Rock Chick Renegade

by Ashley, Kristen

  Then we went back at it.

  Within minutes I was at Grade Nine.

  “I want you inside me,” I said breathlessly in his ear.

  He started to pul away.

  “Where are you going?” I was no longer breathless but sounding loud and a little bit shril .

  “Condom,” was al he said.

  Oh.

  That.

  I yanked him to me and rol ed on my back, opening my legs and his hips slid between them. “In a minute,” I said.

  “Jules –”

  “In a minute.”

  His head came up and he looked at me, hair around his shoulders just as beautiful as ever.

  Then I could swear I saw a hint of a grin before his face disappeared in my neck.

  Then he slid inside.

  * * * * *

  After we were done and once Vance had come back to me after going to the bathroom and dealing with the condom which he did final y use and showed me how to put it on (which gave a new dimension to birth control that I liked very much and I got the impression that he liked even better), I laid in his arms, we were side-by-side, my face tucked into his throat. I had no ridiculous thoughts about my wardrobe or summer camp because my Rottweiler had looked up from his bone and had begun to growl.

  Hush, I whispered.

  My Rottie cocked his head, whined a bit then went back to his bone.

  Through my mental turmoil Vance was silent.

  I was wondering about his mood. Okay, I was worried about his mood. Okay, I was scared to death about his mood.

  “I need to go to work,” I whispered against his throat, the fear and hope were back. The longer he stayed silent the more the fear was winning.

  Vance’s arms went loose and he moved a bit away.

  The fear took further hold. I couldn’t remember a time when Vance so easily let me go.

  I looked at him and couldn’t read his face.

  Damn it al to hel .

  “You going to work?” I asked in an effort to force him to speak.

  “Been up al night. I’l go to the down room and crash.” I kept watching him but my throat was beginning to feel funny, like it was going to close up on me.

  I knew how important what just happened was to me. I I knew how important what just happened was to me. I didn’t know what Vance was thinking and from the look of him it wasn’t good. Wasn’t good as in wasn’t anything, which was definitely not good.

  “Okay,” I said and it sounded kind of croaky.

  I sat up, taking the sheet with me and holding it to my chest. Vance moved, getting ready to exit the bed. I grabbed his hand. Do not ask me why but I did. He stil ed and looked at me.

  And before I could stop myself I whispered, “You can crash here.”

  Vance didn’t speak.

  “You can shower here too,” I went on quickly so as not to arouse my Rottie.

  He kept looking at me.

  My jaw started hurting with the effort to keep the fear and the tears at bay.

  “Whenever you want,” I said, “crash, I mean. And… um, shower.”

  I thought what I just said was huge.

  Vance gave me nothing.

  “I’l give you a key,” I told him, the last ditch effort to get my point across.

  That was super-huge.

  More nothing from Vance.

  Not… one… thing.

  That’s when I nodded.

  There you had it.

  The fear changed from being scared of not getting Vance back to what my life would mean knowing I couldn’t have him back.

  Time to move on.

  I’d deal with it later. A lot later. When I was making quesadil as like a pro while wearing a sweater I knitted for myself in Nicaragua.

  “Okay,” I said, my voice sounded higher and I let go of his hand, “I’m gonna get ready for work.”

  I moved toward the end of the bed but his arm came around my bel y and he threw me back against the pil ows and settled his body on top of mine. My breath went out of me at his movements and I stared at him with wide eyes.

  “Was it that hard?” he asked, looking down at me, face stil showing me nothing.

  I could no longer speak so I shook my head, nonverbal y lying. It had been harder than hel .

  “I don’t need a key,” he said.

  I blinked, not sure how to take that. “You don’t?” I asked, finding my voice.

  He shook his head. “Though it’d be easier than breakin’

  in al the time,” he told me.

  I felt relief start invading, washing away the fear.

  “Probably,” I whispered, stil a little scared because he was stil being blank not intense or a different kind of intense but not giving me anything to go on.

  “Do you understand about Luke?” he asked.

  I nodded.

  He got closer, his face got closer, his body pressing me deeper into the bed. “Then we’l make sure you understand it al .”

  Uh-oh.

  I didn’t like the sound of that. I didn’t share this and just watched him and waited.

  “You’re mine, Jules. That means no one puts their hands on you and no one puts their mouth on you. I almost came out of my skin watchin’ that last night. You’re with me and that means we’re exclusive. I do not share. Which means no one touches you. Not again. You got me?” I nodded. I couldn’t imagine what I’d do if I saw him that way with another woman but I was a head crackin’ mamma jamma, I probably would have lost my mind. A macho man, badass was even worse.

  I decided not to say anything. It was bad enough and saying something would likely just dig my hole deeper. I knew I was already skating on thin ice; I sure as hel wasn’t going to go under, not again.

  It was cold down there, freezing.

  “You got your head straight?” he asked, breaking into my icy reverie.

  I nodded again though I was a little confused at his question.

  He kept talking. “We’re not playin’ this fuckin’ game. You try and push me away, I’m takin’ you to the cabin and chainin’ you to the bed until you got your head sorted once and for al . What we have genuinely doesn’t seem like it’s gonna work, we’l talk it through and come to an understanding. But when it’s good and you get freaked, you aren’t makin’ the decision for both of us because you’re scared out of your mind and don’t have the guts to talk about it.”

  Wow.

  I knew Vance was a straight-talker but, um… yikes.

  I thought it was time to cut in. “Vance –”

  “I’m talkin’ now.”

  At his tone I shut up. Definitely not the time to cut in.

  “You lie in bed in the moonlight when you think it doesn’t count and you let me in. I’m tel in’ you now, it counts, Jules.” I kept silent.

  Vance kept talking. “I don’t want you sweet after I’ve made you come and you don’t have your guard up. I want you sweet al the time. You don’t start trusting me in the daylight this isn’t gonna work.”

  I stayed silent.

  “You go out into the night makin’ trouble, fearless. With everything else that means something in your life, you’re shit scared. You’re gonna have to find a way to get the fuck over it.”

  I pul ed my lips in and bit them to stay quiet. He was right and that was so annoying.

  “You’re mine,” he repeated like I didn’t get it the first time.

  I let my lips go and said, “Okay.”

  He stared at me.

  “Can I say something now?” I asked when he seemed to be finished.

  “Just don’t piss me off,” he warned.

  Like I’d do that especial y at this juncture.

  I waited a beat then took in a breath and then did something that made my Rottweiler go berserk. I ignored my Rottie, it took al I had but I did it.

  “I know it counts,” I whispered.

  Vance didn’t move, didn’t speak, didn’t do anything.

  Then drool flying everywhere
in white globs, jumping up and down, tearing free from his chains, my Rottweiler came at me and I ran like a mad woman, taking my life in my hands. I passed him, threw open the door to the chain-link-fenced box and ran inside. I slammed the door closed behind me and locked it, keeping my Rottweiler at bay.

  Then I ran my hands up Vance’s back, stopping when I felt his scar and to make my point, I left my fingers there.

  “You’re right, you scare the hel out of me,” I said it so low I wasn’t sure if he heard it.

  I didn’t have to wonder long. He heard it and he understood it.

  He rol ed to his side and took me with him, arms going around me tight. He didn’t need to say anything because that was enough.

  I put my face in his throat again. “I need a boyfriend with a safe job. Like checkout guy at King Sooper’s,” I told Vance’s throat.

  He stayed silent.

  “The worst thing that could happen is he’d fal off his rol ing stool behind the cash register. Maybe hit his head or something. Sprain a wrist.”

  Vance stil didn’t speak.

  “They have good benefits there, I heard. Great insurance.”

  More silence.

  “That could be a rumor though,” I muttered to myself since Vance was obviously not listening.

  “Jules.”

  “What?”

  He pul ed my hair with a gentle tug and I looked up at him. His eyes were soft and sexy when I looked into them and when he spoke his deep voice was silk. “Shut up.” Looking at him, the fear moved out of me and I melted into him because, one look at him, I just knew and the clouds over my life parted and I felt the warmth of sunshine.

  “Don’t tel me to shut up,” I whispered.

  That’s when he gave me one of his grins and I knew I was right. Everything was going to be fine. Then he kissed me, slow, sweet, long, like we had al day and I knew everything was really fine.

  When he was done, there were no clouds in the sky.

  None at al . Just sunshine.

  “I’m sorry about last night,” I said quietly, because I had to.

  “You need to talk to Luke,” he told me.

  I nodded. He was right, I needed to talk to Luke. I didn’t want to but I sure as hel needed to.

  “Are you two gonna be okay?” I asked.

  “He keeps his distance, yeah. He keeps at this game, no.”

  Hmm.

  That didn’t sound good. That sounded like I was Yoko Ono to the Nightingale Investigation Team’s Beatles. I didn’t want to be the woman who fucked up the band.

  “I’l talk to him,” I said then went for another, much safer topic (at least I thought it was safer, but I was very, very wrong). “How long have you been here?”

  “About an hour. The minute Bobby walked in, I took off.”

  “Why didn’t you wake me when you got here?” I asked.

  “I was pissed. I needed to calm down before I talked to you.”

  “You could calm down lying naked in bed with me?” I queried in disbelief.

  “Lots of ways to work through anger, Jules, and I’m learnin’ that I like the way you work through it a lot.” I blinked at him. Then I remembered the grin I thought I saw before he slid inside me.

  “You knew we were going to have sex,” I breathed as the realization hit me

  I caught the grin this time, ful -on.

  My body tensed and my blood started pumping through my veins. “How could you know we were going to have sex? We were broken up!” I shouted, trying to pul away but his arms got tight and his brows drew together.

  “We weren’t broken up. I was givin’ you time to get your head sorted,” he said.

  Um.

  What?

  “We were broken up,” I repeated.

  “We weren’t,” he repeated right back at me.

  “We most certainly were,” I snapped.

  “Jules, for fuck’s sake, you don’t kiss a woman that you’ve broken up with good-bye.”

  This gave me pause for reflection because it made sense.

  Stil .

  Before I could say anything, he went on. “At the cabin, we made up.”

  “At the cabin, we were saying good-bye.”

  He stared at me for a beat then his brows unknitted and he started laughing.

  Laughing!

  I yanked back and gained some space. He yanked me forward and took it away.

  “This isn’t funny, Crowe,” I snapped.

  “You think you fuck four times to say good-bye?” he asked through laughter.

  This gave me pause for reflection too because I had to admit, it sounded pretty ridiculous.

  I didn’t tel him that.

  I tried a different tactic. “Why didn’t you cal me if we were stil together?”

  “Hard to give you space and cal you.”

  Then something else hit me and my eyes narrowed. “You thought I’d let Luke kiss me when you and I were together?”

  “You let Luke kiss you and put his hands up your shirt,” Vance corrected me.

  “Whatever,” I said.

  His eyes flashed. “Not whatever.”

  “I thought we were broken up.” Now my voice was louder.

  “I know that now. I thought you were workin’ through shit, experimenting.”

  Oh my God.

  He did not just say that.

  “Experimenting?” My voice was no longer loud, it was quiet, soft and seriously pissed off.

  I’d just gone through al sorts of hel , nearly got emotional y chewed to shit by my Rottweiler and through al that, he thought we were stil together and he was just giving me space. Not only that, he thought I was the kind of woman who’d “experiment” with another guy.

  I took a deep breath to calm myself.

  Then…

  I lost my mind.

  I pul ed out of his arms and sat up, wrapping the sheet around me and twisting toward him. “I’m not fifteen years old, Vance, experimenting with every hot guy who comes along! Why didn’t you tel me you were giving me space?” He came up after me and twisted to face me. “Calm down, Jules,” he said.

  “Fuck calm and answer me.”

  “Jules –”

  I forgot I demanded an answer and kept ranting, so in a snit that I forgot to think about what I said. “I’ve been freaking out for three days. I thought I’d broken up with you and you’d let me. I thought we were over and you weren’t going to try and get me back. Everyone thinks it!” I yel ed.

  His arms came around me, pul ed me to him and I pul ed back. We tussled. This of course ended with me flat on my back, head on the pil ows and Vance’s body pinning mine to the bed.

  “Get off me,” I shouted in his face.

  “Quiet, Jules, and listen to me.”

  “I don’t want to listen to you,” I snapped.

  His eyes flashed, his face changed and his hands went to either side of my head and he held my face to look at him.

  “Quiet,” he ordered low and my whole body stil ed at his tone and the look on his face.

  When he had my attention, he started talking. “You freaked when you got the flowers and the way you told me it was over, I knew you needed that and was wil in’ to give it to you but I was takin’ one last night. You agreed. I used that night to get you to stop thinkin’ crazy and pushin’ me away and it worked.”

  “It didn’t.”

  “You started redecorating my cabin, you thanked me for the flowers, you let me make love to you in the moonlight and again in the morning. You showered with me, you held on tight on the bike when I brought you home. Is that the behavior of a woman who’s just broken up with you?” Hmm.

  He had a point.

  “You didn’t cal me for three days,” I kept at it.

  “I was workin’ and it’s been intense between us. You freak out any time I get close. You needed space to get your head together. I backed off for a few days and gave it to you.”

  Okay, that made sense. It was even nice.
r />   Stil .

  “I do not freak out,” I snapped.

  He raised his brows.

  Fuck!

  I was freaking out as we talked.

  I glared at him because I didn’t have a leg to stand on and I knew it but my pride wouldn’t let me admit it out loud.

  He watched me then his face started to go soft and sexy and I knew that he knew my thoughts.

  Vance Crowe totally had my number.

  Damn.

  Time to move on.

  “Al right, wel … whatever.” It was weak but I didn’t know what else to say.

  I caught his grin definitely this time before his face disappeared into my neck. He knew he’d won in more ways than one.

  “Next time I give you space, I’l tel you,” he said into my neck.

  I didn’t want there to be a next time. This last time was bad enough. I didn’t share that with him however.

  His mouth moved on my neck and then came to mine and he kissed me, soft and quick and my freak out started to melt away. Then he lifted his head.

  “Go to work. I’m tired and need sleep,” he said softly, his face an inch from mine.

  “That didn’t take long,” I said, kind of snotty but not real y meaning it, “we’re back to macho-speak.”

  “Go to work,” he replied, knowing I didn’t mean it.

  I stared at him.

  I started to move away but his arms got tight. I looked at him and he kissed me again, this time slow and sweet but with lots of tongue.

  That was more like it.

  When he was done, my freak out had disintegrated.

  Gone.

  I looked him in the eyes for a beat then said against his mouth, “Sleep wel .”

  He kissed my forehead and I grabbed my nightie, pul ed it over my head, turned off the alarm so it wouldn’t wake Vance, swung off the bed and went to feed Boo.

  I showered, got ready as quietly as I could and chanced a glance up at the bed before I left.

  Vance was lying on his stomach, sheet down to his waist and I could see his brown-skinned, muscled back which looked even browner against my cream sheets. Boo was curled into the side of his waist and didn’t even look at me when I peeked.