The boys sat in the dark some more.
Then Malcolm said, ‘Crackersnacker, shut your eyes really hard.’
He did.
‘Now open them.’
He did.
‘Can you see anything at all?’
‘Yes,’ said Crackersnacker, ‘I can see a little line. Over there.’
‘Me too,’ said Malcolm, ‘let’s feel our way over there and see what’s what.’
So the two boys crept across the floor of the Dread Shed towards the line.
‘If you feel here,’ said Crackersnacker, who was touching the line of light, ‘it feels like the bottom of a door.’
Malcolm felt too … and then he pushed.
And the moment he pushed, the door opened.
That’s because it WAS a door.
The door opened out into … more or less the same place as they were before Uncle Gobb and Doctor Roop pushed them in.
The boys looked at each other.
‘It’s not supposed to be that easy,’ said Crackersnacker. ‘We should have been in there for about twenty years, getting thinner and thinner and then in the end we either die, or Robin Hood rescues us, or we spoon our way out like Clint Eastwood did.’
‘And to think: we just opened the door!’ said Malcolm.
Just then Uncle Gobb came round the end of the Dread Shed with Doctor Roop and shouted, ‘How did you two get out?’
‘We opened the door,’ said Malcolm.
‘Impossible!’ said Uncle Gobb. ‘No one ever escapes from the Dread Shed. It’s like Alcatraz.’
‘We did,’ said Crackersnacker.
‘But how?’ said Uncle Gobb, who was by now seriously flustered and blustered and mustard. ‘None of my plans go wrong.’
‘Yeah, but this one did,’ said Crackersnacker, ‘we did what people usually do with a door. We opened it…’
‘…and then we walked out,’ said Malcolm.
‘I can’t think how that happened,’ said Uncle Gobb.
‘It was because it was a door,’ said Crackersnacker.
‘So it opened,’ said Malcolm.
‘I expect it shuts as well,’ said Crackersnacker.
‘That’s because it’s a door,’ said Malcolm.
‘ENOUGH!!!!’ shouted Uncle Gobb, ‘Right, that was your last chance! Doctor Roop, we’ll have to do it with our bare hands!’
BARE HANDS???!!!!!!
Malcolm looked to his Genie for help, but it was no good, he was doing press-ups. He was only on number forty-nine.
Crackersnacker fell to his knees.
‘Then I crave a last boon.’
‘What’s that?’ whispered Malcolm. ‘What’s with the cravey boony thing?’
‘Oh I know,’ said Doctor Roop the Doop, doop dee doop – who was a very old Genie – ‘let me explain, it’s what they do in old stories. When they’re just about to die, they say, “I crave a last boon”. It means, “I want a last wish”.’
‘So why don’t they say, “I want a last wish”?’ said Malcolm.
‘Because it’s in old stories,’ said Doctor Roop.
‘But this is a new story,’ said Malcolm.
‘Never mind that,’ said Crackersnacker, ‘I still want to crave a last boon.’
Uncle Gobb pondered on that one for a moment.
‘I like old stories,’ he said, ‘and so, young knave, thou mayst crave one last boon.’
‘What about my electric metal plugs?’ said Doctor Roop, ‘when do I get to use them?’
‘Hold back, good doctor, your time will come,’ said Uncle Gobb.
Crackersnacker winked at Malcolm and said, ‘And, sire, may this last boon be a QUESTION? A question that we might ask of YOU?’
‘Indeed forsooth,’ said Uncle Gobb, who was beginning to enjoy himselfe talkinge in thisse olde waye.
Crackersnacker winked at Malcolm again, though Malcolm had no idea what all the winking was about.
‘Don’t you see,’ said Crackersnacker clevernesslishly, ‘this is it … this is it, Ponkyboy.’
As this is getting quite exciting and confusing at the same time, I think we need a very short rest.
CHAPTER 32
Another Aha!!!
‘Malc, don’t you get it? Do the Billy Blue Hat thing!’
‘What do you mean?’ said Malcolm.
‘Doctor Roop the Doop, doop dee doop, won’t be able to do the Billy Blue Hat thing. NOR WILL UNCLE GOBB!!!’ said Crackersnacker.
‘Oh they diddly will,’ said Malcolm.
‘No, no, no,’ said Crackersnacker, ‘they won’t know how to do all that roundabouty stuff that you say. And that will bamboozle and confuzle THEM. You know what I mean.’
‘Do I?’ said Malcolm, looking at Doctor Roop the Doop, who was holding some electric plugs and moving towards them.
‘Yes,’ shouted Crackersnacker desperately, ‘not the Billy’s-hat-is-blue thing, not the he’s-wearing-a-hat-because-it’s-raining. Your stuff. Your brilliant stuff, Ponkyboy. Go on, quick, before Gobb’s genie sticks the plugs in us…’
There was a silence while Malcolm did some hard thinking …
… then he shouted:
‘HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT THE HAT THAT BILLY IS WEARING IS HIS OWN HAT?!!!!’
Doctor Roop the Doop, doop dee doop, stopped.
Right there.
In his tracks.
He was absolutely still, going forward.
I mean he wasn’t going forward, going forward.
‘And, and, and…’ Malcolm hesitated … he turned to Uncle Gobb, ‘is Billy wearing the hat because once a bully-kid had stolen it from him, and now wearing it showed the bully-kid that he wasn’t afraid of him anymore, yeah?’
There was more silence.
Uncle Gobb cleared his throat. His face went red.
He didn’t know the answer.
He just stood still, spluttering.
And muttering.
And guttering.
And buttering.
In fact, he spluttered and muttered and guttered and buttered himself to a standstill.
A STANDSTILL!!!
He was utterly bamboozled and confuzled!
‘See that,’ whispered Crackersnacker, ‘you know what that means, Malc?’
‘What?’ said Malcolm.
‘It’s his downfall. And I’m pretty sure he’s going to leave us alone now,’ said Crackersnacker, ‘that’s a major, major, major thingy you’ve done there, Ponkyboy!’
CHAPTER 33
The Standstill Means That’s It. Or Is It?
Something very important happened straight after Uncle Gobb’s standstill. Doctor Roop disappeared in a puff of smoke. Uncle Gobb had no more power over Doctor Roop. Just like a stone has no power over the frog sitting on it.
With Doctor Roop gone, Malcolm’s Genie didn’t see much point in hanging about either. He disappeared off in a puff of smoke too.
Crackersnacker whispered to Malcolm, ‘Maybe they go off to some sort of Genie Cafe and wait there till next time they get called.’
Just then, Malcolm’s mum appeared. ‘Oh, Derek, I didn’t know you were picking up Malcolm...’
Uncle Gobb was still in his standstill. So he couldn’t answer. Crackersnacker winked. Malcolm turned his face into a question mark.
‘He can’t move,’ said Crackersnacker. ‘All you have to do now is go home and you’ve got what you’ve wanted all along. You’ve got rid of him, Ponkyboy!’
Malcolm looked at his mum. ‘C’mon, Mum. I want to get home. Sofa Soccer’s on TV.’
They started walking down the street away from Uncle Gobb.
‘What’s that?’ said Mum.
‘Celebrities sit on sofas trying to score goals with a mini-football,’ Malcolm said.
‘What do they use for goals?’ Mum asked.
‘The sofas,’ said Malcolm.
They were getting further and further away from Uncle Gobb, who was still very still in his standstill. Crackersnacker winked and nodd
ed at Malcolm and looked back over his shoulder. They both looked back at Uncle Gobb.
But that was a
BIG MISTAKE.
Mum noticed what Malcolm and Crackersnacker did. She turned round and called to Uncle Gobb, ‘Pop to the shop, would you, Derek, we need some beans.’
Uncle Gobb snapped out of his standstill and scurried off to the shop.
Oh dear.
Malcolm knew, you know and I know that means …
… it means that Uncle Gobb will come back.
Oh no …
… and you know what Uncle Gobb coming back means?
It means that we’ll meet him again.
But that’ll have to be in another book.
Is this possible?
CHAPTER 34
Yes.
Yes, I think that can be arranged.
THE END!!!
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
I would like to say thank you.
Disclaimer
All coincidences in this work are delicious. Anyone living or dead is a book.
PROFILES
Michael Rosen grew up in 1946. He was born. He went on to become one of the … er … the … er… Later he was later. He lives in a place.
Neal Layton writes and draws, draws and writes, writes and draws, draws and writes. In his spare time, he spares time. His best is his best.
DEFINITIONS
Beans some beans in this book
Crackersnacker a boy in this book
Dog a dog in this book
Infinity big
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis big word
INDEX
Alabama not in this book, you’ve got the wrong book
Alcatraz not in this book, but mentioned sometimes
Dread Shed very dark
Gobb, Uncle on loads of pages
Index on this page
Malcolm’s Dad in the next Uncle Gobb book
Page 34 see here
Page 81 see here
Weather outside
Bloomsbury Publishing, London, New Delhi, New York and Sydney
This electronic edition published in 2015 by Bloomsbury Publishing Plc
First published in Great Britain in June 2015 by Bloomsbury Publishing Plc
50 Bedford Square, London WC1B 3DP
www.bloomsbury.com
Bloomsbury is a registered trademark of Bloomsbury Publishing Plc
Text copyright © Michael Rosen 2015
Illustrations copyright © Neal Layton 2015
The moral rights of the author and illustrator have been asserted
All rights reserved
You may not copy, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (including without limitation electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, printing, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
ISBN: 978-1-4088-5130-2
ePub ISBN: 978-1-4088-5131-9
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Uncle Gobb and the Dread Shed Page 5