Doubting Our Hearts

by Rachel E. Cagle

  "Can we talk?"

  I dunno. I want to speak to her. I want to be able to clear the air between us, but my strength is gone and tears prick at my eyes. I look up to Brayden who clearly sees the struggle inside me. He's the one who speaks.

  "Can we have a minute?"

  "Sure," Nora replies giving a shy smile.

  He leaves Nora standing there and directs me out in the hallway to a nearby corner. I close my eyes and take a few quick breaths. I never thought she would be here, and Brayden's here. Oh no, I don't think I can talk with her.

  He cups my face with his warm hands and tilts my head to look into his eyes. The eyes I can get lost in.

  "Lil, you don't have to talk to her if you don't want to. I can ask her to give you some space. I'm sure she's not going to make a scene here with your parents."

  "What do you think she wants?"

  "I have no idea. If I had to guess, I would say she just wants to have some time with her friend. She clearly cares enough for your parents because she's here. By the look on her face, she didn't know you were going to be here. It's not an ambush. I can tell you miss her too," He answers while gently rubbing my cheeks with his thumbs.

  I calm my breathing while his words roll around in my head and his touch soothes my nerves. How can a single touch from him pacify my anxiety?

  "How do you do that?" I murmur closing my eyes.

  He leans his forehead against mine without taking his hands away from my face. He smells fabulous even with the hint of the beer we drank at the pub. His breath is warm, and right now, all I can think about is wanting to kiss him.

  "How do I do what?" He murmurs back.

  Can he possibly have the same reaction that I'm having with him?

  I pull away looking up in his eyes. Their soft and heartening. I'm not sure if it's reassuring me that my silent question might be correct or that he supports me if I want to talk to Nora. I better get back on subject or I might do something we both will regret...like kiss him.

  Against my better judgment, I say, "I’ll talk with her. I'm not saying it will be an engaging conversation, but I should give her an opportunity to be honest and say these things to my face."

  "Maybe this is something you need to do for yourself." Maybe it is. I nod in agreement, and he starts again. "Why don't you go ahead and sit in that small waiting room over there, and I'll go get her. You can close the door and talk to her."

  "Okay."

  "Remember, you can always set ground rules for the conversation. If there's something you really can't talk about with her, let her know so she doesn't mention things that may upset you. I'll check on you."

  "Okay." He turns to head back to get Nora, and I grab a hold of his hand. "Thank you, Brayden."

  I don't know if it's everything we've been through or this overpowering urge to be with him or even the unexplainable feeling of solace I get when I'm with him, but I may just love him.

  "You're welcome," He says with a squeeze to my hand and he disappears back into my father's room.

  I make my way to the small waiting room down the hall and sit on one end of the sofa to wait Nora's arrival. I'm nervous, but Brayden's right. I need to set ground rules so I can keep it together. She needs this just as much as I do.

  ******

  Five minutes later, Nora walks into the room and closes the door behind her. She sits beside me on the sofa but doesn't speak. She's ringing her hands together, so I know she's nervous about talking with me. However, I'm doing this for both of us. I miss her, but I need her to be honest with me and tell me the truth. I would like to reclaim some part form of our friendship. I figure I would start talking first.

  "Nora, I want to talk to you. There are so many questions and not enough answers. I won't say I'm not still hurt because the truth is what happened crushed me. However, I want to see if we can mend some fences.

  "With that being said, I have read your messages and emails. I've tried to read your lengthy explanation, but some circumstances prevented me from fully understanding it all." I was drunk. What can I say? "I don't want to hear any details because I feel that’ll hurt our chances of fixing what's broken. I would like to ask you questions. Could you answer them by giving me an honest answer without going overboard?"

  Nora's bottom lip starts to quiver and tears start to form in her blue eyes. "I'll tell you anything you want to know."

  "Thank you."

  Where to begin with this line of questioning? I'm not a mean, vindictive person nor do I need specifics surrounding their love story. I need facts and truth. Getting upset will just make me break down and I can't do that especially with Brayden here.

  I take a deep breath and ask my first question. "When did this start?"

  "I don't know an exact time, Lil. We worked long hours together, and we started talking."

  "I know you guys got along, but I didn't expect this. Damon would always talk to me. He never kept anything from me."

  "I dunno. He came into the office one afternoon and looked so sad. I asked what was wrong, but he didn't want to tell me."

  That's when it clicked. Damon told me in our last phone conversation that he saw me with Brayden. This has got to be it. I need to know why his attitude changed.

  "I think I know why he looked upset," I admit.

  "Yeah. He told me after...well, he told me later that evening."

  "What did he tell you?"

  Although Damon's feelings didn't really matter anymore, for some odd reason, I needed to know what he saw between Brayden and I. I cut him off on the phone when he tried to tell me, but I need to know.

  "He said he was going to lunch to meet you in your favorite spot. The one where you would always be for lunch. Do you remember it?"

  How could I forget it? It's Swann Circle Park. It's north of my old apartment off South West Shore Blvd. The park is set in a circle with traffic of the neighborhood flowing around its boundaries. Tall trees and shrubs mask the tranquil ambiance within the shield of varying greens. When you walk into the park, it opens into another world. There's an area for kids to play as well as shaded areas to relax. My favorite part of this place is that it has one giant tree situated off to the left of the park. It stands alone and its branches cover the area under its umbrella of green foliage. And it's there under this shaded view of mother nature that hangs a white wooden swing. It seems out of place to hang a swing from a tree in a public park, but to me it felt comforting and relaxing.

  I took many pictures in that park on that very swing. I remember taking Damon there and showing him my most favorite spot. He told me he could see why I chose it, but what he didn't understand is that this place was my calm within the storm. This location was my serenity in the middle of the chaos of a big city.

  "Yeah, I remember it."

  "He said he saw you there with a man."

  "Why didn't he say something? Brayden is my friend, and nothing happened with him. I would never have done anything to hurt Damon. He should know that better than anyone."

  I see Nora wince at my words, and I have to compose myself and realize who I'm talking to. She is who Damon loves.

  "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to sound..." I take a deep breath and tell her what I should have known before my wedding day. Looking back now, it's something that has probably been true since I spent those three weeks with Brayden. "I'm not in love with Damon."

  Her eyes soften and she smiles before continuing. "Lil, Damon and I talked about what he saw. I think he was hurt at first, but after a few days of talking it out, he realized something. He said you looked so happy and carefree when he saw you on that swing in the park, and he couldn't remember a time when your face glowed so much. He was overwhelmed, but also saddened because he wasn't the one putting that look on your face.

  "He does love you, Lil. I know he still does." A sad expression washed over Nora's face, which told me this was hard for her. I can relate, but it's also good to hear this from her and have some dialog after these past fe
w months. "I know loving someone for years doesn't just go away. It sticks with you, and I can respect that."

  I think about everything she said. Damon saw me with Brayden, but never told me about it. After his mood changed, he wouldn't come home until after I had gone to sleep or stayed out saying he was reading through depositions for work. Nora didn't say much but immersed herself in work, which I know now was surrounded by Damon. I felt alone by myself, and my wedding planner became my go-to girl when I wanted something to keep me busy. Being alone was bad. Being alone would allow myself to reply those memories of Brayden, and it hurt my heart that he wasn't there to experience things with.

  Searching through everything Brayden has made me feel over the last few weeks and the feelings I felt after I left him, it's still difficult to put into words what this is. Other people have seen the way he makes me feel. My parents' reactions to him was even something Damon didn't get right away. Some of his words and his sweet gestures are endearing and make me want to tell him these things I'm bottling up inside me.

  Not to mention being in his personal space. Something reaches to the depths of my belly and clenches the muscles as my nerves dance with anticipation awaiting his searing touch. I want to throw myself at him and never stop kissing him. I've never had to control an urge like this before. It's like my body is trying to tell me something my heart and mind are fighting to deny.

  It's then I know I have to let go of my hurt and mend the bridge that was broken. With my mind racing through all my emotions of Brayden, I know the right thing to do is to forgive Nora and move on.

  I leave forward and wrap her in a hug. One that isn't just about forgiving but about gluing back the pieces to a friendship I hope to keep. She hugs me back and I can hear her sobs. She repeats things like I'm so sorry Lil, I love you so much, I can't imagine my life without you, and You're my best friend. She's right. This woman is my best friend. I can't be hateful to someone I look at as my sister. I have to let go.

  I pull away slightly looking at her tear-stained face and red eyes. "I forgive you. I love you too."

  More tears fall, but I feel a large weight has lifted off of me. This baggage I've carried with me for almost four months is gone. I would rather not talk to Damon, but forgiving Nora is something I know I can handle.

  Chapter 23

  Brayden

  I have a bad feeling. Not one of those tremors in the night when someone will jump out at you either. I would take that over this overwhelming bad nervousness lying in the pit of my stomach. It's as if something horrible is going to happen. It doesn't emanate from that odd twin bond some people say they have with their sibling. At least I don't think it does. I just have to try and stomp it out and focus my attention toward Lil.

  Over the last week and a half, Lillian and I have done almost everything together. We've visited some of the same places we did all those months ago and not once has it felt strained or awkward. It's nice and she seems more at ease knowing her and Nora talked. She says she's not ready to jump back into full disclosure with her, but I completely understand why. That's a hurt I don't think most friendships can jump back from.

  George pulled through his surgery perfectly as we all prayed he would. Once he was released four days later, he and his wife decided to relax in Tampa with Lil and I until we flew back home, which is tomorrow.

  Lil's editor and chief has been in contact with her regarding the staff position that she’s extremely looking forward to it. Her first shoot is scheduled for the day after our return, and I can tell she's more than happy to get in her studio.

  I’ve noticed her camera in her hands less than before, and I'm glad she's becoming more open with me. She's given me a more in-depth look into her friendship with Nora and how she met Damon. I would like to say I'm not jealous when she brings him up, but that would be a big fat lie.

  I am jealous. I'm jealous he got to spend so much time with her. I'm jealous he was with her for years and got to experience many different sides to her without the hurt she's feeling now. She was more carefree than she is now. I'm jealous he asked her to marry him and she said yes. Even though we've never talked about it, I'm jealous she lost her virginity with him. The green of jealousy has taken hold within me for the first time in my life. However, one thing is certain, when I hold her hand, wrap her in a warm embrace, or when she smiles and it's meant only for me, the green slowly fades away and hope takes its place.

  Over these last ten days here in Tampa, I've come to see some sides of Lil that I never got to see. The love and admiration she has for her parents melts me and makes me want to give her that. Make her my wife and give her children that’ll look at her the way she looks at her parents.

  That last statement is what leaves me in the predicament I find myself in today. Alone in the same coffee shop I met her in while she spends some time with her parents. I've been here for over an hour and I'm no closer to a solution than I was when I made the choice.

  I've chosen Lillian.

  As I sorted through my feelings for Addison last night, I came to the conclusion that she and I are very good friends. Yes, we've slept together, and I love her. But I can't make a promise to God, my friends, and family to someone who doesn't capture my heart like Lil does.

  "Excuse me."

  I look up to a gentleman in a grey suit holding a to-go cup of coffee that brings my focus to the here and now.

  "Yes?"

  "What's your name?"

  That's an odd question to ask another guy, but whatever, I'll go with it. Maybe I know him from work. Last time I was here my focus was elsewhere, so I stick out my hand.

  "Brayden Knight." The gentleman takes my hand with his own. A little too strong. "And you are?"

  "Damon Nicholson."

  There is only one Damon I know of, but I have no idea if this is him. Lil's never told me his last name, and I don't want to assume.

  "Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Nicholson. Would you like to sit?"

  He nods before placing his coffee cup on the table and taking the seat across from me. He doesn't say anything at first. Just silently assesses me. I don't let it bother me though. I've done the whole stare down thing in meetings before.

  "I take it you know who I am?" He asks.

  "I have a feeling, but I'm not one to assume anything."

  Yep. This is him. The guy who hurt Lil, her ex-fiancé. I don't know whether to be shocked that he knows who I am or pissed and punch him in his face. I guess I'm a bit of both, and because I know Lil would be upset if I hit him, I refrain.

  "What can I do for you?"

  "I'm not entirely sure, Mr. Knight. I didn't really have any kind of speech prepared for this. Once perhaps, but now." He takes a breath and a sip of his caffeine. "Has she told you what happened?"

  I nod. "Some...most I believe."

  "Then let me try and fill you in. She refuses to speak with me, and I can see why. I hurt her, and that's something I can never take back. However, I am not a spiteful person even if she made you believe otherwise."

  "Let me stop you right there," I say as I hold up one hand. "Lillian has made no accusations nor has she ever spoken ill of anyone she's mentioned to me. I doubt the woman has a hateful bone in her entire body. I would appreciate it if you kept comments like that to yourself."

  He tenses at my outburst, but that doesn’t deter him from continuing. "Forgive me. I'm not here to give you the third degree or beg to see her. She's her own person, and if she finds it in her heart to forgive me, I’ll gladly accept what I can.” He clears his throat, takes a sip of his coffee, then begins again, "I saw you here and thought I would speak with you about what I wanted to tell Lil...Lillian."

  "I can't promise to relay a message, but if she asks I’ll tell her."

  He nods his head in agreement. "I saw you both a few months before our wedding day. I wanted to surprise her for lunch, and I knew where she'd be. It's her favorite spot. Did you know?"

  I try to think back to the day in question. L
il showed me many of her favorites over the course of three weeks, but her favorite place instead of her favorite things. Wait. The lone swing.

  "The calm within the storm," I say plainly reiterating the nickname she gave the white swing hanging from a huge tree in a small park not far from her house.

  "She called it that?" He questions pulling my thought away from what Lillian looked like that day.

  "Yeah. She said it was a peaceful place in the middle of chaos. I believe she got it right."

  A smile tugs at his lips, and I know he must be remembering something about Lil too. The green tinge of jealousy is there, but I push it back with the thought of her smile for me.

  "I went to surprise her. She would usually either be in that swing or laying on the grass with her camera in her hand. The woman loves to take pictures."

  "I'm well aware," I interject, a hint of a growl escapes my lips.

  "What stopped me was the way she looked at you. Even from across the park, there was no denying her feelings. It cut me deeper than any knife could. I stood there for almost twenty minutes watching you two talk and laugh. It was one of the worst kinds of pain I've ever felt."

  Without really knowing who Damon was, I could at least tell he was honest about this. If I went through what he did, I'm sure I would feel the same way. The woman I'm in love with showing those emotions to another man would definitely rip me open. But I feel the need to explain since he's never gotten that yet.

  "Lil and I were only friends. She made that plain the day I met her...here actually," as I make a motion to the coffee shop. "I am not the kind of man who would deliberately disregard a woman's commitment, and she's not the type of woman who takes commitment lightly." Trying to bring home the point we never did anything because Lil was committed to him.

  "Understood. However, it's not what we had that gave me a change of heart." He takes a deep breath like he's about to say something monumental. "I've always loved Nora. She just kept pushing me on Lily. So, instead of getting a brush off again, I started dating Lillian. I grew to love her despite my feelings for Nora. I never told Lily because I didn't want to hurt her and know I felt that way toward her best friend. Instead, I decided to push out my love for Nora and focus on my relationship with Lily.