I laid my hand on her forearm to encourage her.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “It’s not that serious. Besides, my insurers are getting to know me. I used them only a few months ago. Seeing how much we pay them, it’s just as well they have something to do.”
Tears began to well in the corners of her large, distressed eyes.
“Than . . . thank you! You . . . you’re so kind! In your place I think I would have gone berserk.”
“That wouldn’t have done much good.”
“I’m so . . . so . . . sorry! I don’t know what’s happening to me lately. Nothing is going right. My nerves are in tatters, I feel like chucking it all in . . . and now this. Today has been just . . . appalling. It’s too much.”
She broke down in a torrent of sobs. This started me thinking . . .
My heart began to race. Had the moment come? She’s the one, I thought, feeling quite emotional myself.
Would I be up to it? Unconsciously, I sat up straighter in the bistro armchair and took a deep breath before I plunged my hand into my coat pocket and began to stroke the little piece of card I found there.
“What’s your name?” I asked her.
“Isabelle.”
I held out my card.
“Here, Isabelle. Take this. The thing is, I might be able to help you . . .”
She snatched my business card with the incredulous expression of someone who found it hard to believe anyone could do anything for her.
“I’m a routinologist.”
“A routine-what?”
Pocket Dictionary of Routinology Words and Phrases
Act as If: The mental technique of “acting as if” consists in behaving as if the situation bothering you or the thing you have to do that least appeals to you were the most exciting activity in the world. Live it 400 percent, rather than drifting along: do not sit around waiting for change to drop into your lap.
Amorous Creativity: Dare to be creative! Brainstorm loving ideas, and jot down all of them following the principle of CQFM. C: no Censorship or Criticism. Q for Quantity: produce the maximum amount of ideas. F for Fantasy: note down even the most ridiculous and improbable suggestions. M for Multiplication: one idea leads you to think of another. Whether you write inventive “love letter texts” or find unusual places to meet to surprise your loved one, creative thinking will always be your greatest ally in the battle against routine.
Art of Modeling Yourself: This involves finding role models among celebrities or fictional characters, people whom you admire for a certain quality or aspect of their lives. Like Camille, you can list them (“I’d like to have the wisdom of a Gandhi, the calm of a Buddha,” etc.) and make a collage of their photos and hang it somewhere where you will see it regularly. Or you can imagine that you are such and such a person and act accordingly so as to gain self-confidence. Choose the best from your mentors—attitudes, behavior, philosophy—and construct your own template for success.
Be a Cat: You can “be a cat” by allowing yourself a moment that is entirely yours, a peaceful, calm moment anchored in the here and now. You will be able to stretch, yawn, let your ideas float like a soft meditation. Being a cat is simply to be happy “being,” without the pressure of “doing.”
Deep Breathing: Two or three times a day, make time to do some deep breathing. Sit down, relax your body, loosen your jaws by opening your mouth slightly. Breathe in for a count of four, hold your breath for two, breathe out for four, hold it for two. You will gradually increase your breathing capacity and will be able to breathe at a rate of eight (breathe for eight, hold for four), twelve (breathe for twelve, hold for six), or sixteen (breathe for sixteen, hold for eight).
Note: Exhaling is all-important, because the more completely you breathe out, the more you fill your lungs with new air. This supply of oxygen will refresh your entire body, not to mention your brain.
Dramatic Triangle: This is a principle that describes the three symbolic roles we play in turn, more or less consciously, in a negative relationship: that of victim, persecutor, or savior. There’s never a good way to resolve this triangle, apart from quitting the game.
Elastic Bands: The “elastic bands” of the past are events that have affected you but that you do not realize are still influencing you in the present. Situations in your current life can reopen those wounds and in spite of yourself release an emotional charge out of proportion to the event unleashing them. In order to live the present more fully, you need to identify these elastic bands and to cut them, first by recognizing their existence, then by doing something about them—for example, working on repressed anger from the past or incomplete mourning either through writing therapy or by seeing a counselor.
Empathy, Wet and Dry: “Wet” empathy is when you take on board another person’s problems and absorb their negative emotions. This will only lead to you feeling bad as well. “Dry” empathy is when you listen at a distance, so you can understand and sympathize with the problems of those around you, but you are not contaminated by all the negative vibes. It is a useful shield to protect yourself.
Feeding Your Rats: You “feed your rats” if you encourage that part of you that likes to complain and play the victim. What you need to do is stop feeding them and become aware of how this negativity nurtures fear and opens up secret wounds. This will make you less vulnerable, because you are surer of yourself.
FEET: When you find yourself in a tense or hurtful situation, rather than reach for your “reproach machine gun,” express your grievances clearly and calmly. To do that, remind your interlocutor of the Facts that upset you. Then express your Emotion, how this made you feel. Encourage the other person by suggesting a way out. Then propose a Truce by pointing out how things could improve, creating a win-win situation for both sides.
Imaginary Camera: To use your “imaginary camera” and modify your “perception filter,” you must go in search of Beauty, focus your attention on pleasant and joyful things in the street, on public transport, wherever you go. This will help you build up a catalog of positive inner images that will be really helpful in reprogramming your brain to be more positive also.
Inner Catalog of Positive Images and Memories: This goes hand in hand with your imaginary camera. You create a mental photo album of pleasant, peaceful moments that you can recall regularly to rediscover those “good vibes.” This reinforces a healthy mind-set and a positive view of the world.
Inner Dialogue: To change your “inner dialogue” for the better, there is a proven technique: every morning in front of the mirror, repeat positive statements about yourself. Even if you do not yet entirely believe them, your brain will hear and register them. This will boost well-being and help restore a positive self-image.
Inner Smile: The masters of Tao taught the art of the “inner smile”—or the art of regaining inner harmony—a guarantee of health, happiness, and longevity. This is a state of well-being created by regular relaxation and deep-breathing exercises. The inner smile also encompasses the capacity to accept others, to show them—and yourself—sympathy, generosity, and love. Once you attain this state of mind you will attain—in the familiar term—“inner peace.”
List of Positive Experiences and Good Qualities: Draw up a list of the major experiences in your past that illustrate your successes, your good qualities and capabilities. This will let you focus on the positive areas of your life or personality, and so help your self-esteem.
Mission Spring-Clean: This involves cleaning inside and out. Cleaning inside means you identify everything that seems toxic to you or negative, or that gets in the way of your relationship with others, the way you organize your life or your environment. Like Camille, you can write a list of “I no longer want . . .” Cleaning outside means looking at your lifestyle to see how it can be improved, from getting rid of useless or damaged things to sorting your possessions out and throwing away what you don’t w
ant or need, tidying, redecorating . . .
Moments of Gratitude: Each day, think about everything that has been positive, from the least significant to the most (a delicious early-morning cup of coffee; the great joy of a personal triumph), and say “thank you.”
Positive Anchoring: This is a technique that will put you in a receptive mood—in other words, in a favorable physical and mental state. How? By reactivating the sensations you felt at a happy moment in your life. To do this you need to create an anchor: in a calm place, visualize the happy moment you wish to recall, and associate it with a word, image, or gesture. With training, you will be able to recover the anchor by reproducing the gesture or word, or by recalling the associated image, and thus rediscover the desired emotional state.
Positive Notebook: This is a book in which you note down, in alphabetical order, your successes and joys, both large and small. How? For each letter of the alphabet, think of keywords that suggest significant, positive moments. For example: A for Adrien (the happy times spent with your child); L for Love (your most beautiful romantic moments); M for Marbella (somewhere that reminds you of a memorable holiday) or Martial Arts (perhaps you won a medal and remembering it makes you proud). Describe your memory as precisely as possible—the surroundings, the people involved—and also outline your physical and emotional response.
Positive Thoughts and Attitude: Your words give off vibes. So does your physical attitude. Both of them greatly influence your mind-set and therefore your reality. That is why it is good to adopt positive thoughts and posture. Stand upright rather than hunched, smile rather than scowl, see the positive in everything instead of complaining and becoming discouraged. Train yourself to look on the bright side; when you speak, make it sound positive and not negative, use the active form of verbs rather than the passive. To say “I’ll never do it in time” is not the same as saying “I face up to difficulties by getting organized and mobilizing my resources.” It’s up to you!
Power Songs: Download a playlist of music that makes you feel as if you have wings.
Promises Notebook: This notebook is for you to write down the objectives you have set for yourself and the promises you have made to yourself, to help you remain fully committed to your resolutions. And make sure you tick off each one as it is accomplished. Remember that the most important thing is not to know what needs to be done but to do it. Just do it!
Red Card: This is a small signal you can agree on with your partner (or child) to warn them that an argument is brewing. It is like a red warning light in a car. This can help avoid aggression taking hold.
Reproach Machine Gun: This is the weapon we use when we start our sentences with a “you” of reproach (“You never think about . . .”; “You plonk yourself in front of your computer without asking me if . . .”). This is strictly forbidden, because it always ends with us caught up in a spiral of aggression. Better to learn to express your grievances with an “I.”
SMART Method: This will help you define the goals you wish to achieve and give you the greatest chance of achieving them. You need to ensure that your objective is Specific (clearly defined and adapted), Measurable (so you can assess when the goal is achieved), Attainable (defined in a realistic way, divided into a series of accessible goals; it should not be the “unreachable star”), Realistic (in order to stay motivated, your objective should match your capabilities), and Timely (you need to set yourself a deadline).
Steam Off Stamps: This means that you dare to say what is troubling you and you express your feelings as soon as there is any unease or conflict, whether this is latent or not. This will help you avoid any pressure-cooker explosions.
Swear-Jar: This is your anti-wallowing kitty! Make your swear-jar out of a jam jar or similar. The idea is that each time you catch yourself wallowing in negative thoughts, you put money in the jar. The whole family can join in!
Theory of Small Steps: This theory tells us that it is advisable to see the process of change as a series of small steps, small transformations, rather than an enormous mountain that has to be scaled in one go. This makes it seem less daunting, and the result will be even more rewarding.
Acknowledgments
A huge thanks to Stéphanie Ricordel and Élodie Dusseaux, my editors at Eyrolles, for having believed in my project and allowing it to see the light of day.
An equally big thanks to Stéphanie, my twin sister, and to my mother. They have both helped and supported me with their kind and constructive advice throughout the writing of the book.
Thanks finally to my son, Vadim, for being what he is and for bringing me so much happiness.
Your Second Life Begins When You Realize You Only Have One
RAPHAËLLE GIORDANO
Discussion Guide
—
A Conversation with Raphaëlle Giordano
Discussion Guide
Why do you think Camille feels as if her life is missing something at the beginning of the novel? Do you relate to her character? Why or why not?
Why does Camille decide to go with Claude’s unorthodox therapy? Would you have called him? Why or why not?
Have you ever had a case of “routinitis?” What helped you to climb out of your rut? What strategies from the novel would you try in your own life?
On this page, Claude says “The capacity for being happy has to be worked on, built up day by day.” Do you agree with him? How do you think you could start building this capacity in your own life?
Claude teaches Camille the “theory of small steps” (this page), asking her to start by listing out everything she’d like to change in her life. What are the top three things you want to change in your own life?
Claude reminds Camille that “many people know what they’re supposed to do to lead a happy life but never really put it into practice” (this page). Do you think that’s true? What do you think might be holding people back?
What would you say are your top three successes in your life? Why do you think these three achievements mean so much to you? What could you do to create similar success in the next year of your life?
What do you think about Claude’s “elastic band” theory? Have you seen this play out in your own life?
Do you have a role model? If so, who is it? What is it you admire about them? What is one thing you could do tomorrow to emulate these qualities?
Think back on the past few days in your life. What things would you list in your Positive Notebook?
Claude teaches Camille to “anchor” herself in a positive memory. Have you ever tried this exercise before? How do you think it might change your perspective? What anchor would you choose for yourself?
Were you surprised by the novel’s ending?
A Conversation with Raphaëlle Giordano
What inspired you to write this novel?
I’ve been carrying Camille’s story with me for a long time. The book isn’t autobiographical, but just like Camille, I also experienced an important turning point in my life. Specifically, right after my experience working as the creative director of a communications agency in Paris, where I was having a rather difficult time. That experience drove me to leave the business world and put myself first. I decided to take the road less traveled and to throw myself into a much more artistic lifestyle. Though it was less stable, it felt like it fit who I was and my most important life aspirations. Over the past ten to fifteen years, I’ve done a lot of searching and reflecting about who I was, who I am, and who I want to be in my life. I’ve experimented and thought a lot about different techniques people can use to go about achieving their wildest dreams. It takes a lot of creativity. My life experience made it easy for me to write Camille’s story, because I understand the twists and turns that happen on the road to transformation.
While Your Second Life Begins When You Realize You Only Have On
e is your first novel, you’ve published nonfiction books before. What was different about writing fiction?
Writing fiction feels much more fluid than writing nonfiction. I used to be a graphic designer, so I’m a very visual person. So, when I write this type of story, I have to use metaphors and I have to make my writing really visual. That’s what feels natural to me.
The title Your Second Life Begins When You Realize You Only Have One is so fun! How did you come up with it?
In a lot of the creative fields, you do group brainstorming. It was actually my son’s father who came up with the title after some brainstorming and internet searches. Both of us used to work in publicity in creative fields, so we’re trained to come up with titles, slogans, and catchy phrases. We find these phrases through word associations—doing what I call a “creative sweep.” You just let your brain go in every possible direction and try to find something interesting. He came up with the title while searching for themes related to happiness, this moment where we really start living. He found a quote from Confucius that fit the book perfectly but was a little too long. Once I had the quote, the hard part was modifying and shortening it.
Camille is an utterly charming and relatable narrator. Is she inspired by anyone you know? How much do you have in common with her?
Camille was a spokeswoman for my ideas. It’s funny—I’m Camille, but I’m also Claude, and I switch between the two. Both characters helped me deliver the messages that I wanted to get across to my readers. I do have a lot in common with Camille, and so do other people I know. I’ve had periods in my life when I suffered from “routinitis”—when I felt like I needed to be living a deeper and fuller romantic and professional life. Many of us have a lot in common with Camille, myself especially, having a path that wasn’t totally straightforward. We have more than one life to live within the life we are given. It’s rare in this day and age to continue doing the same thing for your entire life. We have to ask ourselves questions when we have “Camille moments.” I’ve definitely felt the way she does in the book. I left a professional situation that wasn’t working for me. I reinvented my life. I started living the life that I wanted to live. I started writing books and, though it felt risky, I stuck with it, and it worked out.
Your Second Life Begins When You Realize You Only Have One Page 16