by Renee Dyer
Dee and Kale are laying in the bed together. He has his arm behind her and she’s nestled into him. The baby is in her arms, but Kale has his hand on her. The baby looks so tiny under his big hand. She has a precious light pink blanket with little foot prints all over it wrapped around her and a tiny pink hat on her head. All we can see is little cheeks from where we stand at the door.
Instantly, I bring my camera to my eye and snap a couple shots of them. It’s the perfect shot and I can’t lose it. Dee is still glowing. Her hair is shiny and even without makeup, she looks beautiful. She doesn’t look like she just gave birth to a baby. She’s smiling and happiness is flowing from her.
“Do you ladies want to meet my princess?” Kale asks, pride wafting from him. We walk over to the bed and he looks up at us. “This is Molly Lynnette Bryan. She’s perfect, right?”
We both smile and nod our heads yes. She is perfect, from her round cheeks to her little lips and her tiny fingers that are sticking out of the blanket. She’s the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen. Kale pulls the hat from her head and she has a halo of blonde hair. I look to Dee who has tears in her eyes.
“She’s so beautiful, Dee,” I say, bending down to hug my friend. Her boys all had dark hair as babies. A couple I witnessed myself, but I saw pictures of the others. Molly is so fair compared to her brothers. Her hair is like her mother’s.
“I’m going to go grab a coffee down the hall. Any of you ladies want a drink?” Kale asks. We all answer, “No.” He unravels himself from his girls and makes his way out of the room. Dee has a look of complete peace on her face.
“Can I hold her?” Dee doesn’t answer, just holds her up to me. I gently take her into my arms and have to take a second to steady myself. I have to every time I hold a baby. I breathe in her baby powder scent and can’t stop the tear that falls down my cheek. I wipe it away quickly, but not before my friends see it.
“I’m so proud of you, Dee,” I say, trying to cover what really brought on my tears. They know about the twins, but I can’t bring myself to intrude on my friend’s happy day. Holding Molly—any baby—is a reminder that I will never hold my babies. As happy as I am for Dee, my heart breaks every time I see or hold a baby. Every cry I hear, every time I smell baby powder. It makes my stomach hurt, reminding me at one time I had two lives growing in there.
“You have a whole lot of people who love you, little girl,” I whisper to her, trying to get past the sadness taking over my heart. Alahna stands beside me, smiling down at her. She makes silly faces and cooing sounds at her and I can’t help but feel happier than I did a moment before.
“My turn. You don’t get to hog her,” Alahna says.
I don’t know why, but handing her over is painful for me. I try to mask my feelings as I feel the emptiness in my arms when Alahna takes her from me. It feels like losing a child all over again. It shouldn’t. I know this. In my mind, I try to think of when my next therapy session is. I’ve come a long way, but I know I still have a lot of healing ahead of me.
“Little Molly, I hope you meet a handsome stranger in an elevator someday. Maybe you can tell him your name is Emily.”
I start laughing, knowing exactly who she’s referring to.
“Oh my God. Gavin Blake, that’s right! Yes, Molly, shoot for finding yourself a Gavin, little miss. Auntie Alahna and I will teach you all about him. Him and bottle caps.”
“Ooh-ooh-ooh, we need to get her some onesies made. How about they say, ‘Gavin’s Baby’?”
Dee smirks at us as I chuckle at Alahna. “What about, ‘Bottle caps, anyone?’ You and I will know what it’s about, but other people will think it’s a reference to baby bottles.”
“I love you, Adri. Our little girl will walk around with ‘Gavin Fuckable Blake’ on her and no one will be the wiser. You’ll love that, won’t you, Molly?” she coos at the baby as Dee and I giggle in the background.
“No one should be talking about men and the word ‘fuckable’ around my daughter,” Kale snaps, walking back in the room. “Christ, ladies, she isn’t even a day old. Keep your damn book men where they belong—in your books. My daughter is staying innocent forever. Just like daddy wants her to.”
We can’t stop ourselves from roaring out in laughter at him.
I can’t wait to get home and call Tucker. I fire up my laptop, load pictures of Molly, and send Tucker the best ones before I dial his number. I hope he isn’t in the middle of a scene so I can talk to him. When Yvette answers, I instantly feel disappointment, but she tells me to hold.
“Sweetness? Everything okay?”
“Everything is perfect. Dee had the baby. She’s so precious. I sent you pictures.”
“She’s gorgeous.”
“Wait, what?”
His laughter reaches me through the phone. It rumbles through my entire body, waking up every nerve and cell along the way.
“Kale texted me a picture earlier and said something about you and Alahna being inappropriate around his little girl. Want to tell me what you did?”
I laugh before answering, “He didn’t like our book talk. I think he should loosen up.”
Amusement is clear in his voice. “Would you want someone talking like that in front of your daughter?” he asks.
His words stop me short. My daughter. I’m not at a loss for words because of the twins. I’m picturing what it would be like if Tucker and I had a little girl together. In my mind, I wonder if she would have my eyes or his. Would she have his olive skin tone or would she be fairer like me? I shouldn’t think like this. We aren’t anywhere near that point in our relationship, but his words sounded so intimate… personal.
“I’m sorry. That was rude of me to say.” I hear regret in his voice and I feel bad for my silence.
“Tucker, please don’t apologize. Everyone needs to stop apologizing for what I’ve lost. None of you took Alex or the twins from me. And, I need to stop making you feel like you did.” I wish I could tell him the thoughts I was having, but fear keeps me from saying anything else.
“I’m so proud of you, sweetness. For seeing that you needed help and for getting it. For telling your friends about the twins. I sat there in awe of you. I’m in awe of you all the time. Your strength knows no bounds. I—”
I hear someone call his name through the phone and I want to strangle them. I want to know what he was going to say. I’m sure he wasn’t going to say I love you, but anytime a sentence starts with “I” and it doesn’t get finished, you wonder.
“I have to get back to work. Skype me later so I can see your beautiful face. I miss you.”
“I miss you, too.” We still never say goodbye. We simply hang up. One mistake I made hangs over us like a black cloud. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to correct it.
Chapter Fifty Five
Tucker
I should be with Adriana today. I should be at Dee and Kale’s celebrating Easter with them and the kids, but I’m not. I’m in Kansas, bringing Grant to meet Mikos. How did I get dragged into this clusterfuck?
That’s right, he’s my little brother.
And, he says I owe him.
I don’t see where I owe him a fucking thing, but I’m sick of his whiny ass following me around, telling me how I ruined his fucking life. One of these days, I’m going to punch him in his damn mouth and give him a reason to hate me.
We’re meeting at Grams’ house. I respect Mikos for telling Grams about Grant and not letting that responsibility fall on me. She was angry at first. Angry that he never told her, that she missed out on knowing her grandson, that Mikos walked away from both his sons, and that Grant and I never got to know each other. I never really heard Grams swear until the night she called me to ask me how I was doing.
She thought telling me about my mom having cancer twice and how he suffered from her death was going to change my mind about him. When I knew the drunk he became, I would understand why she was better raising me. She begged me to believe her that she had no idea that I had a b
rother. It broke my heart to hear her cry. If Mikos had been in front of me, I would have kicked his ass for the tears she cried.
Right now, she’s in her bedroom. I asked her to stay there while Mikos and Grant talk. I don’t know what will go down and I don’t want her in the middle. I warned her how Grant can be and told her what he told me of his story. Grams being Grams told me, “He’s not a bad guy, sweetie, his heart is just full of hurt. You’ll see.”
I want to believe that. I want to believe that someday my brother and I can have a relationship, but right now, we can barely stand to be in the same room together. I watch him pace the living room that holds a mixture of happy and painful memories for me while we wait for Mikos to arrive.
“If you feel at any time that you’ve had enough of talking to him, you just say the word. I’ll ask him to leave.” I don’t know why I feel like I need to protect him. Maybe this is what big brothers do. Maybe it’s because of the hurt Mikos has caused me.
He stops and looks at me. “What do I say to him?”
Fuck!
How do I answer this? I’m no expert when it comes to talking to absentee fathers. I’ve barely spoken to Mikos myself. But, this is the first time Grant has asked me for advice and I feel like I need to answer him. And, it needs to be heartfelt.
“I think you ask him what you want answered the most… even if you’re afraid of what he’ll say.”
He nods at me and resumes pacing. That was the most civil conversation we’ve ever had and for one second, I have hope that he and I can find a way to deal with each other.
A knock sounds out and I know it’s Mikos. “I’m going to bring him in here and then I’m going to go sit in the kitchen while you two talk. If you need me, I’ll be right in there.” I point to the next room over so he knows where I’ll be.
He nods again, but I see the anxiety all over his face. I give him a reassuring smile and head for the door. When I open it, Mikos gives me a big grin. It’s still shocking to see his face. I move aside and he walks by me.
“Thank you for coming, Tucker, and thank you for bringing your brother to meet me.”
“You’re welcome.” It feels weird to be thanked for this. Grant wanted to meet him and he didn’t feel comfortable coming alone. I didn’t want to come, but he instigated me into it and I wouldn’t leave Grams to deal with these two. Here’s to hoping this doesn’t turn into a bloodbath. Grant has the Stavros temper, for sure.
I walk with him into the living room where Grant has stopped pacing and is watching us like we’re bugs under a microscope. I wonder if he’s trying to see if I lied about Mikos and I having a relationship.
“Grant, this is our father, Mikos Stavros. Mikos, this is Grant.” I see how Grant flinches when I say father and how Mikos flinches when I say his name instead of dad. There’s no way I can win here. There’s too many hurts and they can’t all be fixed in one night. Maybe though, a little healing can start tonight.
“I’ll be in the kitchen.” I walk away without saying another word. I probably should have asked if they wanted drinks, but that just gives them something to throw at each other. Best to just let them talk.
It stays quiet for several minutes and I can picture them staring each other down, sizing each other up, and deciding the best way to approach one another. I can feel the tension here, in the other room. Finally, Mikos asks Grant what he’d like to know first.
I sit in the kitchen for close to two hours, listening to them go back and forth. Sometimes they talk rationally. Other times, I think I’m going to have to intervene before fists fly. But, I give Mikos credit, no matter what is said, he adamantly refuses to insult Grant’s mother. This seems to piss Grant off.
“She’s a whore and I can’t believe you don’t agree with me on that after what she did to you.”
“I may not have raised you, but my blood flows through your veins and I will not stand here and listen to you call your mother names! You show some respect, boy! That woman raised you. She loves you. She may not have done everything right, but at the end of every day, you are everything to her.”
“Done everything right?” Grant sputters. “She fucked men behind my dad’s back to make me. Yes, men. Did you think you were the only one? Think again, Dad.”
I can hear the sneer in his voice. I know this Grant. I’m going to let him talk a little longer, but if he gets much more out of hand then I’ll step in.
“You were baby daddy number three. The first guy was a bust. Didn’t work. The second guy was so drunk, his dick was limp, but you… you were the fucking stallion who got her knocked up. Ding, ding, ding, tell the man what he’s won! A twenty-three year old son who’s completely fucked up because his mom is a whore and his dad died hating him when he found out his son wasn’t his. Don’t stand there telling me to respect her. She ruined my life.”
“She GAVE you life!” Mikos’ voice booms through the house. “We all make mistakes, Grant. I made mistakes too. I walked away from both of my sons. I can’t ever make that right, not completely, but I’m here. I’m trying. Life is short. Don’t let hatred consume you so much that one day she’s gone and you never get to tell her that, deep down, you love her. When people are gone, you can’t tell them all the things you wished you had said.”
“You and she would make a good pair; spouting about how much you want to make amends. Did you ever think that maybe you can’t fix things? Did you ever think maybe you broke things beyond repair?”
“Excuse me.” Oh, shit. Grams, now is not the time to get involved. Why can this woman never do what I ask?
“You don’t know me, but it sounds like you’re going to leave here and never come back and I’m not missing my only chance to meet my grandson.”
I was already walking from the kitchen at the sound of her voice. I watch as she walks straight to Grant and wraps her arms around him. She doesn’t ask if it’s okay, she doesn’t care what tension there was seconds before, she just wraps her arms around her grandson.
Grant looks at me and I can’t stop the smile that spreads out on my face. Maybe Grams should have been down here the whole time. She’s the glue that holds this family together. I nod to Grant and he wraps his arms around Grams. It’s an awkward hug from him, but it’s a start.
When they pull apart, he looks at Grams and says, “I’m sorry for the offensive words you heard me say, ma’am.” I almost pass out. I’ve never heard Grant be that nice to anyone.
“Poppycock. You call me Grams like everyone else. You are my grandson, after all.”
Grant gives Grams a smile, a genuine smile. Mikos looks at me and he smiles. I realize this is the beginning of us building a family.
Chapter Fifty Six
Adriana
I was disappointed when Tucker couldn’t come out for Easter as planned, but I understood that he needed to be with Grant when he met Mikos. Well, I told myself I understood. I know Grant is his brother, but he treats Tucker like shit. I don’t understand why Tucker had to be with him and why it had to be on Easter. I think Grant did that just to be spiteful. I wanted to say that to Tucker, but having a brother is new to him and I don’t want to stand in the way of whatever relationship they may be able to have.
But, if Grant hurts Tucker, I’ll hunt him down and show him what happens when you hurt the people I love.
Tucker may not have been with us to celebrate Easter, but he thought ahead and surprised us. A big, white Easter Bunny showed up at Dee and Kale’s house with baskets of goodies for the kids and he had specific directions from Tucker to hide eggs and stick around while the kids found them. They got pictures with him and did the bunny hop. The boys loved it. He even brought a fluffy pair of bunny ears for little Molly.
After a couple hours of the bunny playing and amusing the kids, he waved and said his goodbyes. He asked me to walk to his van because he had a message from Tucker. When we got there, he opened the door and pulled a small purple basket from the front seat. There were a few candies in it and one
pink egg sitting perfectly in the middle with a note on pastel yellow paper tucked in next to it.
I pulled the note out and it read:
Sweetness,
I asked the bunny to bring you something sweet. He was happy to oblige. I told him I wanted to give you carats and guess what? He cried. Happy Easter.
Love,
Tucker
I giggle at his words and look at the bunny who is still standing there. “Sorry he tried taking your carrots.”
He shrugs at me and points to the egg. I put the basket on his seat and grab the egg. I open it and gasp. Inside is a sparkling pair of solitaire diamond earrings. I grab the note and read it again, this time noticing the word carats and how it was spelled. My heart melts with affection for this man who is so many miles away, but feels so close to me.
I thank the bunny and send him on his way. While I’m still separated from everyone else, I send Tucker a text.
Thank you so much, Tucker. They’re beautiful!
I want to cry out with happiness when I get a text back from him so quickly.
Only made more beautiful by you wearing them.
I can’t think of a time I’ve been so happy and I can’t wait until next weekend when I get to see him again. I’ll be sure to wear my new present from him.
And maybe nothing else…
Tucker is picking my friends and me up in the network’s jet and flying us out to L.A. for the Cancer Forward benefit. Dee and Kale aren’t going. I’m bummed that they won’t be with us, but I understand. She’s still breastfeeding and it would be hard to bring Molly along to this. Stacy and Jesse are coming along with us and he is so excited to go on his first plane ride.
He’s been jumping around, his eyes lit up like it’s Christmas morning. Stacy is trying to contain him even though we keep telling her he’s not bothering us. I find him adorable. He keeps asking his mom if it’s time to get on the plane and how long until we’re in California. It’s his version of, ‘Are we there yet?’ Stacy looks flustered, but the rest of us are amused by his energy. We may change our minds by the time we get there.