Brendan returns and hands my phone back to me without a word. I don't know who he called, and I don't care. I have no power to fix this. No control on the outcome of the situation. I feel like a scared boy with no idea how to proceed.
Another hour passes before the nurse approaches us. "Mr. Knight?"
My brother and I look up into the eyes of a nurse. Her eyes widen probably unsure of who to address. "Um...Miss James is in intensive care unit room 3 if you both would like to follow me."
We follow without a word. The nurse guides us through corridors around corners and stops outside the ICU. She presses a large metal button with a handicap symbol on it and the double doors swing open. I take a deep breath unknowing of what I'm going to be walking into. Brendan squeezes his arm around my shoulders to show his support.
"Come on Bray. I'm right here. She's gonna be alright. She's gotta be alright."
With strength I didn't knew I still possessed, I take the horrifying twenty steps to stand in front of room 3. When I look up, Addison is sleeping in the bed with so many wires and cords attached to machines beeping and showing readings. She has a tube down her throat while air is being pumped into her lungs, and her right leg’s in a cast. My body starts to quake. This beautiful woman who has supported me through things that no other woman would is lying broken in a hospital bed, and I have no idea if she'll survive.
My knees give out, but my brother is right there to catch me. "This isn't happening. Tell me this isn't happening brother." My voice is weak with unshed tears. I know I have to be strong, but how can I be with one of my best friends in a coma unsure if she'll even wake up?
Brendan pulls a chair on either side of Addy's bed. He goes to her left while I go to her right. He sits just staring at her while swiping the pad of his thumb over the inside of her wrist. It's the most intimate simple gesture he's ever publicly made with a woman. When I look up to his face, tears are running down his face.
I'm not saying men shouldn't cry or we're weak for showing emotion. What has me confused is that I have never...and I mean never...seen my brother cry before. I don't have any clue how to start this conversation.
"What's going on Bren?"
He looks toward me, closes his eyes, and then shakes his head before moving his focus back to Addy. "I can't Bray. I promised myself I would never be that brother. I can't."
"Brendan, I tell you everything. I told you about Lillian even when I knew it was an asshat thing to lie to her and Addy. I tell you everything. The least you can do is tell me what's going on."
He focuses on Addy. His soft motions with his thumb haven't stopped nor has he removed his hand from around her limp one. Although his eyes are red and match mine, what I see in his is something I thought I would never see, especially toward my fiancée.
For some reason, rage ignites inside of me. Has my brother hidden his feelings for Addison for this long? Surprisingly, some of their comments start to make sense. Have they been going behind my back for the past three years? My own brother. The one person I trusted my entire life is in love with my fiancée and possibly betraying me. This is the reason Addison was so forthcoming for me to go to Lillian four months ago and separating to explore my feelings for Lillian recently.
I jump out of my chair and my strength forcing the chair backwards. Brendan's head snaps up from his gaze on Addy to look at me. "Are you fucking kidding me right now, Brendan?"
"It's not like that. I never meant for this to happen."
"And to think I was a fool for having conflicting feelings between Addy and Lillian. This whole time you two were going behind my back, and I was the damn fool. You're my damn brother."
"Nothing happened."
"I don't give a shit. We're you two playing me this entire time? Fuck! All those times you said you would look out for her. That’s what you call looking out for her, Bren?"
"Bray-"
"I don't want to hear a fucking thing from you. I'm leaving. I'll have Candice get updates."
"Bray, wait-" I heard Brendan plead as I storm out of the ICU, through the hospital corridors, and toward the darkening New York sky.
I just start walking without a destination mind. How could I have been so blind to what my brother feels for Addison? He's always been a playboy unable to keep a relationship or rather he doesn't want a relationship. I know my parents' situation messed him up, but there has to be some reason at twenty-nine he doesn't want to rid himself of the constant flings and find someone to settle down with. God, now it makes sense. He never wanted a relationship with those women because he's wanted Addison the entire time.
Somehow, I've made it into Central Park and sat down on an empty bench. I have to get right with all of this. I need to work this out in my head. I need to start with facts. Separate them from assumptions. Work it out in my head.
Addy. I love Addison. She's one of my best friends. Yes, I'm engaged to her, but her and I don't have the connection like Lillian and I have. I've always felt proposing to Addison wasn't right, until I figured Lillian was already married. God that's so messed up. I asked Addy to marry me because she was my second best.
Lillian. I love her, but I'm also in love with her. I don't want to be separated from her. Everything about her calls to me on some primal level that I can't explain. I asked her father for permission to marry her seeing as though I'm still in an engaged relationship with Addy. I didn’t get a “no,” but looking back it was another dickhead move.
My brother. Dammit. The one person I trust above no other. I can't believe he would do something like this. However, I can't sit here and honestly believe my brother would go behind my back and betray my trust, even if he knew I had feelings for Lil. He couldn't have formed feelings for Addy in spite of my obvious affections toward Lillian.
Now Addy is lying in the hospital in a coma not knowing if she's going to be alright, and I made an asshole of myself flipping out toward my only brother. I need to make this right. But how am I going to do that?
Chapter 27
Lillian
Although my time with Addison revealed some important aspects to our dynamic, I didn't really process them until I sat down with Riley a half hour ago. I knew I would need to disclose things to Riley eventually, but I wanted to be sure. Sure of what exactly, I don't know. Part scared and part unsure of how she would look at me I guess. Needless to say, I'm glad I'm finally able to talk with her openly about my feelings, and she’s here to give me a friendly opinion on my current predicament.
"You had a whole lot more crap going on than you lead me to believe didn't you?"
I let out a small laugh. "Yeah."
"Well, what do you wanna touch on first? You obviously need to sort through all of this before seeing him again." Riley takes her wine glass and rests it on her knee that's folded over the other. She looks like my own personal shrink, and 100% my best friend right now.
"I dunno really. I'm so confused. I know I love him. God, just saying it out loud seems weird. Geez, for months, Riley, months I thought of nothing but him. I practically moved here because of him. If that's not crazy I don't know what is."
"No. What's crazy is not telling him how you feel. This is why people get stuck in relationships they hate because they don't voice their feelings. You were in love with Damon before, and you were completely honest with Brayden. Damon and Nora made a choice to tell you how they felt. Granted, they definitely chose the most inopportune time to be honest with you, but they were honest.
"Think of how you would have felt if you married Damon out of obligation than out of love. Come on Lil, before you walked up to Damon you thought of Brayden. That's a sign if I ever heard one."
I sigh and sink more into my couch. She's right. I can analyze that day over and over in my head, and always end up at the same conclusion...Damon and I were never meant to be.
From the moment I met Brayden, something inside me changed. Maybe, my heart was always waiting for him. Soul mates. Love at first sight. The one. I really
think of how true all of these words describe the situation between Brayden and me. I've always wanted that connection with someone. A person who holds my heart, whose love can ease my worry, whose arms can shelter me, and whose touch can make all the bad disappear.
Brayden does all those things for me.
"But I feel like his engagement is ending because of me. He does love Addy, and he's going to be hurting." Then it dawns on me. "She's probably talking with him right now, and he's breaking down. Blaming me."
"Lily, haven't you heard anything these people have been telling you?"
I just look into the green of my Stella bottle for the answers to all my questions. Nope...nothing. Instead, I shrug.
"Brayden flew down to Tampa to be with you because he knew you needed him. Addison talked to you and said she knows Brayden is in love with you and you guys should be together. Nora was telling you that Damon saw you happy at that park. You yourself said you're in love with Brayden.
"So, why is it that you have all of these people offering you insights, but you can't see what you so obviously should do?"
"I don't know Riley." This is where my emotional gate breaks, and all my insecurities and fears spill out. "I'm terrified Brayden will hate me once Addison breaks their engagement. I know he loves her, but when he finds out his girlfriend of three years is cutting him off, I know it’ll hurt him. What kind of person would I be if I was conveniently there to pick up the pieces? Like I was waiting for her to split up with him so I could have him. That would make me a horrible person.
"I can see he cares for me. I mean, he wouldn't have bought me a ticket or done all the other kind gestures if he didn't care, but love? Come on, Riley."
She continues to sip her wine, and I can see her mulling over everything I've said. "I'm going to say something really cliché, but I believe it's the best thing for this situation. Love is about taking risks. You're never guaranteed the person will return your affections, but there's always hope they do. The risk. The leap of faith. The I'm-going-to-jump-of-the-bridge-and-hope-you'll-follow.
"You know the best thing about the risk is?" I just stare giving a one shoulder shrug. "The reward. The reward in that the person who you've spilled your heart out to will return your affections with their own. That is the best part about the jump. That someone will be there to catch you."
"I don't know Riley. What if I'm there to take the leap and he's not there with me?"
That is the scariest thing in all of this. My depth of feelings for Brayden won't be reciprocated. I'll be alone in my affections.
"Then he is the stupidest, most undeserving man I have ever met. Anyone, and I mean anyone, you pour your heart out to should be lucky to have your love. If he's not there to catch you, then he's not the man I thought he was."
We both sit there listening to music when I hear my voicemail alert sound. I never heard the phone ring, but it's funny like that sometimes. I'd rather not listen to it and continue to be lost in thought, but if it's something with my dad or my job, I should listen to it.
I swipe the screen and see it's from Brayden. That's odd. He never leaves a voicemail. Always a text or a missed call. I press speaker and the message begins to play out loud.
"Lillian. It's Brendan. Addison was in a car accident when she left you. We're at Roosevelt Hospital now. I think my brother really needs you. Get here as soon as you can. Thanks."
I look up to Riley who's leaning over watching my phone like something else is going to happen. I'm stunned that Brayden didn't call me, but even more confused as to why his brother would. If Brayden wanted me there, then he should have called. However, if he was too distraught to call, maybe he needs me there as a friend.
"Lil, he needs you now," Riley says making me realize I need to make a choice.
"I can't tell him. Not now. Not knowing what feelings he has for her or if she even told him that the engagement is over."
Riley grabs my shaking hands and guides me to the couch. "Hey. You don't need to tell him all of that now, but be there for him. Addison sounds like a cool chick, and she obviously likes you. Be there for him and support him. That's all you can do right now."
"O-okay."
******
I make it to Roosevelt Hospital a little later than I expected to. When I left Riley, I wandered around for a while. I walked all over. I'm not adverse to taking a cab, but I needed time to just let things sink in. I should have gone straight to Brayden, but something kept me from running straight to him.
Night has fallen as I walk through the doors of the hospital and ask where I might find Mrs. James' room. They young receptionist directs me to the intensive care unit. When the ICU is in view, I note the visiting hours end in thirty minutes. I shouldn't stay longer than that anyway.
As I push the big metal square to open the double doors, dread sweeps through me. I don't want to see this beautiful woman hurting and I don't want to witness Brayden breaking. However, regardless of my apprehension, I know I'm about to see both.
The nurse I'm greeted with at her station walks to the ledge. "How can I help you, ma'am?"
"I was told that Addison James was admitted this afternoon. Her fiancé told me to meet them here."
"He's in with her now. Should I tell him you're here?"
I think about that for a second. I know I shouldn't be here, but I still came against my better judgment. "No, I'll just stand at the door. Please don't alert them."
"Room 3." The nurse tilts her head in the direction of the room, and I can see a bit of Brayden's suit as he sits next to her bed.
I walk quietly and stand with my body against the door frame and my head peeking into the room. It's there I see Addison's body in a state of unconsciousness. Beeps and noises are the only things I hear until my ears pick up on the sound of crying.
Brayden's shoulders are shaking as he holds Addy's hand and rubs his thumb over the inside of her wrist. I want to go to him. I want to wrap my arms around him and be his support. To show him I can be a rock like he's been to me. Before I'm able to pick up my foot, his sad voice speaks to her.
"Addy, I'm so sorry. God, come back to me." More beeps and a whoosh sound before he begins again. "I love you. Do you hear me? I love you so much." Inhale and whoosh again as my heart breaks further. "Come back to me, baby. Don't let go. I'm nothing without you." And he resumes crying.
Just like on the day of my wedding, my heart that I thought was beginning to repair itself is now broken and shattered on the ground again.
I feel like a voyeur watching this intimate moment between Brayden and his fiancée. Even if I wanted to give him strength right now, I have nothing to offer because it's all there on the linoleum of the hospital floor.
I back away and wipe my tears as the nurse eyes me curiously. I don't want to talk or say anything else. I was a fool to think he would even think of loving me. I don't care what anyone's said. He loves Addison. Even if I wanted to jump now, I know he wouldn't be there to catch me.
I walk out of the hospital trying not to replay the moments we shared together, the thoughtfulness he's shown me especially since we've met back up, or the gaze of his warm brown eyes. I can't let this break me. I can't go back to the broken person I was when I moved here, but I know I’ll never be the same.
I need to recover, and I know there's only one way to do that. I need to cut him out of my life for good. No pictures, no gifts, no notes, no nothing. I need to purge him and as quick as possible.
Thinking of everywhere I have something that reminds me of him, I choose to hit my studio first. I hail a cab that brings me straight to my studio. I go for the new pictures I got today, and I start to cry. I box them and remind myself to figure out what to do with them. Maybe I can send them to Addison as a gift. He'll never let her go, and they both deserve to be happy.
My next stop is my apartment. I practically run to get there and cleanse my personal space of anything Brayden related. His lonely picture gets put into the box with the jellyfish nec
klace. I'm sad to see them go, but I know I need to do this. I set the box aside and search for my phone. I would call Nora now, but it's not her number I dial and hear after the second ring.
"Lily, how'd it go?"
I break loose. My tears rain down from my face as my sobs get louder and more erratic.
"He's not going to catch me, Riley."
"Oh, honey, I'm on my way."
Chapter 28
Brendan
For two weeks, I've called and left messages for Addison, and for two weeks, she's avoided me completely. I know it was a stupid thing to drink to the point of stupidity, but I couldn't seem to stop myself.
Moreover, what was worse was being that inebriated and having to rely on Addy to get me home. I know I said some things that she may had taken badly, but I could swear I passed out before I said anything else. She was gentle as she stroked her fingers through my hair, which allowed me to fall in the best sleep I could imagine.
However, it wasn't falling asleep that was the problem. It was waking up. Alone.
Since that night, I can't get her out of my head. She occupies my thoughts and dreams. Every time my cell rings I think it's her. I'm quite possibly losing my mind. If I thought my mind was consumed by her before, now I've gone completely insane.
The worse part of all of this wasn’t being able to show her the affection I so desperately wanted to. Holding her hand. Caressing her cheek. Kissing her lips. I was driving myself to the brink with wanting her.
I knew then I needed to come clean with my brother and the only way would be in person. I would lock him in, explain my feelings for Addy, and hoped that by the time the punches stopped, if we fought, he would know how much I wanted to be with her. I just couldn't sit by and have them get married when I knew with the utmost certainty I was in love with her.
Doubting Our Hearts Page 21