Baby Aliens Got My Teacher!

by Pamela Butchart

  You know how sometimes you try to tell your mum and dad something REALLY important and they say stuff like, “Ah-ha, that’s good,” or “Go tell your dad,” or “Don’t be silly,” or “Can’t you see I’m on the toilet?!”

  Like the time I found a crisp shaped EXACTLY like Mrs Cunningham who lives upstairs and when I showed Mum she just said, “No thanks, you eat it.” I obviously did NOT eat it. I put it in an envelope and carefully posted it through Mrs Cunningham’s letter box. Because that’s what I would want someone to do if they found a crisp shaped exactly like me (also called a crisp twin).

  Anyway, one time me and my friend Zach who lives downstairs ran home from school to tell Mum something EXTREMELY IMPORTANT about an INCIDENT that had happened that day. But she didn’t listen. Even though we were all sweaty and red and out of breath from running. And Zach had fallen and cut his knee and everything! But Mum just gave me a LOOK like I was making it up and said, “Don’t be silly, Izzy,” just like she ALWAYS DOES! Mum always thinks I’m making stuff up. She says I have a

  And I say that I can’t help it that weird stuff always happens to me!

  So I told Zach to tell her, because she NEVER shouts at Zach or tells him HE’S making things up. One time, I asked Mum why she shouted at me and not at Zach when we coloured in Dad’s head when he was sleeping. And she said, “I’m not Zach’s mum, but I am YOUR mum, so I’m ALLOWED to shout at you!”

  So Zach told her about the INCIDENT at school, and guess what? Mum phoned his mum and she came up and SHE shouted at him. Right there in our living room in front of me and Mum and Dad and everything. I was worried she was going to start shouting at me too. But then I remembered the Shouting Rule.

  I felt bad for Zach. His mum shouted REALLY LOUD and got a lot angrier than my mum did. When they left, Mum said it was because Zach’s mum and dad have split up and that this was the last thing Zach’s mum needed as she already had “TOO MUCH ON HER PLATE!” I didn’t know what that meant. But then I remembered that, last week at school dinners, Mrs Kidd (the school force-you-to-eat-every-scrap dinner monitor) wouldn’t let me leave the table until I finished EVERYTHING on my plate. And I felt sick because the stupid dinner lady had given me five ice-cream scoops of shepherd’s pie. They use the ice-cream scoop for all the food at our school. Zach says that they don’t even wash it before they serve the ice-cream and he knows that for a fact because his mum used to be our old dinner lady. Anyway, I HATE shepherd’s pie so I couldn’t finish it all and I got really angry because I wasn’t allowed to leave the table and I DEFINITELY had too much on my plate!

  So, anyway, Mum told me to go to my room and do my homework. But I said I couldn’t until she listened to what had happened at school that day. But then her eye started to get all twitchy and that’s what happens before she gets really annoyed and starts shouting things like, “That’s it! I’ve had it! No holiday!” So I just left it and said sorry because I really, really want to go to Disneyland in the school holidays as we didn’t get to go on holiday last summer because Dad had to work.

  So I went upstairs, but I didn’t go to my room. I sneaked along the hall into Mum and Dad’s room and phoned Zach on his new mobile phone.

  Dad says that it’s RIDICULOUS that Zach has a mobile phone at his age, especially one that’s better than his. Mum says that Zach’s dad buys him lots of expensive things because he’s not around as much as he was. I know Zach misses his dad but we don’t really talk about it because Zach doesn’t like to.

  So anyway, I phoned Zach from Mum’s room. And someone answered. But it wasn’t Zach! It was somebody else! And then I remembered that we had left our school bags in school because we had run away after the INCIDENT. The INCIDENT that Mum didn’t want to hear about. So I slammed down the phone and dialled 999. Because that’s what the police officer that came to our school said to do in an EMERGENCY.

  And this was an

  Even though the INCIDENT happened on Friday, I’m going to start this story from Monday, because lots of other stuff happened before the INCIDENT.

  Jodi (our friend and third witness) says that we have to call what happened an INCIDENT and not an ACCIDENT because an ACCIDENT is when something happens by accident and an INCIDENT is something that happens that is not an accident. And what happened at school on Friday was definitely NOT an accident.

  On Monday, me and Zach walked to school like we always do, because our school is right beside where we live. And Jodi’s mum drove Jodi right into the playground even though Mr Murphy (the Head Teacher) shouts “NO CARS ALLOWED!” out of his window EVERY morning.

  I don’t think Jodi’s mum even hears Mr Murphy shouting because she has her music up really loud and I can usually hear what song she’s singing along to even though all the windows are rolled up.

  Jodi says her mum is practising for X Factor because she’s bored of working in the bakery and that she’s “SICK TO THE BACK TEETH” of smelling like sausage rolls. But Jodi says her mum’s not very good at singing and that one time the woman who lives upstairs came down to their door and shouted at her mum and called her a “NIGHTMARE NEIGHBOUR!” and said it sounded like a cat was being strangled.

  So that’s when we started to spy on the woman who lives upstairs because as Jodi said, “How does SHE know what it sounds like when you strangle a cat?” And this was a very good question. I have two cats and Zach has one, so we followed her for a while to make sure she wasn’t a Cat Strangler. But she didn’t really go anywhere and then one day she caught us peeking through her letter box and she phoned the police and even though we told them about her being a Cat Strangler we still got into big trouble. But I didn’t really mind because now she knows that “WE’RE ON TO HER!” and Zach said that she was “UNLIKELY TO STRIKE AGAIN” with us watching her. So our cats are safe.

  Anyway, I also once heard Mr Murphy tell the office ladies that Jodi’s mum was a “NIGHTMARE PARENT”. And I didn’t think that was a very nice thing for the Head Teacher to say. So I told Jodi and she told her mum and now every time Mr Murphy goes into the bakery, Jodi’s mum gives him the cakes that have fallen on the ground.

  But I’m secretly glad that Jodi’s mum can’t sing very well because that means she still has to work in the bakery. So when we go to Jodi’s house there are always loads of doughnuts and yum yums and Bakewell tarts because her mum gets to bring them home for free. I’ve not decided what I’m going to be when I grow up yet, but I’m thinking about becoming a baker.

  So anyway, me and Zach were walking up to the school gates when Miss Jones (our horrible teacher) drove past really fast and splattered us with a massive puddle. I screamed, but Zach screamed even louder because he was standing nearest to the road and he got completely SOAKED! Zach screamed even louder than the time I put a pea in each finger of his gloves. Zach is TERRIFIED of peas. His mum says he has a PHOBIA about them, which I think means he’s scared he’s going to turn into one, but I’m not sure.

  Anyway, I got really wet too and the mud splattered all over my new bag. And Zach got mud all over his teeth because he had his mouth open when Miss Jones splashed us. So we had to go to the school nurse because we were soaking wet and she made us wear the spare “I-had-an-accident” clothes and sent us to class.

  At least we BOTH had to wear the “I-had-an-accident” clothes. Because if it had been just one of us, everyone would have thought we had had a REAL ACCIDENT, like Maisie Miller had last year when Jodi made her laugh too much.

  When we got to class, Miss Jones didn’t even ask us why we were late. I thought that was really WEIRD because usually Miss Jones asks you for a note and if you don’t have one she tells you off and makes you go back down to the school office to get one.
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  I don’t understand why she makes us do that because it takes two and a half minutes to get back down to the school office, then another three minutes to wait for the office ladies to stop ignoring you and open the glass window, then another two and a half minutes to get back upstairs to the class again. That’s a total of eight minutes. So if you’re only two minutes late in the first place, you end up being ten minutes late!

  So me and Zach just went and sat down in our seats and told Jodi why we were wearing the “I-had-an-accident” clothes. Then Jodi told us that Miss Jones was being really nice today and that she said we didn’t have to do our maths work this morning.

  I was really happy that we didn’t have to do our maths because even though I am quite good at maths, I hate doing it because it’s boring and I have to share a book with Gary Petrie. And he always picks his nose and puts it in between the pages and calls it “A CRUSTY SURPRISE”.

  But I DID think it was really weird that Miss Jones didn’t want to do maths that day because everyone knows that Miss Jones LOVES maths. She loves it so much that one time when nobody got the answers right in the maths quiz, Miss Jones got really annoyed and shouted at Jodi, and Jodi got upset and shouted, “Miss Jones, if you love maths so much why don’t you just marry it?!” And then she got kept in at break “for cheek” and got double maths homework.

  So anyway, we decorated our exercise books instead and that was better than maths. But I was a bit suspicious about why Miss Jones was being so NICE because she’s NEVER nice. Zach said maybe it was because she felt bad for splashing us. But I said that Miss Jones hadn’t even noticed that she’d splashed us because she was driving like a MANIAC.

  I used to think our old teacher, Miss Riley, hated us. One time I wrote MISS RILEY IS MEAN on the board when she wasn’t looking. But then when she saw it she started crying and I felt really bad. That’s when I found out she probably didn’t hate us because if you hate someone I don’t think you really care if they call you mean.

  But I had been sure that Miss Jones actually DID hate us because she ALWAYS moaned at us (even when we weren’t doing anything wrong). And she NEVER gave us free time or treats like the other nicer teachers in the school gave their classes.

  One time Maisie Miller was swinging on her chair and she fell off and hurt her arm and I SWEAR Miss Jones had a tiny smile on her face.

  But the time I found out that Miss Jones REALLY hated us was when Jodi had one of her JODI TANTRUMS (also called a JT) in the middle of the Christmas Concert because Gary Petrie was supposed to be a lamb but he kept saying, “MOO! MOO!” every time it was Jodi’s turn to speak. And Miss Jones didn’t do ANYTHING about it.

  So Jodi started kicking everything and pulling her hair out (just like she always does when she has a JT). Then she shouted, “YOU HATE ME, MISS JONES, DON’T YOU?!” and Miss Jones didn’t even deny it! So then Jodi kicked the manger and the baby Jesus fell out on to the stage and everyone in the crowd gasped and someone said, “OUTRAGEOUS!” and Jodi started crying.

  I don’t know why everyone got so upset because it wasn’t like it was a REAL baby that fell out of the manger. Our baby Jesus is made of plastic.

  At lunchtime, Miss Jones let us out five minutes early because she was going OUT for lunch. I thought that was also weird because Miss Jones NEVER goes OUT for lunch. She usually just sits at her desk and eats a smelly Cup a Soup. Then when we come back into class we try to guess what kind she had that day by smelling the air.

  Last week I guessed MIN-E-STRO-NE and when Zach checked in the bin to see the wrapper he couldn’t believe that I’d got it right. But that’s because I saw it in her drawer earlier when I was looking for the Big Stapler. But I didn’t tell him that.

  So anyway, on Monday everyone thought Miss Jones was great because we didn’t have to do our maths and also because we got one hour and five minutes for lunch. Then after lunch she didn’t get back until two minutes after the end-of-lunch bell had gone.

  I wanted to ask her if SHE had a note, but Zach said, “No, don’t! We’ve got to keep her in a good mood so she says we don’t have to do any work again!” And guess what? That’s EXACTLY what she said!

  On Tuesday, Miss Jones was wearing make-up. I’d never seen her wearing make-up before. Zach said it made her look like she was one of the young teachers, but I thought she still looked like she was about thirty or something old like that.

  I was just about to sit down at the table when I saw the weirdest thing ever. There was a teddy bear on Miss Jones’s desk!

  You might think that’s not very strange at all, but Miss Jones isn’t really a teddy bear kind of person. She’s more of a hates-puppies-and-thinks-kittens-are-ugly kind of person.

  The teddy was pink and had “You’re Great!” written on its tummy and a rose in its paw. Everyone STARED at it but nobody knew what to do so we just sat down. And then Miss Jones said, “Let’s all make Valentine cards today!” and gave us all pieces of pink card with little red love hearts and put The Greatest Love Songs Ever 6 on the CD player. I thought this was weird for three reasons:

  Reason 1 – Miss Jones was smiling (a lot).

  Reason 2 – Miss Jones was singing.

  Reason 3 – It was October.

  Everyone just stared at each other. I think we were in shock. Like the time me and Mum were waiting for the bus outside the library and I leaned against the glass in the bus shelter. But I didn’t know that the glass had been taken out because of VANDALISM and I fell backwards.

  I almost rolled on to the road and got hit by a bus, but a man who was there dropped his peanuts and grabbed me before I did. Afterwards, Mum kept saying, “THANK YOU! THANK YOU!” and trying to give the man money to buy new peanuts but he wouldn’t take it. And then on the bus I didn’t say anything at all. And I still had my apple in my hand and I had squeezed it so hard that my nails were stuck in it and Mum said that I was in shock.

  Anyway, Zach likes making cards so he said he was going to make one for his mum to cheer her up and I just said OK and didn’t make fun of him like I sometimes do.

  So me and Jodi sat together and tried to find out why Miss Jones was being so weird. Jodi said that one time her aunty started doing lots of weird things, like saying, “Good morning, Jeffrey!” to an orange and pouring milk on her violin. The doctor had said that it was STRESS and sent her aunty to bed for a little rest.

  Then I remembered that at Cousin Clare’s wedding, Mum had acted really weird too. She had kept telling everyone that she loved them and had thrown her shoes out of the window.

  Dad said that Mum had “BEEN A BIT TIPSY” that night.

  So me and Jodi pretended to make Valentine cards, but really we made a list of all the things that might be wrong with Miss Jones.

  But then we couldn’t think of any more diseases Miss Jones might have, so we showed it to Zach and he said that writing a list was a stupid thing to do. He said that he liked Miss Jones now because she was being nice, and told us to stop doing the list.

  So we fell out with him until the bell went. Then when we were putting our coats on, Jodi said that her mum would give me a lift home if Zach didn’t say sorry for saying the list was stupid and that he’d have to walk home on his own. So Zach said sorry and Jodi said, “Apology accepted!” and we walked home.

  On Wednesday, Miss Jones stood at the door and patted our heads when we walked into the classroom. Then she started calling us all weird names like “pumpkin” and “peach” and “pomegranate” when she was doing the register. I thought maybe we were going to be starting a new project on fruit or something. But we didn’t. Instead, Miss Jones gave us all sweets and said we could watch a film!

  I got really excited because Miss Jones NEVER gives us sweets or lets us watch films. Not even when it’s the last day of term. So we all got comfy on the floor with the big cushions. And then Miss Jones sat on the floor with us! I’d never seen a teacher do that before.

  The film was OK to begin with. It was about a huge me
teorite that was heading towards Earth and everyone was panicking because the Earth was going to explode. But then it got all soppy and Miss Jones cried so much that Zach nearly had to get the nurse just to calm her down! Then Miss Jones just sat there hugging her teddy and saying, “THIS IS MY FAVOURITE FILM OF ALL TIME.”

  That’s when I knew Miss Jones had gone BONKERS. If this was her favourite film, why would she be crying so much all the way through it?

  That afternoon Miss Jones said that it was high time we did some MEDITATION. So we sat with our legs crossed and said, “UMMMM UMMMM UMMMM UMMMM,” for ages.

  I didn’t really understand what MEDITATION was for but Miss Jones said it was for RELAXING and she must have been right because Maisie Miller got so relaxed that she fell asleep on my leg. Or maybe she just fainted again. You can never tell with Maisie Miller.

  One time I tried to show Maisie my ingrown toenail just before I had my TOENAIL REMOVAL OPERATION. But she fainted before I even got my sock off.

  We were supposed to keep our eyes closed during the meditation, but I peeked to see if anyone else was peeking and Zach was peeking too. And then he saw me peeking and whispered, “Look! Look at Miss Jones!” So I did. And she had her eyes closed and she was waving her teddy slowly backwards and forwards in the air and chanting, “AAAAAAA-uuuuu-EEEEEEE-oooooooooo.”

  When we were finished meditating, Zach said that Miss Jones really WAS being weird and asked to see the list again. He said he didn’t think that Miss Jones had tipsy disease or stress. But he said that she might have CRAZINESS. So we added it to the list.