‘Tess, my dear,’ he said, ‘I’VE BEEN TO CHINA.’
Tess said nothing.
Aha, thought Malcolm, that must have been a : The ‘I’VE BEEN TO CHINA’ . He tucked it away in the back of his mind, thinking that it could come in handy. Maybe he’d be out on the play-space at the end of the park and some big kid would come up to him and say, ‘Don’t try to be funny with me, Ponkyboy,’ and he could cut back in quick with, ‘MY DEAR, I’VE BEEN TO CHINA.’
Or maybe he’d be in the yellow bike shop staring at the bike that he would love to have if only Mum had the cash to buy it, and the man in the shop with the bony knees called Zegg (the knees aren’t called Zegg, the man is called Zegg) would say, ‘If you’re not buying that bike, move along and make room for someone who is, Ponkyboy.’
And Malcolm could say, ‘MY DEAR, I’VE BEEN TO CHINA.’
But why oh why oh why, you’re wondering now, would the big kid in the park (probably Sandra the Big Kid. Or possibly Zilch the Big Kid) or Zegg call Malcolm ‘Ponkyboy’?
Even Crackersnacker sometimes calls him Ponky or Ponkyboy, you know.
CHAPTER 15
Ponkyboy
Once when Malcolm was on television, the stunning, superb, beautiful most celebrityist celebrity to have ever appeared on television said to Malcolm, ‘What is the name of the capital city of Italy?’ and Malcolm paused, thought and then said, ‘Ponky.’
From that time on, everyone called him Ponkyboy.
I’m going to guess now that you have two more questions:
1. Why was Malcolm on television?
2. Why did he say ‘Ponky’?
I’m going to answer those questions:
1. No one has ever found out why Malcolm was on television. One minute he wasn’t on television. Then the next moment he was. It was possibly something to do with the fact that the director of ‘A Question of Questions’ turned to the Helper on the programme and said, ‘Hey, Helper, we’ve got to find a kid for the next programme. Just get out there and find me a kid.’ And it so happens that the Helper was Tess’s cousin (who was called Trinidad) and who was, believe it or not, that very evening seeing Tess and Malcolm.
It may have something to do with that.
Or not.
Remember, in life there are connections.
That was quite a non-fiction, important thing to say so I’ll say it again.
Remember, in life there are connections.
2. Why did he say ‘Ponky’?
No one has ever found out why Malcolm said ‘Ponky’. One moment he wasn’t saying Ponky. Then the next moment he was. It was possibly something to do with the fact that at the very moment the celebrityist celebrity (who was called Russell) asked Malcolm,
‘What’s the name of the capital of Italy?’
Malcolm was thinking of that rhyme,
‘Inky Pinky Ponky,
The farmer bought a donkey,
The donkey died,
The farmer cried,
Inky pinky ponky.’
Now, of course this meant that he might have said any of the words from the rhyme:
‘inky’ or
‘pinky’ or
‘the’ or
‘farmer’ or
‘bought’ or
‘a’ or
‘donkey’…
… I don’t need to go on, do I?
But, and this is important, the whole point is that Malcolm had only got to the end of the first line of ‘Inky Pinky Ponky’. He was thinking ‘Inky Pinky Ponky’ and hadn’t got to thinking, ‘the farmer...’ So he said the first thing that came into his mind, which was:
‘Ponky!!!’
And the whole country, the whole world saw it.
And how they laughed. How they loved the boy who said that the capital of Italy was Ponky.
Well, they didn’t love him. They loved the fact that it wasn’t them who said Ponky. It made everyone feel that they were cleverer than the boy who said Ponky. In fact, they weren’t loving him. They were loving themselves. They all felt much better now than they felt in the moment just before he said ‘Ponky’.
And Russell looked at the audience in the studio and he looked at the audience at home (well, not really, he just looked at the camera) and said, ‘Ponky, eh? Ponky, eh? Never mind, Ponky ... you got that one a bit wonky.’
And this became one of the most famous things that anyone ever said about anything. Yes, it’s very famous when it says in Shakespeare, ‘To be or not to be...’ And it was very famous when Winston Churchill said that stuff about ‘never in the field of human conflict...’ though perhaps you don’t remember that one. Or perhaps you do. How should I know?
But much more famous, much, much, much more famous was when Russell (who had the loveliest teeth in the world) said, ‘Ponky, eh? Ponky, eh? Never mind, Ponky ... you got that one a bit wonky.’
There are very thick, heavy books called things like ‘Dictionary of Quotations’ or ‘Dictionary of famous things that people said which changed the world forever’ and if you look in books like that, you’ll see it says,
‘Russell: “Ponky, eh? Ponky, eh? Never mind, Ponky ... you got that one a bit wonky.”’
However, I should say that in the DICTIONARY OF KILLER ANSWERS it says:
No one knows why the DICTIONARY OF KILLER ANSWERS has got it wrong, but if you find a copy, could you please do me a favour and write to them telling them what it should be? They don’t take any notice when I write to them because they say that I don’t cut my toenails often enough.
CHAPTER 16
After The Beans
Malcolm finished his toast and beans. His mind wandered back to the classroom and the mystery of why it said Gobb Education on the bottom of the Worksheet and on the bottom of the Charts.
‘Uncle Gobb?’ said Malcolm.
shouted Uncle Gobb.
I should tell you that Uncle Gobb was very ashamed of Malcolm. When he came home from the TV programme that day, Uncle Gobb was sitting with his head in his hands, sobbing.
‘Oh for goodness’ sake, everyone in the whole world knows that the capital of Italy is Rome, but our little nincompoop says it’s “Ponky”. That’s the problem. Young people today don’t know anything. They know nothing at all. All those facts, all that knowledge – and they know none of it. I’VE BEEN TO CHINA.’
When Malcolm saw and heard the way Uncle Gobb was that day, that was the beginning of why he started to plot how to bamboozle and confuzle him.
Meanwhile, to try and get some facts and knowledge into Malcolm, Uncle Gobb worked out an interesting scheme.
We will find out what this interesting scheme is in just a moment.
We will be back with the baked beans and toast.
CHAPTER 17
Uncle Gobb’s Interesting Scheme
Malcolm finished his toast on beans.
(I know he’s already finished his beans once. What I mean is that we’re still with him exactly as he finishes his beans.)
Then, as part of Uncle Gobb’s interesting scheme, he barked questions at Malcolm:
It was Malcolm’s job to fire back the answers.
The trouble was that some of the questions didn’t make sense, and so Uncle Gobb got sadder and sadder and angrier and angrier and redder and redder until in the end everyone was very upset.
When Uncle Gobb asked, ‘Who was the President of the United States?’
Malcolm said,
‘When?’
And Uncle Gobb shouted at him,
Which didn’t help.
So, Mum said, ‘Derek, be a dear. Just think up some other way of doing questions, eh?’
‘All right then,’ said Uncle Gobb, ‘here is my new way of doing questions: if there is anything, Malcolm, you don’t know the answer to, ask me.’
Malcolm thought for a bit and then said, ‘Is there anything lighter than light?’
Uncle Gobb said, ‘That’s a very good question, boy. That’s an excellent question. I like t
hat question. It’s a question that is very interesting and mind-consuming. It’s one of the best questions I’ve ever heard in all my life. And I’VE BEEN TO CHINA.’
Aha, thought Malcolm. There are times when Uncle Gobb isn’t the most annoying, boring person in the world. He is the most stuck person in the world.
‘All right then,’ said Uncle Gobb, ‘the best way to do questions is for me to think of a question. I then get you to ask me that very same question and then I will answer it. So, my boy, supposing you wanted to know … er … um ... what fuel is burned in an internal combustion engine, you say to me, “What fuel is burned in the internal combustion engine?” Off you go then.’
Malcolm left the room.
Uncle Gobb shouted after him.
‘No, no, no! Come back. I didn’t mean, “off you go”. I meant, ask the question.’
Malcolm said, ‘OK.’
This is how it went after that:
Uncle Gobb: ‘Who won the Men’s 100 metres at the 2012 Olympics? would be an interesting question, Malcolm.
Malcolm: Uncle Gobb, who won the Men’s 100 metres at the 1912 Olympics?
Uncle Gobb: 2012.
Malcolm, Oh, that’s interesting, 2012 won the Men’s 100 metres at the 1912 Olympics, eh?
Uncle Gobb: The question I suggested you ask was: ‘Who won the Men’s 100 metres at the 2012 Olympics?’
Malcolm: Oh, right, but while we’re on 1912, who did win the Men’s 100 metres at the 1912 Olympics?
Uncle Gobb (shouting): I HAVE NO IDEA!!! I don’t even know if there was an Olympics in 1912. We’re not talking about 1912.
Malcolm: No, I know you’re not, but I am. But if you don’t know the answer to the question, then I’m not really learning anything, Uncle Gobb.
You might be wondering at this moment if Malcolm was saying these things to annoy Uncle Gobb. I certainly am.
Uncle Gobb: But if you asked me the question about the 2012 Olympics you would learn something for a change.
Malcolm: But I know who won the Men’s 100 metres in the 2012 Olympic Games. It was Usain Bolt.
Uncle Gobb (shouting): YOU REALLY DON’T GET IT, DO YOU? I’m trying to teach you something here. I’m trying to teach you how to ask questions. I’m trying to teach you some really interesting answers and you muck the whole thing up. We’re falling behind, boy, and I’VE BEEN TO CHINA!!!
This explains why, back in Chapter 16, Uncle Gobb shouted ‘Rome!’
He was imagining that he had asked Malcolm to ask him that one key question that Russell with the nice teeth asked.
And there was the right answer: ‘Rome!’
But in fact, Malcolm was going to ask him, ‘Why did it say Gobb Education on the bottom of the Getting On Well Chart and the Worksheet Chart and the Behaving Sensibly at Playtime Chart?’
But just then, Mum came in and said, ‘Bed.’
Malcolm felt that he needed to share all this with Crackersnacker, but Crackersnacker wasn’t there at that precise moment.
Which is a pity, Malcolm thought.
So he was sad.
CHAPTER 18
Bed
In bed, Malcolm brought into his mind all the times he had seen ‘Gobb Education’ while he had been at school.
The more he looked at them in his mind, the more the word ‘Gobb’ seemed to blur and mix with Uncle Gobb’s face.
The next moment Malcolm was in Binner Market with Crackersnacker.
Binner was where Tess and Malcolm and Crackersnacker lived.
You might be wondering why I didn’t say, Tess and Malcolm and Crackersnacker AND Uncle Gobb.
That’s because on Uncle Gobb’s little white address card that he handed out to people it said,
So Uncle Gobb didn’t really think he belonged in Binner. He thought he belonged to The Cow Club.
Back at Binner Market, Malcolm found that he and Crackersnacker were walking down the road looking at the stalls.
There was the man who sold jeans but today … how odd! … he seemed to be selling a kind of dolls’ house model.
‘C’mon,’ he shouted, ‘let’s see the colour of your money. Look at this one, tasty or what?’
Over there on another stall was the man who usually sold ‘Fresh Veg.’, and today, like the jeans man, he was selling some kind of dolls’ house thing. Just one, sitting right in the middle of his stall, just where you’d expect to see his potatoes and carrots.
‘Lovely jubbly. Lovely jubbly,’ he shouted.
And so it was across stall after stall, all of them selling just one dolls’ house thing.
And then, in the middle of it all, was Uncle Gobb.
He was sitting in a chair that was on a platform which was being carried down the middle of the road by four very strong men. He nodded and smiled to everyone, and people looked up and nodded back at him. Every now and then he threw some money in the direction of the stall holders but he didn’t seem interested in buying anything.
Malcolm and Crackersnacker followed after him and it was then that Malcolm realised that he was in a dream. The question is, though, he thought, am I in MY dream, or am I in someone else’s dream? If it’s someone else’s dream, whose dream? And if it’s someone else’s, how will I ever find out whose dream it is?
While he was thinking this, he realised that he and Crackersnacker were getting closer and closer to the stall at the end of Binner Market and to his surprise, now it was Uncle Gobb selling a dolls’ house too but ... but ... but ... it wasn’t a dolls’ house at all. It was his school. Janet and Mr Keenly were crying and shouting, ‘No, no, no…’
But Uncle Gobb was now laughing and nodding more and more and pointing in all directions at the same time...
Crackersnacker whispered to Malcolm, ‘Quick, you’ve got to get rid of him. Do it now! Do some bamboozling and confuzling!’
Then it all went blank.
CHAPTER 19
Back at School: Malcolm Talking With Crackersnacker In The Playground After School - And A Surprise (It’s OK, It’s A Good One).
‘Listen, Crackersnacker, it’s all beginning to make sense. I’ve a funny feeling,’ said Malcolm, ‘all this stuff going on is something to do with Uncle Gobb.’
‘Yes,’ said Crackersnacker, ‘and not Billy with the Blue Hat.’
‘Exactly,’ said Malcolm, rubbing the side of his nose.
What Malcolm didn’t realise was that at that moment, his nose had turned into Aladdin’s Lamp and as he rubbed his nose, it summoned up a Genie.
The Genie appeared in a puff of smoke …
... and stood in front of Malcolm and Crackersnacker and said, ‘I am the Genie of the Magic Lamp. I got tired of being in that Aladdin story year after year after year so I thought things might be a bit more lively if I moved out. You can’t imagine how sick I am of being in those plays and pantomimes where I jump up and everyone claps. Yawn yawn. So here I am: The Genie of Malcolm’s Magic Nose. I am at your service. Your wish is my command.’
Crackersnacker laughed. ‘This is amazing, Ponkyboy. Like really amazing. Like really, really amazing.’
Malcolm looked at the Genie and said, ‘Wow! You came out of my nose!’
The Genie raised his hand. ‘No, there’s no need to get all hero-worshippy and silly about it. I’m just an ordinary genie doing my job. What can I do for you?’
‘Me?’ said Crackersnacker.
The Genie looked at him. ‘I don’t want to sound nasty, young man, but just cast your mind back a moment and ask yourself whose nose was being rubbed in the moment before I appeared in a puff of smoke?’
‘Ponkyboy’s?’ said Crackersnacker.
‘Yes,’ said the Genie, ‘so look, I can hold you on the line if you have another request, but in the meantime, I’m going back to the original caller.’
Malcolm was playing with the Genie’s smoke, running his hands through it as if it was some kind of water.
The Genie moved closer.
Malcolm looked up. ‘Oh yes, my wi
sh is your command. What do I wish for? Ho hum humble hum ... hmmmm.’
Crackersnacker may well have been peaky, but he was also pretty sharp. Not as sharp as a very sharp knife but still pretty sharp. He said, ‘What you were saying about Uncle Gobb, an’ that.’
‘What was I saying?’ said Malcolm.
‘The stuff about how you thought it was all to do with him.’
‘Yes...’
‘Well,’ said Crackersnacker, ‘we could get your Genie – him – to find out more stuff.’
‘This “stuff-stuff” is getting confusing,’ said the Genie. ‘I need more details than that.’
Malcolm slowly explained what he had noticed about the Worksheets and the Charts.
‘What I need to know is whether the Gobb Education person is the same as Uncle Gobb. Or not,’ he said.
‘Aha,’ said the Genie. ‘Oh, I should say,’ he interrupted himself, ‘that I have to say “aha” like that because it’s a kind of genie groove that I have to gig to. Genies always do “aha”. But never mind that,’ he went on, ‘remember, if you have the knowledge, it may lead you to do TERRIBLE AND DANGEROUS THINGS.’
‘Sounds brill,’ said Crackersnacker. ‘I love terrible and dangerous.’
‘Er … me too …’ said Malcolm uncertainly but he didn’t want Crackersnacker to think he was uncertain, so he said it again, really fiercely. As fierce as a Norse God like Thor or a Greek demon like Medusa: ‘Me tooooooo! Oh yes.’
(And he opened his eyes wide, pushed out his mouth and did a wiggly line thing with his finger.)
‘Well,’ said the Genie, ‘I will investigate this whole Gobb story, put a girdle round the earth in forty minutes or forty seconds – I forget which – and come back to you in a thrice.’
Uncle Gobb and the Dread Shed Page 3