by Ber Carroll
I want to love you in your bed, with all your girly things around us – pink sheets, soft toys …
Jodi tore it up when she finished, the tiny pieces fluttering into her plastic rubbish bin. She was frightened. The letter had moved things onto another level. He had never been so graphic before, so sordid. It seemed as if he wouldn’t be able to contain himself to words for much longer.
Jodi thanked God for Alison’s spare mattress. From now on she would stay with her friend as much as possible. Until she was eighteen and got her own place.
Being rushed to hospital from a university social function had another consequence that Jodi didn’t discover until she went to class on Monday morning. She sat down next to Alison and didn’t notice the administration assistant handing a slip of paper to the lecturer.
He looked at the slip of paper and then at his students. It was too early in the year to know any of them by name.
‘Can Jodi Tyler, if she’s present, go straight to the dean’s office, please?’
Jodi, who was busy taking her textbook from her satchel, didn’t register that she was being called until Alison gave her a nudge.
‘That’s you, sleepyhead.’
‘Oh.’
‘He must have heard about Friday night,’ Alison whispered.
‘Oh no.’ Jodi was suddenly very scared. ‘Can you get expelled from university? Or does that only happen at school?’
Alison shrugged. ‘I don’t know.’
Her face white, Jodi walked out of the lecture theatre. She didn’t know the location of the dean’s office but guessed it was somewhere upstairs. She walked along the blue-carpeted corridors, which formed a square around the perimeter of the building, and checked each varnished door for his name. Eventually, after doing nearly a full circuit, she found it. The door was open.
‘I’m Jodi Tyler,’ she announced to the secretary who sat inside.
The secretary, casually dressed in jeans and a plunging top, looked at Jodi over the top of her glasses.
‘Go along in. He’s waiting for you.’
Jodi knocked carefully on the door behind the secretary’s desk. She didn’t want the rapping to sound too harsh or too meek. But maybe her fate was decided regardless.
‘Come in,’ she heard him say.
She took a deep breath and pushed the brass door handle downwards.
‘Sit down,’ she was instructed before she had the chance to get her bearings.
The dean sat behind a large desk that overflowed with books and paperwork. In fact, the whole room was overflowing, the shelving on the walls chock-a-block too.
The dean regarded her with a grave expression. His hands, clasped together, rested on the desk, and his grey eyes were narrowed. Jodi tried not to squirm.
‘Have you recovered from Friday night?’ he asked in his clipped upper-class voice.
She nodded, feeling like a schoolgirl.
‘Do you have a problem with alcohol? Do you need help?’
‘No.’ Her voice sounded breathless. ‘I don’t drink much at all – I think that was the problem.’
He seemed unswayed by her denial. ‘The university provides excellent counselling services.’
Jodi raised her chin. ‘Thank you, but counselling isn’t necessary. What happened on Friday night was something I have no intention of repeating.’
‘The university expects its students to be responsible in relation to the consumption of alcohol, especially when on campus, as you were on Friday night.’
Jodi nodded, not wanting to repeat that it had been a one-off.
Professor Phelps unclasped his hands. He pushed back from his desk and, when he stood, Jodi took it as her cue to stand too.
‘Your records say you’re doing a double degree,’ he commented, coming around the desk.
‘Yes,’ she confirmed.
‘Commerce and Economics are a powerful combination in the employment market,’ he said measuredly. ‘But it’s very elite – only those with the best marks get chosen.’
He opened the door for her to leave.
Jodi looked up at him and said, ‘I can assure you, Professor, the next time you hear of me will be because I have got the best marks.’
He looked taken aback by her confidence. She was taken aback herself!
She turned to go.
‘I’ll watch out for those marks, Jodi Tyler,’ she heard him say before his door clicked shut.
Chapter 12
Over the next few months Jodi went to extra lengths with her assignments and studied late every night. Her efforts paid off and she sailed through the exams at the end of the first semester. She daydreamed of Professor Phelps sitting in his cluttered office, smiling when he saw her results. She had something of a crush on the professor, the first crush she’d had since Nicholas Green.
Her eighteenth birthday fell in the holidays after the exams. Shirley insisted on throwing a party.
‘Invite all your friends,’ she said. ‘Numbers don’t matter!’
Jodi, knowing that soon she would be bursting her mother’s bubble by moving out, allowed herself to be carried along with the party plans. She invited Alison and two other girls, Jane and Amanda, from university. She also invited a few people from the surf club, including Sue. Unfortunately, Samantha, her old friend from school, couldn’t come because she worked in a bar on Saturday nights.
‘I’ve invited your father,’ Shirley announced a few days before the party.
‘Are you sure that’s a good idea?’ Jodi asked, not wanting her mother to be on edge all night.
‘We’re both happy with other people now,’ Shirley smiled, a little sadly. ‘I think it’s high time we buried the hatchet – and what better occasion than our daughter’s eighteenth birthday?’
Jodi worried that the mix of guests would turn toxic. How would Alison, the only one who knew the truth, act around Bob? Did Grandma, and her aunts and uncles, still bear a grudge against her father and his second wife? And would Sue, who was healthy and fit, find her family overweight and too fond of their alcohol?
To hell with them if they don’t get on, she thought as she dressed for the party.
For too long she had compartmentalised her life, keeping every body and everything separate so that her awful secret wouldn’t be found out. She was turning eighteen, becoming a young adult. It was time to stop worrying, to be bolder.
Jodi heard a car pull up outside, the first of the guests, and gave her reflection one last critical look. Her face, with its foundation, mascara and lipstick, looked like a grown-up version of what she was used to seeing. Her golden hair was twisted and teased up into a funky style. The black party dress hugged her figure. She was as ready as she’d ever be.
The first guest turned out to be her father, Tony, with his wife, Grace. They’d been married for eight years and had six-year-old Cory, but Jodi still thought of Grace as her dad’s new wife. She saw her very rarely, usually only at Christmas. Tony was always on his own when he took Jodi out for a pizza or a movie over the school holidays. After a few hours he’d drop her home, his fathering complete for another few months.
Tonight Grace looked very glamorous with a pashmina around her shoulders and teeteringly high shoes. Shirley, who was wearing a new dress and had her hair styled for the occasion, seemed like a poor second cousin.
‘Happy birthday, pumpkin.’ Tony broke the awkwardness by giving Jodi a hug. ‘There’s five hundred dollars in there,’ he whispered as he slipped a card into her hand. ‘Spend it on something that’s important to you, okay?’
‘Thanks, Dad.’
Jodi noticed that he looked different.
He’s dyed his hair, she realised, his previously grey temples now a glossy and fake-looking jet black. His clothes were different too: a slimline shirt and chinos. He didn’t look like himself: he was trying too hard to look young.
Another awkward spell followed the hug. Then Bob trundled into the room, his face with its usual glisten of sweat.
‘Evening
all,’ he boomed, jutting his hand out at Grace, then Tony.
Shirley, her voice wavering a little, asked, ‘Champagne everyone?’
The other guests began to arrive. Grandma glared at Tony. Marlene tried to make conversation with Grace. Alison couldn’t stop glancing at Bob.
Jodi moved outside with her fizzing glass of champagne. Shirley had laced fairy lights around the deck and rented two long rectangular tables, one for the alcohol and the other for food. Jodi sipped the champagne slowly, very wary of alcohol since her overnight stay in hospital.
‘Hello, birthday girl.’ It was Sue. With her sandy hair and freckles, she could almost pass for one of Jodi’s university friends.
‘Hi, Sue.’ Jodi kissed her cheek affectionately.
‘Having a good time?’
Jodi’s eyes rested on Grandma, who was sitting with her walking stick poised between her legs and didn’t look very happy at all. Right behind her was Bob, guzzling a bottle of beer.
‘Trying to,’ she replied with a little more honesty than usual. ‘Just worried about my Grandma whacking my dad with her stick, and my stepfather falling down drunk …’
Sue laughed. ‘That’s what parties are all about!’
Jodi laughed too. ‘I’m glad you could come tonight.’
She knew it wasn’t easy for Sue to get away: she had twin boys in their terrible twos and her husband was hopeless at settling them down for the night.
Jodi liked and admired her coach. Sue had a warm heart and really cared about the kids in the club. She was also a superb athlete in her own right.
‘Those were good times you did earlier today,’ Sue said in reference to their training session that morning.
‘Need to do better if I’m to have a chance next January,’ Jodi replied with a grimace.
Sue smiled. ‘There’s plenty of time yet.’
The Ironwoman Series was still six months away. Jodi did the heavy training at weekends, but managed to get a run or a swim in on most weekdays too. She was fitter and stronger than ever, and some days she dared to hope that she would be a real contender for the title.
The sound of breaking glass caused them both to look around.
‘Clumsy oaf, I am.’ Bob grinned as he picked up the shattered glass from the floor.
Jodi’s mouth closed into a tight line.
Sue said nothing. She’d seen the stepfather, Bob, at some of the more important events over the years and couldn’t help but notice how Jodi, even when she was high on the euphoria of a win, always covered herself up before going near him.
Sue had given Jodi as much opportunity as possible to confide in her. Yet, even though the girl had opened up somewhat since starting university, she still held her cards close to her chest. All Sue could do was to continue coaching and supporting her, and hope that whatever was going on in Jodi’s home would sort itself out.
Tony and Grace, at a loose end, came over. Jodi made the appropriate introductions.
‘This is Sue, my coach. Sue, this is my dad, Tony … and Grace.’
Grace looked piqued at not being introduced as Tony’s wife.
‘We’d like to enrol our little boy in the local Nippers club,’ she said in her sugary voice. ‘What kind of activities do you do with them at that age, Sue?’
Seeing that she wasn’t needed to keep the conversation afloat, Jodi excused herself. She went over to check on her college friends.
‘Who’s the bloke in the blue T-shirt?’ Amanda asked, looking in the direction of the crowd from the surf club.
‘That’s Nicholas,’ Jodi replied nonchalantly, ‘the star of the club. He got to the semifinals of the Australian Surf Lifesaving Championships last year.’
‘Handsome and talented,’ Amanda commented in an approving tone. ‘Lucky you – training and getting sweaty alongside a hunk like him!’
Nicholas had lots of girls interested in him, but Jodi was no longer one of them. In fact, all of the boys at the club and at university seemed immature and unworldly when compared to Professor Phelps.
‘Do you want me to introduce you to him?’
‘No.’ Amanda shook her head confidently. ‘I reckon I can get him over here without your help.’
Sure enough, about ten minutes later, Nicholas came over and began to chat to Amanda. Jane went off to the bathroom, and Jodi had the chance to catch up with Alison.
‘Well, what do you think of my oddball family?’ she asked.
‘Your grandma asked me about my nose ring – does it hurt when I blow my nose? – your mum keeps bringing me around little plates of food – I must look as if I’m starving . . .’
Jodi laughed and then quickly became serious.
‘Bob’s really pissed,’ she whispered.
‘Are you worried?’
At that moment Jodi saw that Samantha, her old friend from school, had turned up after all. She gave her a welcoming hug and introduced her around. She didn’t get to answer Alison’s question.
Tony and Grace were the first to leave. They kissed Jodi’s cheek and promised to see her soon, even though they all knew it would be several months at least before any contact was made. The irony was that they only lived a half-hour’s drive away.
Sue was next to leave. ‘It was a lovely party,’ she said.
Jodi smiled. It had gone better than she had expected: there had been no family brawl and Bob, somehow, was still standing up.
‘I’ve hardly seen you all night,’ Grandma complained as she shuffled to the door, leaning her weight heavily on Auntie Marlene’s arm.
‘I had to mingle.’ Jodi kissed her soft wrinkly cheek.
Grandma eyed Jodi up and down. ‘It’s a lovely dress, but it doesn’t leave much to the imagination.’
‘She used to say the same to me,’ Shirley laughed when her mother had gone, ‘even when the dress was well below my knees.’
Amanda left with Nicholas, the two of them arm in arm. Jodi phoned a taxi for Jane and Alison who were heading back to the city.
‘Do you want to come with us?’ asked Alison.
Jodi remembered their unfinished conversation from earlier. She would have loved a carefree night on Alison’s spare mattress. She looked around at the empty glasses, crumpled tins and dirty plates that seemed to have been left in every nook and cranny of the house.
She sighed. ‘I’d better stay and help Mum clean up.’
‘Happy?’ Shirley asked as they started the big tidy-up.
‘Yeah – thanks for organising it.’
Jodi collected the crockery and scraped it clean. Shirley immersed the dishes into sudsy water and began to wash up. Bob sat outside, smoking a cigar, oblivious to the work going on around him.
‘I can’t believe you’re eighteen,’ Shirley sighed when Jodi picked up a tea towel to dry. ‘Seems like only yesterday I took you home from the hospital, a little pink bundle in my arms.’
‘Well, I’m all grown up now,’ Jodi replied pointedly. Then, before she lost her nerve, she added, ‘I want to move out, Mum.’
‘What’s the big rush?’ Shirley asked in a resigned tone.
‘The commute is almost two hours a day.’
‘How much will the rent cost?’
‘About a hundred a week, but I’ve already applied for part-time work at the college library.’
She also had the five hundred dollars from her dad: enough for a bond.
Shirley’s fingers squeaked as they rubbed the inside of a dirty glass. She said nothing for a while.
‘I suppose you’ll bring truckloads of laundry home at the weekends.’
Jodi went to sleep with a smile on her face. Her party had gone well, all things considered, and she finally had her mother’s approval to move out. Her life was shifting to a new phase, one where she could relax and not have the constant worry of Bob.
She woke after a short while, her mouth dry. She wet her lips, swallowed, and tried to go back to sleep. It was no use. She swung her legs out of bed and found her way
through the dark to the kitchen.
She turned the tap, filled a glass with water and gulped it back. It was deliciously cold, an instant balm to her mouth. She rinsed the glass and turned it upside down on the draining board. She was about to turn around to go back to bed when a hand, smelling of cigar smoke and spilt brandy, pressed over her mouth: Bob.
She tried to shrug him off. But she was no match for his bulk, his strength. He pulled her left arm high behind her back, the shoot of pain bringing an involuntary cry to her throat. His hand clamped harder against her lips, muting her cry. She tasted blood, its sweetness contrasting with the stale skin of his hand.
‘Lovely eighteen,’ he breathed in her ear. ‘At long, long last.’
She realised that this was what he had been building towards, all the letters over all the years, culminating to this point, her ‘coming of age’. He began to drag and pull her across the kitchen, in the direction of the back door. She could see now, as though a light had been switched on in the darkness, how deranged he was, how mad, and she was terrified because she knew what would happen if he managed to get her outside, away from her mother’s earshot. She grabbed at the counter top with her right hand, her fingers clinging to the edge, her nails bending back with the pressure. Her eyes focused frantically on the knife block, almost within reach. She lurched forward, desperation making her momentarily stronger than him. Her hand made contact with one of the knives and lifted it out in a clean sweep. The tip of the blade glinted as it sliced through the dark. Bob didn’t see it coming.
‘Arghhhh! You bitch!’
Warm liquid spurted her face and hair: blood. She screamed and tried to wipe it away.
‘You fucking bitch.’
He let go of her and she stumbled backwards. In the shadows she saw him pull the knife from his neck. For a moment she thought he was going to come after her with it. But he fell to his knees and it clattered to the floor.
The room was suddenly lit up. Shirley, her face shocked and grey, surveyed the scene before her: her daughter, wearing a cloak of blood; her husband, bent over on his knees, his mouth gurgling.
‘Jesus Christ!’ Her voice was so weak it could hardly be heard over Bob’s gurgling. ‘What have you done, Jodi?’