by Steve Moore
“None of the players saw anything? OK, go nose around up in the stands. Maybe one of the 50,137 spectators saw something.”
“It’s Coach. Are you here?”
“My husband was a quarterback, but he retired because he kept getting concussions. Now he paints. This one’s called ‘Memories’ …”
“This is not fair! How can they expect us to compete if we’re not on a level playing field?”
“There’s your mistake. The number ‘5’ is the legal limit. The number you were going by is the calendar year when these regulations went into effect.”
“How could you not see that? It was pass interference! He grabbed my jersey and … Hey, I’m over here.”
“There it is again. Hear it? Sounds like someone moaning.”
“Upon further review, the tape replay was inconclusive. However, DNA tests clearly indicate that the receiver’s foot came down out of bounds.”
“If it weren’t for bad golfers, we’d starve.”
“Chin up, son. When you lose, you’ve just got to wipe away the tears, stand tall, and blame everything on your teammates.”
The Tooth Fairy right after hockey season.
“The knee is fine, but his brain is twisted.”
Timmy’s dream comes true when he’s selected as scooper boy for a professional basketball team.
“It’s a tragedy. They show up every year at the end of football season. Recently fired head coaches, with nowhere to go.”
When skateboarders rule the world.
“Here we go again, Henry. We buy a boat, they buy a boat. We put in a pool, they put in a pool. We blow a wad on a free agent, they blow a wad on a free agent.”
“This isn’t working. Let’s try putting our pants on one leg at a time just like the other team.”
“Can you tape me up?”
Perilous moments in pitcher-catcher relationships. Major League mom.
Major League mom.
Sportswriters in Hell.
The six-day cruise later became known in convention coordinators’ folklore as the greatest booking fiasco of all time.
Left to right: first-, second-, third-, and fourth-string quarterbacks.
The Corporal Punishment Golf and Country Club.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa! This is a Major League ballclub! You two can’t just waltz out there and expect to make the roster!”
“Dewey! Shift over to your right! … Farther! … Farther! … Go out that gate! … That’s it! Now keep going and don’t come back!”
Rookie athletic trainers.
The TV sports color commentator.
The dangerous and grueling Olympic uphill slalom race.
“It ain’t just in rodeo, Vince. Seems like in every sport kids are turnin’ pro at a younger age.”
Stephanie saves her kick for the final stretch.
“Oh, so you think those are real? One word, my friend—implants.”
“Send it back to the chef, Phil. It just doesn’t smell right.”
“It still won’t explode? Check for a loose wire.”
Ernie forgets to stretch out properly and simultaneously blows out his knees, ankles, shoulders, elbows, wrists, hips, and the joints on all 10 fingers.
“Uh-oh. Things are gonna get rough.”
“Hey! I thought they told us you can’t take it with you!”
“Stop! Stop! Everyone hold still … Feel that? The momentum in the game just shifted.”
Huddle collie.
The first folding stadium seat is tested.
“We’re doomed, sire! The barbarians have installed a West Coast offense!”
Leonard moved in. She was every salesman’s dream: an impulse buyer with decent credit and few or no bargaining skills.
Later, Amy is disqualified after testing positive for helium.
Quarterback Post-it notes.
“Hey, I ain’t no doctor, Dewey. I mean, OK, it’s painful and it’s on your hip, but I’m only guessing when I say it’s a hip pointer.”
No time to go hunting? Housebound? Just plain lazy? Introducing the speedy, dependable Labrador Deliverer!
Every year, hundreds of hockey players are injured by banana peels carelessly tossed onto the ice.
Fun at home with an NFL long-snapper.
“He’s a power forward, Mom, left unclaimed after being released by his team. Can I keep him, Mom? Can I? Can I?”
“So it’s finally happened, Roger. You sat watching games for so long, you’ve become one with the couch.”
“The Franchise will see you now, Coach.”
Parental rage, the early stages.
“Now another swimmer’s been dragged under, screaming, right in the middle of a race. I’m telling you, Floyd, something’s down there.”
“He’s an excellent guide and I pay him well, but sometimes I wonder how he’s able to sleep at night.”
“That’s it! I did it! I finally figured out how to hit the perfect golf shot every single time!”
“Whoa. Westside Neanderthals got creamed … Lost last night 14 concussions to zip.”
Racing facts: Until their skills are honed, most NASCAR drivers pay their dues on the Zamboni circuit.
An ill-timed moment of clarity in the Major Leagues.
“Listen up! I want you to pass the ball, set screens, look for the open shot. Don’t be selfish. Remember, there is no ‘I’ in herd.”
“It’s the new motion offense that you installed, Coach. Leonard’s gonna need some Dramamine!”
“What, hey, whatta ya doin’? We can’t just let him go. He knows too much.”
Intestinal Parasite Olympics.
His self-esteem in tatters, Douglas quits the singles basketball league after being constantly rejected by women.
“Remember the old days, Frank, when a player would screw up and we’d say, ‘Drop down and give me 20 push-ups’? … This is more fun.”
“I know it’s hard, ma’am, but the worst is over. The vomiting and severe shakes are nearly gone, and soon your husband’s body will no longer crave golf.”
“You know what? We need a mascot—maybe some wacky guy dressed in a chicken outfit.”
One-on-one clone tournament.
Ultimate bleacher bum.
The old “good ref, bad ref” routine.
“Lungs, normal. Heart, normal. Kidneys, normal. For the life of me, I can’t figure out where your pain is coming … Wait. Do you play hockey?”
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
STEVE MOORE was born in Colorado and grew up in southern California. He graduated from Oregon State University and completed his master’s degree in journalism at the University of Oregon.
While working as a sports editor at the Maui News in Hawaii, he got the idea to create the cartoon In the Bleachers. Soon after, Moore moved to the Los Angeles Times. He resigned as a Times executive news editor in 1996 to concentrate on the cartoon and to work in TV and feature animation.
In the Bleachers is distributed by Universal Press Syndicate.
Moore’s humor was inspired by his father, Bob, and cartoonists B. Kliban, Gary Larson, Charles Addams, and Gahan Wilson.
He lives in Idaho with his wife and three children.