by Неизвестный
My breath stutters when he starts his gun again, my eyes going to Matty above me.
‘You’ll be fine,’ Matty says, nodding.
‘I think– Holymotherfuck!’ I yell when the needle finally hits my skin.
Matty and the guy both laugh.
Tired Eyes
Anya Ngawhare
Screaming. Morning, noon and night. It’s just a constant stream of screams and cries and vomit-inducing smells that shouldn’t exist. And I hate it because I never wanted this life. I never chose it. But this is the card I’ve been dealt, so now I have to suck it up and carry on. I have to smile even though I feel like I’m dying inside.
Noisy kids are everywhere, but there seems to be just as many parents lingering like they’ve got nothing better to do with their time. Stuck-up bitches who eyeball me every time I walk through the glass door. Their voices drop to a whisper when I approach the logbook, but I can still hear them. I always hear them.
‘This is the best day care around, how can she afford the fees?’
‘WINZ pay for it, of course. I bet they pay for her house, too.’
‘God, I wish my life was that easy.’
‘If you ask me they should stop throwing money at them. These kids spread their legs and we’re left to foot the bill. It’s basically a career choice now. Make a baby and the government will support you for eighteen years.’
‘Her parents are probably on the dole as well.’
‘Well, they have to learn it somewhere.’
I grit my teeth, left hand curling into a loose fist. Those dumb cunts don’t know anything about me or my life, so who are they to judge? They can rant and rave all they like, but they’re no different to the girls they’re looking down on. So maybe they’re not getting money from the government, whatever. In my opinion, shagging some ugly old dude for money doesn’t make them any better.
I turn on the spot, looking in their direction.
They all look away, lips pressed tight.
I hear the familiar babble before I see her. Bright blue eyes and messy brunette hair, chubby pale cheeks and a warm smile I can’t help but compare to the sun. And I know she’s seen me when she throws her skinny arms up, opening and shutting her hands slowly.
I grin, stepping in her direction as she’s carried in mine.
‘She’s happy to see you,’ the woman holding her says, smiling.
‘I’m happy to see her,’ I reply honestly. I take the skinny monster from the round woman, holding her little body in front of mine. ‘Hey, little Monkey,’ I whisper, nose touching hers. She giggles, tiny hands going to my face. ‘Let’s get outta here.’
I notice the gossipy bitch mothers giving me the once over as I make my way towards the door, but I brush them off. I straighten my shoulders and march out of there like I’m God’s gift to the world.
Not that I believe in any of that horseshit or anything. I mean honestly, if God really is floating around up there, he certainly isn’t some invisible superstar saving the world. He’s a bored sadist. He punishes good people because it turns him on. He’s essentially one of the perverts we throw in prison, and yet, half the world falls to their knees for him.
Fucking idiots.
My evenings are always the same: home from kindy, snack, playtime, nap, dinner, bath, bottle, bedtime story, sleep. Mum claimed things would be different once teething started, but I’ve barely noticed. She screams just as loudly as she did before her little fangs cut through.
I stand in the middle of my small lounge when she’s finally asleep, eyes taking in the destruction. Toys are scattered all over the floor, the baskets they belong in overturned and resting on the second-hand couch near the centre of the room. A dirty nappy is sitting on the coffee table beside a tattered travel magazine and a near-empty baby bottle. The milk in it is probably cold now. Cold and dripping all over the surface it’s on. My eyes flicker to the desk resting beneath the room’s only window, spotting the dusty textbooks and crumpled papers scattered across it.
I suck in a breath, eyes stinging in the corners.
I move for the tiny kitchen just a few metres away, trying not to think about the washing that’s piled up in the bathroom, but when I see the sink full of dishes and the overflowing rubbish bag, I can’t hold back any more. I press a hand to my tight chest, bottom lip trembling as tears finally fall. I sink to my knees and cry like I did the day I was presented with a stern-faced baby.
I never wanted this. I never ever wanted this.
I dig the heels of my hands into my eyes, trying to stop the tears falling. I breathe in deeply, let it back out again. I do it over and over.
‘I promise,’ I mumble to myself.
I lift my head with another deep breath, exhaling sharply.
I get to my feet.
I twirl my long hair into a bun on the top of my head and get cracking. I wash the dishes and leave them to drip dry. I gather all the toys and clean the messy coffee table, disinfecting it when it’s clear. I sort the dirty washing into two loads, putting the one with my hideous work clothes into the machine first.
It’s after midnight when I finally go to my room, tired from cleaning and stinking of lavender-scented disinfectant and stale sweat. I don’t bother changing into pyjamas or making my messy bed; I just kick my jeans off and fall onto my rumpled bedding. I sling an arm over my eyes and fall asleep with my left leg hanging over the edge of my mattress.
The sun wakes me. It shines through my open window, bright and demanding. I roll over to hide my face in a pillow, willing myself back to–
Fuck!
I scramble to my feet and throw my bedroom door open, heart pounding in my chest. I can’t fucking believe I slept in. I never sleep in. Monkey is up by seven every single morning. She’s always up before the sun is.
I freeze when I hear my name, hand on her doorknob, and I snap my head round to see a familiar face stood on the other side of the couch. Black hair and hazel eyes; skin half a shade darker than mine.
‘How did you get in?’ I ask, eyes darting around the room quickly like I’ll suddenly see the answer. I tug at the hem of my shirt, trying to cover myself a little more. ‘And where–’
‘I just put her down for a nap,’ he says quickly, voice deep and scratchy from nicotine binges. ‘And I got the key from Mum. I thought–’ He sighs. ‘Well, I just thought you’d like a sleep-in today. You know, because …’ He looks away from me, eyes going to his feet, his odd socks.
Yeah, I know why.
Like I could possibly forget.
He clears his throat. ‘I thought that, like, I could watch little Aroha if you wanted some time to yourself.’
I look away from my brother swiftly, a lump in my throat. ‘I might have a shower,’ I say, voice low. ‘Can you keep an ear out for Monkey.’
It’s not a question, but he still says, ‘Okay.’
I turn the shower up as hot as I can stand, letting the scalding water melt the tension in my muscles. Or try to, anyway. I don’t bother scrubbing my skin, just turn slowly.
A little bit of me wishes I could sleep today away.
Actually, most of me does. If things were different I’d close my bedroom curtains, crawl back into bed and… Well, I doubt I’d actually be able to sleep at all. In fact, if things were different I’d be rushing around with a grin on my face. I’d probably be drunk and wreaking havoc.
Not any more.
The small mirror above the bathroom sink is steam fogged. I wipe it clean, inspecting my reflection in the silvery glass. I take in my brown eyes and the heavy bags beneath them, my straight mouth and equally straight nose. My messy, shapeless eyebrows.
I look like shit. Complete fucking shit.
There’s not really a nicer way to put it.
When I return to the lounge my little Monkey’s awake, eyes wide and bright as she giggles at a face Eric’s pulling. She’s dressed, too. She’s wearing a polka dot dress that’s been puffed up with tulle, and the cutest headba
nd I’ve ever seen.
‘Did you buy her that?’ I ask, falling onto the couch beside my little brother.
‘Yep. Cost a shitload, too,’ he says, passing the baby to me. ‘It was too cute to leave, though.’
I kiss Monkey’s right cheek, making her giggle. ‘Good morning, sweetheart.’
She touches my face with a smile, blue eyes sparkling as always.
I take a deep breath.
‘She’s so happy, sis,’ Eric says, wiping a thin trail of drool from Monkey’s chin. ‘You’re doing such a great job. Raising her right.’
‘Am I?’ I ask, passing her back to him. I tilt my head back, letting it rest against the top of the couch. There’s a small mould patch on the ceiling above me. ‘Sometimes I think that …’
‘Think what?’
I shake my head. ‘Today’s not the day,’ I say. ‘Actually, no day’s the day.’
Eric puts the baby on the floor in front of her toys, attention returning to me just after. ‘Come on, A. Tell me.’ He raises the pitch of his voice, says, ‘Pretend I’m one of the girls.’
I snort, elbowing him in the ribs. ‘You’re such a knob.’
He nudges me back. ‘Come on. You can tell me anything.’
My eyes go to the little girl stretched out on the floor, happily chewing on a stuffed dog. ‘It’s just, it all gets too much sometimes, you know? Just with work and Monkey and … and those bitches at the day care. And it’s like, sometimes I just think that life would be so much easier if I didn’t have to–’
‘Take care of a baby.’
He says the words so I don’t have to, but it doesn’t make me feel any better for thinking them.
I shift on the spot, palms running over my knees. ‘I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help thinking it,’ I say, voice lower than it was. ‘I had to quit Uni, and I never get to socialise or anything like that. And people are always looking down on me. They talk about me like I’m some dumb money-hungry skank.’ I shake my head slowly. ‘I know I shouldn’t care, but. Sometimes it just really hurts.’
He’s quiet for a moment, nothing but Monkey’s gibberish reaching my ears.
Eventually he says, ‘Have you ever thought to just tell people the truth? To tell them–’
‘No,’ I say firmly, silencing him. I look at his tanned face. ‘It’s none of their fucking business. No, definitely not.’
‘She’d want you to tell people, Aroha,’ he says. ‘She wouldn’t want you to feel like this. She’d want–’ He pauses again. ‘Well, I know she’d want you to stick it to those arseholes. Give them the middle finger and all that. What you’re doing is honourable. It really is, sis. It takes a strong person to put their dreams on hold and raise someone else’s kid.’
I look away from my brother again, chest expanding at his praise. Familiar words that never meant all that much before.
‘You’re a strong bitch, A. Only a dumbass would fuck with you.’
I reach down for Monkey when she grabs at my shins, trying to pull herself up. I stand her in my lap, hands resting on her little hips. She throws her arms up with a shrill squeal.
Maybe Eric’s right. Maybe I should tell people the truth. I wonder what those stuck-up bitch mothers would say if I turned around and told them that Aroha isn’t my baby, that she’s not even related to me by blood. I wonder if their make-up caked faces would fall if I told them that my best friend haemorrhaged and bled out three days after giving birth to the most perfect little girl on planet Earth. In the universe, even. And I’d just love to see their horrified expressions when I told them to go fuck themselves and their elitist opinions.
I smile to myself, because Nina would destroy those women if she were here, blue eyes bulging out of her head. She’d be celebrating her twenty-first birthday by getting drunk and sexually harassing innocent guys who, truthfully, probably wouldn’t object.
If Nina were here, Aroha would never have to wonder whether or not she’s loved. She would push her daughter to be the very best she can be, regardless of what that is.
‘Promise me, A. If anything ever happens to me, you have to take care of mini you. You just have to. Don’t let her go to strangers. Promise me.’
I nuzzle Monkey’s neck, making her giggle hysterically.
I never break a promise.
Taku Koha ki a Tangaroa
Zeb Tamihana Nicklin
Hei ngā hararei kura te haere mai nei, ka hoki māua ko taku tuakana ki te kāinga, ki Raupunga, mā runga tereina. He kore hiahia nō māua ki te hoki i te korenga o ngā mahi tere pēnei i te tāone nui e taea ai e te rangatahi. He wāhi pakupaku noa iho nei tō mātau kāinga; he awa, he ngāhere, he moana ngā papa tākaro o te rangatahi o reira. Otirā, waia ana katoa māua ki ngā painga o te tāone e korekore rawa atu e kite i te tuawhenua nei. Nō māua tonu e kōhungahunga ana, ka noho mātau te whānau ki Te Pūtere. Engari kua tō kē aua rangi, he tamariki tāone kē māua īnaianei.
He toa i ōna rā i Raupunga heoi anō kua kati ōna kuaha i inamata nei, e kore rawa e huaki mai anō. Ko te whakatoi mai a taku kaiako i te kura waenga, a Whaea Materoa nō Tūranga ia, ina hoki ai ia ki Tūranga he kemo noa tāna kua hipa kē atu i Raupunga, te pono hoki!
Ka tae mai ki te rā wehe ka haere atu mātau ki te teihana tereina, ka mutu, koia pea te tino wheako o taku hararei ko te haerenga atu mā runga tereina. I te tangi mai o te pere kia eke ki te tereina kātahi ka meatia mai ai e taku pāpā ki a māua, e ao kē ana mā kōrua e hokihoki ki te kāinga ka toutou tonu ai i ō kōrua ahi kia kore e mātao. I konā tonu ka rakurakuhia taku mahunga me te hanepī o te hirikapo. Ka eke ake ai māua ki te tereina ka haere, nō māua e noho ana ka āta whakaarohia he aha kē te tikanga o ana kupu kōrero ki a māua engari auare ake he māramatanga ka puta.
Tae atu ana te tereina ki Nēpia ka puta te hunga haere nei ki te kapu tī, ki te whātorotoro anō hoki i te tinana. Ka pau tētahi wā ka karangahia e te kaikite tīkiti kia eke anō te hunga nei ki te tereina ka haere ai. Ka haere te tereina, ka puta te reo o te kaihautū, ‘Ko tōna kotahi hāora neke atu kua tae atu ai mātau ki Raupunga’.
Ahakoa e hia mai nei ngā hokinga ki te kāinga mā runga waka ka mate tonu taku tia i ngā huarahi hurihuri mai i Ahuriri tae rawa atu ai ki Raupunga. He piko he ruaki, he piko he ruaki, he nui tonu nō ngā hurihuri o te ara nei, ngā piki me ngā heke. Nōku e pēpē ana taku pērā te kī mai a taku kōkā ki a au, ā, ahakoa kua rangatahi au inaiānei, ko taua āhua tonu e ngaua ana ahau.
Ka puta anō te reo o te kaihautū ka mea, ‘Ngā tama e puta ana i Raupunga me whakarite i ā kōrua pēke.’ I a ia e kōrero pērā ana ka whakawhiti tonu ai mātau i te piriti tereina, ā, ko tōku awa o Mohaka kei raro iho nei i a mātau e whakawhiti ana. E ai ki ngā kōrero, kārekau he piriti i teitei mai, i teitei atu i tēnei i te ao ki te tonga, ka mutu, te kōrero mai a taku pāpā nā tōna taina a Clifford te piriti nei i kake, ānō nei ko Tāwhaki ia i te wā e rangatahi tonu ana. Koira anake ngā mahi o te kāinga nei: he kake piriti, he eke hoiho, he rama tuna, he hī ika, hui katoa ēnei mahi kāore e rata ana ki a au.
Ka whakapōturihia te tereina kia tū, ka kite atu au i taku kōkā a Rose e whanga mai ana ki a māua i waho me tana hoiho, ka puta māua kārekau he raima, he pātītī kē te papa. Ka tau tonu atu taku waewae ki te tiko hoiho i taku heketanga ki te papa i te tereina, ka rere mai ai taku kōkā ki a māua ka mihimihi, ka awhiawhi. Nā te tata mai o te whare ka hīkoi noa ki te kāinga. Ka pā ki taku ihu te rongo o te ika e rere ana, ā, kua mōhio tonu kua eke rā mātau ki te kāinga.
Ko te Whiringa-ā-rangi te marama nei, ā, he wā motuhake tonu ki te iwi o Mohaka o Raupunga otirā tō mātau iwi o Pāhauwera, he rērere nō ngā Kahawai ki te ngutu awa. Ngā mea noho tāone atu ki Ahuriri, ki Heretaunga, ki Te Papaiōea, waihoki ki tawhiti noa atu ki Te Waipounamu, ka hokihoki mai ki te rērere haere o ngā Kahawai. Ko te aru a te Kahawai ko āna anō kai ko ngā īnanga e rere haere ana i te awa.
Ka kuhuna mātau ki te whare ka mihi mai ai taku matua kēkē ki a māua. E whakarite ana ia i tana pap
areti ka mea mai, ‘Waiho atu ā kōrua pēke ki te rūma – kua haere tātau ki tātahi ki te mau Kahawai.’
Ahakoa i te takiwā o te waru karaka i te pō tae atu ana mātau ki tātahi, kāore e ārikarika ana ngā tāngata me ā rātau papareti e hī ika ana. He pāraharaha motuhake ki tō mātau iwi o Pāhauwera te papareti nō whakapata rā anō i mahi ai ōku tīpuna ki te mau Kahawai, te tino kai ki tō mātau iwi. Ka kore e kitea tēnei tāonga te papareti ki whaitua atu anō.
Kāore i mau i a māua ko taku tuakana te Kahawai i tēnei pō. Heoi anō, te kī mai a taku matua, ‘ākene āpōpō kōrua ka mau.’
Oho ake ana mātau i te atapō tonu kia anga te haere ki tātahi. Tō mātau taenga atu ki tātahi ko tētahi taha o te awa kikī ana i te Māori, ko tētahi he angiangi ngā Māori. Ka mea mai taku matua ki a māua ko Michael, ‘Ko te taha Māori tēnei, ko te taha Pākehā tērā.’
Ka rere taku ui ki a ia, ‘He aha hoki e pērā ana?’
Ko tana whakautu ka mea mai, ‘Ko ngā whenua e tū nei tātau kai ō mātau ringaringa tonu otirā, tērā taha nō mātau tonu engari kua mūreingia i raro i ngā niho o te ture nō tērā rautau. Ka mutu, ko te tangata nāna nei i mūrei ko Donald McLean. Kei Ahuriri te whīra whutupōro rongonui e kīia nei ko McLean Park, kua tapa ki tana ingoa ahakoa kaitāhae tērā.’
Ka tino riri te reo o taku matua nei. Heoi anō ka whakariterite ia i ā māua matira ki te mounu. Ka mea mai ia, ‘Waiho ake ngā papareti mō nāianei; hei te tūhoetanga o te rā pea ka mahi.’
Kāore i roa mātau e hī ana ka tere huri ngā tohu a Tāwhirimātea. Ka mea ake tō māua matua me huri te ihu o tō tātau waka ki te kāinga, he pukepuke nō moana nō hea rawa tātau e mau i tēnei rā. Ka mutu, ka taki hoki atu te iwi e hī ana ki te ngutu awa ki ō rātau kāinga. Heoi anō ngā mea noho puni ka waiho noa ake ā rātau rākau hī e tū ana ki te oneone e hī tonu ana ka hoki ai ki ō rātau wharau, ki ō rātau tēneti kei te taha tai.
I tō mātau hokinga atu ka tū mātau ki te taha o te awa ka whākī mai ai a Matua Willy ki a māua ki te kimi toka hāngī. ‘E whā ngā tūmomo toka hāngī nei’, tāna kī mai ki a māua, ‘otirā me kanohi hōmiromiro te kimi iho.’ Nāwai nāwai, ka waea haere koe ki te kimi toka hāngi nei, ā, me te marama e rākau nui ana i te rangi ka kite koe. Ka mutu, koia hoki te wā e tika ana ki te kimi toka hāngī – ka pīataata noa mai ngā toka hāngī nei i te āwhina a Rona.