Doubting Our Hearts

by Rachel E. Cagle

  Relief is what makes me relax. I didn't want to be rude, but I'm glad to be able to tell Teenie what's going on with me. Maybe she'll tell me I've gone completely mad then smack some sense into me.

  "A cab’s fine. It'll give me a few minutes to make sure she's decent when I walk into her place."

  After getting me into a cab, Brendan leans into the passenger door. "Have a great night, Addy. Call if you need me."

  "Thanks, Bren. Goodnight."

  Once he closes the door and the cab merges into traffic, I try to piece together all my thoughts before reconstructing them so Tina can understand them. I call her and she picks up right before it goes to voicemail.

  "Hey, babe. What's going on? I thought you said you need to recoup from the trip."

  "I do, but I need to talk to you."

  "Sure, I was just going to have a few glasses of wine and listen to some music. Pretty sad if you ask me, but I could use some company."

  "Sounds great. See you in twenty minutes."

  "See you then."

  Chapter 12

  Brayden

  All week and no word from Lillian. I figured after I revealed information about Addison, Lillian would need a few days to recover if she could ever forgive me for lying.

  I don't know what compelled me to send her that jellyfish necklace. I suppose half of me wanted to send her something to show her I was thinking of her, and the other half was telling me it was an absolutely stupid idea. Obviously, the maybe-not-so-smart part of me won out, and I sent the necklace I bought before we left the Aquarium that day in Tampa. Never mind her reactions, I did it, and there's no taking it back now.

  I open the top drawer of my desk and let my gaze peruse the familiar colors and curves I know so well. A knock stirs me out of my trance. It's Candice and she's looks like she's trying to contain her happiness.

  "Sir. Your last appointment is here. Should I show them to the conference room?"

  "Yes, please, Candice. I'll be in there in a minute."

  When the door closes, I take another look over the picture and pray Lillian finds it in her heart to forgive me so we can move forward. Whether we'll remain friends or not depends how we handle secrets, and this is definitely a turning point in our friendship.

  I slip the photo back into my desk, stand up, and straighten my suit and tie. I need to get my game face on so I can meet my next potential client. As I walk out of my office, I stand a little taller and square my shoulders.

  It doesn't do any good though. A recognizable ache pulls at my chest when I step into the conference room to see long brown hair with bourbon highlights sitting with her back me. She stands and turns to me with a smile on her face. I'm speechless as I was the day I met her. She in jeans in a t-shirt but could be in a paper bag and still look stunning.

  "You didn't leave me your number, so I figure why not make an appointment," Lillian says to break the ice with a smile.

  "Well, making an appointment under false pretenses is a bad use of company time just to get my number," I respond as I walk toward you and wrap her in a hug. "How are you, Lil?"

  She came to find me. I pray this means we've turned a corner in this awkward sort of relationship we have. I don't want to assume, but I have to know what's going on in her head.

  "I'm good, but I didn't do this under false pretenses. I do need to look for an office space, and it just so happens my friend knows his way around the property market here in New York. Quite well I might add." My chest swells with pride with her assessment of my company.

  I pull out of the embrace and pull out a chair for her to sit so we can discuss properties. She gladly accepts the chair and I occupy the one right next to hers. "What kind of space are you looking for Lillian?" I see her pulling strands of her hair through her fingers. She looks nervous, but I don't see why. She's got a backbone, and I like that. "Lil?"

  Her eyes go straight for mine before she speaks. "First, I wanted to say thank you for the gift, but I can't accept it."

  "And why not? I thought you would like it." She doesn't retort back with a sly remark or start to get upset. She just searches my face for the reason behind my gift. "Was I wrong in my assumption?"

  "No. It was very thoughtful, but I can't accept gifts from you." My gaze shifts to her hair again as she rolls the soft strands between her dainty fingers.

  "Look, Lil. I bought that the day we were at the Aquarium. It's just a little something that I thought you might like. It's just a friendly gesture."

  "So friends give friends gifts now?"

  "Seeing as though we're friends, then yes, that's exactly what friends do." I pull her hand away from fiddling with her hair. They're shaking slightly so I fold my hands over hers. "Please keep it, Lillian. It would mean a lot to me."

  She looks down at our hands before she speaks, "On one condition."

  "Depending on the condition," I say as she pulls her hands away from mine and stares at me with soft green eyes.

  She doesn't say anything for a second but never takes her shimmering green eyes away from mine. It's then I know she's dead serious. "No more gifts," She replies with resolve.

  Without breaking our eye contact, I lace my fingers together and set them on the table. I know why she's asking this of me. She freaked out I gave her something, but if the only condition is I shouldn't give her gifts anymore, then I'm not going to complain.

  "I understand. No more gifts," verbally confirming that I agree.

  She visibly relaxes, which makes me relax as well. The situation may not be ideal, but whatever this is between us is worth compromising to explore.

  I need to steer this conversation in the professional direction or I'll lock the door and won't come out until I have all the answers I need. Somehow, my caveman approach to that dilemma doesn't seem like it would work the way I would like it to.

  "Why are you looking for an office space?"

  Her face lights up at the thought of discussing her photography. That was always one thing about Lillian. No matter what kind of day she was having or what came up, talk about her work and she lit up like you gave her chocolate. Which, by the way, has the same reaction. That woman and her chocolate obsession.

  "I want somewhere there's a decent amount of space, store all of my equipment, and gives room for clients to be comfortable. Plus, I need it close enough to my apartment that I can walk without the use of the subway."

  "Sounds reasonable enough. Do you want to buy the space or just rent it out?"

  "I have no intention of moving anytime soon, however, I want to see how the place will work for the first year. So, presently, renting would be ideal."

  "Sounds great." I grab my laptop from the head of the table then come back and set it in front of where we're sitting. "Let me know when you see one you want to go check out."

  For the next hour, we discuss the pros and cons of the commercial spaces available. Some were either too expensive for her business or the space wasn't quite right. Finally, Lillian was leaning toward a loft space that we had just added the week prior. It was a sublet situation but was perfect for what she wanted.

  It was 1,200 square feet of space sectioned off of a 15,000 square foot loft. Large windows lined the space and let in more natural light than my apartment ever did. It also had its own bathroom and room for changing. It didn't hurt that it was the cheapest of the spaces we saw too.

  "That's it," Lillian says with finality.

  "You sure? You didn't even get to see it yet."

  "Brayden, I don't have to actually see this place. It's perfect." She kept her eyes fixed on the images flipping through them like she could picture herself there doing what she loves to do.

  "Alright. I'll call them Monday so you can have a proper walk through before we work out the details and sign papers."

  "I can't wait," She says then she wraps her arms around my neck and sighs. "Thank you, Brayden. I appreciate this more than you know."

  I'm a bit thrown right now. Lillian feels so so
ft and her perfume cloaks me in memories I never want to forget. How can just her scent have me experiencing emotions I thought I buried that night in my office? Some thoughts are hurtful like the pain I felt in my chest as she walked away from me in Tampa, but others lift me up and make me feel I could take on the world.

  Before I get carried away, I know we need to discuss more of these issues that are between us. Addy is with my brother tonight, so it'll give me the perfect opportunity to ask her some questions I need answers to.

  I pull her away and run my eyes over gorgeous green eyes over her cheekbones and across her succulent lips. "Lil, do you want to come somewhere with me? I promise no gifts or overt gestures of any kind. Just you and I hanging out."

  "I dunno. I don't want Addison to get the wrong idea." She replies pulling away completely, trying to distance herself from me.

  I don't want to tell Lillian what Addy said about giving me time to figure out what I feel, but I know if I hide the conversation for too long I would feel like I'm lying to her all over again. It's something I never want to do.

  I take a deep breath before I give her the truth. "Addison and I have come to a mutual agreement." I pull at the back of my neck searching for the words that are both truthful and clearly explain the situation. "We've agreed we both need to take a few months to figure out some things in our separate personal lives."

  "Is this because of last week?"

  "No, Lil. Trust me. This was because of me and her. I just wanted to tell you. I don't want to think I'm keeping something from you." I grab a hold of both her shoulders gently before I continue. "I would like it if we could resume our talk from the park but in a different location." I could tell she was skeptical about my explanation regarding Addison, but it was true.

  "A walk and a talk?" She asks after a beat.

  "Yes, I would very much like that."

  ******

  Twenty minutes later, we're seated at one of the many small green metal tables scattered around the park. Even though Lillian was reluctant, we picked up some Chinese food on the way over. I kept telling her it wasn't a date and most of her apprehension went away.

  I need some more answers, and if General Tao's chicken, shrimp fried rice, and some spring rolls will get them for me, I'm all but willing to make a fool of myself and try my hand at using chopsticks again.

  "So, tell me more. What happened with you after I came back to New York?" I ask trying to pick up a piece of chicken with sticks.

  She starts to giggle, and it turned into a full blow laugh as she watches me continually try and pick up the same piece of chicken over and over dropping it every time. "Have you ever used chopsticks before?"

  "Laugh it up over there. I was never taught the skills of eating with these things." I try to get the chicken again, but still no luck. I resort to stabbing it before putting it in my mouth. "Don't divert my attention. Tell me what happened."

  "Well, Damon's work kept him away as it always did. Nora was in the same boat working late hours, so I didn't really have much to do besides take pictures and read in my downtime.

  "I helped my wedding planner, Fallon, with any of the preparations because I didn't know what else to do with my free time. I thought about taking a vacation or even going to visit some relatives, but I just couldn't seem to leave Tampa."

  She gracefully put small bites of chicken and rice into her mouth. The way she ate made my body ache. The chopsticks sliding against her tongue and her lips closing over the sticks. It is extremely difficult to think straight around Lillian when food is involved.

  "At times when I was alone in my place, I thought about you. If you were happy or if anyone else knew how bad you suck at skeeball."

  "Hey, you cheated."

  "As much as you want to believe that, there is no way you can cheat at skeeball. You're just upset I beat you," She responds and laughs at her own joke.

  Lillian stops to take a few sips of her water while I process what she's said. She thought of me. I know the skeeball comment was her trying to make a joke, but she did think of me. She knows I thought of her too. I don't need to voice that again. However, the main question still remains to be answered. What happened between her and her ex that would make her drop everything she had in Tampa to move here?

  "Lil?"

  When she looks up, I can see the tears forming in her eyes. I would never push information out of her, but I opened up to her and want her to know she can do the same with me. I lightly put my hand over hers and run my fingers over her knuckles.

  After a few minutes, she looked pained and wary. "He cheated on me," She finally whispered.

  I scoot my chair next to hers and put my arm over her shoulders. I hold her close and kept quiet. Addison and I went through this same conversation. Although she was drunk, mad, and upset, Lillian doesn't break down on me. She just leans her head against my shoulder and nuzzles against the fabric of my dress shirt. I feel contentment with her like this. Neither of us talking but both soaking up the comfort we get from the other.

  The smug side of me wants to blurt out I told you so or another asshat thing to say, but I just can't. I contemplate trying to say something funny but in my head is probably the only place it would be remote amusing. Instead of turning into an asshole, I just sit there and hold her as my fingers glide up and down her arm.

  "Do you believe in God, Brayden?"

  Her question throws me. "I was raised a catholic, so, yes, I believe in God. Why do you ask?"

  "I spoke to the Father in our church before I left. He told me God has a reason why we make certain choices."

  "Are you wondering what explanation God has for your ex doing what he did to you?"

  "I ask myself that sometimes...when I'm alone," She replies.

  I take a deep breath and quickly construct my thoughts to give her some sort of encouragement or peace knowing she can get through the hurt her ex caused her.

  "Maybe Damon's choice brought you closer to me," I say in a hushed tone. I close my eyes and pray that there is some truth to my spoken words.

  I can feel Lillian's head lift from where it was on my shoulder. I open my eyes to her wide green pools of deep emerald. However, before she tries to process my statement, I smile and pull her head back down to my shoulder.

  "Or I could be completely crazy, and he was trying to set you free in some way. We aren't to know these things, Lily. That's why they call them the mysteries of life."

  Without responding, her head burrows in the crook of my neck, and I can feel the smile on her lips. I want to believe her ex's choice brought her to me. Every moment I spend with Lillian makes my chest ache more and more for her.

  Chapter 13

  Lillian

  The two weeks following the almost bomb incident, okay, it wasn't a bomb, but for all intensive purposes, the girls and I thought the worst. We have active imaginations, and they get the best of us in certain situations. I was just glad it was a necklace than what we originally thought.

  So the next full week after getting the necklace, it seemed like a million different things happened. The girls saw the photos of Brendan and thought he was gorgeous. After me telling them the brothers were identical twins, they immediately said Brayden looked just as good even if they couldn't see the photos of him with his shirt off. The best one is of Brayden in just his suit pants and neck tie with his sexy body tattoo in full view looking directly at me with those chocolate brown eyes. I secretly printed it out, and it's on my mirror in my bedroom. Don't judge me. He may be engaged, but he's magnificent to look at.

  I had some reservations about the necklace, but surreptitiously, I can't keep the smile from donning my face every time I passed it in the box on my dresser. Brayden protested me giving it back, and I acquiesced as long as he doesn't give me any more gifts. I'm glad to forever have this little piece of him because it makes me think of home too.

  I was able to gain a little strength due to some liquid courage and read some more messages and emails f
rom Nora. It was more of the same thing. Apologizing profusely, telling me she misses and loves me, and trying to explain what happened without going into great detail. By the time I got to the drawn out email of her explanation, words started to merge together and sometimes double, so I suppose I didn't really get the gist of it that night. Tequila can be a blessing in small amounts, whereas too much can blur your original objective.

  I've ignored and deleted anything that came across with Damon's name on it. Part of me wants to read what he wrote, but the hurt, scornful part of me wants nothing to do with him. This man that I loved for six years made the choice to emotionally crush me in one day. Needless to say, my alcoholic haze helped me overcome a hurdle that's been taking up too much time in my head these past few months.

  My job, which has been a blessing since I moved to the city, has been going considerably well. Jerry reviewed my playful and more serious pictures of Brayden and Brendan and surprisingly thought the more playful pictures were just what the article needed. There's going to be a two page spread in next month's issue featuring the best five shots. I was thrilled to hear the news, and then Jerry reminded me of the staff position, which I told him I was extremely interested in.

  Brayden helped me seal the deal for the loft space we were looking at last week a few blocks from my apartment building. He's assisted me with moving all my equipment in and getting the space prepared for when I finally get the staff position with the magazine. On the empty walls in my section of the loft, we've hung some of my photos. Brayden looked a tad disappointed when he didn't see one of his GQ photos up there. What he didn't know is that I had sent off to get my favorites blown up for the feature wall. None of the shirtless pictures will be displayed; those are my secret.

  With all the happenings over the past couple weeks, I've tried to push back processing any feelings I may or may not have for Brayden. When I start to ponder his actions or comments, my mind goes haywire with possibilities. I like things simple and thinking about Brayden is anything but simplistic.