The Problem Child

by Michael Buckley

  Sabrina cringed. She hadn’t told Granny that she’d discovered that the girl in the red cloak was Little Red Riding Hood. Daphne had just spilled the beans that the children had been doing research. Luckily, the old woman didn’t seem to notice Daphne’s slip.

  “I have a very important announcement to make,” Puck said, wiping his greasy mitts on the front of his green hoodie.

  Granny raised her eyes in surprise. “Well, don’t keep us waiting.”

  Sabrina scowled. The old woman was intentionally avoiding talking about finding Henry and Veronica.

  “As all of you know, I have been saving your lives a lot lately. It seems every time I turn around you three are a breath away from the grave. Well, it’s got to stop! I’m retiring.”

  “Retiring?” the old woman said.

  “Yes, I’m out of the hero business. I’m not one of the good guys. I am a villain—”

  “Of the worst kind,” the Grimm women said. “We know, we know!”

  “I thought all the do-gooding wouldn’t be so bad if I could make some money, but I extended credit to people who could not pay,” Puck said, scowling at Sabrina. “So from now on I’m going back to being one of the bad guys full-time, which, unfortunately, means that since I’m not saving your lives anymore, you’re all as good as dead. But a villain has to draw the line somewhere! Bad guys do not save people from the jaws of doom! Bad guys push people into them.”

  Granny Relda smiled. “But you’re so good at being a hero. Maybe you’re supposed to be one and just don’t want to admit it.”

  Puck shook his spoon at her. “Don’t even joke about that, old lady. I’m serious. I’m going to have to do an awful lot of bad stuff just to break even.”

  “Oh, so you did this when you were being a saint,” Sabrina said, pointing at the doodles on her face.

  “I could have tattooed it, Captain!” Puck said.

  Sabrina threw down her fork and rose to her feet. “Come here and let me show you how bad I can be!”

  Puck leaped up, spun around on his heels, and morphed into a parrot. He leaped onto Daphne’s shoulder and shrieked, “Shiver me timbers, it’s Captain Doodieface, scourge of the smelly seas!”

  “Children!” Granny cried as she stepped in the midst of them.

  Just then a series of short honks followed by a long impatient blast came from outside.

  “Who’s that?” Daphne asked.

  “Oh, my, he’s early. Children, let’s hurry and get our coats on,” Granny said.

  Puck morphed back into a boy. “Where are we going?”

  “To the dedication for the new school. Ms. White invited us,” Granny said. “Everyone will be there.”

  “What new school?” Sabrina said.

  Granny ignored her and hurried to the closet for the coats.

  “But I’m not done eating,” Daphne complained.

  “Hurry, lieblings,” the old woman said.

  Daphne grumbled to herself as she got up from the table. She peeked in the old woman’s direction and, apparently seeing she was out of view, snatched a handful of pancakes and wrapped them around some link sausages. She dipped them all into the syrup on her plate and shoved them into her pants pocket.

  “That’s going to smell fantastic later,” Sabrina said as Granny returned to the room with the childrens’ coats.

  “It’s better to be smelly than hungry,” Daphne said matter-of-factly as she tried to put on her mittens with sticky fingers.

  Puck crossed his arms in a huff. “I just want to be clear. If a monster attacks while we’re at this dedication I am not going to help out. In fact, I might actually help drive the crowd into a frenzy. Are you sure you want me to go, old lady?”

  “We’ll take our chances,” Granny Relda said.

  Elvis trotted into the room. Seeing that everyone was leaving, he began to whine. Daphne rushed to the big dog and hugged him.

  “Honey baby sweetheart, we wouldn’t leave you,” she assured the Great Dane and gave him a big smooch on his lips. Elvis licked the girl’s maple syrup–covered face and then went to work stealing the pancakes from her pocket. Daphne squirmed away from the furry breakfast bandit. “Hey, get your own, you traitor.”

  “Come here, boy,” Granny said and the big dog darted to her. The old woman quickly dressed him in his Christmas vest and hat before he could get away. Elvis dropped his head and sighed. “Don’t be a baby. It’s cold out there.

  “And what are we going to do about you?” she said, cupping her hand under Sabrina’s chin and eyeing her face closely. “Honestly, Puck. This time you’ve gone too far.”

  “Really?” Puck cried. “That’s the nicest thing anyone’s said to me in a long time.”

  Granny took a bright orange toboggan hat, put it on Sabrina’s head, and pulled down until it covered the writing on her forehead. Then she wrapped an itchy wool scarf around the girl’s face all the way up past her nose. “Perfect!” the old woman declared.

  Once everyone was ready, the family stepped outside. A bright yellow taxicab with fuzzy dice hanging from the rearview mirror was parked in the driveway. Sitting in the front seat was an incredibly old man with a long white beard. His head was tilted back and even from the porch the girls could hear his loud, raspy snores.

  Granny stepped over to his window and tapped on it several times. When this had no effect, she knocked even harder, but still the man dozed away. Finally, Granny opened the front door and pushed down on the car’s horn. The blast shocked the old man and he jumped in his seat.

  “Great Jehoshaphat!” he cried.

  “Mr. van Winkle, we’re ready to go,” Granny Relda said.

  The tired old man rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and climbed out of the car. He wore a black bomber jacket and gray slacks. He looked like some of the cab drivers Sabrina had ridden with back home in New York City, except for the fact that he had a bristly white beard that hung down to his ankles.

  “You didn’t say anything about a dog,” he grumbled.

  “Mr. van Winkle, this is Elvis. He’s perfectly tame,” Granny Relda insisted, ushering Elvis, Daphne, and Puck into the back of the cab, leaving the front seat for Sabrina.

  “Has he got all his shots?” the driver grumbled.

  “Have you?” Daphne asked, covering Elvis’s ears with her hands so he wouldn’t hear the driver’s comments. “Don’t listen to the mean man.”

  “Fine, bring that mongrel, but if he wrecks my cab you’re going to have to pay for the damage,” Mr. van Winkle grumbled. Sabrina looked the car over as she walked around to the passenger side. It was a museum of horrible accidents. Scratches, dents, and duct-taped dings covered every inch of the cab. It reminded Sabrina of the kind of car that is slammed into walls to check for safety. When she looked inside, she half-expected to see a crash-test dummy in the passenger seat. There was nothing that Elvis could do to the four-wheeled death trap that the driver and Father Time hadn’t done already.

  When they were all inside, Elvis’s big head popped up over the front seat and he sniffed the air wildly. The little old man had a greasy sack on the dashboard that smelled of hot peppers and mozzarella. Elvis rested his head on the driver’s shoulder and eyed the bag hungrily, letting out a whimper.

  “Not a chance, fleabag. That’s my lunch,” Mr. van Winkle said before he turned his attention to Sabrina. Her scarf had slipped down, revealing her mustache and goatee. “I’ve never had a pirate in my cab before.”

  Puck laughed so hard he snorted.

  Sabrina frowned and covered her face with her hand.

  “Where to?” the cabbie asked.

  “We’re going to the elementary school dedication, by the river,” Granny Relda said as she helped Daphne into her seatbelt.

  “We’ll be there in a flash,” Mr. van Winkle said. He put his keys into the ignition and turned the engine on. Then nothing. For some time Sabrina thought the old man was thinking about a good route to the school, or maybe waiting for traffic to pass so h
e could back out. But when five minutes had elapsed, Sabrina looked over to see what was wrong.

  “Uh, Granny? He’s asleep again,” she said.

  Granny leaned forward and eyed the man. “Give him a little poke in the arm.”

  Sabrina nudged his shoulder but it didn’t wake the old man.

  “Try the horn,” Granny Relda said.

  Sabrina pushed down on the car horn and the old man awoke with a start. “For the love of all things good and holy!” he cried.

  “We’re ready,” Sabrina said.

  He rubbed his eyes once more and then threw the car into reverse and pumped the gas. They were off.

  “So you two are the famous Sabrina and Daphne Grimm, huh?” said the cabbie. “Heard a lot about’cha. Word is you two killed a giant, took down Rumpelstiltskin, and went face to face with a Jabberwocky. Tough kids. Never heard of anyone walking away from one of those things, except maybe that knight. What was his name, again? The one with the Vorpal blade?”

  “You’ve heard of the Vorpal blade?” Sabrina asked, remembering her research from the night before.

  “Yep, that’s the only thing that can kill a Jabberwocky, from what I hear,” the driver said.

  “Any idea where we could get one?”

  The driver chuckled. “It’s not like they sell them at Wal-Mart. No, there was only one Vorpal blade and from what I hear it’s lost.”

  Sabrina frowned.

  “So you’re an Everafter?” Daphne said.

  “Sure, I’m Rip van Winkle,” the driver said. “You ever hear of me?”

  Daphne squealed. Meeting the man behind the famous Washington Irving story was like meeting a movie star to the seven-year-old girl.

  “I read about you in the orphanage library,” she said. “You fell asleep for a hundred years and when you woke up everything was different. How did it feel to sleep that long?”

  There was no answer and Sabrina glanced over to the driver. He had dozed off for a third time. Even worse, his foot was still pushing down on the accelerator and the cab was picking up speed rapidly. Instinctively, Sabrina grabbed the wheel, though she had no idea how to drive a car.

  “Help!” she cried. “He’s out cold again!”

  Granny reached forward and pushed hard on the horn, and the man nearly jumped out of his seat. “Wowie-kazowie!” he exclaimed, giving the steering wheel a quick turn and sending the cab sailing into a parking lot. He braked just inches away from a dump truck. Everyone sat still and caught their breaths. As they calmed themselves, the dump truck started up and then pulled away. It had been obstructing their view, and when it was gone, they saw a shocking sight.

  They were at the old school that had been blown to smithereens by Rumpelstiltskin just days before, but it was completely gone. Every board and brick had been removed and in its place was a brand-new building. The roof was complete but for a few shingles, the walls had been painted, and workers wearing bright-orange hard hats hustled from one place to the next, nailing the last details into place.

  “It’s impossible,” Sabrina said as she opened her door and stepped out of the cab. How could they have built a brand-new school in such a short time? She knew the answer the second she spotted one of Mayor Charming’s witches hoisting the American flag up a shiny new flagpole. Morgan le Fay was one of the Three, a group of witches that also included Glinda, the Good Witch of the North, and Frau Pfefferkuchenhaus, the witch from the Hansel and Gretel story. They worked for the mayor and made most of his problems disappear overnight.

  The whole scene made Sabrina sick to her stomach. Mr. Canis was buried beneath the new school. He had died saving the children of Ferryport Landing and this is how the town repaid him. If Sabrina could have, she would have ripped the new school down with her bare hands rather than have her grandmother see it.

  “We should go,” Sabrina said as she turned to Granny Relda. She couldn’t imagine how painful this must be for her grandmother. “This town is heartless.”

  “I’ll be fine, liebling,” Granny said.

  “Hello, Mrs. Grimm,” Morgan le Fay said, sashaying over to the group. She was a beautiful woman and the construction workers ogled her every move. “Isn’t it wonderful?”

  “Yes, for a cemetery,” Sabrina replied.

  Morgan’s smile disappeared. “Well, I won’t keep you. It’s cold out here,” she said as she handed each of them a button with VOTE FOR CHARMING! printed on it in big purple letters.

  Granny thanked the witch and turned back to the cab driver. “I’d appreciate you waiting. We’re going to leave Elvis here with you.”

  “No way, lady!” Mr. van Winkle said as Elvis licked his face. “This thing is a menace on four legs.”

  “But just imagine the tip you’ll get if you stick around,” Granny said.

  The driver scowled but nodded his head. “Make it quick, will ya?”

  Granny Relda led the children into the building, where they found a series of paper signs pointing in the direction of the “Dedication Ceremony.” The signs ended at two double doors. Granny pushed them open and they stepped inside the school’s new gymnasium.

  The sounds of celebration filled Sabrina’s ears. Every Everafter she had met since arriving in Ferryport Landing, and a whole bunch she had never seen before, stood around talking. A round little robot man made entirely of copper stood nearby talking to a skinny man made of sticks with an enormous pumpkin for a head. A black panther and a huge gray bear talked politics in a corner. There were also ogres, witches, fairy godmothers, an occasional cyclops, an enormous snail smoking a hookah pipe, and dozens and dozens of handsome princes and beautiful princesses gathered in small clusters. A beautiful cocoa-skinned woman in a green dress smiled and waved at Granny Relda.

  “It’s nice to see you, Briar Rose,” Granny called out to her.

  “Who’s that?” Daphne asked.

  “You know her better as Sleeping Beauty,” the old woman said. Daphne opened her mouth, inserted her palm, and bit down.

  “For the love of Pete, what are you doing here?” a voice said from behind them. Sabrina spun around and found a very small man in a black suit eyeing them disapprovingly. Mr. Seven, as he was known, was the mayor’s assistant, limo driver, and personal whipping boy. He was also one of the seven dwarfs. He looked nervous, sweaty, and exhausted.

  “Hello, Mr. Seven. Snow White invited us down to see the new school,” Granny Relda said to the little man.

  “Well, you’ve seen it. It’s great, isn’t it? Now why don’t you leave? The boss is going to blow his top if he finds you here. He’s in a foul mood today,” the little man said, looking around nervously.

  “You mean worse that his normal foul mood?” Sabrina said.

  Just then a tall broad-shouldered man in a purple suit swaggered into the gym. He was impossibly handsome, with dazzling blue eyes, a strong jaw, and perfectly combed black hair. His face was one big smile, and he shook hands with everyone he encountered. He came over and grabbed Sabrina’s good hand without even looking at her. He shook it vigorously then peered at her closely. He yanked the wool scarf from her face and groaned.

  “Mr. Seven, what are the Grimms doing here?” Mayor Charming demanded. The little man fumbled for words but had no answer.

  Mayor Charming was the hero of about a dozen fairy tales. Also known as Prince Charming, he had saved many a damsel in distress—and married a good number of them, too—but somewhere along the way he had stopped being charming and had turned into a first-class jerk. He was rude and condescending, and for almost two hundred years he had been in a bitter feud with Sabrina’s family. He’d vowed to someday buy up the whole town and knock down the Grimm house. Still, there was more to him than just nasty hot air. Sabrina had to admit that the mayor came through in a pinch, once lending a hand to stop a giant from destroying the town and then helping prevent Rumpelstiltskin from breaking through the magical barrier that kept the Everafters trapped in Ferryport Landing, but Sabrina wasn’t sure he hadn�
��t done it all out of self-interest.

  “Mr. Seven, I asked you a question. Who was the moron who invited the Grimms?” Charming asked angrily.

  “I invited them.” Charming spun around and saw Snow White enter the gymnasium. At one time the mayor and the teacher were engaged to be married, but Snow White had left the prince at the altar, putting an end to their “happily ever after.” Sabrina couldn’t blame her. Sure Charming was beautiful to look at, but when he opened his mouth, ugh! Still, it was obvious to anyone that the two were still not over each other.

  “When I said moron I didn’t mean you, of course,” Charming stammered.

  “I would hope not,” Ms. White said.

  “But why on earth would you invite them?” the mayor said. “This is a ceremony for the Everafter community only. Almost everyone here hates this family.”

  “Well, I don’t, Billy,” Ms. White replied. The mayor’s angry face immediately softened.

  “Well, uh . . .” Charming stammered. “Of course they’re welcome.”

  He bent over and whispered in Sabrina’s ear, “Take your grandmother and sister and find a rock to crawl under until this is over. And go wash your face, child. You look like the captain on the cereal box.”

  “Well, I suppose it’s show time,” he said, straightening up and forcing a smile to his face. “Don’t want to keep the public waiting.”

  “Good luck,” the beautiful teacher said as she stood on tippytoes and kissed the mayor on the cheek. Charming’s face turned bright red and he looked a little dizzy. He mumbled a few incoherent words and then walked away.

  “You’ve got quite a power over him,” Mr. Seven said to Snow White, who turned bright red and giggled. “I wish we could have you around twenty-four hours a day.”

  She grinned. “If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to find a spot a little closer to the stage.”

  Granny winked and Snow White disappeared into the crowd.

  Suddenly, two tubby men came through the double doors with Sheriff Hamstead, a Grimm family friend, in tow. The two men wore white shirts, blue jeans, and hard hats, and were carrying a set of blueprints with them. Sabrina recognized them as the sheriff’s former deputies, Boarman and Swineheart. The sheriff was doing his best to get their attention. To the casual observer the three looked like normal, if a bit overweight, people, but Sabrina and her family knew their secret identities. Boarman, Swineheart, and Hamstead were really the Three Little Pigs in magical disguise.