“A kiss? Really, Gia? We both know it was more than that.”
“No, it wasn’t,” I said, even though I knew I’d felt something more.
“Okay, I can see you don’t want to admit it now, even though you did last night, so I guess I’ll leave you alone.” He was disappointed.
“Thank you.” I turned to walk away again, but instead came face to face with Sean.
“Hey, Gia,” he said. He looked super sweet in his torn Levi’s and AC/DC t-shirt. His hair was mussed and he seemed very relaxed, unlike his professional look in the elevator.
“Sean! How’d you like the show?” I was relieved to see him. I hoped Zane would keep his word and back off.
“I thought it was kick-ass! What’d you think?” He was much different than he was at work.
“I loved it!”
“Can I get you a beer or something?” He was so young and sweet.
“Are you even old enough to drink beer?” I teased.
He smiled. “C’mon.” He grabbed my hand and led me through the crowd to the bar. I almost pulled my hand back, but I remembered my situation with Ethan and decided to go with it.
“What would you like?” he asked.
“Michelob Ultra,” I said so the bartender could hear me.
“Make that two,” he told her. She smiled and nodded. The beer was free back there, but Sean gave her a very generous tip. He wasn’t cocky about it or wanting me to notice, but I did. He seemed quite mature for his age, even though I didn’t know how old he was, but I doubted he was much over twenty-five. He took both of the bottles in one hand with the necks between his fingers, put his other hand on the small of my back, and led me to an open space beyond the crowd. He handed me a beer and held his up. “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” We clinked our bottles. I couldn’t figure him out.
“You’re a tough read,” I told him.
“As are you,” he said.
I was feeling a little weird. I had no idea what he was thinking. Usually, I could get a pretty reliable vibe from people, but he was giving me nothing. My natural instinct was to flirt with him, but I didn’t think that was a good idea. He was so young, and it was different here with him than it was in the elevator. In the elevator, he was working and our time was limited. I suddenly wanted to call Ethan. I had to know where we stood.
“I’m gonna use the restroom. I’ll be right back,” I told him.
“Okay. Do you want me to walk you over?”
“No, I’m fine, but thank you.” I smiled at him.
As soon as I got out of Sean’s sight, I called Ethan. Please answer!
“Hello?” Finally!
“Ethan, oh my god, thank you for answering!” My heart started to beat faster.
“I’m sorry, Gia, I can’t do this.” He sounded frazzled. I just had to know if he still loved me.
“Ethan—” I started, but he interrupted.
“Gia, I can’t!” He hung up!
I just stood there, staring at my phone. I couldn’t believe he’d talked to me like that and then hung up on me! My eyes filled with tears. I walked into the bathroom and locked myself into a stall. I leaned against the door and cried silently. It was over. Ethan didn’t want me anymore. It was my fault, too. I’d hurt him and he couldn’t trust me to keep my hands to myself. Hell, I couldn’t even trust me.
I had to find Jo and Dana so we could get out of there. I didn’t want to go back to Sean, but I knew he’d get worried and come looking for me. I decided to stay put and text Dana.
R u ready to go?
I waited. So many things were running through my mind. I’d spent the whole day knowing that Ethan would cool off and talk to me later, but that didn’t happen. He “can’t do this,” what does he mean? He can’t talk to me? He can’t continue a relationship with me? What is it that he can’t do? My phone beeped.
Jo & I r ok to stay, r u?
Shit, they’re having fun now. I really had to go. I wanted some time alone anyway, it was okay with me if they stayed. I called her.
“Hey, sweetie, where are you?” she asked.
“I’m over by the restrooms.” I didn’t want to tell her I was actually in a stall. “I want you two to stay if you want to. I’m exhausted, so I’m just gonna go to bed when I get back, anyway.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yes. I’m just worn out.”
I could hear her telling Jo that I was ready to go. They were debating about what they should do.
“Dana, I really don’t mind if you guys stay. You know me, I like my quiet time.” I tried to convince them to stay because I could tell they’d gotten their second wind and were having a good time.
“Okay, Gia, but take the car. Jo and I will either get a taxi or ride with these guys. Call me if you need something.”
I headed to the car. I’d almost made it when Sean caught up with me.
“Where’s the fire?” he asked.
“I’m sorry, Sean.”
“I was getting worried, and then I saw you heading out. What’s wrong, have you been crying, Gia?” He looked really concerned.
“I’m sorry, Sean,” I repeated. “I’m tired. I’m heading back to the hotel.”
“By yourself?”
I nodded.
“Did I say something?”
“No, of course not.”
“Gia, I’m not trying to hit on you. I just thought it would be fun to hang out and have a beer, as friends.” He was so sweet and innocent. It made me smile.
“I shouldn’t have ditched you, I’m sorry. I can see why you think you did something wrong. It’s not you, Sean. A phone call upset me, that’s all.”
“Oh, good. I mean, it’s not good that you’re upset, but good that it wasn’t something I did.” He smiled and shook his head. “Are you sure you want to leave?”
“Yes, I’m sure. Will I see you tomorrow at the hotel?”
“Will you ride the elevator sometime between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m.?”
“Yes,” I smiled.
“Then you’ll see me.” He reached over and opened the car door for me. The driver, who was standing there, gave him a dirty look. “Good night, Gia.”
“Good night, Sean.”
I leaned back and closed my eyes all the way to the hotel. I was relieved when we got there and I made my way up to the room quickly. When I got in, I leaned against the door and closed my eyes again. I wanted to talk to Ethan so bad. I knew he could get past what I did if he’d just listen to me. My eyes popped open. I’d send him an email! I kicked off my shoes and ran to my room. I changed into sweats and his t-shirt and hopped on my bed with my laptop.
I typed feverishly. I said exactly what I was feeling. Something surprising happened, though. My mood changed several times, as did my attitude toward him, but I went with it. I immediately pushed ‘Send.’ Holy shit! Who knew writing it all down would turn it all around? I had a smile on my face and I felt very liberated. I couldn’t believe I’d started the letter practically begging for his forgiveness, and then ended it by basically telling him off.
My heart was racing as I jumped up, grabbed a Marlboro and a diet A&W, and scrolled back up to read the letter in its entirety. As I read, I recalled how I was feeling when I wrote it. I started to feel it in paragraph three, but then went back to sucking up in paragraph four. By the end of paragraph four, however, it came back to me, and by the last paragraph I’d figured it out. Good for me! I leaned back against the pillows I had propped up against the headboard and I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face. I finished my smoke and wondered what Mr. Sensitive would think when he read it.
I went to the bathroom, scrubbed my face, and put my hair up. I hopped back on my bed and pulled up the website to the facility I was checking into on Monday. I was excited. I was gonna come out of there with a whole new outlook on life. I could feel it. The rush I felt from standing up for myself with Ethan was filling me with strength and courage
! I knew he’d read it and realize he’d overreacted.
My phone beeped. It was a text from Dana asking if I was okay. I told her I was great and they should stay as long as they wanted to. Then I heard a light knocking on the door. I hesitantly walked toward it. I looked out the peephole. It was Sean giving me a goofy face.
“Who is it?” I asked, smiling.
“You know who it is. You’ve already seen me through the peephole.” He chuckled.
“I saw someone,” I said. “But I don’t know if I should open my door to someone with crossed eyes and their tongue sticking out.”
“I have pizza and ice cream.”
I swung the door open. “Why didn’t you say so?” We laughed.
He held them up. “Girls in the movies always want Ben & Jerry’s when they’re upset.”
He was so sweet. “What about the pizza?” I asked.
“I was hungry, and I hate eating alone.”
I let him in and got him a soda. “I hope you’re planning on sharing that pizza with me.” I sat down on the floor in front of the coffee table where he’d set it.
He laughed. “You seem to be in a better mood. I’m glad. I was worried about you.”
“You’re sweet, thank you. Yes, I’m in a much better mood. It’s funny how you can think about something all day and never quite see the whole picture.” I took a big bite of pizza.
“Sometimes we only see what we want to see.” He took a big bite of his and it reminded me of watching Ethan eat pizza as we sat on his countertops.
“How old are you?” He seemed wise beyond his years.
“Why?” he asked.
“Just curious.” I shrugged my shoulders and took another big bite. “You don’t have to tell me, it doesn’t matter.”
“I’m twenty-nine. How old are you?” He was older than I’d thought. Of course, I’d never been good at guessing people’s ages.
“Why?” I raised my eyebrow and took another big bite. I was really hungry for some reason.
“I’m just wondering at what age your senses come back to life after sex.” I about choked on my pizza. He took another bite of his, trying to act serious, but I could tell he was amused with himself.
I recovered from what could’ve been an embarrassing situation, and took a drink. “Well, in my case, it took until I was forty. Why? Are you worried that your senses are, how should I say it, prematurely aging?”
He laughed. “Don’t worry, Gia. I know the Heimlich maneuver. Maybe you should take smaller bites. No, my senses are fine. It must be a woman thing, maybe pre-menopausal?” My mouth dropped open and I threw my crust at him. I loved that kid. He was funny, not to mention, brave.
“Well played. I guess I’ll need to watch my punches around you, you jab back!” I laughed and reached for the ice cream.
He reached into his back pocket, pulled out a plastic spoon in cellophane, and tossed it to me. “I knew we’d have fun hanging out,” he said. “You’re always so full of it on the elevator and I can’t jab back, so this is great.”
“I think I like you better when you have to keep your mouth shut. Where’s your spoon?”
He laughed. “I know you do, and that’s just playing dirty. I just brought the ice cream for you,” he said. “Of course, if I would’ve known you were going to eat half my pizza, I would’ve brought two spoons.”
I shook my head. “Just like a man, waving something you want right under your nose, just tempting you to take it, but when you do, he bitches about it. Here, I’ll share my spoon with you.”
He took the spoon and scooped up a bite. “Just like a woman, taking shit that doesn’t belong to her, like you owe her or something. Mmm, that’s good, no wonder all the broken hearted women eat it.”
“You watch a lot of romantic comedies, don’t you? Yes, this is good—it probably could heal a broken heart.” I picked it up and looked at the nutrition label.
“Yeah, I do. So what? I don’t think you want to read that.”
“Shit! Look at that.” I handed it to him. “Four servings, my ass. So, let’s hear it.”
“Those broken hearted women must really work out.” He set it back down between us. “Hear what?”
“The story about the woman or man who broke your heart so badly that you had to turn to sarcasm, spite, romantic comedies, and Ben & Jerry.”
“What do you mean, ‘or man’? Do you think I’m gay?”
“It doesn’t matter, I don’t judge. Just call the person who broke your heart ‘Pat’—that could be either or.” He threw his wadded up napkin at me and I fell against the floor laughing at his expression.
He just shook his head at me. “Her name was Gretchen,” he said. I could tell he was about to tell me what had happened, so I sat back up and gave him my full attention. He told me all about her, the way she looked, smelled, kissed, and loved. He made her sound perfect, because that’s exactly how he saw her. I could tell he loved her with his whole heart and it sounded like she felt the same for him. His eyes welled up with tears a couple of times as he told me how they’d met and the things they’d planned to do in the future. He’d proposed to her on Christmas morning, which was her favorite holiday, in front of the Christmas tree. They were late getting to dinner at her parents’ house that day because they made love right there in front of the tree for two hours after she’d said yes.
“My life was perfect,” Sean said. “Until New Year’s Eve. We had plans to go skiing in Colorado. Gretchen had to work in the morning, so we booked an afternoon flight. We’d be there by evening and planned to watch fireworks from the slopes at midnight.” He hesitated and my eyes filled with tears as I felt his world about to crumble. “Gretchen was on her way home from work. I’d just talked to her and she was giddy with excitement for the trip. While she was stopped at a light, she was hit from behind by a semi. The driver had apparently lost consciousness because of an unknown medical condition and Gretchen didn’t stand a chance. In an instant I lost my everything.”
“Oh my god, Sean—I’m so sorry.” I had tears running down my face as I reached across the table for his hand. He took it and gave me a little smile.
“Thanks, Gia. It’s been almost five years since I lost her. I’ll never be the same, but I think I may be getting close to being human again. I wasn’t a fun person to be around for about three years. I actually considered suicide on several occasions, but I’ve been through some pretty intense therapy, and here I am. Life is happening all around me, and I don’t want to miss any more of it.” He looked at me curiously. “Gia, are you okay?”
I was still crying, silently. I’d been holding my breath without realizing it. I grabbed a napkin and took a deep breath while I wiped my eyes. “I’m okay, just very moved by your story.” I could feel his pain as I’d listened to his story. It was similar to mine and hit close to home.
“No, I don’t buy it,” he said. “I watched your face go from sympathetic to shock to total meltdown. What’s your story?”
I took another deep breath. “I’ve had some loss also, and like you, it made me want to die.”
“Shit, Gia. Do you want to tell me about it?” He hadn’t expected that answer.
“Not really, but I’m starting a thirty day in-patient treatment program Monday morning. That’s actually the reason we’re in California.” I wasn’t as open with my past as he was. “Thank you for sharing your story with me. That takes a lot of courage, I know.”
He smiled. “I’m so glad to hear that you’re going to get some help. Thirty day in-patient? That’s pretty intense. Good for you. Can I give you some advice?” I nodded.
“Gia, don’t fight it while you’re there. Believe me, you’re going to want to. You’re going to want to tell them off every time they ask you how this or that made you feel. You’re going to want to quit and go home—don’t! In the end, when you start finding the answers, you’ll see yourself the way that your loved ones see you, and you won’t want to miss out on anymore of your life, either.�
�� He was so passionate about what he’d just said. It gave me goose bumps as I listened to him.
I nodded my head as I looked down at my hands. “Okay, I’ll keep that in mind.”
“No, Gia, do it! It saved my life, and it’ll save yours too, if you let it.” He grabbed my hand and squeezed it. “Look at me.” I looked at him. His face was full of hope and life. “Promise me you won’t give up; you won’t leave until you get it.”
It was hard not to want to be like him. “I promise.” It made him beam.
“C’mon. Grab a jacket and some shoes. I want to show you something.” He stood and started cleaning up our food. I looked at what I was wearing, which was basically my pajamas. “Don’t worry, we aren’t going far. Just grab a jacket and shoes, please.” He really wanted this.
“You’re kinda bossy,” I called back as I went after them.
***
“Hey, Sean.” the guy in the elevator said when the doors opened.
“Hey, Carl, take us all the way up,” Sean said.
“You got it,” Carl said. He nodded and smiled at me. He was a short, stocky, gray-haired older gentleman. He reminded me of Dana’s dad, who I thought was adorable.
“Feel free to hit on her,” Sean said. “She’s not my girlfriend. I’d never date someone who wore their pajamas out in public.” He was laughing and I punched him in the arm.
“You’re such a shit!” I told him.
“Don’t pay any attention to him,” Carl told me. “I think you look beautiful in your pajamas.”
“Thank you, Carl.” I stuck my tongue out at Sean. He stuck his out at me.
We stepped out into a dark hall, but Sean ran ahead and opened an outside door which let some light in. I walked toward him. He was very excited. I didn’t know what he was going to show me, but he was getting me fired up about it. I had to laugh. He reminded me of myself as I also had a hard time hiding my enthusiasm.
“C’mon, slowpoke!” he said.
“Is the roof going somewhere?”
I got to the door and he reached out and took my hand. I followed him around a corner and he looked back to watch the reaction on my face. I stopped in my tracks and I’m pretty sure my mouth dropped open. My eyes grew wide as I took it all in. There, before me, was the most unbelievable view I’d ever seen. Buildings of all sizes were staggered for miles. Beams of light shone straight up into the dark sky. Colored lights from different sky bars throughout the city flashed and changed with every beat the DJ played. It went on as far as I could see.
Total Control (Losing Control Series Book 3) Page 13