Due to the nature of his profession and his typical ‘office hours’, Alex rarely sleeps. His internal body clock is so messed up from working late nights into early mornings that even when he isn’t dealing, he usually stays awake until dawn, unable to completely unwind.
It is almost 1:30am. Tom is fast asleep, snoring loudly, and Alex is on the verge of going to bed in the vain hope of getting a few hours rest when he is startled by a loud banging on the front door.
Ever cautious, he picks up the baseball bat that is leaning against the side of his wardrobe and creeps carefully into the kitchen. He waits, listening in the dark, and after a few seconds he hears the banging again, much more frenzied than before. Very slowly, he turns the key and releases the latch, raising the bat above his head as he whips the door open. Abbey is standing in the doorway, her face stained with tears, and Alex drops his guard instantly, pulling her inside by the hand.
“I’m sorry… I didn’t know where else to go…” She sobs, her voice muffled against Alex’s shoulder as he hugs her tightly. Just being there, in his embrace, makes her feel instantly better.
“What happened?” Alex shuts the door and guides her over to the table, pulling out a chair and taking her bag from her shoulder as he kneels down in front of her.
“Nothing more than I expected really. It was worse this time though, the argument… I just had to get out of there…”
“You look exhausted…” Alex holds Abbey’s face gently between his hands and she smiles half-heartedly. She is so glad to be with him, but she cringes at how much of a mess she must look right now. He doesn’t seem to mind.
“Can I please stay here tonight?” She asks timidly.
“Of course you can, you can stay as long as you like… come on…”
Abbey drags her feet as she follows Alex into his room, and as he throws back the duvet she crawls into bed. The last time she was in here she had been on cloud nine. What a difference, compared to how she feels now. Only one thing is the same, and that is how her pulse quickens every time Alex looks at her or touches her, no matter how briefly. She wants so much to lay awake and talk to him - or just curl up in his arms and savour the moment - but she is so completely drained both physically and emotionally, that she falls into a deep sleep as soon as her head touches the pillow.
Abbey’s dreams are vivid, and although it is late morning by the time she wakes, she doesn’t feel at all rested. As she blinks hard her vision comes into focus, and it takes her a moment to realise where she is. Her heart skips a beat and she feels a rush of excitement as she registers the familiar walls of Alex’s bedroom. Her excitement doesn’t last long though, as the events of the previous day come rushing back to the forefront of her mind and she is pulled under by a deep depression.
She feels so hurt, alone and angry… but more than anything, she feels betrayed. She knew why her family had been acting so strangely towards her. It was only a few months after Ryan’s death when she first noticed the change in them. How they would speak to her but never really say anything, and how they would spend time with her but always seemed distant and removed when they did. They put up their walls and in retaliation - whether it was a conscious decision or not - she did the same. The fact that she is a constant and painful reminder of Ryan is the only conclusion she arrived at when trying to understand their behaviour towards her. And as more time went on, she realised she was right.
Yet last night, after saying it out loud, after finally confronting the tension between them and acknowledging the problem for the first time, she thought they would at least attempt to deny it. She thought they would shout and swear and be incensed at such an accusation, or, if they did admit it, that they would grovel and apologise and beg for forgiveness… but they didn’t. There was barely any reaction at all. They didn’t admit it outright, but they certainly didn’t deny it either and to Abbey it only validated further that she has been right all along. Not only is her theory correct, but deep down, her mum and her brother know exactly how they have been acting towards her. And that hurts more than she can stand.
Although a big part of Abbey wants to lie in bed all day and spiral into despair, she knows that it will serve no purpose. Staring up at the ceiling and wishing things were different certainly isn’t going to change anything or make the situation any better.
She begrudgingly heaves herself out of bed and stumbles over to the en suite bathroom, rubbing her eyes as she flicks on the light. Considering her emotional meltdown last night she doesn’t look half as bad as she was expecting. She must have rubbed most of her make-up off and her face isn’t red and puffy like it usually appears after a major crying session. Her black eye on the other hand is definitely darker, casting a think purple shadow across her cheek bone. Not a great look.
After splashing cold water on her face, cleaning her teeth and brushing her hair, Abbey changes into her joggers and a vest top and makes her way, rather sheepishly, into the kitchen. Alex is sitting at the table reading a paper with a cup of coffee in his hand. He is dressed in a thin, black V neck jumper and his usual dark blue jeans that fit him perfectly. He looks wide eyed and awake, ready to take on the day, and it makes Abbey feel a little self-conscious. As she enters the room he smiles her favourite smile and folds his paper, placing his coffee mug down on top of it without taking his eyes from her face.
“Good morning…” He purrs.
“Hi…”
“How are you feeling?”
“OK, thanks… a little stupid actually…” She sighs, “I am so sorry for barging in on you like that Alex, I really didn’t mean to dis…” Alex shakes his head stopping Abbey mid-sentence, and he leans forward, holding his hand out towards her. As she takes it he pulls her carefully into his lap and wraps his arms securely around her waist as he kisses her neck tenderly.
“Don’t apologise. I’m glad you came here. It was horrible seeing you that upset I’m just glad I could help in some way…”
“You did…” Abbey smiles, “Thank you, for letting me stay…” Alex tilts his head back and Abbey automatically leans forward to kiss him. As their lips touch her stomach flips and her whole body tenses. She still can’t get over how he makes her feel. Despite everything else that is going on in her life, she still can’t suppress the elation that overcomes her every time she is with Alex. She slowly traces her finger down his cheek and across his perfectly square jaw, losing her train of thought as he stares up at her with his unfathomable blue eyes. He smirks and she smiles back coyly.
“What are you thinking?” He asks.
“I was actually thinking it should be illegal for someone to be this good looking…” She blushes furiously, instantly questioning what on earth possessed her to say that out loud. Alex laughs, and a fleeting hint of shyness and uncertainty flickers across his face. It makes Abbey melt and she automatically leans in to kiss him again.
“I could say the same about you…” He says softly as they break apart, “Do you know what I was thinking?” He asks, “I was thinking that it might be a good idea for you to ring your family…” Abbey’s heart sinks and her insecurity kicks into overdrive as she quickly reaches the conclusion that he must be tired of her already. Yet before she can let the disappointment overwhelm her, he explains further, “They’ll be worried, not knowing where you are and I don’t want them sending a police search party out which will eventually lead them to my door. Tell them you’re OK, tell them you need time… that is if you still aren’t ready to go back? Tell them whatever you want, but just let them know that you’re alright and that you’re safe…”
“Are you sure I’m OK to stay here?” She asks, and Alex removes one arm from around Abbey’s waist and places his hand on the side of her neck, softly stroking her cheek with his thumb as he smiles sweetly.
“I want you to be happy and I sincerely hope you sort things out with your family, I really do… but I’d be lying if I said waking up this morning with you sleeping next to me was in any way a bad thing.
I could definitely get used to having you around on a more permanent basis, if that suits you…?” Abbey breaks into a huge smile and Alex pulls her down so that their lips meet again, this time with much more urgency. He stands with ease, still holding Abbey in his arms, and carries her back into the bedroom.
The emotional conflict that is raging inside Abbey has her head in a spin and she can’t understand how it is possible to experience two completely different emotions at the exact same time. On one hand, she feels hollow and angry at the situation with her family, so much so that she is willing to move out to get away from them. She knows that things becoming so intolerable should be beyond upsetting, yet instead all she feels is a childlike excitement at the prospect of living with Alex. Waking up to him every day, being with her friends and getting to spend all her free time with the guy she is absolutely crazy about… it will be like her own little piece of heaven amongst all the turmoil in her life. Things just make sense when she is with him and she feels as though nothing can touch her, because Alex won’t let it.
By the time she finally manages to tear herself away from him and get dressed it is mid-afternoon, which means she has to be quick. Usually both Peter and her mum would be at work at this time, but considering the circumstances, Abbey is almost expecting to turn the corner at the end of the road to see police cars all over the street. She doesn’t quite know how to feel when she reaches the house and it stands locked up and empty like usual. At least she can get inside and pack without another horrible argument. She is grateful for that at least.
Abbey throws her holdall onto the bed and flings open her wardrobe. She has more time to pick through her clothes today than she had in her haste last night, and she folds them up neatly, careful not to waste any space by packing anything unnecessary.
It is a task that takes her less than half an hour, but as the time approaches 4pm she suddenly becomes eager to get out of the house while there is still no one there to stop her. Abbey reaches under her desk for her favourite photo album and throws it on top of her clothes before hastily zipping her bag shut. She is literally seconds away from leaving, when her bedroom door creaks open.
“Hi…” Anna enters the room cautiously - as if approaching a startled rabbit - and her body language instantly annoys Abbey. She isn’t as fragile as her family make her out to be. She has dealt with a lot these past couple of years, most of it completely on her own, “What’s going on…?” She asks, desperately trying to hide the alarm in her voice.
Despite her initial irritation Abbey feels a pang of guilt and the melancholy slowly starts to creep in. Her beautiful sister who she was once so close to, is standing in front of her with panic and concern in her eyes. It is seriously bad timing. Peter and Janet she can still be angry with but Anna is so calm, understanding and rational that it is hard not to be influenced by her, and she doesn’t want her sister to talk her into staying by promising to fix everything… because she can’t, not this time.
“I was just leaving…” She answers, firmly, “I’m going to stay with a friend for a while. I need some space…”
“Abbey, please don’t do this…” Anna begs, “Look, I know that things got a bit out of hand last night but it isn’t going to get sorted if you run away. Mum feels terrible…”
“Does she?” Abbey interrupts, “Did she tell you that?”
“Yes… she rang me in floods of tears, told me what had happened last night and how bad she felt about it, Pete too…”
“That’s interesting… so why did she ring you and not me? If they both feel so terrible why didn’t my phone ring last night Anna, or this morning? And how is it that they’re both at work like nothing has happened at all?” Anna swallows slowly, desperately trying to find an adequate explanation, but she doesn’t have one.
“Abbey, you can’t just leave…”
“You can’t stop me. I’m 18…”
“Please, please don’t go. Let’s just sit and have a coffee and talk…”
“That isn’t going to work Anna…” She sighs, “I’m just exhausted. I can’t be here anymore. I feel like I’m losing myself and I need time to figure a few things out. It’s all been falling apart for a long time and nothing is getting better and I’m scared, I’m scared that one day I’m going to wake up and feel how Ryan felt before he…” Abbey trails off and tries to bring her rapid breathing under control. It is so hard, knowingly hurting Anna, but Abbey is determined not to go back on her decision.
“I’m so sorry that you feel that way Abs, I really am. I feel like it’s partly my fault, that I should have been here more, I …” Anna fights back tears as she struggles to process what is happening.
“Don’t. It is how it is for a million different reasons Anna…” The last thing Abbey wants is to be guilt tripped, it will only make her more inclined to give in.
“Where will you stay?”
“At a flat in the city centre… it’s safe, I’ll be fine, don’t worry…” Abbey desperately wants to reassure Anna and put her mind at ease but she knows that the more she gets drawn into a conversation the less likely she will be able to walk away, “I’ll call…” She whispers, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek before hurrying out of the room.
“Wait… Abbey, wait…” Anna calls after her but she is already half way down the stairs, struggling with her bag as she ignores her sister’s pleas.
She places her hand on the latch and has one foot out of the door when Anna shouts again, but this time, the sound is different. It sends Abbey’s blood cold and she flinches at the guttural, pained scream – immediately dropping her bag as she turns and races back up to her room. Anna is on her knees at the top of the landing, leaning forward and clutching her stomach as a small pool of blood forms on her jeans.
“Something’s wrong…” Anna sobs and Abbey rushes to her side, trying her best not to panic and to keep her sister calm as she frantically dials for an ambulance.
CHAPTER EIGHT
NEW ARRIVAL
Abbey stands perfectly still with her back against the wall of the hospital room as three nurses frantically rush around Anna, hooking her up to various machines and monitors. The eldest of the three and the one who seems to be in charge lifts Anna’s jumper and gently presses the ultra sound equipment onto her stomach. There is a brief pause as everyone stares expectantly at the screen.
“There…” The nurse says, with more than a hint of relief, “The baby’s heartbeat, she’s doing fine…” Abbey exhales sharply - she hadn’t even realised she was holding her breath.
“She?” Anna asks, her eyes filling with tears.
“Oh I’m so sorry, you didn’t know?”
“No, but it’s fine. More than fine… really…” Anna puts her hand to her face and half laughs, half sobs with a strange mixture of elation and relief.
“A mini Anna…” Abbey smiles, “Look out world!” She takes her sisters hand and perches on the chair at her bedside, waiting for her to calm down and for her breathing to steady.
“Dom will be thrilled…” She jokes.
“He’s on his way, I’m sure he won’t be long…”
“Thank you, for being here with me…”
“Of course… I wasn’t going to leave you was I?”
“But you are leaving…” Abbey rolls her eyes. Trust Anna to be laid out on a hospital bed surrounded by scary medical equipment after going through something genuinely traumatic and still being able to carry on an argument.
“I told you. I just need space. It isn’t working and I don’t think it’ll be healthy for any of us if I stay in that house…”
“But if you just talked it out…”
“We tried that, it didn’t work. You aren’t going to change my mind…”
Anna looks ready to launch into another pleading monologue, but instead she flinches, grabbing hold of the metal rail that runs the length of the bed as she shuts her eyes tightly.
“What is it, what’s wrong?!”
“Contrac
tions…” A voice answers from behind Abbey’s shoulder, startling her. She hadn’t noticed the nurse re-enter the room, “They’ll be coming stronger and much more frequently now. She’s almost 5cm’s…” She moves skilfully around the bed - dodging the equipment with ease and passes Anna a breathing tube that provides the gas and air. She takes long, deep breaths and after a minute her body begins to relax again.
“I’m sorry Abbey…” She whispers.
“It’s OK… it’s not like you can help it, I’m just glad the baby…”
“No, not about this, for what you’re feeling, what you’re going through…”
“It’s not your fault…”
“I haven’t exactly been there for you though have I, like I should have been?”
“Anna you have a lot going on right now, I don’t hold that against you…”
“It’s no excuse though. We used to be able to talk about everything… I really miss that…” Abbey feels a wave of sadness as she nods in agreement. She misses it too; she misses the way things used to be so much more than she can bear. It is so hard without Ryan, but it isn’t just his loss that she is grieving. She is in mourning for times gone by, much happier times, when things were simple and life was good.
It’s as though Ryan created a black hole when he took his own life and that hole sucked everything in, pulled everything apart, and her world has been spiralling ever since. In the past 18 months, the only time she has felt grounded, safe and anchored is with her friends and with Alex.
“Please don’t go…” The pain and longing in Anna’s voice momentarily breaks Abbey’s resolve and as she is about to speak up and state her case again, Dom interrupts her by charging into the room.
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