That just made my skin crawl, the thought of the frail Mr. Wilson and Eleanor together brought back some unsettling memories.
I whirled away and tried my best to avoid Andrew, but I caught sight of him approaching from the corner of my eye. I started picking up zucchini and gave them a careful inspection. I had to do something, anything to not look into his sexy bedroom eyes. It’s bad enough I could smell his cologne that about brought me to my knees. I just love a good-smelling man. It’s one of my weaknesses right up there with chocolate fudge sundae with toasted coconut.
“Remind you of anything, Aggie?” Andrew taunted me from behind.
I whirled with zucchini in hand and with a straight face, “It sure does.” I smiled smugly. “I can make this into a killer zucchini bread.”
He laughed at that. “That’s what I was thinking too.” He cleared his throat. “I’d love to come over sometime for a piece.”
Just then his phone rang and he stepped away, turning his still gorgeous rear end toward me.
“That’s a mighty fine ass if I ever saw one,” the woman behind the table said.
“He works out I think,” I muttered.
“He can work out on me anytime.”
I eyed the woman who was in her fifties. She wore a wicked grin and midriff tee with skimpy shorts.
“I don’t think he’s available.”
“That don’t bother me none.” She winked.
“Your husband behind you might.” I snickered as the tall, much older man began to holler at her. Not that I thought a marital argument was funny mind you, but she was talking about my Andrew here. Oh my, I really need to quit thinking like that. It just burned my bum that he was obviously unavailable, but continued to toss me signals. You just can’t go around winking and such if you’re dating someone else or least not in my book.
I made my way toward Eleanor who was examining tomatoes like a CSI. “Do you want me to get your magnifying glass dear?”
“You have to be careful these days, who know what kind of varmints might be hiding on these vegetables.”
I raised a brow. “Really? Insects perhaps?”
She giggled. “Oh, Aggie, you don’t want me having an infestation like last year do you?”
“It seems like you are already infested with enough varmints already.”
Hands went to her hips. “I think not!”
Referring to her squirrel, “What about Rattail?”
“That’s not very nice, Aggie, I just had my hair done yesterday.”
I gave her a dead stare. “I know, I wished I could delete the images from my memory banks.” Thinking about the chin wax El had yesterday. “You might need to get your hearing tested, dear.”
“It’s not that, it’s just that the doctor has me on some new meds and they aren’t quite agreeing with me.” She broke wind just then almost as emphasis.
I waved a hand, clearing the air. “I see, too much flatulence then?”
“Yes, and I keep seeing,” she glanced over her shoulder to see if anyone is eavesdropping, “well, bugs.”
“What in tarnation does the doc have you on?” I gasped. “I have heard of hospice patients seeing things like that, but they are just…” I did my own look around and whispered in El’s ear, “over-medicated.”
“With good reason.”
“I know, but I just wonder who all those drugs are for, the patient or the doctor. It just broke my heart last week to visit Maxine at the County Medical Facility and see her all hopped up on drugs like that.”
“Aggie, you know the old dear has dementia. She had the whole place searching for her missing pearl earrings, the ones she was wearing!”
I shook my head, “Poor dear, what is the name of the med you’re taking, El?”
Eleanor rifled through her purse and set her pink pistol on the table next to the vegetables, and pulled the medicine bottle out.
The woman behind the counter raised her hands high in the air and screamed. “It’s a robbery.”
Seniors hobbled away with their walkers, purses clutched to breasts and the men held their frail hands against the pocket that contained their wallets, while the younger folks took off like a shot in the air.
“It’s not a robbery,” I said. “See the gun isn’t even loaded.” So just to prove my point I pulled the trigger. An explosion split the air and seniors toppled to ground, hands pressed against their chests.
“That’s just great, Aggie,” El said as she took the gun from me and shoved it in her purse. “You just committed a mass murder.”
My mouth agape. “I did what?” I jerked to face the seniors sprawled out on the ground.
“Yup, it’s a mass heart attack.”
“That’s not funny, El! We need to call 911 or something.”
“I already did,” a soft voice behind the table said.
“You can stand up everyone, nothing to worry about here, j-just a little accident.” I whispered to El. “I thought you said the gun wasn’t loaded.”
“It wasn’t, but after the bank robbery I thought it best to load it. Who knows what else might happen.”
“Good point, but this is hardly the place to be taking your gun out.”
The sirens that roared close by told me that we were once again in a heap of shit. Trooper’s swarmed the Farmer’s Market as Sheriff Peterson advanced toward the two of us.
“It’s okay, folks. The state of Michigan armed the two of them, complain to them.” He wiped at his nose. He then picked up a tomato and took a bite. “Quite ripe and juicy.” And with tomato juice dripping from his chin to his uniform he winked.
Eleanor shuddered, which sent vapor waves of cheap perfume to waft in the air.
“That is the worst smelling perfume yet, El! Where in the heck did you get that?”
Without batting an eyelash, “Walmart, it was on sale.”
“It should have been a throw away.” I grimaced. “Oh, I feel sick in my stomach now.”
Trooper Sales approached. “What happened?” He eyed the woman behind the table who opened her mouth until Sales hushed her with a finger motion.
“El was just looking in her purse and set it on the counter.” I shrugged. “Then that woman there started yelling ‘It’s a robbery’.”
“It was all very innocent,” El added. “Aggie thought the gun wasn’t loaded and cracked off a shot.”
“It was all El’s fault. She promised to keep it unloaded.”
“Agnes Barton, that is a complete fabrication of the truth.”
I turned on her. “You know dang well you shouldn’t be carrying around a loaded gun.”
“We’re private investigators and we need one,” El huffed.
“And what for?” Peterson said. “You plan to start a crime spree?”
I stepped forward, “You planning to solve the murders in town?”
“They weren’t murders, they were accidents!” he bellowed.
My head neared his until we were practically eyeball-to-eyeball. “That’s a heap of dung and you know it.”
“We are still investigating!” He bellowed, his face turning near purple. “If you’re gonna play superheroes, you might want to consider Batman. He doesn’t carry a gun.”
“Batman wouldn’t last a day in this town,” El said.
“Make up your mind, were they murdered or did they die accidentally!”
“Are you okay, Peterson? You don’t look so good,” El cut in.
Peterson’s entire face was near blue now, his breath coming in short pants as he fell to the ground.
El wrung her hands. “Oh, Aggie, you done killed the man. We’re going up the river for killing the sheriff!” she screamed.
“Oh damn!” I knelt and started unbuttoning Peterson’s shirt exposing his white tee underneath. “Somebody call an ambulance, this man needs CPR.” I made a quick assessment and motioned Eleanor into position. She gave Peterson thirty compressions, and then it was my turn. I puckered my lips, almost gagging as my lips met
Peterson’s, as I gave him two breaths. It was then that I remembered he had eaten a tomato! His face was still layered with tomato juice and it was gross. When I lifted my head up and Eleanor commenced with compressions, Peterson’s eye lids snapped open and he began to scream. “Get these old bats off me! Help! Somebody please!”
El and I jumped back to our feet and it was then that I could contain the bile no longer and hurled at El’s feet. I swiped at my mouth, but it was too late! When I looked down at my arms the splotching had already begun.
Sales helped Peterson up and into a chair. “These two old bats, as you call them, saved your life.”
He shook his head violently like the mere thought was too much for him.
El looked at me oddly. “What’s wrong with your face, Aggie? It’s swelling up like a big fat balloon.”
I nodded and managed to squeak out. “He had tomato juice on his lips.”
El ran around in tiny circles. “Somebody call an ambulance quick! She’s allergic to tomatoes.”
I would have told El how ridiculous she looked, but everything went black.
I heard the sirens in the distance and my body was moving like I was in a boat, which made my stomach ache even more. I just couldn’t open my eyes no matter how hard I tried and managed only to concentrate on my breathing least I die right here and now.
Chapter Eighteen
I lazily opened my eyes with El’s face near mine, large fake eyelashes framing her blue eyes. “Oh, Aggie’s awake!” She jumped up. “Look everyone, she finally opened her eyes.”
“Everyone,” I mouthed. I turned my head to see a teary eyed Sophia with Trooper Sales huddled together. Andrew came into the room, took my hand in his, and kissed the back of it while Martha lingered in the distance. She had an expressionless look on her face. I’m not sure if she felt out of place or just wished she were elsewhere. I felt the vast distance between us and it was unsettling. How could my own daughter not be able to stand in the same room with me ailing as I am and not at least try to comfort me?
“Are you having a party here or what?” I asked. I eyed the bright sunlight coming through my hospital window that clearly revealed a less than customary decor. Why, the wallpaper border had fish on it while the window covering had God awful green stripes.
I tried my best to soften my features; Lord only knows what kind of expression I had plastered on it. “What? Mum’s the word? I have six months to live?”
“That’s not funny,” El scolded me with a wag of her finger. “Six minutes.” She then belly-laughed and I knew I was going to be okay.
“You’re a horrible liar, El.”
“And you are just too much. How am I gonna solve this case without you?”
“You mean there still is one.”
“Well, yes. Two people fell from the third floor at the Butler Mansion or did you forget.” She bit her finger. “I hope Dementia hasn’t set in.”
“Me too because I’m planning to be a handful.”
“I wouldn’t mind that,” Andrew smiled. “I’m sort of used to it.”
I sat up with the help of El, and Martha helped me to the bathroom, stepping up at last. “Is your brother, Stuart, here Martha?”
She frowned. “I tried calling, but I couldn’t reach him.”
“What is it about my children and them not wanting to let me know where they are?”
Martha stared at the wall and then met my eyes. “He works for the government the last I heard.”
“Oh, my. Why didn’t he tell me?”
“I’m sure he didn’t want to worry you, Mom. He’ll show up when he’s ready.”
“I sure hope it’s before my funeral.”
When I had returned the doctor poked his head in the room. His blond hair framed his handsome face and was a welcomed site. “Aggie, it’s good to have you back.”
“How long was I gone this time?”
“It’s been a few grueling days,” Andrew said. “I-I.” He broke eye contact like he wanted to say more.
“I’m sorry to be such a bother,” I said. “But I really need to get home before my cat goes psycho.”
“She already is that.” Andrew showed me his clawed up arm.
“Poor dear was probably scared of you.”
“She has been chasing Hellhounds all day I’m afraid,” Martha added. “It seems Leotyne moved on the opposite side of the campground to get away from you.”
“Me, what did I do?”
Eleanor scolded me. “You did set fire to her camper, dear.”
“Not on purpose!”
“Still, all she did was put a thorn in your side so why are you so upset?”
“I’m not, it just that I wanted to be the one that got her expelled from the campground.” I huffed. “And now you’re saying she’s still there.”
El laughed. “The campground is big enough for the two of you, just don’t go past her site.”
“Any more ghost ship sightings?”
“No,” El said, disappointed. “But I heard a few folks reported seeing a ghost at Robinson’s Manor.”
“Now that one I believe since an entire family was murdered there.” I shuddered.
“I hope it doesn’t hinder their party,” El said with a pout.
“Party?”
“Yes,” El gushed. “They are doing a charity fundraiser.”
“It’s a real life Clue Game dinner party,” Martha said. “I want to be Miss Scarlet.”
“Aw, I wanna be her,” Eleanor pouted.
Martha looked down her nose at El. “You’re too old to be her, maybe Mrs. White.”
Eleanor squared her shoulders. “Who you calling old, Marta!”
“Martha,” she corrected her.
“How would I know what your name is? Aggie never says a word about you. For all we know you’re not even her.”
“Eleanor, stop this now. Martha is every bit my daughter.”
“Never speak about me huh?” She made her way toward the door. “I know when I’m not welcome.” She opened the door and slipped outside.
“Eleanor Mason, what has gotten into you?”
She wrung her hands together, swaying her body like she was ashamed, but I wasn’t buying it a bit. “W-Well s-she started it! I’m not a day over forty.”
“Are you talking dog years here, El, because I have known you long enough to know that you’re eighty-two.”
El’s arms folded across her chest and a full on pout lip came out.
I massaged my brow. “Please stop, I’m not feeling well, El. I just woke up from a coma, or did you forget.”
“Coma? Seriously, Aggie. I believe you have to be out a whole lot longer than a few days for it to be classified as a coma. Although I heard the brain scans didn’t turn up anything.”
I narrowed my eyes to slits. “Meaning what?”
“Oh nothing, just that your brain is missing.” She clapped her hands smartly. “I think that should be our next case.” She pulled up the blankets and looked under the bed. “Nope, it’s not under the bed.” She tiptoed to the curtains, snatching them back and shook her head. “Not behind the curtains either. I think we have us a caper on our hands.”
I smiled behind my hands, not wanting to encourage her.
“I’ll check back with you tomorrow,” Dr. Thomas said shaking his head, but hightailing it before I started to whining which I did just as soon as he left. “I can’t wait until tomorrow.”
“Don’t even think about asking me to help you this time around,” Andrew said. “You need to rest.”
“You need to go back to your girlfriend or whoever she is.”
With a raised brown, “Are we back to that again?” He shook his head as he made for the door. “Did it ever occur to you that you have it all wrong?”
Before I could say another word, he disappeared.
El discreetly shuffled toward the door.
“Where are you going in such a hurry?”
“He’s kinda my ride home, and I
was promised dinner. If that woman shows up I’ll figure out a way to find out who she is.”
Again I opened my mouth and again another person disappeared before I had a chance to protest. Not much else to do but go back to a restless sleep.
Chapter Nineteen
Just like clockwork, I was sprung from the hospital two days later and Sophia took me home.
“So what’s new?” I eyed her intently.
Sophia brushed a strand of hair off her arm as she walked me into my camper. When I glanced around — my beautiful trailer was in complete disarray. Drawers had been thrown open, the contents cast across the floor.
“Oh my,” I sunk to a misaligned coach cushion. “Did Martha do this?”
“I’m sure she didn’t, Gramms. I-It had to be somebody else” Sophia focused on the mess.
I shifted my eyes to the right. “Are you sure? I mean what do we know about Martha for sure? We haven’t seen her in years.”
Just then Martha walked in and gasped. “What in the hell happened in here?” She trembled, her face devoid of color.
“I’m not sure. Do you know what happened here?” I asked.
“N-No, but—” She chewed a fingernail. “I-I have s-something to tell you.”
Oh here it comes. I tried to prepare myself.
“I had this dude I was trying to get away from, you see. I had thought I gave him the slip, but now I’m not so sure.”
“Dude? Does he have a name?”
“Yes, it’s Ernie Lockheart. He’s sort of a petty criminal.”
I tried to get up, but Sophia stayed me while she called the police.
“How petty are we talking here?”
“Robberies mostly,” She glanced away. “And an occasional bank job.”
“He robs banks!” I gasped. “Did he rob the bank in East Tawas?”
“There was a bank robbery in East Tawas?”
“Yes, not long before you showed up in town.” I sighed. “Spare me the description though. I doubt that I could even pick him out of a police lineup.”
“Why is that, Gramms?”
“Funny thing about when someone puts a gun in your face you aren’t thinking what the perp looks like, you just want to get the hell out of there. Then there was quite the storm that passed us by, and we were holed up in the safe.”
Madison Johns - Agnes Barton 02 - Grannies, Guns and Ghosts Page 12