“Hotness?” My heart jumped at the sound of his voice. I’d been waiting so long.
“Hey, baby.” Tears ran down my cheeks.
“How are you? I miss you. God, Gia, I don’t even know where to start.” He’d been suffering, too. I could hear it in his voice.
“Ethan,” my voice cracked, “I’ve never needed to hear someone’s voice…” I was so emotional I couldn’t even get it out. I was overwhelmed with relief and complete adoration.
“Gia, I know. It’s okay.” He was emotional also, and it filled me even more. I thought I might explode. I tried to focus on breathing and getting control of myself.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “For everything, Ethan. I have to know if you still feel the same about me as you did at the airport.” I knew he loved me, but that wasn’t what I was worried about.
“You mean completely devoted to you? Wanting to be around you every second of every day to share the little moments, like dancing in the kitchen, making you coffee, and sharing cinnamon rolls, watching you sleep, washing your beautiful body in the shower, buying you flowers, and writing cheesy love notes, laughing, flirting, and watching the sun come up?”
“Yes, like that,” I whispered.
“Or did you mean the way I felt about the bigger stuff? Wanting to take care of you, share your hopes and dreams, feel your pain, kiss you while we make love, hold you while you sleep, take away your fear, love you unconditionally, and give my whole self to you?” Silent tears fell as I felt his complete devotion. I’d never doubt the way he felt about me again.
“Yes, that too,” I whispered.
“I feel it more than ever now. Gia, please understand why I felt I couldn’t continue a relationship with you after you told me about Zane. I can’t share you. When you said you’d ‘felt something,’ my heart broke. I couldn’t breathe. I’d give you up before I’d be okay with not having all of you. The thought of you giving your love to another man is more than I can bear.” His voice was strained. I couldn’t believe I’d done that to him.
“Ethan, I didn’t feel anything for him. Please believe that. What I felt was beautiful and desired. I’m so sorry. You’ve awakened me sexually, and for a moment, I wanted to experiment with that. I’ve never had the kind of physical contact you’ve introduced me to. My body was begging for more.” Trying to explain it was helping me understand it better.
“I figured out what you’d felt with him after I read your email. I got it, and I felt so much better, knowing you hadn’t fallen for the prick, but thank you for reassuring me. As far as the sexual awakening, I’d actually considered and worried about that when I took you home. I didn’t want to give you your freedom. That was why I was such a crazy man trying to set up the next date all the time. It was wrong of me, and I’m sorry.” That was why he was so insistent!
“It’s okay. You were right about it. I think I might be a nymphomaniac now.” I was serious.
He laughed so hard he actually went silent for a minute. “My sweet Gia,” he finally said. “You’re not a nymphomaniac.” He was still chuckling.
“How do you know?” I was embarrassed.
“I’m sorry,” he almost had control of himself. “You caught me off guard with that. I don’t believe that you’re a nympho. If you are, then I’ll take care of you, okay?” He was trying to make me feel better about it, but I could tell he was still smiling.
“Okay,” I said. “Am I good in bed?” While we were on the subject.
“Wow, Gia, what’s with all the surprises today?” I’d caught him off guard again. “Honestly, you’re the best I’ve ever had. You never cease to amaze me with your sexual appetite and willingness to please and be pleased. That’s the truth.” It sounded very truthful. I let out a sigh of relief.
“I’ve been fantasizing about you a lot,” I admitted.
“Really? I like that. Tell me about it.”
“Well, I’ve been working out like a maniac. To make the time go by faster, I put you into my routine. You watch me, jog with me, and then we make love or fuck hard while I lift weights, depending on my mood.” I couldn’t believe I’d just told him that. I giggled to myself.
“See what I mean? You never cease to amaze me, Hotness.” He was laughing. “So, how am I?”
“In my fantasy? Or in real life?” I giggled. “Well, the things you’ve made me feel have turned me into a nympho, remember?”
“Oh, yeah, I forgot. My little nympho.” I could tell he was smiling. “I love you, Gia,” he said out of the blue.
“I know. I can feel it.” I wanted to say it back, but I couldn’t.
“Good,” he said. And I hoped he could feel it too.
We talked for another hour about everything we’d been doing, thinking, and feeling. I told him how much the playlist he made meant to me. He loved the song I’d chosen for his message from Sean. I didn’t want it to end, but I had to shower for dinner. I promised to call and tell him goodnight.
When I got back to my room that night, there was a huge bouquet of flowers on my dresser with a note.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
My evening grew bright
After the phone call from you
“Thank you for the flowers and the cheesy love note,” I said when he answered.
“You’re welcome. How’d your night go?”
“Good. I’m exhausted, like I usually am at the end of the day.” I really was.
“How are you sleeping?”
“Like a log.”
“Nightmares?”
“No. Thank God.”
“Good. Get some rest and I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” he said.
“Sweet dreams, baby.”
“Sweet dreams, Hotness.”
I sent Sean a quick text telling him I’d talked to Ethan and I was doing fine. He said he was glad to hear it and hoped I’d call him soon. I promised I would. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I was out.
***
As soon as I looked at the chart, my heart sank. I was ovulating. Lex would insist on having sex tonight. I stared out the kitchen window, watching the golden leaves fall from the old oak tree. I was tired. My body was weak. I didn’t feel much anymore. Once in a while I’d chuckle about something, but mostly, I was just numb. I’d given up on pretty much everything. My marriage, my uterus, myself. I was just going through the motions, and even that was getting difficult. I drug myself to the couch and slouched down on it. I stared at the wall for at least an hour before I heard the front door open.
I listened as he put his stuff away. I prayed that he’d forget about the chart. Of course, he never would, it was the most important thing in his life. I wished I had something in my life that meant that much to me. I felt empty. For years I’d felt that hopefulness of getting pregnant, followed finally by the elation of knowing I was, and then the heartbreak of losing it. I’d been through it twice now. I’d had enough, I couldn’t do it anymore.
I jumped as I heard the familiar sound of a beer can opening. I heard Lex looking through the mail, complaining about the cost of cable TV. “Cancel the fucking thing, then,” I said to myself. I jumped again as I heard him holler.
“Woo hoo!” He was beside me on the couch then, with his hand between my legs. “Sex tonight! Time to make a baby!” He gave me a hard kiss on my cheek. I smelled the stench of his alcohol breath, which had become all too familiar that past year. He groped my crotch and looked at my face with a puzzled expression. “What’s wrong with you? It’s like you don’t even want a baby or have sex anymore!” His eyes were wild. I felt very small.
“I don’t,” I barely whispered. I kept staring at the wall, expressionless.
“Well, I do! This is what we want. This is our dream, to have a family, remember?” He was pissed off. I didn’t care anymore. We’d been through it dozens of times, and he wasn’t about to give up. “I’m your husband. You’ve made me promises, in front of God and our families and friends. Now you want to deny me my
happiness and rip apart my dreams? Is that what you want, Gia?” I’d heard it before. It was less dramatic now, but it still made me guilty.
“No.” I blinked, but kept my eyes on the wall.
“Go take a shower, you’ll feel better, and shave, too. I’ll take care of dinner, since you obviously haven’t done anything today. We’ll have a fun night, you’ll see.” He kissed me, his breath reeking, and patted me on the leg, like a child.
I got up and did as I’d been told. We had dinner by candlelight and I downed a bottle of wine to get through what I knew was coming. I was robotic as I undressed and got under the sheet. I felt nothing, absolutely nothing. I stared at the ceiling as I waited for my husband to join me. I heard him lock the doors and turn off the porn he’d been watching on TV. I used to watch with him, I fantasized about giving head and trying new positions, but then when we came to bed, it was the same old thing. He said I was his wife, the mother of his future children, and that kind of stuff was what men did with whores. He did, however, want me, his wife and future mother to his children, to ask him, tell him, and beg him to fuck me. It turned him on. It turned me on too, at first, but when I realized it didn’t change anything for me, it grew old.
He pulled the sheet off me. I lay still. “You’re getting too skinny, Gia. You need to start taking better care of yourself. When you get pregnant this time, you’d better get your diet healthy, like we talked about.” I took a deep breath and nodded. Little did he know, I wasn’t going to get pregnant. I’d already taken care of that. It brought me a tiny glimmer of hope.
He stood beside the bed, above me. He ran his hand up my leg. I could tell he was pleased that I’d shaved like he wanted. He touched my breasts, softly, which surprised me. He pinched my nipples, but not too hard. I felt something, something good. I slowly turned my face to look at his. I found his eyes, and they were soft, like they used to be. My heart skipped a beat and I felt my body begin to relax.
“Tell me,” he said. My body tensed immediately and my face jerked back to the ceiling.
“Fuck me, Lex,” I told him.
He crawled on top of me. “What do you want?”
“I want you to fuck me.” It sounded like a recording, not a real voice.
I didn’t want to look, but I had to see his eyes. I quickly glanced, and as I caught them, I saw the hatred. He slammed into me, forcing me to gasp. I was numb again. I felt nothing as my husband fucked me, in hopes of fulfilling his dream of having a family.
***
I gasped and shot straight up in bed. I was trying to catch my breath. I was crying uncontrollably. What the fuck was that? Where did it come from? It was a horrible nightmare. Only, it wasn’t. Oh my god! I jumped out of bed and ran down the hall to Laura’s office. I had only my panties and Ethan’s shirt on and I was screaming and crying, banging on Laura’s door. I knew she wasn’t there in the middle of the night, but since nothing else seemed to make sense, why would that?
The girls came out of their rooms, concerned about the violent horror that awoke them. I was thrashing about, crying, kicking, and pounding on the door, screaming her name. A couple of the girls tried to get close to me, to console me, but I was wild with anger and confusion. I kicked and screamed at them to get the fuck away from me. My head was spinning. I thought I might be crazy. I didn’t know the lies from reality, love from hate, or living from dying. I grew exhausted and was soon so weak I could no longer fight. I slid down the door into a heap. I was in the fetal position when the men in the blue uniforms picked me up and carried me to a padded room.
I stared at the wall until Laura came rushing in about a half hour later. She demanded they take the white jacket off me and get us some chairs immediately. She sat across from me and started her tape recorder.
“Gia, what happened tonight?”
“He was my husband.” I was still staring at the same spot on the wall.
“Who?” Laura asked.
“I was his wife,” I whispered.
“Are you talking about Lex, Gia?” Her voice was soft.
I nodded. “He was a stranger.”
“What was the stranger doing?”
“Fucking me.” I gasped.
“Where, Gia?”
“In my bed.” Tears began to fall.
“Who was in your bed?”
“My husband.” My face finally fell from the spot on the wall and into my hands.
“Gia, what happened tonight?”
“I remembered.” I sobbed.
“What did you remember?”
“When I died.”
“You’re alive now.”
My face shot up and I glared at her. “Am I?” I screamed.
“Yes, Gia, you are,” she said calmly.
I tried to take a deep breath, but I was jerking from the crying. I tried to calm myself, but every time I let it enter my mind, I started to cry again. Laura was being very patient with me, handing me Kleenex and getting me a drink of water. I finally got it together enough to tell her.
“I had a nightmare.”
“Nightmares can be very disturbing,” she said.
“Only, it really happened.” I choked up a little, but regained control.
“That’s what we call a repressed memory, Gia. Why don’t you tell me about it?”
I looked down at my hands. I didn’t know if I could get through it. My head was pounding from all the crying, and I felt weak. While I watched my hands fidgeting, something on the front of me caught my attention. I took my chin to my chest and looked at the front of my shirt, Ethan’s shirt. I closed my eyes and took a big whiff.
“I noticed on the chart we kept that I was ovulating…” I told Laura the entire dream. I didn’t leave anything out, not the way I was feeling or what I was thinking. I was proud of myself. I cried, at times, but I got through it.
“Did you get pregnant that night, Gia?” Laura asked when I’d finished.
“No.” I shook my head and found the spot on the wall again.
“Why?”
“I took a morning after pill.”
“Where did you get it?”
“I’d bought it over the counter about a week before.”
“Why?”
“I couldn’t go through it again.”
“You’ve had a breakthrough tonight, Gia. You’ve been very brave and I’m very proud of you.” She smiled at me and it made me take a deep breath and smile. “I want you to get some sleep, and I want to try something new with you tomorrow. I’m sorry, Gia, but I’m going to have to take your phone and internet away for a little while longer.”
My heart dropped. “What? No. Why?”
“Gia, this is very important to your treatment. I know you wouldn’t want anything to interfere with your progress and lengthen your stay, right?”
“I have a very important visitor traveling a long distance to see me on Sunday.” I was crying again. She had to understand.
“Gia, let’s work really hard tomorrow and see where we’re at, okay?”
“Okay.” I nodded, knowing I really did need to do that.
“Gia, you’ve also been moved to a new room, just until we get through this.”
“What? Why?” I was shocked, it was like I was being punished.
“You’re on suicide watch,” she said carefully.
“Oh my god! You’re kidding me!” I was freaking out. I was being punished!
“Gia, it’s standard procedure. There’s nothing we can do about it. Hopefully, it will only be for a couple of days.”
No! I’m not doing it! I’ll walk out of here. I’ll call Sean and have him come get me. I wondered what he’d think of this ridiculousness! Then I heard him telling me, “Don’t quit, Gia. There will be times you’ll want to, but don’t do it.” Damn it!
***
My new room had nothing! I felt like a prisoner in a cell with a metal toilet. Fuck you, Lex! You did this to me, and I don’t forgive you! I was pissed, but I was exhausted too, and I passed out.<
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Chapter 20
Ethan
When I got off the phone with Gia, I felt like a new man. It was everything I needed to hear, and more. I chuckled to myself as I remembered her saying, “I think I might be a nymphomaniac now.” She was too sweet. I’d wanted to send her flowers, and now that she could have outside contact, I called and had them sent, with a cheesy little note.
I was already packed for my weekend trip to see her. I couldn’t wait. I’d booked a Friday night flight from the city, and I was returning on the red-eye Sunday night. I walked over to Trey’s to make sure he was all set to work this weekend. While he and I were talking, Dana pulled up like a bat outta hell. She jumped out of her car and slammed the door.
“You’re not going to believe this!” She was shaking a piece of paper. “That bitch went through with it! Gia’s got thirty days to get out of her apartment, and they’ve replaced her at the firm!”
My mind started racing. “Fuck!” I grabbed the paper and scanned it quickly. I was seeing red. I couldn’t believe Bridget held that kind of control over her husband. What had she told him?
“But get this,” Dana started. “She’s not going to press charges against me or take any legal action against The Lock for the assault and battery she suffered while she was here.”
“For fuck’s sake!” Trey said. “Is this what women turn into after they sleep with you, man?”
“It’s not funny, Trey!” Dana started to cry.
Trey hugged her. “I know it’s not funny, but we’ll all help Gia when she gets back, and it’ll all work out. I’m sure of it. There’s nothing we can do about it.” He kissed the top of her head. She nodded.
“Trey’s right. Gia wasn’t too keen on seeing Bridget anymore, anyway. I think she’ll mainly be hurt by Mr. Evans. Losing the job is going to be tough.” I was sick that this was my fault. I wished I could go back and…no, there was nothing I could’ve done differently. We’ll deal with it. “Dana, when I get back from California, let’s get together and look at some apartments. We could have some set up for her to look at when she gets back.”
Total Control (Losing Control Series Book 3) Page 20