by Renee Dyer
The doorbell ringing brings me out of my memory and my chest immediately hurts. Is Tucker here? Why that’s my first thought I’m not sure, but hope and fear war through my battle-scarred heart. I want to run to the door and see him standing there, begging me not to let him walk away, and I want whoever it is to go away and let me hurt in private. The rational part of my brain knows it isn’t him. He’s in Vancouver. He said goodbye to me.
I grab at my chest, praying the pain will dissipate. No relief appears to be in sight. I hesitantly make my way to the door and realize my stuff is still on the floor. Embarrassment fills me that whoever is at the door will see the slob I’ve been today.
Peeking through the window, a smile curves my lips. Three beautiful faces look back at me. Normally they would come right in, but Alahna must have told them I had a shit day and they wanted to allow me my privacy. Opening the door, I’m greeted with smiles and three of the best friends a girl could ever ask for all carrying something different in their arms.
Mick pushes her way forward while the other two laugh. “Ladies night, bitches,” she shouts out as she pulls me into a one-arm hug. I look to the side to see her carefully balancing a box of wine and a twelve pack of Magic Hat #9, my favorite. She pats me on the back as she lets go and heads for the kitchen.
Dee walks in next, carrying a box of movie theater microwave popcorn and a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream. Must be a night filled with Adriana’s favorite things. “Ladies,” she belts out, her customary greeting when we all get together making sure she gets louder on the ‘d’ and elongates the ‘eez’ sound. It cracks me up every time. She puts the stuff down in the kitchen and walks back to wrap me in a full hug as Alahna walks in.
Alahna looks at me, holding up a couple blu-rays. “Thought you could use some company tonight.” I don’t say anything, just walk into the hug that’s waiting for me. She knows I need this. She knows I was going to sit home being miserable all night. Hanging with my girls is a much better way to spend the evening. Maybe it will get my mind off the images of Tucker.
Maybe I can forget for a little while that I lost him for good.
Following my friends to the kitchen, we pop popcorn and get bowls of ice cream. I don’t care that I never ate dinner. I wasn’t really hungry anyways. A feeling of contentment flows through me as all three of my friends make it a point to fit on the couch with me for movie time. Alahna lets us know we’re starting with Bridesmaids and working up to The Heat. I guess it’s a Melissa McCarthy night. I’m good with it. That chick is funny as hell and I need funny right now. I need all four of us squished onto my couch shoving our faces full of ice cream and popcorn. I love these women more than they’ll ever know.
We’re all laughing, huddled together in a mass of tangled legs. It’s uncomfortable, but no one says anything and that’s why I love them. They know I need them to stay close by. I need their love and strength to get me through this newest devastation. I look back and forth between my girls and my heart swells with love, warmth, and a feeling of acceptance. They’ve been there for me no matter what life has thrown my way. They’ve never judged or looked down on me. They’ve continued to care no matter how messed up I am.
Soft pinging off the side of my head brings me out of my musing to Mick flicking popcorn at me. A light laugh escapes me as I give her a ‘WTF’ glare. She knows I don’t mean it because she grabs a handful and chucks it at me, earning a, “Hey!” from the others. Popcorn starts flying everywhere and laughter fills the room. It feels so good to laugh. My sides ache and my cheeks are burning by the time we calm down. My friends are smiling and somewhere in the popcorn fiasco, Mick got pushed off the couch. She’s trying to pout about it, but the laughs that are still diminishing make it impossible.
“Well shit. That made a fucking mess,” Mick barks out. “I’ll get the broom.” She bounces out of the room as the rest of us start cleaning up. I look up at the TV just as the character is dropping off the cake and remember this movie is a romantic comedy. I stand there frozen, staring at the screen, watching as she asks forgiveness, knowing I’ll never be able to get that from Tucker. My night of fun and laughter is over. The melancholy I’ve been surrounded by engulfs me once more.
Arms circle me from everywhere and I know all of my girls are holding onto me without looking away from the TV. I want to stop watching, but I can’t. It’s like I need to punish myself by watching her try to gain forgiveness I can’t.
“Sweetie, why don’t we sit back down and talk this out?”
Sweetie. That’s what his Grams calls him.
“That’s what she calls him,” I whisper out.
I hear them mumbling and asking me who calls who what. Asking me what I’m talking about.
“His Grams, Tucker’s Grams calls him sweetie. Please don’t call me that. Can we turn this movie off? Please?” I hear how weak I sound and it pisses me off. I want to be stronger. I want to be like my sister. She’s fierce and doesn’t let anyone stand in her way. Instead, I’ve let life knock me down again and again and I never seem to get back up.
I feel someone let go of me and the screen goes blue a moment later. There’s shuffling behind me and the arms around me start coaxing me back to the couch. “Swee…Adri. Can you tell us what just happened?” Dee’s concerned voice breaks through the fog in my head and guilt slams through me. She’s pregnant and shouldn’t be worrying about me. I shake my head back and forth a few times, trying to clear the cobwebs, but they must take it as a sign that I’m saying no.
“It’s okay. Take all the time you need.” Mick is using her shrink voice. I still can’t look at them because I hate that I freaked out. I made the decision to let Tucker go, but I can’t seem to get my heart to understand that.
“Do you need to lie down?” Alahna is kneeling in front of me. Too many times since Tucker has been gone, she’s found me motionless on my couch. She’s the only one who truly knows how much I’ve been suffering since he’s been gone. The longer I sit here, the more I fear my other friends will start to know.
“I’m alright,” I wheeze out through my teeth, not believing the lie I’m trying to sell.
“I’m calling bullshit and it has nothing to do with my job, bitch.” My eyes fly to Mick’s, searching her face. The smile that greets me is what I need to let it go. If she had been looking at me with sympathy or pity I would have been angry or felt pathetic, but that’s not Mick. She always knows what I need. She knew I needed her foul mouth and sense of humor. I fall into her lap as I turn into a crying mess. I hate myself for the weakness, but I need to admit to someone that I’m lost.
My friends surround me in hugs. I can feel their arms on me, their warmth encompassing me. “You want to tell me why one of our favorite movies made you freak out?” Mick asks me cautiously.
“Tucker,” is all I can get out before I get lost in another round of sobs. It feels like my heart is trying to break free from my chest and I’m struggling for air. I thought saying his name out loud would free me somehow, but it didn’t. I know they’re going to have questions and opinions. I’ll have to talk about him, remember him. My heart falters, betraying me at the mere thought of him. It wants him here with me. It wants to punish me for sending him away.
“Is that all this is about?” Mick plays it off like it’s no big deal, but I still hear the hesitation in her voice. “Well shit, just give Hot Stuff a call. I’m sure he’d hop the first flight here.” Her words hit me like a brick to my chest. She doesn’t have any idea how much I wish that was an option, but I ruined any chance of Tucker ever wanting to talk to me again.
“I can’t,” I whisper, barely hearing my own words. “He’s done with me.”
Gasps fill the air. I can hear their disbelief so I disentangle myself from them and grab my laptop. They openly gawk at me with confusion as I turn it on saying nothing to them the entire time. There are no words to tell them what I’ve done. I have to show them, knowing it will break me all over again.
My body trembles as I open my Facebook account and go into my messages. I close my eyes for a second, praying there will be a new message from him. I’ve done this every day since his last message, but each day my heart has broken a little more when I see that he has stuck to his word. He hasn’t contacted me in any way. I take a few breaths before scrolling to the message that destroys me every time I read it and I read it a lot, several times a day. I read it in hopes that I’ll think of a way to fix this for us. Say Something has been put on repeat each night as I get ready for bed and then I apologize to Alex for sharing my time with him with the pain I’m feeling over Tucker.
I think I’ve officially gone crazy.
The ladies are still staring at me not saying anything. I can’t find any words that will explain to them why I can’t call Tucker so I place my laptop with his message open in Mick’s lap and I walk into my kitchen for some water. I can’t watch them read it. Don’t want to see their faces as the reason for my heartbreak registers. I can hear them talking quietly to each other and I’m curious about what they’re saying, but I’m afraid as well.
Will they understand why I let him go? Will they think I made a mistake?
Walking back in to join them, I keep my eyes to the floor, unable to make eye contact. It shouldn’t be this hard to be around my best friends, but my soul is shattered and my faith in myself is in disarray. I have never wanted them to see me as this shell I’ve become, so fragile and cracked. But here I stand, afraid that one tiny bump will cause me to fall apart, never to be fixed again.
The silence in the air is strangling me. I wish I had stayed in the other room. I can feel their eyes on me, but no one is saying anything and I don’t know where to start. Alahna moves first, her hands finding mine. I look up into her blue eyes and find understanding. “Is this why you were so off when Stacy brought Jesse in for his pictures?” she asks me.
I shake my head no. “I came home to this message that day. I’ve just been missing him so much that I’ve been struggling to be happy in anyway. Even with Jesse. I’m sorry.” I’m not sure why I apologize, but I feel like I need to.
“Aw, baby girl, you have nothing to be sorry for. You have suffered more heartache than anyone I know this last year and a half. Cut yourself some slack.” Dee and Mick murmur their agreement as Alahna nudges me toward the couch. Blanketed on all sides by my friends, I feel a little stronger. I brace myself for the conversation I know I can’t escape. I tell my heart to keep beating and my lungs to keep pumping air for me to breathe. As much as I know this is going to hurt, I know I need to do this. If I’m ever going to start healing, I need to start telling someone I’m not okay.
“Did you say anything back to him?” Dee asks gently. The mom in her shines through in the quietness of her tone. All of them are intently watching me, waiting to hear my answer.
“No.” I should explain, but I’m afraid of what they’ll think of me when they know the truth.
“Why?” Mick only asks me that one word, but it holds so many answers.
“I couldn’t.” I look at each of them briefly, gaining strength from their love. “The night before Tucker went back to Vancouver, I made the decision that it was best for him to move on with his life without me in it. You may not understand why I would have done that because all you saw from the outside was him making me happy after being miserable for so long. But, what you didn’t see was how, in my mind, I was comparing him to Alex. You didn’t see the ways I used him to feel close to Alex. You didn’t know that I would leave Tucker’s bed to go to my room because I had to sleep where my husband and I should be sleeping. That last night Tucker was here, I went to him and found him crying. I knew then that I couldn’t keep doing this to him, giving him only half of me because the rest of me will always belong to Alex. So, I let him go.”
I stop talking and let them absorb what I’ve said. I let them see the broken pieces of me that I’ve been hiding from them.
“He deserves to be with someone who can give him everything. I wish that were me. God, I wish that were me because I miss him so much. It feels like I can’t breathe without him, but I need to protect him from the pain I’ll cause him. Do you understand?”
They all start talking at once. I catch snippets of, “You should let him decide if you’re best for him,” and, “You’re allowed to move on,” and, “It’s normal to feel a connection to Alex still.” They’re trying to comfort me, but they’re missing my point. This isn’t about me. It’s about Tucker and protecting his heart. They continue with the reasons Tucker is good for me, how he made me smile, how good it was to see me laugh. I agree with all of that, but they still aren’t listening and I feel my frustration building the more they continue to prod me to call him. If they say one more time that he fought so hard for my attention this past month or I’ll never know how he feels unless I call him, I’m going to scream.
Why can’t they hear what I’m saying?
“I’m not calling him,” I say louder than I intended, stopping them midsentence. They stare at me, mouths agape. “Letting Tucker back into my life means hurting him. It means hurting me because it means I have to let go of Alex. I’m not ready to do that. I’m protecting both of our hearts and I need you guys to listen when I say I’m not calling him. It’s over. Besides,” I sigh sadly, “Tucker needs contact and a lot of it. He’ll realize that soon enough. It would have never worked with us being so far away from each other. Can we put the other movie on now and stop talking about this?”
They nod even though I can tell they want to say more. It’s tense as we start the movie and it stays tense for the rest of the night. I’ve never wanted a ladies night to end with my bitches before, but tonight I do.
Chapter Five
Victoria
This working Saturday to get caught up on the taping schedule sucks. I want to be away from Tucker, but it seems the fates are against me. Every time I see him, it hurts. How could I be so stupid?
I’ve been acting my ass off so I can finish out my contract, be done with this show, and move on to the next part of my life. Not that I know what that is, but Tucker is moping around, acting like his puppy died. It kills me every time I see the hurt on his face.
And Grant—that twat licking, douche nozzle—if I have to do too many more scenes with him, I may castrate him just for the sake of all other women on the planet. I’m sick of him whispering how easy it was to fool me. How I’m such a whore. If he asks me how I liked his dick in me again, I’m going to twist that little fucker right off, shove it up his ass, and ask him how he likes it in him. That smarmy bastard is pushing my last nerve. The problem is, he says it low enough that no one else hears it and everyone thinks I’m a bitch.
No one will believe he’s harassing me.
I need this job to end. I need to get away from Grant. And I need to get away from the pain I see in Tucker’s eyes.
It’s killing me.
Chapter Six
Tucker
I feel like a schmuck. The crew has been pulling extra hours and working straight through the weekends to get back on schedule and it’s my fault that we’re behind. My inability to be professional and deal with my emotional baggage has everyone else paying. What’s worse is no one other than Eddie is calling me out on it. They’re pissed at Victoria and none too quiet about it, but no one has said anything to me about the amount of hours we’ve put in to play catch up.
Speaking of Vic, I can see that Grant is harassing her. As pissed as I am at her that she called the paparazzi on Adriana and me, I can’t stand to see that arrogant prick hurting her. He thinks he’s so sly and that no one notices what he’s doing, but I was with her for almost two years. We weren’t a perfect couple, not even fucking close, but I know her tells. The way she keeps flinching away from him, clenching her hands. I see her back stiffen and her eyes slit. He’s getting to her and no one but me is noticing. I want to pummel that asshole into the ground. Not to defend her honor, but because I can see the satisfaction
in his eyes.
I should step in, stop whatever he’s doing to her, but the crew already thinks my erratic behavior is because of her cheating on me. I refuse to give them more to talk about. However, I wasn’t raised to ignore bad behavior so I speak to Eddie about it. He promises me he’ll have people watching for it, but unless she complains, there isn’t much that can be done. Figures that the asshole will get away with it.
As irritated as I am by Grant and his superior attitude, I make it my personal mission to pull my head out of my ass and start doing my job correctly. The crew didn’t put me in this situation and it’s time I stop punishing them for the decisions I’ve made. Walking by Grant, I give him the biggest grin I can and watch his cocky demeanor drop for a second before he pulls it back in place. Ah-ha. Gotcha, asshole. You’re not as sure of yourself as you play it off to be. I’m an actor too and it’s time I play the part.
The rest of the day, I’m on fire, my usual swagger in full effect. I feel like the old me even though my heart is still aching. I still want to run back to New Hampshire, drop to my knees, and beg Adriana to take me back, but the people around me have no idea of my inner struggle. They see the Tucker they’ve grown accustomed to working with. The best part is seeing Grant start to come undone. It’s pissing him off that I’m back. He loved seeing me down and kicked me every chance he had. Well, that’s over now and that son of a bitch is going down for the pain he’s caused. I’m going to love every minute of watching him squirm.
At the end of taping, the crew heads out for drinks. The debacle of last night is still fresh in my mind, so I turn them down when they ask me to go. I’m in no mood to deal with the women who will hit on me and it’s a given that they will. It has nothing to do with my looks. Just being onscreen makes me a walking fucking bulls-eye to the masses and tonight I want to relax. I’m exhausted from the performance I put on for everyone today.