by Rye Hart
Despite how excited I was to spend Christmas with my little niece, I didn’t know how well I’d be able to hold myself together. Michael stayed in the back of my mind throughout the entire day.
We ate lunch together as a family, laughing and catching up on life. Bryan wasn’t there yet, though he would be arriving later that night. He and Bethany agreed to spend Christmas with our parents this year because his parents lived out of town. Everything was nice. Normal. Calm. I tried to feel comfortable, but I couldn’t stop my emotions from creeping up on me.
While my mom cleared all the dishes, I just sat at the table and stared down at my hands. Bethany was watching me from the living room. She had Layla on her chest, rocking her slowly to sleep, but her eyes never left my face. I could feel her gaze the entire time.
Finally, I couldn’t take it any longer. I pushed away from the table, mumbled some excuse about being tired, and ran upstairs. I felt like a teenager again as I pulled my door closed behind me and fell onto my old bed. My head hit the pillow, and immediately, fresh tears sprung into my eyes.
I was getting impatient with myself. All this crying was pathetic. Not only was Michael not worth it, but I refused to be the kind of girl who fell apart every time a relationship didn’t work out.
Angrily, I shoved myself up off the bed and began to pace around the room. My head was spinning with thoughts of Michael, and my heart ached from missing him so much. But I refused to let the tears fall. I walked circles around my childhood bedroom until I was certain I could keep my emotions at bay.
Just when I thought I was ready to head back downstairs, the door slowly crept open and Bethany stepped inside. She smiled at me knowingly and sat down on the edge of my bed.
“Talk to me,” she said simply.
I sighed and sat down beside her. She waited patiently until I was ready to unload everything. When I first saw my sister outside, I didn’t want to tell her anything. I just wanted to keep the whole situation a secret. I wanted to bottle everything up and pretend like it didn’t exist until after Christmas. But now that we were alone, I couldn’t stop myself from spewing the entire story.
“Michael is Joshua’s brother,” I said bluntly.
Much like Andrea, Bethany assumed I was kidding. She was shocked. As I told her the rest of the story, she just shook her head from side to side in disbelief. It wasn’t until I was completely done talking that she finally found her voice.
“Well, damn,” Bethany said. “No wonder you look like hell.”
“Thanks,” I snapped.
“Hey,” Bethany said. “Don’t expect me to start lying to you now.”
“I know.” I groaned. “I feel like shit, Beth. I barely slept last night.”
“I can imagine,” Bethany said.
“Michael showed up at my place last night,” I said softly. “He just showed up with what I assume was my Christmas gift. He didn’t even know something was wrong until I told him about dinner with Joshua.”
“How did that end?” Bethany asked.
“With us both yelling,” I said. “Then, I kicked him out and spent the rest of the night drinking with Andrea.”
“Sounds healthy,” Bethany said with a laugh.
I laughed with her, feeling relief flood my body. I hadn’t laughed much lately. It felt amazing to let myself feel something other than confusion and pain.
“I’m sorry,” Bethany said. “You don’t deserve this. Any of it.”
“I just thought we had something real,” I said softly. “Michael and me, I mean. We connected so quickly, you know? It almost felt like…”
“Fate?” Bethany finished for me.
“As pathetic as that sounds,” I said. “Yes, it felt like fate.”
Bethany shrugged. “Well, maybe it was.”
“How?” I asked. “How could it be? After what he did?”
“He lied,” Bethany said with a nod. “But is that really the worst thing you can imagine?”
“It’s not the best,” I said darkly.
“Of course not,” Bethany said. “I’m just saying, Michael isn’t the devil, Julie. He lied because he didn’t know what else to do. He obviously cares about you.”
“I just feel like our entire relationship was built on a lie,” I said. “Like none of it was real.”
“Do you really believe that?” Bethany asked.
I hesitated. My immediate answer was ready and waiting on my lips, but it didn’t feel true. When I thought about all the time I’d spent with Michael, a warm feeling spread throughout my entire body. I could remember the way I felt the first time I saw him, how his dark blue eyes had drawn me in instantly. Our first kiss came flooding back to me, and my stomach clenched with desire at the mere memory.
More still, when I remembered the way Michael looked at me as we stood in front of that huge Christmas tree in the middle of the town square, I knew his feelings were real.
“I don’t know anymore,” I said, defeated.
“Just think about it,” Bethany said gently. “You want to be with him, Jules. It’s written all over your face.”
“Of course, I do,” I admitted. “But what does that matter now? It’s not like we can just snap our fingers and fix everything. It doesn’t work that way.”
“Doesn’t it?” Bethany smiled.
“Beth.”
“It’s a phone call, Julie,” Bethany said. “One phone call. You call him, you talk, and you go from there.”
“What if it doesn’t change anything? What if he tells me it was a setup for whatever fucked up reason he might have?” I asked her.
“I don’t think that’s it, Jules,” Bethany said confidently.
“What makes you say that?”
She shrugged. “Gut feeling.”
“Girls!” our mom’s voice called from downstairs. “Layla’s up from her nap!”
“Oh, crap.” Bethany groaned. “Already?”
“We should get down there anyway,” I said. “Mom wanted to bake cookies tonight.”
Bethany linked her arm with mine and led me out into the hall. We bounced our way downstairs just like we did as kids. After one conversation with my sister, I no longer felt like my world was crumbling around me. I felt stronger. More confident.
Still, I didn’t know what to do. My confusion was stronger than ever as I stepped into the kitchen. Mom had all the stuff ready to make cookies. We got to work while Andrea changed Layla and then brought her over to help us.
The four of us girls spent the rest of the evening baking and decorating cookies. We crowded around the kitchen table with icing and sprinkles scattered everywhere. Christmas music played in the background and, just like that, I was a kid again.
We all laughed and teased each other while we worked on the cookies. Layla giggled every time she snuck a bite of icing. Even my dad made his way over to help. It was amazing to just be in the moment with my family and let my problems disappear.
When I went to bed that night, I didn’t feel like crying. Michael’s face appeared in my mind, and I smiled to myself, remembering everything we’d done together. I replayed our conversations over and over again in my head. I could almost hear his voice. When I drifted off to sleep, my memories turned into dreams. I awoke the next morning flushed with desire and smiling.
It wasn’t until I realized I was only dreaming that the smile fell from my lips. I felt Michael’s absence stronger than ever, and I wondered if Bethany was right and I should call him.
CHAPTER 26
MICHAEL
Christmas Eve arrived, but I wasn’t yet ready to face my parents. They both knew about my breakup with Julie. If I went to their house, they would spend the entire day grilling me about what happened. Despite how much I wanted to see them for the holiday, I didn’t think I’d be able to handle getting the third degree. Not yet anyway.
Instead, I went for a quick jog around my property and then jumped in the shower. I still hadn’t heard from Julie, but I wasn’t going to give up
on her. After she kicked me out of her house, I knew we both needed space to cool down. Tensions were high. Tempers were even higher. I wanted to make sure we were both calm the next time we spoke. Arguing would solve nothing.
It had been a couple of days, though, and, since it was Christmas Eve, I decided to try. I got dressed and grabbed Julie’s gift off my coffee table. I tucked it under my arm and walked out to my car. The air was cold, and it helped embolden me as I climbed behind the wheel. No matter what Julie said or did, I wanted to try. She was too important. I couldn’t just let her go without a fight.
When I pulled up in front of her house, all the lights were off, and her car was gone. The driveway was empty, but I got out anyway. With the crystal Christmas tree in my hands, I hurried toward the front door and knocked quickly. I stood back and waited, but after five minutes, I knew she wasn’t home.
“She went to her parents’ place,” someone called out from my left. I whipped my head around to see the same neighbor from Friday night. She was staring at me suspiciously. “She won’t be back for a few days.”
“Thank you,” I said with a nod.
“Shouldn’t you be with your family, young man?” the woman asked.
I ignored her and walked quickly back to my car. If Julie wasn’t home, then I wasn’t going to lurk outside of her house, and I definitely wasn’t going to engage in a conversation with her nosey neighbor.
I drove back to my house in a fog. On the way there, I thought about driving up to Dallas. I imagined how surprised she would be to see me there, but when I thought more about it, I knew it would be a mistake. She was enjoying the holiday with her family. The last thing I wanted to do was take that away from her.
Instead, I went back home to my empty house. When I stepped inside, I could practically hear my breath echo through the place. I’d never felt more alone in my life. With a sigh, I went into the living room and grabbed a book off the coffee table. If nothing else, I could spend the day relaxing.
My phone rang before I had a chance to read more than a page. I saw Josh’s name flash across the screen. I thought about ignoring it, letting it go to voicemail. I was still angry with my brother for everything he’d said to Julie. But it was Christmas Eve. And he was still my brother.
“Hey,” I said, pressing the phone to my ear. “Merry Christmas.”
“You too,” Josh said. His voice was guarded.
“What’s up?” I asked.
“I want to see you,” Josh said simply. “It’s Christmas Eve. Plus, I really think we should talk.”
“Yeah…” I trailed off. I knew Josh meant well, but the idea of seeing him made my stomach churn. I didn’t know if I was ready for that.
“Are you with your parents today?” Josh asked. “Because we can always meet up tomorrow or—”
“No,” I said quickly. “I’m not with my parents. I’m home.”
“Great,” Josh said. “Then, can I come by?”
“Sure.” I sighed. “Yeah, that’s fine.”
“Okay,” Josh said. “Well, I’ll see you in like an hour.”
“Great.”
We hung up, and I tossed my phone on the couch beside me. Dread filled my chest, but I tried to push it away. I needed to confront him about what had gone down with Julie. Did he really still love her, or was he just pissed that she was with me? Why had he told her that I knew who she was? What was the point of all of that? I was still incredibly pissed.
Deep down, I knew Josh and I needed to work things out. We couldn’t hate each other forever. Not after missing so much of each other’s lives. Still, when I thought about the things he said to Julie, my face flushed with rage.
I paced around the house for the better part of an hour. If I kept moving, I could keep my anger at bay. Josh would be there soon, and when he arrived, I didn’t want to start a fight. We both deserved a chance to have a nice Christmas Eve. If we could do that together, then that would be even better.
When I couldn’t pace anymore, I drove down the road to pick up some food. Only one place was open in town, so my choices were limited. I picked up a quick lunch for two and then made my way back home. When I pulled into my driveway, Josh was getting out of his car.
“Hey,” Josh said when he saw me. “I thought you were home.”
“I was,” I said. “Just went to grab us some food.”
“Oh,” Josh said. He smiled nervously. “Great. I’m starving.”
We went inside and sat down in the living room to eat. We didn’t speak much at first. The food was a nice distraction from each other, but eventually, we ran out of things to eat, and the conversation began to pick up.
“So,” I said. “How’s the residency?”
“Exhausting,” Josh said. “I’m ready for a break, but that won’t happen for a while.”
“But you still like it?” I asked.
“Definitely,” Josh said with a nod. “I love being a doctor. I can’t imagine doing anything else.”
I nodded and stared out the window. Josh followed my gaze and then looked around the room. Neither of us knew how to be around each other anymore. It was as if Julie had wedged a permanent gap between us, and yet, it wasn’t even her fault.
“Have you talked to her?” Josh finally asked.
I couldn’t believe he would dare ask me about Julie. After taking her to dinner and selling me out, I thought he had enough sense to avoid saying her name around me.
“Yes,” I said. “I went to her place on Friday, and she promptly kicked me out.”
“Oh,” Josh said. A smug satisfaction crossed his face, but he quickly wiped it away. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Bullshit,” I said with a snort. “I know what you said to her.”
“What I said?” Josh asked innocently.
“She told me everything,” I said. “That you texted her to meet up. That you told her you still loved her and begged her to take you back.”
“I never begged her to take me back,” Josh said defensively. “I don’t beg.”
“She told me you wanted to be with her,” I said. “And that you insisted this thing between her and me was nothing more than pretend. You said I was only with her because of her connection to you.”
“That’s a lie,” Josh said. “I didn’t say those things.”
“You’re saying Julie lied?” I asked.
“Yes.” Josh’s eyes locked on mine. “She did.”
“So, you didn’t tell you her loved her?” I asked.
“God no.” Josh scoffed. “I dumped her, remember?”
“And you didn’t tell her that she shouldn’t be with me?” I demanded.
“No,” Josh said. “I didn’t say anything like that.”
I just stared at him. I knew he was lying. It was written all over his face. I’d never hated anyone more than I hated him at that moment.
“Did you tell her that I knew?” I asked. “About you and her?”
Josh opened his mouth, but he let it fall shut quickly. I wanted to see how he would deny that one. Julie couldn’t have found out the truth unless Josh told her.
“I did,” Josh said with a sigh. “I told her that you knew who she was.”
“Why?” I asked. “What was the point?”
“Because you weren’t going to tell her,” Josh said. “And she needed to know.”
“Why?” I asked again.
“It was the right thing to do, Michael.”
Josh’s self-righteous attitude only pissed me off even more. I turned away, unable to look at him for another second. This man was supposed to be my brother, and yet, he went out of his way to ruin the first real relationship I’d had in years. All because he dated her first.
“You just couldn’t stand it, could you?” I asked.
“What?” Josh frowned.
“That she was actually moving on,” I snapped. “That she found someone who really wanted to be with her. You couldn’t stand the fact that she was happy with me, so you had to ruin
it.”
“You ruined it all by yourself,” Josh said, his eyes flashing. “The second you decided to lie to her.”
I glared at him. He was right, at least partially. If I’d told Julie everything from the very beginning, then none of this would have happened.
“That doesn’t explain why you tried to get back with her,” I said. “Or why you bashed me to do it.”
“I never tried to get back with her,” Josh said. He was angry now. His face was flushed a deep red. “That bitch lied to you.”
“Watch your fucking mouth.”
My eyes narrowed as I clenched my fists at my sides. I’d been thinking about punching my brother for days and, now, he was within swinging distance.
“We can’t let her come between us,” Josh said. “You and me, We’re brothers, Michael. This girl means nothing compared to that. You can’t let your feelings for her cloud what’s really important. She lied to you. You lied to her. Just cut her loose and move on. There’s no reason you and I should be fighting over her. She’s not worth it. Any of it.”
“Get out.” My voice was low and dangerous.
“What?” Josh blinked. “You aren’t serious.”
“You and I were never that close to begin with,” I said firmly. “And if you ever call Julie a bitch in front of me again, I won’t be responsible for what I do to you.”
“Michael…” Josh began, but my glare must have shut him up.
“Get out,” I said again.
Josh sighed and got to his feet. He took a few steps toward the door, but before he made it, he turned back around to face me.
“Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” Josh said. “Julie Black isn’t worth your time, Michael.”
I didn’t say anything. I just glared until he walked through the front door. My fists were still clenched at my sides when I heard his engine rev. It wasn’t until I was sure he was gone that I finally relaxed.
I grabbed my phone and dialed Julie’s number without thinking. She was the only person I wanted to talk to. She was the only person who would understand my anger at Josh. But she didn’t pick up.
I felt alone and defeated as I laid my phone back down on the couch. Julie was spending time with her family. She didn’t want to hear from me. She probably didn’t even want to see me. And now, I’d lost my brother, too.