by Renee Dyer
I make sure Grams is settled in for the night, pack my bags, and lay down. I know I won’t sleep. Strain over leaving Grams has me far too wound to even close my eyes. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to handle seeing Mikos again. I don’t want to see him, but I want every second I can get with Grams.
Why couldn’t he just stay gone?
Chapter Twenty Two
Mikos
Some would think me cowardly, but I’m trying to do what’s best for my mother and son. I’m in the backyard where they can’t see me, but with the couple windows that are open, I can hear everything that’s being said. Of course, they don’t know I’m here. Not that it would change what Tucker has to say.
I called Cal last night and asked him to go to Ma’s this morning, to be there when Tucker had to leave. After seeing how badly Tucker reacted to seeing me last time, I thought it was best for everyone. He didn’t need to be upset before heading back across the country. Ma didn’t need to see us argue again. I almost had to take her to the hospital last time. And, honestly, I’m not sure I can handle seeing my son look at me with hatred in his eyes again.
Too many times, I didn’t think of Tucker first, but this time I am. He doesn’t want to see me. He’s close to Cal. This will be an easier transition for him. It’s the least I can do for him. Maybe someday, we can have a talk. Maybe I can explain to him what happened. He’ll probably hate me more when he finds out the things I’ve done. The things that I’ve done that hurt this whole family, but I want him to know all of me.
Maybe someday he’ll hear me out.
Chapter Twenty Three
Tucker
I feel my blood pressure rise as soon as the doorbell rings. I’ve tried to prepare myself to see Mikos again, but no amount of preparation can get you ready for the father who walked out on you. I can feel Grams staring at me as I walk to the door. Spine straight, head high, because I refuse to show weakness to him, I open the door.
“Cal? What are you doing here?” I ask in surprise. I expected to see Mikos, but instead Cal Senior is standing before me with his arms full of groceries and a smile on his face. I grab the bags from him and he walks in.
“Your father asked me to come in his place to make this easier for you.”
“Yeah, he wants to make things easier for me,” I say sarcastically. “That’s always been at the top of his list of to do’s.” I start to walk away from Cal, feeling an old anger rise up.
He grabs my arm and I stop out of respect for him. He helped me out of a lot of bad spots over the years. Many to do with his own son. I don’t know how Cal Junior turned out to be such a louse because Cal Senior is as good a man as they come. “There’s a lot you don’t know, Tucker.” That’s all he says and he lets me go.
I turn on him, my anger boiling now. Really, a lot I don’t know? I’m tired of these little comments. If there is something I should know then why the hell doesn’t someone tell me? “Let me guess, Cal, all this stuff I don’t know is going to suddenly make me think he’s a great guy,” I say snidely. “I’ll just forget that he tore me from my home right after my mother died and then left me. That he never came back for me. Is that what you’re telling me? That he had a good excuse for abandoning his son. I’d love to hear what that story is.”
My voice is raising and Grams is walking toward me. “Sorry, Grams. I’ll get my stuff and go. You and Cal can catch up.” I turn and bring the bags into the kitchen, unable to look at her. I start unpacking the bags, knowing that she followed me, but I still can’t face her. She had a heart attack and I can’t keep my damn temper under control.
“I don’t blame you for being angry with your father, but snapping at Cal isn’t going to make you feel better.”
I can tell she wants to say more, but she doesn’t. She stands there, silently waiting for me. I keep putting the groceries away, thinking of how best to put this. It’s become obvious to me over the last few days that Grams had a relationship with Mikos all these years. He was in contact with her and he still wanted nothing to do with me. A new level of pain has been added on top of all my old hurt. I don’t know how to say that without stressing her and stress is the last thing she needs.
“I’m sorry, Grams, but you and Cal can’t take away years of what he did by saying I don’t know the story. The story is that he left me because he didn’t love me enough to stay. I know what he said to me the day he took me from our house. You weren’t there. Those words play through my head all the time. What he said to me about not loving, about hating; he told me he hated me and he proved it. You two can’t take that away with a couple stories of who you may know him to be. I know him to be someone different.”
I turn around now and I hate the hurt I see in her eyes, but I need her to understand. She needs to see that there is no fixing what’s broken between Mikos and me. He made the decision to leave and now he needs to stay gone from my life. “I’ll finish putting this away and then I’ll apologize to Cal before I head out.” She nods. “I love you, Grams.”
“I love you, too, sweetie.”
Chapter Twenty Four
Mikos
Oh, Tucker. I’m so sorry, son. I want to break down the door and pull him into my arms. I want to shake him and scream into his face that I never hated him. That I’ve always loved him. I so badly want to tell him the story that Cal referred to, but now is not the time. I don’t know that there will ever be a time. Listening to him talk to Ma, I know that he may never be willing to speak to me.
The words that I said to him all those years ago come back to haunt me.
“It’s better to hate than to love, Tucker. When you love, you can be disappointed. You can be hurt. But, when you hate, you stay strong.”
I was drinking. I never should have been with him, never should have driven with him. I’m lucky we’re both still alive. How do I ever explain all the horrible things I’ve done or make it up to him?
Chapter Twenty Five
Adriana
It’s been a long day. I’d like to say only because I know I’ll see Tucker on the computer tonight, but the paparazzi have come back in full force. They had tapered off to only a few stragglers while we were apart, but now there is a swarm waiting to see if he’ll fly in or what I may mysteriously do. Seriously, this is New Hampshire. And, it’s Epping, no less. What the hell do they think I’m going to do? I’m tempted to go streaking across my front yard just to give them something to snap pictures of.
I wish they would go away. It’s bad enough they harass me, but my neighbors and friends have to be bothered by them, too. Dee and Kale’s kids are afraid of them. It’s a nightmare. Tucker sent the security team back while I was in Kansas and he found out there were pictures of us. He knew this would happen. I wanted to live in a blissful bubble and believe that all would be normal when I got home. He was right, though. I came home to the paparassholes hounding me.
So, the security team follows me wherever I go which is weird. They did let me go to Alex’s grave alone. I appreciated that. It’s nice having them at the studio because it keeps the vultures away. Alahna and I can run a stress free shop. I bake them goodies. I can’t help myself. They never seem to take food breaks and I know they must get hungry. They’re so serious all the time. I try to joke with them, but getting them to even crack a smile is nearly impossible. Food seems to be the only thing that breaks through the impenetrable shell. I know they aren’t here to be my friend, but I hate the idea that they’re miserable.
Relaxing into my couch, I fire up my laptop with a shit-eating grin across my face. I can’t contain the excitement I feel. I’m a little early. Tucker’s text from earlier said he’d meet me at ten for our ‘face date’, but there’s still over half an hour until then. I’m too excited to wait until then. I have to make sure I remember how to log into Skype and I want to be ready when he logs in. I can’t believe I’ll be seeing his face soon. I haven’t stopped smiling since I walked through my door.
I decide to check Facebook w
hile I’m waiting and I giggle out loud like a silly teenage girl when I see a message from Tucker.
This is how I feel when I’m away from you, sweetness. Can’t wait to see you tonight.
I stare at the picture he attached, take in every detail. The red of his hoodie sweatshirt, how his hair looks so sexy sticking out in a jumbled mess from underneath the hood, the way one arm rests on his laptop and the other supports his head. The pout and sadness in his eyes grips me longer than it should. It holds me prisoner and won’t let me look away for several minutes. I’m sad away from him too, but I keep telling myself that we’ll find a way to make this work. I force my eyes down to his opened sweatshirt to the exposed skin of his chest where he has the sweatshirt unzipped. I wish I could reach into the screen and touch him, run my hands across his smooth skin and take the sadness from his eyes.
I type back that I miss him and I’ll send pictures soon. If I can’t be with him, then I can send little pieces of me to him. It will have to do for now. I close out of Facebook and wait for his face to appear before me. I have butterflies in my stomach and I don’t know why. I’ve talked to Tucker plenty of times, but it’s different talking to him this way. I think I’m scared he’ll think this is too much, that he’ll think I’m not worth the effort. Fear makes me nervous.
“Hi, sweetness.” His voice jolts me and I almost drop my laptop. There he is. I want to laugh and cry at the same time. Sometimes I forget how gorgeous he is. Those lips that I want to bite all the time are smiling at me and those eyes that I get lost in are twinkling. I wonder what mischief he’s gotten into.
“Hi.” I’m breathless and I know my smile is so big I must look like a clown, but I can’t find it in me to care. It’s only been a few days since I saw him, but it feels like weeks.
“You’re a sight for sore eyes.” I blush at his compliment and look down, the smile never leaving my face. “Never look away from me, Adriana. You are beautiful and should be told that every day. I intend to tell you that as often as I can.” I look back to my screen and see the determination in his eyes. Even though the image isn’t perfectly clear, I can see how his eyes darken. It sends a wave of arousal through my entire body and I feel heat wash over me. I know my cheeks deepen in color and I work hard to keep his gaze.
“How did things go when you left Rose today?” I don’t mention Mikos, but I’m sure he knows what I’m asking. His eyes darken more, but this time there’s an exposed pain there that I know he wishes I couldn’t see. He doesn’t look away, but he doesn’t speak either. I can see he’s trying to figure out what to say. After a minute or two, he sighs and runs his hand down his face. How I wish I were with him to offer him the comfort he obviously needs.
“He didn’t show up.”
“What! But, he knows Rose can’t be alone! How dare he not show up?” I feel myself getting extremely angry and it’s more than Mikos not showing up today. He bailed on his son for years, but he walked back in claiming he loved Rose. He sounded sincere and I bought it. I listened to Rose’s story about him and I felt bad for him. Now he’s done it again and I feel like a sucker.
Tucker chuckles and I startle at the sound. The smile on his face and the sound of his laughter startles me. “Do you have any idea how sexy you are when you go into protector mode? It makes me want to undress you, pin you down, and have my way with you. If only I was there...” The implication in his words has me wet in seconds. “He sent Cal Senior in his place. Grams isn’t alone. Cal said he was trying to make it easier for me.”
He doesn’t have to say who the ‘he’ is that was making it easier. I can tell by the slouch of his shoulders that he is having a hard time accepting and talking about this. Most people would let it go, but I’m not most people. He’s made me face a lot of demons so I can get stronger. I think it’s time to help him do the same thing.
"How did you handle that?” I ask it gently, afraid he’ll misunderstand me again. I don’t want him thinking I’m taking Mikos’ side again.
“Not so well. I yelled at Cal when he told me I didn’t know the whole story.” He hangs his head and again I wish I were with him. Maybe this isn’t the time for this. “I’m tired of hearing that I don’t know the whole story. Why can’t they understand my side of the story? I was a kid. I needed my dad and he wasn’t there. He told me he hated me and then he left. My mom died and he left me.” I watch as he tries to keep control of himself. He keeps running his finger over his bottom lip. I’ve never seen him do this before. His shoulders go up and down with his breathing. “When I needed him the most, he was gone. Why doesn’t anyone want to hear that?”
Oh, my broken Tucker. He’s right. People should hear him, but they’re right too. Part of him healing is knowing everything. “I’m so sorry for everything you lost and went without, Tucker. I can’t even begin to imagine it. Can I ask you a few things as someone looking in from the outside?” I’m worried he’ll say no, that he’ll think I’m overstepping my bounds.
“Of course you can, sweetness.” He gives me a nervous smile. I know this isn’t easy for him. I have to watch what I say. My goal is to help him, not hurt him further.
I sit up a little straighter and try to prepare myself for how he’ll react to what I have to say. I wonder if this is how he felt the morning after we were first intimate and he had to be real with me. I suddenly have a new respect for this man. I know there isn’t anything I won’t do for him. Taking a deep breath, I begin.
“While I was alone in the hospital with Rose she told me some of Mikos’ story.” I watch his eyes go wide. I can’t describe what I see in them. It might be fear that I’m going to choose Mikos over him. It might be anger that she told me about him. I’m not really sure. “I thought at first that she told me because she could see my anger at him, but the more I’ve thought about it, I think she told me because she thinks I can help you to move on from your childhood. I won’t tell you what she said to me that day. I don’t want to get any part of the story wrong and because I don’t honestly feel that it’s my place to.”
I wait a minute and let what I said sink in, not wanting to push him too fast. I know he’s not going to decide that he wants Mikos in his life after one conversation, but maybe he’ll be willing to talk to Rose about him.
“Why are you telling me this, Adriana?” His voice is hoarse and I can feel some anger directed at me. I expected it, but I guess I was hoping he would stay calm.
“I was going to go slow with this, but I think I need to just say it and let you yell if you need to. Is that okay? I’ll listen to whatever you need to say. If you need to scream, if you need to cry, even if you need to sit here in silence after.” I see his trepidation and I hate it, but I don’t know how else to get this done.
“There comes a time in life, Tucker, when we run out of hellos and goodbyes. We run out of chances to make things right and listen to people say I’m sorry. If people keep saying you don’t know the whole story, maybe there’s a reason for that. I know the story your Grams told me and I think you should hear it. I don’t know if that’s all of it or if there’s more. Do I think that story alone will change your mind about Mikos? Honestly, I don’t. I do, however, think it will give you an understanding of the man he was. Not the man he became, but maybe why he ended up that way. And, I think that may help you. I don’t know if you can ever forgive him and I’m not asking you to. All I want is for you to stop hurting like this and if they have answers that may help you to stop hurting, then I wish you would hear them out. Now, if you’re mad at me for saying that and need to yell, go ahead.”
I close my eyes and brace myself for his harsh words that I know must be coming. Silence greets me and I continue to wait. He must really be pissed if it’s taking him this long to figure out what to say to me. He clears his throat and I peek one eye open at him. He has a smirk on his face and I’m not sure what to think of that.
“Didn’t I tell you never to look away from me, sweetness?” I open my eyes wide and give him my full
attention, deciding to take whatever punishment he doles out for the words I said to him. “Did you really think I’d be angry at you for caring about me?” I nod my head yes. “Is this because of what happened the night I saw Mikos?” I loudly gulp and nod again, going with honesty. “I’m sorry that you were worried about being able to tell me the truth. I want you to always be honest with me. I don’t know that I agree with all that you said, but I’ll think about it. It couldn’t have been easy for you to say that stuff knowing how I feel about him.” I shake my head no, not sure I should add any words to what I’ve already said.
We both sit in silence for a minute just watching each other. You’d think it would be uncomfortable after what we’ve been talking about, but it’s not. This seems to have strengthened our connection. There’s a warmth in my chest and it feels like my heart wants to jump from my chest through the computer to become one with his.
A yawn escapes me and I realize we’ve been on Skype for well over an hour. It feels like we just logged on. “Think it’s time we call it a night. We need to do this Skype thing whenever we can. I want to see your face as much as possible.”
I smile and blush. He knows just what to say to make me swoon. “I agree. Let me know when you have your schedule and we can make a schedule of our own.” The planner in me couldn’t help but make the comment.
“Goodnight, sweetness.”
“Goodnight, Tucker. I…”
“Yeah, sweetness?”
“I miss you.”
“I miss you, too. Talk to you tomorrow.”
My screen goes blank and I sit there kicking myself. I almost told him I loved him. What the hell was I thinking? I am falling in love with him, but I’m not sure I’m there yet. I could have screwed everything up. I need to be more careful with his heart and mine.