If I Can't Have You

by Patti Berg

  “Carole’s not going anywhere, but neither are you. I told Jack I’d quit if he got rid of you.”

  Janet tilted her head, her perfect brows raised in question. “You did?”

  “Of course I did. He didn’t care much for the position I’d put him in, so he informed me that if I didn’t fulfill my contractual obligations I’d never work in this town again. Then I reminded him that you can’t force someone to be a good actor if they don’t want to be.” Trevor winked. “It didn’t take long for him to see my point.”

  “You shouldn’t have done that, Trevor. Your career’s too important to you.”

  “You’re important, too, and I want you to be happy.”

  “Then come home with me tonight. I’ve got champagne chilling. I was hoping we might celebrate our success together.”

  Trevor shook his head, realizing too late that turning Janet down was a mistake.

  “Why?” she asked abruptly. “Are you spending the evening with Carole? She told me you’re lovers. She told me you’re thinking of moving into the beach house with her.”

  Trevor silenced her words with an index finger to her lips. “I have no interest at all in Carole. Don’t let her get to you. She’s just a selfish, lonely woman. I know she’s vindictive, but she can’t hurt you unless you let her.”

  “Then you don’t love her?”

  “No, I don’t.”

  “Do you love me?”

  “As a friend. The best of friends. I know you want more, but...”

  “But there’s another woman,” Janet interrupted. She sighed, and a faint, acquiescent smile slowly touched her lips. “As long as I know it’s not Carole, I suppose I can accept it.”

  Trevor swirled Janet twice around the floor, hoping to soften his rejection. He swayed with her, leading her toward one end of the ballroom, close to where Charlie Beck was snapping photos.

  Dancing nearly cheek to cheek, he whispered, “It’s hard to be in love with someone and not have the feeling returned, isn’t it?”

  “Very hard,” Janet acknowledged. “You must think I’m silly.”

  “No. You’re a sweet lady, and you deserve someone just as special.”

  She laughed lightly. “Most-men aren’t looking for a sweet lady.”

  “That’s not true. Charlie Beck’s in love with you. You do know that, don’t you?”

  Janet leaned back, and Trevor could see the familiar twinkle in her eyes. “He doesn’t hide it very well, does he?”.

  “He’d do anything for you if you gave him half a chance.”

  “He’s still a boy.”

  “He loves you,” Trevor stated, stressing the fact once more. “I hear he’s a good dancer, he’s got a promising career ahead of him as a photographer.”

  “He likes roses,” Janet said wistfully. “He was always so nice when he visited me in the hospital. I’d somehow forgotten that.”

  “He’s a good man, Janet.”

  “He’s not you, though.” Resting her cheek against his, Janet remained silent for several moments, obviously deep in thought. Finally, she said, “I suppose I’ve been holding on, hoping you’d forget that other woman and want me.”

  Trevor shook his head. “I can’t forget her.”

  He saw the sadness in Janet’s eyes, the hint of a tremble on her lips as she moved out of his arms. “Maybe I should ask Charlie to dance with me.”

  “He’d like that.” Trevor stroked away a tear from the corner of her eye, and smiled. “He might enjoy that champagne you have chilling at home, too.”

  “Possibly. Maybe he’ll even accompany me to Sparta tomorrow.”

  “I hope so.” He winked as Janet backed away. “I want to see you happy.”

  Trevor watched Janet’s gaze flicker from his eyes, to his lips, then back again. A hint of a smile tilted the corners of her mouth. She blew him a kiss, then spun around and glided across the floor to Charlie.

  She whispered something into Charlie’s ear, and his eyes beamed with joy as he pushed his camera to his side and took her into his arms.

  “Consorting with lunatics, I see,” Carole breathed in that deep, resonant voice that had long been her signature, along with pouting lips and curves shaped by the gods. “I just don’t understand you, Trev.”

  “What don’t you understand?” he asked, standing casually, his hands once again tucked into the pockets of his trousers, while Carole fingered the buttons of his coat.

  “I don’t understand why you’d want to spend time with a girl like her. Why you’ve changed so drastically.”

  “Changed?”

  “A year ago you were climbing into my bed every week or so. You’d treat me like a queen, even though you’d leave before morning. You used to take me dancing, buy me drinks. But you stopped—just like that,” she said, snapping her fingers in front of his face. “You’re just no fun anymore. No drinking. No smoking, and as far as I can determine, no sex, either. Has something gone wrong?” she asked, glancing slowly down his jacket and pausing briefly at a spot just below his stomach, before her gaze crawled up him again. “It’s such a pity, Trev.”

  “If you’re trying to find a way to determine if my manhood’s still intact, you’re failing miserably.”

  “Oh, Trev, darling. I’m only teasing.” She snaked a finger up his shirt and seductively stroked his ear and jaw. “I have no one to go home with tonight. How about you?” she cooed. “Wouldn’t you like to help me forget all those nasty things my ex said to me? Wouldn’t you like me to help you forget whatever it is that’s been troubling you all these months?”

  “Sorry, Carole, but I have other plans.”

  Her neck stiffened, and she drew her hand from his face. “With who? Not with Janet, I hope.”

  “Actually—”

  “That little bitch,” Carole spit out before Trevor could tell her he was going home to write a letter to the woman he loved.

  “She’s so damn sweet,” Carole continued to rave. “God, but she grates on my nerves. How could you possibly want a crazy woman like that?”

  “She’s a friend, Carole. A good friend. You should try to like her.”

  “You have such a bleeding heart. When will you ever learn that being nice gets you nothing in this world?”

  “And when will you ever learn that you can’t hide your fears behind an overblown ego?”

  “How dare you!” Carole snapped, swinging a hand toward Trevor’s face.

  He caught it just before it connected, and held on tight. “I dare because I did the same damn thing. If I’d kept on hiding, God only knows what would have happened. I drank too much. I thought it could mask all the hurt I was feeling inside, but it didn’t. It just made me drunk. So damn drunk that at times I didn’t know what I was doing.”

  “I don’t really care about your troubles,” Carole stated flatly, as she tried to pull away.

  “Well I care about yours.”

  “Like hell! No one cares. No one in this whole goddamned world cares about me. Not you, not my ex, not Jack Warner. No one. Now let go of my arm, so I can get out of this hole.”

  She jerked away and ran through the crowd, all eyes on her.

  Trevor plowed his fingers through his hair. What had he done? He’d made her angry. She’d even had tears in her eyes when she pulled away from him. Tears. Something he’d never seen on Carole Sinclair’s face—except when she was acting.

  But these tears weren’t part of a script. He had to go to her. He had to tell her he was sorry.

  A narrow path cleared as he stalked through the merry-making partygoers. He breezed past his friends in his rush to catch up with Carole, to apologize for his insensitive comments, but Janet caught his arm.

  There were tears in her eyes. “Please. Don’t go with her.”

  “She’s upset. She needs someone.”

  “Does she need you more than I did? Did you lie to me so you could go with her?

  Trevor shook his head. “No, I didn’t lie.”

  �
�Then don’t go.”

  “I need to apologize to her, that’s all.”

  “That’s never all there is where Carole’s concerned. She’ll dig her claws in you and never let you go.” A tear trickled down Janet’s cheek. “Please, Trevor. You told me to ignore her. You should do the same thing.”

  Trevor knew Janet was right, but he couldn’t let Carole leave angry. He’d apologize, and then he’d return to the party.

  Charlie sauntered out of the crowd and slid an arm around Janet’s waist. “Come dance with me, Janet.”

  She wiped the tear from her face and looked at Charlie, offering him a trembling smile. “Did you ask the band to play my favorite song?”

  “Of course I did. I asked them to play a few others, too. I thought we could dance all night—if you’re willing.”

  “I’d like that,” she said, and turned to Trevor once more.

  “Let her go, Trevor. Be good to yourself for a change. You don’t have to help everyone.”

  She swept long fingernails gently over his cheek, smiled weakly, and headed for the dance floor with Charlie.

  Trevor took a deep breath. All he planned to do was apologize for his heartless words, then he’d come back inside and watch Charlie persuade Janet to love him.

  He caught up with Carole as she stepped into her chauffeur-driven Lincoln. He climbed in after her, hoping she’d accept his apology, then listen to reason and keep away from the beach house. Logic told him he should stay as far away as possible from Carole tonight. Yet, even though he was trying to change the future, he had a horrid fear that something might happen to Carole if he left her alone.

  “Don’t go,” he said softly, repeating Janet’s steady refrain as he took a seat on the cold black leather and wrapped his fingers lightly around Carole’s arm.

  Once more she jerked away and anger flashed in her eyes. “Get your hands off of me. I don’t want you or anyone else telling me what to do or what’s wrong with my life.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Save your sorries for simpering bitches like Janet. I don’t need to hear them.”

  “Stay here, Carole. We’ll get coffee and talk”

  “Coffee? Talk?” She laughed. “You think I still want to give you another chance to prove you’re a man?”

  “I think you don’t want to be alone, that’s all.”

  “Go to hell.”

  “I’ve been there already. I have no intention of going back.”

  She laughed again. “You’re just as demented as your little friend.”

  She knocked on the glass that separated her from the driver. “You’d better get out, Trev. I plan on getting the hell out of here, and the sooner the better.”

  He touched her arm one more time, and she jerked away. “Get out.”

  Tears streamed down her face as she screamed the words. She was lonely, tortured, and she needed someone desperately.

  He should stay with her.

  No, he should climb out of the car right now, and stay the hell away from her.

  The Lincoln’s engine started, and he took a deep breath, rehashing his options, then closed his eyes and prayed that he’d made the right decision.

  oOo

  July 4, 1938

  Trevor gazed at the fireworks exploding over the swaying palms and the magnificent columns of Sparta, lighting the midnight sky with a profusion of sparkling colors. Off in the distance he could hear laughter and loud voices ringing out as partygoers celebrated Independence Day.

  But Trevor couldn’t bring himself to celebrate.

  Carole Sinclair was dead.

  History had repeated itself. In spite of his efforts in the past year to change the course of events, Carole Sinclair still was dead.

  He’d failed.

  He stood on one of the terraces which was fragrant with roses and honeysuckle, and looked down at the Grecian temple that stood solemnly beside the Poseidon Pool. Once he’d tried to end his life there, now he wanted to go back to the life that held his fondest memories. He prayed he would not fail again.

  With one hand tucked in the pocket of his crisply pleated trousers, he ignored the rain of firelight in the sky and cast his eyes downward to study the reflection of a million sparkles on the calm surface of the water.

  From the corner of his eye he saw movement on the stairs leading to the pool. It was the shadow of a woman dressed in flowing white, and for one heart-wrenching moment, he thought—he hoped—it was Adriana. And then he realized—it was only Janet Julian.

  He watched her walk slowly and gracefully past the temple and stop at the edge of the pool. Her long gown was pale pink, not white, and it swirled at her feet. She looked sweet and innocent, like a girl at her first cotillion. But instead of laughing and acting carefree, she looked just as troubled and tortured as he. Carole would still be alive if...

  What good did it do to dwell on it. Carole was dead. If he tried a thousand times, he doubted he could change the tragic circumstances of the night before. Maybe he wasn’t supposed to. Maybe some things just couldn’t be changed.

  From where he stood, he could hear Janet’s sobs. Her head had bent in sorrow, and she’d covered her face with her hands. He wished that he, too, could cry, but no amount of tears would bring Carole back.

  The sudden crash, crackle, and bang of the fireworks exploding in the sky caught his attention, and he ran his fingers through thick ebony hair, combing back the lock that insisted on falling over his forehead when caught in the cool night breeze. He wished that he could celebrate. He wished that Carole was alive and that Janet was happy. But those things weren’t meant to be. When... if he could return to Adriana, he’d just have to forget. He could do nothing else.

  Taking a deep breath, he sucked in the scents of star jasmine, closely clipped grass, the obtrusive smoke and gunpowder from the Fourth of July festivities, and, from a distance, the salt air of the Pacific Ocean that he loved. He’d done the same things before. He’d given up hope the last time. This time, hope was all he had to hang on to. As soon as Janet left the Poseidon Pool, he’d walk into the water, float facedown, and hope when he woke, he’d be in Adriana’s arms once again.

  Janet was gone when he turned toward the temple. The fireworks had stopped exploding, and only dim light brightened the pool—and the silky pink fabric that floated on the surface.

  Oh, God!

  He ran across the terrace, leaped over a hedge, and raced down the stairs, two and three at a time.

  Please, Lord. Let her be alive. Please.

  He rounded the temple and dived into the water. He was at Janet’s side in less than a moment, pulling her limp body close as he made his way back to the marble steps leading out of the water.

  Charlie was waiting at poolside, his face filled with fear, and Trevor placed Janet into Charlie’s outstretched arms.

  Trevor took a few deep breaths, then felt like a helpless bystander as Charlie knelt on the marble and cradled Janet in his arms. Slowly her eyes opened, and even through the pool water streaming down her face, he could see the flow of tears.

  “It’s my fault. It’s all my fault,” she sobbed. “She’d still be alive if it wasn’t for me.”

  “Don’t say that, Janet,” Charlie whispered. “Please. She’s dead. There’s nothing you or anyone else can do now. Just try to forget everything.”

  “I wish I could. Oh, I wish I could.”

  Janet buried her head into Charlie’s shoulder, and she continued to weep as he stood with her cradled in his arms.

  “I’m going to take her inside,” Charlie said to Trevor. “See if I can find someplace quiet and let her rest.”

  “I’ll go with you,” Trevor said.

  Water dripped from his tuxedo and Janet’s gown as they walked in silence up stairs that led them across deserted terraces rather than the crowded ones, and entered the mansion through one of the back doors.

  There was a small reading room just off the library that Trevor led Charlie to, and Janet c
urled up on the black-leather sofa where Charlie had laid her.

  Trevor poured a snifter of brandy, and held it out to Janet.

  “Drink this,” he said, not knowing what else to do or say. “It might warm you up a bit.”

  She took the glass with trembling fingers. “I wanted to die,” she cried. “It’s all my fault that Carole’s dead. It’s all my fault.”

  Charlie helped her to sit up, and she took a sip of the brandy. The eyes that had smiled at him last night were vacant now, glazed over in a look Trevor remembered so well. It was the same empty stare she’d worn the first time he’d seen her at Magnolia Acres.

  She drank the rest of the brandy and held the empty glass out to Charlie. “Thank you, dearest,” she said, as he took it from her fingers “You’re so good to me. So very, very good.”

  She tilted her head to look at Trevor and smiled. “You really shouldn’t be here, you know. You should be with your mystery woman. She must miss you.”

  She said the words as if she knew he was going away, as if she knew the future.

  “I wanted to make sure you were okay, first,” he said.

  “Charlie’s with me. He’s always with me. Go now, Trevor. Everything’s going to be fine. You’ll see.”

  He hoped she was right. He prayed everything would be fine, and that he’d soon be back in Adriana’s arms.

  Leaning over, he placed a gentle kiss on Janet’s forehead. “I’ll see you soon.”

  She touched his cheek. “Of course you will.”

  Trevor shook Charlie’s hand. “You’ll take care of her?” he asked.

  “Always.”

  Knowing the truth of Charlie’s statement, Trevor crossed the room and opened the door, long past ready to attempt a journey back to Adriana.

  “It’s gone,” he heard, turning back at the sound of Janet’s faint, tear-filled whimper. “My necklace,” Janet cried, clutching her neck. “Oh, Charlie. I must have lost it in the pool. Please find it.”

  “I’ll go right now. You just stay here and relax.”

  Trevor shook his head at Charlie. “I’ll go. You take care of Janet.”