’ve tried to cajole; I’ve demanded; I’ve threatened. She is having her revenge on me at last, but I shall find a way. Never fear.
I am going to marry you, Kate. I’m going to legitimize the boy, and we are going to live here happily for the rest of our days. Tell me what you would say if I could do that? “
I did not answer and he gathered me into his arms and held me fast.
I thought: Soon this will be over and I shall never see him again. I felt that was unbearable.
“You love me, Kate. Say it.”
“I don’t know.”
“You can’t endure the thought of going away … right out of my life. Answer truthfully.”
“No,” I said,”I can’t.”
“That’s the answer to the first question. We are two strong people, Kate. We are not going to let anything stand in our way, are we?”
“Some things must.”
“But you love me and I love you. It is no ordinary love, is it? It’s strong. We know so much about each other. We’ve lived each other’s lives. Those weeks in Paris … they bound us together. I wanted you from the moment I saw you. I liked everything about you, Kate … the way you looked, the way you worked … the way you tried to deceive me about your father’s blindness. I wanted you then. I was determined to have you. That business of Mortemer was an excuse.”
“You could have suggested marriage then when you were free to do so.”
“Would you have had me?”
“Not then.”
“But now you would. Oh yes, you would now. Don’t you see, we had to be ready. We had to know. We had to go through all we went through to learn that this thing we have for each other is not passing … not ephemeral … as so many loves are. This is different. This is for a lifetime … and it is worth everything we have.”
“You’re so vehement.”
“I have said that about you. It is what we like about each other. I know what I want and I know how to get it.”
“Not always.”
“Yes,” he said firmly.
“Always. Kate, you must not go yet. If you do, I shall come after you.”
I said nothing. We sat there side by side and I lay against him while he held me tightly.
I felt comforted by his presence. For the first time I was facing the truth. Of course I loved him. When I had hated him, my feeling for him had overwhelmed everything else. From hatred I had slipped into love and as my hatred had been strong and fierce, so was my love.
But I was going to England. I knew I had to go. Clare had made me see that.
I roused myself.
“I must get back. Clare will be coming from the castle. They will be expecting me and wondering where I am.”
“Promise me one thing.”
“What is that?”
“That you will not attempt to leave without first telling me.”
“I promise that,” I said. ” ” Then we stood for a while and he kissed me in a different way from that in which he had previously, gently, tenderly.
I was so filled with emotion that I could not speak.
Then he helped me to mount Fidele and we rode back to the castle.
“Kendal,” I said, ‘we are going to England. “
He stared at me and I saw his mouth harden. He looked remarkably like his father in that moment.
I went on: “I know you hate leaving the castle, but we have to go. You see, this is not our home.”
“It is our home,” he said angrily.
“No.. no… We are here because there was nowhere else for us to go after we left Paris. But you can’t stay in other people’s houses for ever.”
“It’s my father’s house. He wants us here.”
“Kendal,” I said, ‘you are not grown up yet. You must listen to what I say and know that it is for the best. for you and for all of us. “
“It’s not the best. It’s not.”
He was looking at me as he never had before in the whole of his life.
There had always been a strong bond of affection between us and I could not bear to see that look in his eyes. It was almost as though he hated me.
Could Rollo mean so much to him? He really did love the castle, I knew. True, it was a storehouse of wonderment to an imaginative child; but it was more than that. He had made up his mind that he belonged here and Rollo had done his best to make him feel that.
He robbed me of my virtue, I thought. He turned my life upside down; and now he would rob me of my child.
I felt angry suddenly. I said: “I see it is no use talking to you.”
“No, it isn’t,” said Kendal.
“I don’t want to go to England. I want to stay at home.” Then I saw that stubborn look in his face again, which reminded me so much of his father. I thought: He is going to be just like him when he grows up, and my fear for him was mingled with my pride.
I said: “We will talk of it later.”
I did not feel I could bear to say any more.
It was late that afternoon. Jeanne was cooking which she liked to do -and Clare had just come in. She had been to the castle.
“Madame la Baronne is in a defiant mood today,” she said.
“I don’t like the way things are going up there.” She looked at me anxiously.
“This time next week we shall be setting out for home,” I reminded her.
“It’s best,” she said compassionately. I thought it was wonderful, the way she understood.
“Where is Kendal?” she went on.
“He went off with William playing that hunting game they are so fond of, I believe. I saw them go off. He was carrying something. It looked like a bag of some sort.”
“Laying his clues, I suppose. I am so pleased that he and William have become friends. It is such a good thing for that poor little boy. I’m afraid he didn’t have much of a life before.”
“No. I wonder what he will do when we have gone.”
Clare knitted her brows.
“Poor little thing! He will revert to what he was before.”
“He has changed a good deal since we came.”
“I can’t bear to think of him. Has Kendal told him we are going?”
“No. Kendal won’t accept that we are. He became so angry … so unlike himself… when I talked of it.”
“He’ll be all right. Children adjust very quickly.”
“He seems to have become obsessed by the place … and the Baron.”
“A pity. It’ll all come right in the end.”
“You believe in happy endings, Clare.”
“I believe that we can do a great deal towards bringing them about,” she said quietly.
“I’ve always thought that.”
“You’re a great comfort.”
“Sometimes I think I ought not to have come here.”
>
“Why ever should you think that?”
“When I came, I offered you a way out. Sometimes I think that is the last thing you wanted.”
I was silent, thinking: I believe she notices everything.
“I needed a way out, Clare,” I said.
“You showed me a way.
So please don’t say it would have been better if you hadn’t come. “
We were both silent for some time. I was thinking about Clare and what her life must have been like when she was looking after her mother until she died . and then coming to look after my father. Now it seemed she was looking after me. It was true that she was the sort of person who spent her life looking after other people and had no real life other own. It must have been about half an hour later when she reminded me that Kendal had not come home.
“He is late,” I agreed.
Jeanne came in then and asked where Kendal was. We all agreed that he was late, but we were not really concerned until about an hour later when he was still not home.
“Wherever can he have got to?” asked Jeanne.
“He should have been back long ago.”
“He must have got caught up in the game.”
“I wonder if he is at the castle,” suggested Jeanne.
Clare said she would go and look, and put on her cloak and went out.
I was beginning to feel uneasy. Clare came back soon looking very disturbed. Kendal was not at the castle. William was not there either.
“They must still be playing,” said Jeanne. But two hours later when they had still not returned I was seriously alarmed. I went up to the castle. I was met by one of the maids who looked at me with that speculation to which I was becoming accustomed.
I cried out: “Has William come home yet?”
“I don’t know, Madame. I will go and enquire.”
It soon transpired that William was not at home. Now I knew something was wrong.
Rollo came into the hall.
“Kate!” he cried, the delight obvious in his voice at the sight of me.
I cried out: “It’s Kendal. He’s out somewhere. We expected him back hours ago. William is with him. They went out this afternoon to play in the woods as they often do.”
“Not back yet! Why, it will be dark soon.”
“We must find him,” I said.
“I’ll make up several search parties. You and I will go together, Kate. Let’s go to the stables. I’ll bring a lantern and alert the others. There’s no moon tonight.”
The Demon Lover Page 35